Oh McCarten, you were doomed from the start. And saying things like
that don't help your case. I mean really, boys can be the father of
your children AND your husband. I'm just saying.
So a bit of a sidebar: a couple weeks back I was slacking on Facebook,
you know, searching randomly for old coworkers and kindergarten
teachers and the like and I decided to type in Brad Womack. Or, as my
mom would say (and I know you're reading this, mom, so I'm saying it
with love), punch in Brad Womack's name. And he's on Facebook. Whoa,
whoa, whoa. Whoa. A dilemma presents itself: was this the real Brad or
some dude trying to cash in on who know's what kind of fame?
I spent some time trying to figure out some sly message to write to
this 'Brad Womack'. You know, something that only I and the real Bach
would know, and I came up at a loss. And now, I searched again tonight
for him, and he's not on Facebook anymore. I'm sure there's a lesson in
there somewhere, but I'm too tired from all the catfighting and
intensity from the Bach tonight, I just can't be bothered to learn it.
But I digress: the show starts with a flash of the Bach shirtless and
the girls sitting around in their Team Pink sweatshirts and strapless
velour one-pieces and wedge sandals and I start to wonder if this is
what sorority life is like? I'm not really sure, since I spent most of
my university days being too shy to do anything but memorize the
Periodic Table like some kind of science fool.
First Date Box shows up and Jenni gets to go on a helicopter ride with
the Bach. This is seriously a hot date - I would love to do a
helicopter ride around the city with JCW and then land somewhere cool
for dinner and drinks. Not perched on a teeny bar stool in 3-inch heels
by the ledge of a skyscraper like Jenni and Brad. I do have that whole
scared of heights thing going on. But still...a hot date. Bottle of
wine...snuggling under a blanket...obviously she gets a rose. No
surprise there. Obviously she's saved every rose Brad's given her. Not
so obvious is that she hangs them upside down from a chandelier with a
hair clip? Plus she forgot to mention her collage of Brad pics cut out
from Teen Beat that's framed beside her bed. But I like Jenni, so I
should stop being so obnoxious.
Back at the ranch or villa or whatever: a cat fight ensues. A lot of
head bobbing, finger waving, eye rolling, and "no you di'int, y'all". I
wonder if these babes do anything but sit around on couches, and dish
about their dates and how slutty and sexual everyone is? Get a damn
hobby, y'all, like, maybe a blog or something?
Up next...Group Date. I think Brad blew the budget on the first date so
the girls get to an Improv theatre and do tricks so they can hear Brad
ring a cowbell for them. Yeah...hot. Poor Kristy - she's struggling -
but I admit, so would I - what would you do with a tambourine that's
funny and flirty and confident and original? But the better question
is, how would you beg for a rose if you were a dog? I'm pretty sure I
would just exit stage left. Hillary continues to be a bit nutty but she
thinks she definitely nailed that audition, for sure, she's got the
part. But wait..Bettina gets the rose..what the ? I am enjoying how
this season the Bach just hands out the rose in front of everyone, none
of this, 'can I just steal Bettina for a minute?' nonsense.
The third date is a two-on-one (thanks Chris Harrison for the
explanation, or I would have not know what to call it), and the girls
and the Bach go somewhere...that looks a lot like his date with Jenni.
The date itself is pretty predictable, the girls compete with each
about who walked further to school in the snow and then Brad gives Jade
his best it's-not-you-it's-me speech and it's a bit sad because it
looks like she's eating it up, but wait...DeAnna gets the rose. And
although she doesn't wave it in Jade's face like I thought she might,
she saves it for the end of the show, when she waves it in McCarten's
face. Did anyone else notice how awkward the Bach's face looked when he
and DeeDee (gag) were in the hot tub and he leaned in for a kiss? Worth
the rewind, let me tell you. And a carefully timed pause. You'll
shudder, I guarantee it.
And then...the Cocktail Party. This one's a bit tense. Kirsty and the
Bach have a serious talk about how's she too much of a lady for him,
which I think is brilliant reverse psychology by the Bach because you
just know next week she's going to go all Solisa on him. Bettina is
super jealous of Jenni and thinks she's just here to 'play the game'.
Did Bettina forget that she already got a rose? So many tears at this
Cocktail Party.
I loved it when Chris walked in with his champagne glass and clinked
his glass to let everyone know it was Decision Time. He sooo should
have had the cowbell. That would have been gold. Even just to see old
Hills react and start rolling around the floor and salivating like a
dog. Isn't there some kind of conditional psychology theory in that?
Pavlov or something? Sigh...and still the Periodic Table haunts me.
Next week...the Most.Emotional.Exit.Ever. No surprise that Hillary
shows up to the Rose Ceremony in a wedding gown and then
hyperventilates when she thinks she doesn't get a rose. Stay tuned.
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