Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute here, wait just a dang minute, y’all.
Whoa. I just need to catch my breath here, Chris-Bot, just stop the
limo for a second. I might need a cigar or something. Maybe a shot of
tequila. Whoa. What kind of ending…whoa.
Okay.
I’m ready.
Wow. No I’m not.
Okay, now I’m ready.
So…the episode starts with the Bach at his oceanfront rental property
(as if he owns that place) and I’m thinking – I really don’t stand on
my balcony, drinking coffee and thinking about life as much as I
should. Actually, I don't do that at all. Then the Bach’s family shows
up – mom, the twin, and the ‘little’ brother Wes. For a split second I
thought Wes was actually the dad, but then I had a mini-flashback to
the start of the season and I remember something about a double-wide
trailer and an absent dad.
DeAnna (that’s pronounced Dee-Ah-Na, kind of like Ahn-dre-a from 90210)
is the first to show up to meet the family and it seems to go really
well. The mom and DeeDee are getting along well, the boys are hamming
it up by the pool (oh yeah, I said hamming) and the Hot Twin (Chad)
rips his shirt pushing his brother in the pool. Where is the brother’s
wife, I’m wondering. Suspicious. Anyhow, a wet Bach says goodbye to
DeAnna and says some sappy things to her that I’ve already forgotten,
given the way the show ends. But, I digress…
Up next is Jenni – she’s a little too giggly for me and gets a little
too fidgety when the word ‘love’ comes up. I’m not sure why I put love
in quotations there, but I might be a little bit bitter, perhaps. It’s
almost as if it were me who didn’t get the final rose. Actually, I
didn’t get the final rose, and I’m still too wound up about the final
outcome. Whoa. Okay, I’m ready to continue….
So – Jenni – I still like her, but she ends every sentence in either a
giggle or in a question…and she did sit down a tad bit too close to
Mama Womack on the couch, so I still can’t get into her. I’m still too
much in love with DeAnna. But the family meeting goes alright, pretty
predictable I guess, what with the tossing of the football and all.
After the commercial break – DeAnna is making the last supper for Brad
in the two-bedroom rental that her and Jenni are renting. I’m not
kidding – if you check out the décor, you’ll notice it’s pretty much
the same in both (except for the kitchen). Off-camera, DeAnna talks
about how excited she is just to spend ‘normal’ nights with the Bach,
watching tv, and chatting about who left the toilet seat up and all the
cutesy stuff. I imagine a slightly different picture – the Bach and
DeeDee cozied up on the couch, watching old episodes of the Bach, and
when they’re watching the Fantasy Suite Episode, some…tension…if you
will:
D-squared: So…what happened with the other girls (all coy and flirty, trying to come off like she doesn’t care).
Bach: Well…you know it doesn’t matter and I really do want to respect all the girls I slept with before rejecting them…I mean…
D-squared (slightly more tense): Oh, no you didn’t, y’all
Bach (sweating a little, hoping Chris-Bot mysteriously shows up):…well….
D-squared (now snapping): Yeah, well, just so you know, the night you
spent with Bettina, Jenni and I were out with your bro and Chris-Bot,
and we drank a crap load of ouzo and I’m not really sure who’s bed I
woke up in.
Wow, I’m fired up. But you probably are too, if you watched this episode. Did you see the ending?
Next up…the last supper with Jenni. What is up with her tattoo? I
couldn’t quite figure out what the hell it was – a happy face, a heart,
and a scribbled circle? Um…different, I guess. And then.....the diary.
Okay, honestly. Next time, a tip: try Phoenix Suns front-row season
tickets for the Bach and his brothers instead of an excerpt from the
diary. She did pour her heart out, though, which was good, I thought.
And she did say she 'loved' him. Again with the quotations.
Then the Bach goes shopping for rings – on Rodeo Drive – in a limo- and
again I’m thinking of Pretty Woman. What’s yo dream? Everybody gotta
dream. Oh, Richard Gere, what have you been up to these days?
The Bach goes to Chopard, looks at a few rocks, and picks out a nice
one. No sarcasm, there, it’s pretty nice. Either girl would love to get
it…or maybe just let it sit in the box, you know, Brad, whichever, no
pressure.
And then – the final scene. I’m tense, as usual. I’m leaning really
close to the tv, I mean really close. Jenni is first out. Chris is
back! Hooray! Jenni walks up to the Bach, they chat a little, and then
the music stops. I’m even more tense. And Jenni gets rejected. Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. She’s upset , he whispers something in her ear, and she
leaves in the limo (Sidebar: weird film editing in the limo, no?)
Then…DeAnna shows up, and I’m excited because, as you know, I’m in love
with her and I think she’s got it in the bag, and the Bach starts
giving her the speech, you know, leading her on if you will, then has a
moment of weakness or clarity or whatever, and says goodbye to DeeDee
as well.
Wow.
For once, Chris-Bot was reading the truth from the teleprompter – this was the Most.Dramatic.Episode.Ever
I’m a bit stunned, and I feel cheated. The only redemption would have
been, in the final credits, if DeeAnna had gone back to the apartment,
only to find a wasted Jenni and the entire Phonix Suns basketball team,
playing stip poker or something equally debaucherous. Take that, Bach!
So, I’m a bit torn – was Brad sincere, did he wimp out, or could he quite possibly be the Smoothest.Bachelor.Ever?
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