Oh, to be an editor on this show. So much material...can you imagine
some of the outtakes from the Bach? That would be a great dvd.
Up next - something a little different:
Chris-Bot:
Chris starts out the show in a new, casual Friday shirt with his usual
rigamarole about how important this week's dates are. He doesn't make
another appearance until the end of the cocktail party. I think at this
point he should stroll in, wasted, clinging onto an empty champagne
bottle and say something like: "Hey dudes, I'm tired of this crap job
and my wife is tired of me living in the Bachelorette mansion, so crazy
lady and moustache lady, you're out. The rest of you sorry broads can
pick up your rose on your way up to bed. Later, beeeotches!" Notice how
I didn't spoil it by using the girls real names....hey? hey?
The Bach:
I've noticed that the Bach starts a lot of sentences with the words "I
want" and he really over enunciates when he speaks. "I want these
amazing women to open up. I want them to be themselves. I want to show
them just how special and unique they all are. I want you to be okay" I
say bring back the brother, especially next week when he gets to meet
the families.
Jenni:
Jenni is laying low on this episode, but I do notice a couple of things about her. Actually, three:
1 - Is that a Phoenix Suns tattoo on her back?
2 - She's becoming a little too 13-going-on-30 for me. I'm sure her
inner Jennifer Garner will come out next week when she's on stage,
dancing to Thriller for the Bach (there I go, spoiling the ending)
3 - Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Jerome is dating
the girl who only looks good in certain lights? Jenni is totally that
girl. It's subtle, but it's there. Watch for it.
DeeDee - or - Dee-squared (and damn it all, if Facebook would allow superscripts, that nickname would totally rock):
Nice editing on DeAnna this week. She comes off looking pretty good.
Confident, calm, good chemistry, great hair. I've got nothing mean to
say. Crap. Good thing Hillary was on the show. But more on her later.
Bettina:
Bettina perplexes me. She can't speak well (e.g. "I've always been
brought up that the girl is supposed to play hard to get"), she's got
interesting hair, and a freaky jealous streak. Although if I had gotten
a gondola hat (which quite nicely doubles as a barbershop quartet hat,
thank you very much), and some other broad got billion dollar earrings,
I might have something to say about it. I did enjoy how at the cocktail
party she gave the Bach the greenest light ever by telling him how
badly she wanted to kiss him and have his hands on her body...and still
no kiss.
Sheena:
She is getting more 'endowed' as the show goes on. I am not kidding.
And seriously, 'I have a chest'. Solid editing. All jokes aside, what
did that little statue she pulled out of the date box have to do with
the date? This date was significantly over the top. Way way way over
the top. Tulle and lighting around the stairs - balloon filled rooms -
brown paper packages tied up with strings - waaaay over the top. Try to
keep that up in real life, Bach. But seriously now, I don't get the
lopsidedness of the dates this season - I don't remember it that way in
past.
Kristy:
Kristy gets to go on the group date of the pool party. She looked a bit
nervous when this date got announced - I think she had forgotten to
um...wax her...upper lip. Yeesh, I'm catty. But really, if you didn't
notice her moos-tachio, it will make a solid appearance at the Rose
Ceremony. And if you still didn't notice it there, spring for high-def.
It's time. And it's worth it. Especially if you're also an America's
Next Top Model fan.
Poor Kristy, she did not stand a chance. Seriously. Most conservative
girl in the group - never once got to dress up in a dress and sip
champagne in the back of a horse drawn carriage and she has to go to a
wild pool party with three other babes. No wonder she got the boot. The
group date itself was a little bit silly - slip 'n' slide is never a
good time, especially not in a bikini. But I was secretly rooting for
Kristy - just pull up your bikini bottom a little, do a shot of
tequila, and show those broads what you're made of! But no, she squeals
and she's embarassed and she's out. However, I would gladly be Kristy
to crazy Hillary - honestly, Kristy could have had a moustache, goatee,
and unibrow and she still would have come off looking like a superstar
next to Hills at the Rose Ceremony.
Which will bring us back to....doe, a deer, a female deer:
Where to begin? Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good
place to start. Actually, let's start poolside. Or should I say - slip
'n' slide-side. Ouch, a tongue twister. Not as much of a tongue twister
as good old Hills came up with, though - way to be the first
Bachelorette in history to be censored, girlfriend. What the * did she
say, anyways? 'Stick my hand up...a couple of times...and yadda yadda
yadda...call it a day'. Except insert about a minute of 'bleep' in
between every phrase along with an odd hand gesture. As the Bach would
say, WOW. I've never worked the rewind so many times in one sitting. I
really tried to figure out what she said, but could not - if anyone
knows, please message me (no comments, please, children might be
reading this...or Kristy might read it as well, lord knows she would
squeal in disgust if she heard Hills talk that way).
I really can't believe that Hills didn't see it coming. Okay, I know
that it's 'all in the editing', but come on - when they were floating
on the air mattress (that later was leaning against the wall at the
Rose Ceremony), when they were talking at the Cocktail Party - anytime
a guy mentions you and he as Good Friends in the same sentence, you're
pretty much doomed. Hasn't this girl read Cosmo?
Hills literally melts at the RC. And the bridal dress she hand stitched
(hee hee - you're right, Hills, every guy likes a girl in white b/c
it'll make him think how awesome you'll look walking up the aisle) is
totally cutting off her circulation - no wonder she hyperventilates and
her face starts melting. And didn't you all feel it when she was
outside, bawling, and the Bach comes out, and for one brief shining
moment, her eyes light up and you know exactly what just passed through
her mind: "He's bringing me a rose. It was all a joke."
Sigh.
She's definitely going to regret Every.Last.Minute of the sobfest on
the way out. This might actually inspire me to watch the always crappy
reunion episode. Or, more likely, to rant about how crappy the reunion
episode is, based on principle (I mean, the show's not even over yet
and they air a reunion show?) and content (reunion show =
worst.episode.ever).
And then there were four. Next week will be awesome. Who's dad will
have a gun? Who will come out in a wedding dress? Who will have no
family to meet the Bach? Oh wait...that was last season. This season
there will be greek madness, a crazy mom who's had a lot of work done
(seriously, a lot), a World's Best Grandma, and an uncomfortable
meeting with the divorcee's family. And then. The Bachelor makes his
Toughest.Decision.Ever. I can hardly wait.
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