Don't worry about Saturday - it'll be a good day

Interesting. I'm not sure where to start. I'd like to give the benefit
of the doubt to the Bach, but I may be a little too cynical to do that.
Maybe the Bach is honest. Maybe the Bach is sincere. But he's also a
smooth talking dude who evades questions before they're even asked and
uses his crap behaviour to try to come off looking good. And I'm sorry
to say that we all know guys like this. Not to generalize - but come
on, haven't we all had a guy say the most amazing things to us. Like -
wow, you're the kind of girl I want to marry some day and I never
thought I'd meet such an amazing girl...and in the same breath,
turnaround and say, but you deserve better or I just don't want to get
married just yet. Or, at least I've heard that - maybe I just confessed
something that no one else has felt. Uncomfortable.

Anyhow.

Other random thoughts:

There wasn't a lot of new material on the show - lots of recaps and highlights.  So, not a ton to comment on.

Trista+Ryan and the Other.Couple - weak attempt at the show trying to save face.  Obviously.

Jenni came off looking good - she seems a lot more well adjusted than I
gave her credit for. And her poor grandma, I'm embarassed to say I
cried for her. Love Grandmas!!!

The Hot Brother has a Hot Wife.  Nice work, Chad.

There were some unattractive babes in the audience (do those two words
cancel each other out?). But really, not a great looking audience - and
I think Fergie Ferg was also in the audience. Yikes.

I'm still in love with DeAnna - she did well considering how angry and heartbroken she obviously still is/was.

Nice awkward moment with Jenni came back out and he put is arm around her for a split second. 

And now, the Bach. Wow. This guy is the smoothest talking clown I've
ever seen. This cat has an evasive answer for anything. FYI, dude,
don't mistake looking and speaking intensely with actually being
sincere. That crap just doesn't wash with me. Seriously - there are no
words. 'I don't have a formula for falling in love, man'. Nice line,
Bach. Any dude who tries to play off saying some of things he said to
these two girls before rejecting them both as "I think you of all
people, DeAnna, should respect that I took the higher ground, here".
Um....seriously - this guy has a had A LOT of experience talking to
starry eyed ladies at his clubs.

There's a George Bush quality to this guy - something about the way he
talks, over enunciating, interrupting Chris-Bot's questions like:

Chris-Bot: "Don't you think you came off looking like a "
Bach (Nodding): "Sure, I sure did"
Chris-Bot: "Jerk?"
Bach: Not really addressing the question, just answering really
evasively, looking for sympathy: "No one's as heartbroken as me".

Ug. I don't feel like talking about him anymore. Plus I'm late for
curling. So I might blog more later, once I've settled down a little.
Stupid show. But as if I won't be watching it again in the spring.

The moment we've all been waiting for...um, no

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute here, wait just a dang minute, y’all.
Whoa. I just need to catch my breath here, Chris-Bot, just stop the
limo for a second. I might need a cigar or something. Maybe a shot of
tequila. Whoa. What kind of ending…whoa.

Okay.

I’m ready.

Wow.  No I’m not.

Okay, now I’m ready.

So…the episode starts with the Bach at his oceanfront rental property
(as if he owns that place) and I’m thinking – I really don’t stand on
my balcony, drinking coffee and thinking about life as much as I
should. Actually, I don't do that at all. Then the Bach’s family shows
up – mom, the twin, and the ‘little’ brother Wes. For a split second I
thought Wes was actually the dad, but then I had a mini-flashback to
the start of the season and I remember something about a double-wide
trailer and an absent dad.

DeAnna (that’s pronounced Dee-Ah-Na, kind of like Ahn-dre-a from 90210)
is the first to show up to meet the family and it seems to go really
well. The mom and DeeDee are getting along well, the boys are hamming
it up by the pool (oh yeah, I said hamming) and the Hot Twin (Chad)
rips his shirt pushing his brother in the pool. Where is the brother’s
wife, I’m wondering. Suspicious. Anyhow, a wet Bach says goodbye to
DeAnna and says some sappy things to her that I’ve already forgotten,
given the way the show ends. But, I digress…

Up next is Jenni – she’s a little too giggly for me and gets a little
too fidgety when the word ‘love’ comes up. I’m not sure why I put love
in quotations there, but I might be a little bit bitter, perhaps. It’s
almost as if it were me who didn’t get the final rose. Actually, I
didn’t get the final rose, and I’m still too wound up about the final
outcome. Whoa. Okay, I’m ready to continue….

So – Jenni – I still like her, but she ends every sentence in either a
giggle or in a question…and she did sit down a tad bit too close to
Mama Womack on the couch, so I still can’t get into her. I’m still too
much in love with DeAnna. But the family meeting goes alright, pretty
predictable I guess, what with the tossing of the football and all.

After the commercial break – DeAnna is making the last supper for Brad
in the two-bedroom rental that her and Jenni are renting. I’m not
kidding – if you check out the décor, you’ll notice it’s pretty much
the same in both (except for the kitchen). Off-camera, DeAnna talks
about how excited she is just to spend ‘normal’ nights with the Bach,
watching tv, and chatting about who left the toilet seat up and all the
cutesy stuff. I imagine a slightly different picture – the Bach and
DeeDee cozied up on the couch, watching old episodes of the Bach, and
when they’re watching the Fantasy Suite Episode, some…tension…if you
will:

D-squared: So…what happened with the other girls (all coy and flirty, trying to come off like she doesn’t care).
Bach:  Well…you know it doesn’t matter and I really do want to respect all the girls I slept with before rejecting them…I mean…
D-squared (slightly more tense): Oh, no you didn’t, y’all
Bach (sweating a little, hoping Chris-Bot mysteriously shows up):…well….
D-squared (now snapping): Yeah, well, just so you know, the night you
spent with Bettina, Jenni and I were out with your bro and Chris-Bot,
and we drank a crap load of ouzo and I’m not really sure who’s bed I
woke up in.

Wow, I’m fired up.  But you probably are too, if you watched this episode. Did you see the ending?

Next up…the last supper with Jenni. What is up with her tattoo? I
couldn’t quite figure out what the hell it was – a happy face, a heart,
and a scribbled circle? Um…different, I guess. And then.....the diary.
Okay, honestly. Next time, a tip: try Phoenix Suns front-row season
tickets for the Bach and his brothers instead of an excerpt from the
diary. She did pour her heart out, though, which was good, I thought.
And she did say she 'loved' him. Again with the quotations.

Then the Bach goes shopping for rings – on Rodeo Drive – in a limo- and
again I’m thinking of Pretty Woman. What’s yo dream? Everybody gotta
dream. Oh, Richard Gere, what have you been up to these days?

The Bach goes to Chopard, looks at a few rocks, and picks out a nice
one. No sarcasm, there, it’s pretty nice. Either girl would love to get
it…or maybe just let it sit in the box, you know, Brad, whichever, no
pressure.

And then – the final scene. I’m tense, as usual. I’m leaning really
close to the tv, I mean really close. Jenni is first out. Chris is
back! Hooray! Jenni walks up to the Bach, they chat a little, and then
the music stops. I’m even more tense. And Jenni gets rejected. Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. She’s upset , he whispers something in her ear, and she
leaves in the limo (Sidebar: weird film editing in the limo, no?)

Then…DeAnna shows up, and I’m excited because, as you know, I’m in love
with her and I think she’s got it in the bag, and the Bach starts
giving her the speech, you know, leading her on if you will, then has a
moment of weakness or clarity or whatever, and says goodbye to DeeDee
as well.

Wow. 

For once, Chris-Bot was reading the truth from the teleprompter – this was the Most.Dramatic.Episode.Ever

.
I’m a bit stunned, and I feel cheated. The only redemption would have
been, in the final credits, if DeeAnna had gone back to the apartment,
only to find a wasted Jenni and the entire Phonix Suns basketball team,
playing stip poker or something equally debaucherous. Take that, Bach!

So, I’m a bit torn – was Brad sincere, did he wimp out, or could he quite possibly be the Smoothest.Bachelor.Ever?

Short and sweet

Since the show was mostly just filler and clips from previous episodes,
I'm only going to do a quick top ten of the Tell.All. I would love to
hear who everyone thinks the Bach is going to pick in next week's
finale. Please comment.

Top 10 thoughts:

1. I like Chris-Bot. Although he read the teleprompter a tad too much,
when he was being spontaneous he was actually a bit witty (the sky
writing joke or the ‘f’ word comment, for instance).

2. I totally think Sheena will be the next Bachelorette

3. McCarten is a smug beeatch…what a surprise (not). Come on
girlfriend, you’re on a reality show, you’re first name is McCarten,
you don’t understand how one man can be your husband and father your
children, you didn’t even make it close to the hometown dates, and
you’re smug about it? Puhhlease.

4. Bettina’s hair is looking great – but don’t worry, her dad is still
a jerk. And as much as I am into the Bach I actually admired how she
didn’t foam at the mouth like the rest of the girls (and me, come to
think about it) about him.

5. Audience questions are stupid.  Enough said.

6. I still think the brother is better looking than the Bach (all
twin-ness aside). A little more tanned and clean shaven. Wow. Yes.

7. The Bach does well – he’s confident, humble and honest and says ALL
the right things to the girls. Seriously – he really had some well
thought out answers. Made we wonder if he got a heads up on some of the
girls’ questions. (Sidebar: Kimberly, I knew this guy would grow on you
– love your (over) analysis!)

8. For all of Hillary’s craziness and meltdowns, I would love to hit
the town with her. Seriously, she would be a total blast to party with.

9. Chris was speaking directly to me when he said they need help finding the next Bach.

10. I personally would rather have Deanna as a best girl friend (she’s
awesome and I might be in love with her) but I think his feelings for
Jenni are stronger…so I say he'll pick Jenni. I would be happy to be
wrong on that one. I really am falling in love with Deanna.

Sidebar: I love the preview of next week when he’s talking to each girl
at the mock altar: totally gives nothing away! Stupid show, I love it.
So…who do you think he’s going to pick?

I Miss Chris

Remember when tv shows were scheduled to be an hour long? And there
were like, only two or three commercials during each commercial break?
And you’d tape shows on your beta and break off the little tab on the
tape so no one could tape over it? Yeah, me neither.

So – the first fifteen minutes of the show aren’t actually part of the
show. They’re more like an extended commercial…an infomercial, if you
will…with the Bach chatting it up about the girls, some clips from
episodes gone by (I had just about blocked the acrobatic-flexible girl
from my mind…yikes), and some really bad music playing in the
background. Was this Chris Harrison’s first attempt at editing? I must
say that he should stick to his day job, which given the lack of
appearance in this episode (was there even a voiceover?) is pretty
sweet. But back to that acrobatic girl for a minute – do you think the
directors made her reshoot that scene because the first time she wasn’t
wearing the black leggings? Or did she go into the date thinking: ‘oh
yes, I’m totally pulling out my A-game tonight and doing the backbend.
No dude can resist that. I better put on the leggings.’)

The real show begins…at 7:15ish. Eveyone is in Cabo San Lucas. It looks
pretty impressive, seriously. This week are the overnight dates, so
there are no date boxes. At least not ones that we get to see. The
first date is with Jenni and her and the Bach get to swim with
dolphins. Jenni is loving it because it’s just her and Brad. Just the
two of them. Um. I won’t mention the trainer or the camera crew or even
the dolphin. Except I just did. But back to the date – it looks like
fun, but I’ve been swimming with dolphins (in Cuba – Nicole I hope
you’re reading this) and it’s fun, but it’s not like that. I remember
sitting in a small boat that was being driven by a couple of drunk
Cubans who didn’t speak any English, in some rough waters for…quite
awhile…and then being ‘dropped off’ quite literally in the middle of
nowhere – no land in sight, the water is super cold and very dark and
there are some cement ‘silos’ in the water. Wrong on a lot of levels.
And then, we climbed down a rickety ladder into the silo and into the
water and we can see some dolphins, but mostly I can just feel them
brushing against my feet or nosing me in the kidneys. Interesting
experience.

So…Jenni. I like her – she’s an easy choice, as I’ve said before, and
they seem to have a good chemistry (I mean, really, any girl that could
use the phrase ‘do you have something special in your pocket or are you
happy to see me?’ successfully is going to go far). So they spend the
night together, and I start to think what I always think at this point
in the season…imagine he and the girl he picks watching these episodes
– it’s got to get a bit uncomfortable. I know what you’re thinking:
what were the girls thinking when they joined the show - they should
know better - yadda yadda yadda. But still, it's gotta be uncomfortable.

Up next is Bettina. I don't get Bettina, I really don't. And I know I'm
more guilty of this than any girl I know, but her hair is so bad. So
bad. Their date is neither here nor there (great expression), and I
don't like her much so I don't pay too much attention to the date. I do
like how the Bach calls her out on some things, but I don't she's
taking it too seriously. I still can't get the creepy dad out of my
mind, but now I imagine him doing some weird acrobatic backbend.
Shudder. Back to the date - Betts and the Bach remove themselves from
the formal situation...and...head up to the fantasy suite. Two for two.

The third date is with DeAnna. I'm really glad the whole DeeDee thing
fell by the wayside. I have to admit that I'm really developing strong
feelings for DeAnna - I think we really have a connection, and she's
really opening up. I liked this date and I think that Brad is into her
(just look at the way he looks at her) and it's no suprise that they
spend the night together. Three for three. I did love the hotel room
for these two - once in my life I'd love to stay in a room like that,
with that mini-pool outside. Nice.

So there's not a lot to work with in this epsidoe. The Rose Ceremony is
a bit predictable, although I did miss Chris and his announcement that
Ladies, Brad, this is the Final Rose. Betts gets the boot, in her
Project Runway reject dress and glass shoes. Her dad is going to have a
field day with this one. The other two girls are left behind to whisper
and try not to eavesdrop as Bettina and the Bach debrief in the
background.

Once again, I am hooked. Even without funny moments, and over-censored
Hills, I am loving it. Loving it so much that I'm actually going to
watch the reunion show next week. That's right - watch it from
start.to.finish. And love it. And I'll be on the edge of my seat when
the Bach makes the most difficult.decision.ever.