What the Bach looks like on paper

Finally the tables have turned. The Girls get to bring the Bach home to
meet their families. I do think, that in future seasons of the
Bachelor, that these dates should start with date boxes delivered to
Brad that are representative of his upcoming date and family
meet-n-greet. So...in that spirit:

The First Date Box Arrives: Brad gets a picnic basket, some red ruby
slippers, a mini-walker, and a bottle of shampoo. Brad is off to Kansas
to meet Jenni's family. The whole dance routine was a bit weird
(especially with no music), but overall, I think it was a successful
date. The family was nice. The grandma was fantastic - seriously, I
loved everything about her: the 100% grandma t-shirt, sitting on the
walker at the dinner table, the attitude, everything. She's gold. The
mom - not bad - but the hairwashing scene was a bit weird. Or, as Brad
put it, comfortable. The editors try to play up the whole long distance
relationship thing, but it's overblown: Jenni is an easy pick.

The Second Date Box Arrives: A 'Tickle Trunk' with a turquoise blue
boa, a crystal ball, and a life jacket. Oh yes, this is an entertaining
date. Sheena and Brad and their look-a-likes (Beverly and 'the dad') go
sailing. So far so good. But up next: Beverly is a nut. Very odd. But
no worries, Beverly and Sheena are ready to get married, so Brad has
nothing to worry about. I especially loved the hot tub scene - I really
thought I saw a shadow of a person walk behind the makeshift screen
behind the tub and I was convinced that Beverly would pop out, in a
turquoise bikini, matching kitten heels, and waterproof tarot cards,
and hop in the tub.

Sidebar: Do you ever imagine, when they show Brad and whatever girl
he's with in the back of the SUV, that Chris is actually the driver? I
mean, what else does he have to do this episode? The least he could do
is cart everyone around. But I digress....

The third date box arrives: An empty bottle of ouzo, with the label slightly peeled off and no cap. That's it.
I have to admit that I like DeAnna - clever editing. But I really liked
her and her family. The dad seems solid. And I really liked how DeAnna
brought her family photos out to show Brad pics of her mom - all
sarcasm aside, that was nice. Almost made me forget that I was watching
a reality show with a dude who was dating multiple girls at once.
Almost. I think DeAnna might deserve better - again, clever editing.
And holy crap, the grandpa! He literally struts in, with a harem of
broads (okay okay...his wife, daugter-in-law, and sister or something),
and announces that 'he's got the booze, he's ready to party'. Nice! The
rest of the date looks like fun and Brad gets a bit drunk.

The final date box arrives: a framed picture of Bettina's dad with his
arm around the ex-husband taken at some old boys club, and Bettina's
spine. Not much to say about this date - except that the dad looks a
bit like Stephen King to me and is a jerk. And a creep. And arrogant.
And that's just what he looks like on paper. I can't even joke about
this date - if this were my family, I would leave home and never come
back. This is not a family that loves each other. No wonder Bettina
can't think for herself - her dad has spoon fed her every thought she's
ever had.

Up next: The Bachelor faces his Easiest.Decision.Ever. How hard is it
to decide to get ride of Bettina? But wait a minute - wait a minute - I
don't have a professorship, Stephen King, so I need a minute to
comprehend - Bettina gets a rose??? Weak. The only thing I can think of
is that Brad has already made his final decision and he only wants to
take Betts on an overnight date to piss off the dad. Seriously - what
other explanation could there be?

Final sidebar: I liked Sheena, I really did - but how awesome would it
have been if, in the limo, when she's crying and such - that the camera
turns around towards the front, the window rolls down, and what? It's
our old friend Chris Harrison - working some OT as the limo driver -
chauffeur's hat and all. Again, if only I wrote the show.

In the Immortal Words of Sheena..."I have a chest"

Oh, to be an editor on this show. So much material...can you imagine
some of the outtakes from the Bach? That would be a great dvd.

Up next - something a little different:

Chris-Bot:
Chris starts out the show in a new, casual Friday shirt with his usual
rigamarole about how important this week's dates are. He doesn't make
another appearance until the end of the cocktail party. I think at this
point he should stroll in, wasted, clinging onto an empty champagne
bottle and say something like: "Hey dudes, I'm tired of this crap job
and my wife is tired of me living in the Bachelorette mansion, so crazy
lady and moustache lady, you're out. The rest of you sorry broads can
pick up your rose on your way up to bed. Later, beeeotches!" Notice how
I didn't spoil it by using the girls real names....hey? hey?

The Bach:
I've noticed that the Bach starts a lot of sentences with the words "I
want" and he really over enunciates when he speaks. "I want these
amazing women to open up. I want them to be themselves. I want to show
them just how special and unique they all are. I want you to be okay" I
say bring back the brother, especially next week when he gets to meet
the families.

Jenni:
Jenni is laying low on this episode, but I do notice a couple of things about her.  Actually, three:
1 - Is that a Phoenix Suns tattoo on her back?
2 - She's becoming a little too 13-going-on-30 for me. I'm sure her
inner Jennifer Garner will come out next week when she's on stage,
dancing to Thriller for the Bach (there I go, spoiling the ending)
3 - Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Jerome is dating
the girl who only looks good in certain lights? Jenni is totally that
girl. It's subtle, but it's there. Watch for it.

DeeDee - or - Dee-squared (and damn it all, if Facebook would allow superscripts, that nickname would totally rock):
Nice editing on DeAnna this week. She comes off looking pretty good.
Confident, calm, good chemistry, great hair. I've got nothing mean to
say. Crap. Good thing Hillary was on the show. But more on her later.

Bettina:
Bettina perplexes me. She can't speak well (e.g. "I've always been
brought up that the girl is supposed to play hard to get"), she's got
interesting hair, and a freaky jealous streak. Although if I had gotten
a gondola hat (which quite nicely doubles as a barbershop quartet hat,
thank you very much), and some other broad got billion dollar earrings,
I might have something to say about it. I did enjoy how at the cocktail
party she gave the Bach the greenest light ever by telling him how
badly she wanted to kiss him and have his hands on her body...and still
no kiss.

Sheena:
She is getting more 'endowed' as the show goes on. I am not kidding.
And seriously, 'I have a chest'. Solid editing. All jokes aside, what
did that little statue she pulled out of the date box have to do with
the date? This date was significantly over the top. Way way way over
the top. Tulle and lighting around the stairs - balloon filled rooms -
brown paper packages tied up with strings - waaaay over the top. Try to
keep that up in real life, Bach. But seriously now, I don't get the
lopsidedness of the dates this season - I don't remember it that way in
past.

Kristy:
Kristy gets to go on the group date of the pool party. She looked a bit
nervous when this date got announced - I think she had forgotten to
um...wax her...upper lip. Yeesh, I'm catty. But really, if you didn't
notice her moos-tachio, it will make a solid appearance at the Rose
Ceremony. And if you still didn't notice it there, spring for high-def.
It's time. And it's worth it. Especially if you're also an America's
Next Top Model fan.

Poor Kristy, she did not stand a chance. Seriously. Most conservative
girl in the group - never once got to dress up in a dress and sip
champagne in the back of a horse drawn carriage and she has to go to a
wild pool party with three other babes. No wonder she got the boot. The
group date itself was a little bit silly - slip 'n' slide is never a
good time, especially not in a bikini. But I was secretly rooting for
Kristy - just pull up your bikini bottom a little, do a shot of
tequila, and show those broads what you're made of! But no, she squeals
and she's embarassed and she's out. However, I would gladly be Kristy
to crazy Hillary - honestly, Kristy could have had a moustache, goatee,
and unibrow and she still would have come off looking like a superstar
next to Hills at the Rose Ceremony.

Which will bring us back to....doe, a deer, a female deer:
Where to begin? Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good
place to start. Actually, let's start poolside. Or should I say - slip
'n' slide-side. Ouch, a tongue twister. Not as much of a tongue twister
as good old Hills came up with, though - way to be the first
Bachelorette in history to be censored, girlfriend. What the * did she
say, anyways? 'Stick my hand up...a couple of times...and yadda yadda
yadda...call it a day'. Except insert about a minute of 'bleep' in
between every phrase along with an odd hand gesture. As the Bach would
say, WOW. I've never worked the rewind so many times in one sitting. I
really tried to figure out what she said, but could not - if anyone
knows, please message me (no comments, please, children might be
reading this...or Kristy might read it as well, lord knows she would
squeal in disgust if she heard Hills talk that way).

I really can't believe that Hills didn't see it coming. Okay, I know
that it's 'all in the editing', but come on - when they were floating
on the air mattress (that later was leaning against the wall at the
Rose Ceremony), when they were talking at the Cocktail Party - anytime
a guy mentions you and he as Good Friends in the same sentence, you're
pretty much doomed. Hasn't this girl read Cosmo?

Hills literally melts at the RC. And the bridal dress she hand stitched
(hee hee - you're right, Hills, every guy likes a girl in white b/c
it'll make him think how awesome you'll look walking up the aisle) is
totally cutting off her circulation - no wonder she hyperventilates and
her face starts melting. And didn't you all feel it when she was
outside, bawling, and the Bach comes out, and for one brief shining
moment, her eyes light up and you know exactly what just passed through
her mind: "He's bringing me a rose. It was all a joke."

Sigh.

She's definitely going to regret Every.Last.Minute of the sobfest on
the way out. This might actually inspire me to watch the always crappy
reunion episode. Or, more likely, to rant about how crappy the reunion
episode is, based on principle (I mean, the show's not even over yet
and they air a reunion show?) and content (reunion show =
worst.episode.ever).

And then there were four. Next week will be awesome. Who's dad will
have a gun? Who will come out in a wedding dress? Who will have no
family to meet the Bach? Oh wait...that was last season. This season
there will be greek madness, a crazy mom who's had a lot of work done
(seriously, a lot), a World's Best Grandma, and an uncomfortable
meeting with the divorcee's family. And then. The Bachelor makes his
Toughest.Decision.Ever. I can hardly wait.

The Bach could be the father of my children...OR my husband

Oh McCarten, you were doomed from the start. And saying things like
that don't help your case. I mean really, boys can be the father of
your children AND your husband. I'm just saying.

So a bit of a sidebar: a couple weeks back I was slacking on Facebook,
you know, searching randomly for old coworkers and kindergarten
teachers and the like and I decided to type in Brad Womack. Or, as my
mom would say (and I know you're reading this, mom, so I'm saying it
with love), punch in Brad Womack's name. And he's on Facebook. Whoa,
whoa, whoa. Whoa. A dilemma presents itself: was this the real Brad or
some dude trying to cash in on who know's what kind of fame?

I spent some time trying to figure out some sly message to write to
this 'Brad Womack'. You know, something that only I and the real Bach
would know, and I came up at a loss. And now, I searched again tonight
for him, and he's not on Facebook anymore. I'm sure there's a lesson in
there somewhere, but I'm too tired from all the catfighting and
intensity from the Bach tonight, I just can't be bothered to learn it.

But I digress: the show starts with a flash of the Bach shirtless and
the girls sitting around in their Team Pink sweatshirts and strapless
velour one-pieces and wedge sandals and I start to wonder if this is
what sorority life is like? I'm not really sure, since I spent most of
my university days being too shy to do anything but memorize the
Periodic Table like some kind of science fool.

First Date Box shows up and Jenni gets to go on a helicopter ride with
the Bach. This is seriously a hot date - I would love to do a
helicopter ride around the city with JCW and then land somewhere cool
for dinner and drinks. Not perched on a teeny bar stool in 3-inch heels
by the ledge of a skyscraper like Jenni and Brad. I do have that whole
scared of heights thing going on. But still...a hot date. Bottle of
wine...snuggling under a blanket...obviously she gets a rose. No
surprise there. Obviously she's saved every rose Brad's given her. Not
so obvious is that she hangs them upside down from a chandelier with a
hair clip? Plus she forgot to mention her collage of Brad pics cut out
from Teen Beat that's framed beside her bed. But I like Jenni, so I
should stop being so obnoxious.

Back at the ranch or villa or whatever: a cat fight ensues. A lot of
head bobbing, finger waving, eye rolling, and "no you di'int, y'all". I
wonder if these babes do anything but sit around on couches, and dish
about their dates and how slutty and sexual everyone is? Get a damn
hobby, y'all, like, maybe a blog or something?

Up next...Group Date. I think Brad blew the budget on the first date so
the girls get to an Improv theatre and do tricks so they can hear Brad
ring a cowbell for them. Yeah...hot. Poor Kristy - she's struggling -
but I admit, so would I - what would you do with a tambourine that's
funny and flirty and confident and original? But the better question
is, how would you beg for a rose if you were a dog? I'm pretty sure I
would just exit stage left. Hillary continues to be a bit nutty but she
thinks she definitely nailed that audition, for sure, she's got the
part. But wait..Bettina gets the rose..what the ? I am enjoying how
this season the Bach just hands out the rose in front of everyone, none
of this, 'can I just steal Bettina for a minute?' nonsense.

The third date is a two-on-one (thanks Chris Harrison for the
explanation, or I would have not know what to call it), and the girls
and the Bach go somewhere...that looks a lot like his date with Jenni.
The date itself is pretty predictable, the girls compete with each
about who walked further to school in the snow and then Brad gives Jade
his best it's-not-you-it's-me speech and it's a bit sad because it
looks like she's eating it up, but wait...DeAnna gets the rose. And
although she doesn't wave it in Jade's face like I thought she might,
she saves it for the end of the show, when she waves it in McCarten's
face. Did anyone else notice how awkward the Bach's face looked when he
and DeeDee (gag) were in the hot tub and he leaned in for a kiss? Worth
the rewind, let me tell you. And a carefully timed pause. You'll
shudder, I guarantee it.

And then...the Cocktail Party. This one's a bit tense. Kirsty and the
Bach have a serious talk about how's she too much of a lady for him,
which I think is brilliant reverse psychology by the Bach because you
just know next week she's going to go all Solisa on him. Bettina is
super jealous of Jenni and thinks she's just here to 'play the game'.
Did Bettina forget that she already got a rose? So many tears at this
Cocktail Party.

I loved it when Chris walked in with his champagne glass and clinked
his glass to let everyone know it was Decision Time. He sooo should
have had the cowbell. That would have been gold. Even just to see old
Hills react and start rolling around the floor and salivating like a
dog. Isn't there some kind of conditional psychology theory in that?
Pavlov or something? Sigh...and still the Periodic Table haunts me.

Next week...the Most.Emotional.Exit.Ever. No surprise that Hillary
shows up to the Rose Ceremony in a wedding gown and then
hyperventilates when she thinks she doesn't get a rose. Stay tuned.

Chris-Bot and the Twins

Oh Brad Womack...I'm feeling that familiar pull I always get at this
point in this season. Me in week one: The Bach is a stupid show, I
don't think I'll watch it this season. Week two: I kind of like Jenni,
but I don't really care who he picks. I might watch it next week. By
the final week I'll be yelling at the tv about who he should and
shouldn't pick and arranging my whole schedule around the show. Who's
kidding who, I'm doing that already. Good times.

So, start of the show, Chris-bot rolls down the stairs in his casual
look (jeans and striped shirt) and begins explaining the concept of the
single rose on a group date. You have to admit that for a guy who's
recited the same seven lines on every show, on every season, he still
delivers them pretty well. And the girls do hang on his every word.

First date box appears (sidebar: I like this idea of a date
box...wouldn't it be fun getting a date box at work so you could
anticipate the date you had lined up for that night..sans the other
girls, of course. But think about it - there are some fun
possibilities). So first group date is the circus. And there's a twist
that the Bach reveals: they're going to be PART of the circus. Wow. I'm
excited. I'm imagining the six girls in a pyramid formation, balanced
on the Bach's shoulder while he's riding a unicycle, wearing a top hat,
and being chased by Montecore. Now that would be
The.Greatest.Show.On.Earth

.
But I don't write the show, just watch it, so that doesn't happen. They
could have, at the very least, made Chris-Bot the Ringmaster. But aside
from those two omissions, it's still a pretty good date. I'm still
liking Jenni, although I'm not sure what was up with the brown
strapless velour one-piece pant suit. She did confess some feelings to
Brad, and he sort of reciprocated but also was a bit evasive: he wants
to make sure he gets to know all the girls equally before he makes any
judgements....this guy is smoother than I thought.

He's does like to evade things, I've noticed. Example: Stefy starts
talking about her dad and how she hasn't had a date in five years...the
Bach isn't quite sure what to do with it, so she's get's a rose.
Speaking of awkward situations leading up to getting a rose, next up is
the individual date. I'm not quite sure how to describe this one... it
starts out very Pretty Woman-esque (except the Bach forgot to snap the
jewelry box on her hand), and ended up...like I don't know what. She
does a lot of sobbing (is this what she meant by being sexy? flirty?
different than the other girls?)...but she does get a rose. And a
chocolate sundae.

The next date is a group date and they're going for a wild boat ride in
the sun. So now I'm imagining the girls in pyramid formation (with life
jackets of course, I'm not an idiot), on top of Brad's shoulder, while
he's riding, not a jet ski mind you, but a dolphin. Now that would be
an awesome date. But no, just a warning from the Coast Guard, a half
plate of chopped pineapple to be shared be everyone, and a lapdance
from a Christian. Which reminds me of some great editing: a fire in the
hole.

Up next: The.Most.Shocking.Cocktail.Party.Ever.
This really is pretty good. The Bach's twin brother shows up and I kind
of missed his name, so I'll call him...oh I don't know...Arnold. It
kind of annoyed me when Arnold acted all suprised that the Bach, let's
call him Danny, asked him to pretend to be the Bach for the night. I
mean, really, you're already wearing the same damn suit as him, as if
you weren't tipped off about the clever prank you're about to pull
before he asked you. Just chug your beer and get the party started,
already.

But seriously, when they were in the limo and Danny asks Arnold to
describe some of the girls, as a test, I was really hoping they would
get to Solisa. Because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have said, is she
the Christian? The best part was when Arnold and Danny got out of the
limo and Danny says to Arnold: "If anyone can do this, you can".
Really? You mean, if you sent Chris in there to pretend to be you, it
wouldn't work? I think at least Lindsey would not have caught on to it.
But really, a great segment, and you know that the bro has done this
'pretend to be your twin thing' before. It just comes too easily to
him. In the end I was a bit disappointed that we didn't get to see how
Jenni reacted to the twin thing, but otherwise, he made some good
choices.

A couple of final thoughts - what is that leaning up against the wall
behind the Bach during the Rose Ceremony? A see-through air mattress?
Distracting. And I'm also thinking that a collection of roses on a
silver tray is definitely going to be the centerpiece at the next party
chez moi. Every hour or so I'll offer a rose to one of my friends so
they can stay for a little bit longer, like, Ken Harkness, will you
accept this rose?

Bachelor Confessions

Okay...so first confession: after last week's show I 'accidently' read
online that someone compared this year's Bach to Patrick Swayze. I
can't agree more - next time you watch the episode you won't be able to
stop imagining (a young) Patrick Swayze doing body shots, giving away
roses, and having serious one-on-one conversations. This will
especially come true in the last few episodes where one of the girls
(probably Jenni) admits that she loves him, and because he can't say
that he loves her too, will just say 'ditto'. Either that or he and
Solisa will be doing some clay sculpting on a date. I mean, really, she
is a free spirit and all, just like Demi.

Second confession: this week's episode was a bit dull. I've watched the
show enough times to know that there are a couple weeks where the
crazies have to be separated from the real ones, although there's
always one wingnut left in a little too long (this season's wingnut:
Jade). So I watched this week knowing this one would be one of those
episodes. And in that respect, I wasn't disappointed.

So...on to the show: The Date Boxes appear - and the first group date
is a trip to the racetrack so the Bach can see if there are any
gamblers in the group. Turns out there aren't - the one girl who
actually wins at gambling has no idea she won. And given the floppy
hats some of the girls were wearing, I think they may have watched
Pretty Woman a few too many times. You know the scene - Ms. Roberts
doing some sort of Arsenio Hall hand-pump with George Costanza talking
about prostitutes. Uncomfortable.

The second best part about this scene was some football dude coming in
to give away shirts and to have a chat with the Bach about the girls:
Shaun Phillips: They were nice girls.  They talked and jumped around.
Bach: Yeah, you're right.  They jumped around.
How did they say that with straight faces?? I can't even type that
(they jumped around) without laughing out loud. Shaun Phillips should
stick to playing football so that the Chargers mabye could win a game
or two.

The best part of the scene was not the part when Michelle fell down the
stairs (although that was not bad), but when the Bach got the phone
call about it, and the nanny (Mallory?) was sitting at the table,
flipping through Cosmo or something, and didn't even react. Hilarious.
A close second to this was the explanation from the girl who heard
Michelle fall - she went to check out what happened and when she saw
Michelle, 'just ran out the front door screaming'. How helpful. I can't
remember if this is the same girl who gave the Bach an 11.5 on the 1-10
hotness scale. Way to play coy, girlfriend, way to play coy.

The next date was Beach Blanket Bingo...or in Chris-Harrison-speak,
The.Hottest.Date.Ever. But really, I think we've all been on hotter
dates - namely any date that didn't involve doing cartwheels on the
beach, 10 other women, or running into the ocean with the top of your
bikini off only to not be followed by anyone, not even the dude you're
trying to flirt with. Awkward. I wonder how long it took for her to
realize that the Bach wasn't coming in. Which leads me to the best part
of this date - the editing for Solisa:

Solisa: I'm a free spirt.   I want you to do a body shot off of me.
Bach (off camera): I just want Solisa to show me who she is.
Solisa: I'm a Christian.  I have morals.
Bach (giving that look - that split second of surprise, almost laugh
out loud, then quickly recovers into an inquisitive, serious
expression): A Christian? Wow!

The second rose goes to Sarah. I'm not sure who she is but guessing by
the Bach, I'm not really sure he knew either. That was a weird
scene...the two of them, sitting on the beach, the Bach saying her name
like he wasn't sure he had the right girl. And Sarah....she's a dork.
Enough said.

Random thoughts about the pre-Rose Ceremony/Rose Ceremony: Michelle
didn't have a hope. Better go back to work, so she can pay for
'college'. Is that what it's called these days? I still like Jenni -
who cares about the portfolio? My perfect day: wake up. Oh yeah, then
eat breakfast. And then, do something outdoorsy, like watercolour. And
Chris Harrison has a great job.

Don't forget to watch next week, when the twin shows up...looks like my week#3 prediction is right on.