ANTM Cycle 11 Episode 12: Make Your Black Momma Proud

I know that some of you make think that the title of this post is inappropriate, especially now that the whole face of comedy has changed since Obama has been elected US President, but I'm not an African-American, or even an American for that matter, and besides, that's exactly what Tyra told the final two contestants before they went out on the final runway walk.  So I'm just quoting, y'all, don't be up in my face about it.  And besides, who cares about American politics when ANTM is winding down with the finale.  Um, well actually....sigh. That's probably a blog for another time.

Back to Sam and Analeigh and McKey and the magic that is Miss Banks.  Tonight is the finale.  So, in one sweet hour, we're going to go from 3 to 2 to 1.  That's a lot of necklace changing for Miss J.  Also, plenty of wardrobe changes for Miss Tyra, but she lives for that. Or at least her hair, makeup and wardrobe people do.

So, the show begins with a quick montage of how far the three girls have come in such a short time, and we catch a glimpse of some of the other models that were eliminated earlier.  I remember some of the photo shoots, but not McKey's real name (Britney?), and Jeremy Scott (the crazy designer who was offended by Sam when really his patchwork, sleeveless vest and mullet were the true offenders).

Break to commercial: Confessions of a Shopaholic preview (opening Valentine's Day!) and some terrible McDonald's commercial that I can't explain but you'll know the one I mean if you saw it (think R.Kelly singing about making love to McNuggets, not JT in tights and kitten heels and STILL out-dancing Beyonce, if you know what I'm saying) and a preview for the show Stylista, which I'm not minding.

First Tyra Mail (love the wooden shoes, by the way): Makkelyk, Fris, Mooi!  Love, Tyra

Now we all know that Tyra can't speak a word of Dutch but the girls quickly figure out that this translates to Easy, Breezy, Beautiful (Cover Girl, natch!) and the girls start to get concerned that they'll have to do a commercial in Dutch.  We all remember that Italian fiasco from last cycle.  I'm loving it.  They find a script from the commercial, with only one line in Dutch.  Yawn.

The girls meet up with the Silver Fox, who is wearing a dapper purple shirt, and they chit chat for a bit, until Miss Whitney shows up, and it hits me.  ANTM is similar to Miss America in some ways: The winner (i.e. Whitney) gets to tour around and make appearances here and there until the next year's/cycle's winner is crowned/announced.  I do like Whitney, though, and have a moment missing Cycle 10.

The three girls do okay in the commercial, although Analeigh tanks (did she say Wet Slacks instead of Wet Slicks?),  Sam sounds natural but is a bit slow, and McKey looks the best but can't speak.  I'll say at this point that Sam is my favourite - she's got the most interesting personality of all them and the only sense of humour in the bunch (Hello? Herpes comment? Nice). After the commercial, the girls do a Cover Girl shoot with Jim de Yonker, who has sort of a Dutch name but is American.

Tyra Mail:  yadda yadda yadda...tomorrow you'll meet with the judges...yawn.

The next day at the judging panel we learn that Tyra forgot to put pants on and the three remaining girls are nervous.  We get a preview of the commercial they filmed the day before (you know this is the one and only airing of this commercial - it's never going to see the light of day after this). Nigel looks good as usual. The individual evaluations follow, and we learn the difference between closed lips that are sexy and closed lips that aren't sexy (thanks, Tyra, but to me they looked exactly the same, save for the head tilt). After deliberation, the final two are announced: Sam and McKey.  No big surprise here.  And don't worry, Analeigh is totally going to hook up with the freshly ousted Marjorie and they are going to paint the town red.  Or take a bath together.  Whichever.

Next up, McKey and Sam do their Cover Girl Shoot in anticipation of a win.  Does McKey think her stuffed koala bear is going to be part of the shoot?  I'm confused as to why she brought it.  But both girls seem to take good pictures.  Next up, the runway.  Mr. J meets them at some cool auditorium with a frothy, hilly, pink runway (Willy Wonka/Dr. Seuss inspired).  Hair and makeup ensues (with an appearance by Whitney, who will be part of the show...yay!).  Soon, the crowd gathers, Tyra, Nigel and Paulina make their grand entrance, and Miss J steals the show (as usual) by walking down the runway with some boy-toy holding a big old pink balloon.

The actual runway with the girls modeling is uneventful - nary a trip, misstep, nor fall.  Everyone ran up the first pink hill, which looked a bit goofy, but it worked. I personally thought both girls looked a bit sour walking around the runway, but what do I know.  The music was good at least.  

At judging panel, everyone is dressed quite nicely, and we review the girls' pictures throughout the whole competition.  Discussion and deliberation ensues, and my favourite (Sam) does not win.  Stupid show.  

I wonder when the next cycle starts, so I can look forward to another crop of crazy broads and commercials of winner McKey riding a bike awkwardly around town.   Because.  That's her life. As a Cover Girl.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Ten: Some people like butter, others like Marjorie

I can't claim that title as my own, much as I'd like to.  It was, of course, Miss J (this time with pants on) who said that.

Back to the show: only 5 girls remain...who will be voted out tonight?  Wait a minute, that's the wrong show, isn't it? Let me try again: only 5 girls remain...who's dream of becoming America's Next Top Model will end?  That's closer, but still not right on.

Of course, the five who remain are McKey, Elina, Analeigh, Marj and Samantha.  Speaking of other reality shows, I sometimes wish at this point in the cycle that they would do a similar sequence that's done in Survivor - you know, the remaining model wannabes would pay their respects to voted-out models, reminiscing about them, hiking through a rainforest, paddling across a lagoon, and blowing up their torches/modelling portfolios or whatever.  And then I remember how boring this part of Survivor is, and how I usually fast-forward through it, as so it may not be too great on ANTM.  Perhaps the cast-off models could come back as jury members or something.  Just something different than the usual formula would be good, I think.

The first thing I notice about tonight's episode is that Marj is driving me...as the kids say...bonkers.  Maybe kids don't say that anymore, and more likely they never said that, but Marj has really gone off the deep end.  I've had it with the eye rolling, arm flailing, nail biting, pigeon-toed feet, hunched shoulders and nervous awkwardness.  Her pictures aren't even that great anymore, in my opinion. 

But I'm momentarily distracted from my annoyance with Marj by tonight's first Tyra Post (clever):

'You have to be more than good looking if you want that first booking...Love, Tyra'

Of course, we all know what that means...go-sees!!!  That's fake excitement, by the way: I don't really get too excited by the go-sees.  The girls have until 5 pm to do as many (or 5, whichever comes first) go-sees as they can, and they will be judged on their portfolio, runway walk, general appearance and personality.  The exciting twist is that they'll be travelling by boat to get around, with some Dutch boys as navigators.  Well...they'll be steering the boat, but the girls have the maps, and are responsible for figuring out where they're going. 

This spells disaster for Marjorie, of course, who's not only awkward and nervous, but has likely never seen a map before.  Soon she is wandering around town, asking perfect strangers for directions, and getting rejected.  The mean side of me starts to imagine how fun (and yes, cruel) it might be to steer her completely off course; the very mean side of me starts to imagine how funny it would be if one of the girls (I'm imagining Sam) wanders into the wrong place altogether, like a store that is the Dutch equivalent of American Appareal, and some bored salesperson just pretends to be a designer.  The salesperson could feign interest in Sam's portfolio, and then make her model some silver lame hotpants, a pink tube top with brown thigh-high knit stockings.  Now, that would be a great go-see.  But no dice, all the go-sees are to legitimate designers.  Sigh.  Back to reality.

All the girls get back on time except McKey (we later learn she was only about 5 minutes late).  Sidebar: has anyone else noticed that McKey has pulled a Madonna/Madge and has adopted a slight-British/sometimes-Dutch accent while talking to the camera?  If not, listen for it next week (oops, spoiled the ending).  It's subtle but it's there.  And it's hilarious.

Back to the winner of the go-sees: it should have been McKey, but since she was late, the prize goes to Analeigh.  She wins $18,000 dollars (or was that euros?) worth of merchandise from the five designers who participated in the go-sees.  Fun prize, and the other girls are quite jealous.

Up next, Tyra Post:

'You've never been exposed like this before, but you'll be amazed after...Love, Tyra'

All the girls (including me) are worried that it's a nude photo shoot.  That could get ugly.  Sam hopes that if it is a nude photo shoot, it's 'couture nude' not 'hi, I'm nude'.  Um.  Thanks, as always, for your two cents, Sam.  Truthfully, she's the only entertaining part of the show.  Next to Miss J of course.

Thankfully, it's not a nude photo shoot.  The shoot will involve Miss Tyra as photographer, with two shots for each girl: one without makeup, looking casual, and the other's a glamour shot, with the girls looking fierce.  Tyra is dressed in her usual photographer's outfit - jeans and plaid shirt.  She's a working girl, y'all , not a model!

The five girls do alright, this shoot for me was one of the most uneventful ones, although it seemed clear to me that Sam and McKey are the best.  For the first time ever (true story!) I correctly predicted the eliminated model: Elina.  I don't think Elina's modelling career is over, though, she's only 18 afterall.

Next week: the girls get intimate at a photo shoot...with some male models!  I'm predicting a crying McKey on the phone with her boyfriend, apologizing for kissing a male model, and an uber-awkard Marj, practice kissing with Analeigh before (and probably after) the shoot.  Oh, the drama!

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Eight: I don't have time to think 'bout immigration!

I'm too busy puking in the garbage, y'all. But more on Joslyn later.

These shows are just like Law & Order (which I love, by the way). Not in any of the content and such, but just in how the structure is always the same.  You know, crime/police/investigation in the first half hour, lawyers/court/Jack going nuts at the trial in the second half.  It's brilliant.

ANTM is similar because it's always structured the same: the girls debrief and whine at the start of the show, we're interrupted by Tyra Mail.  Next, the first challenge is weak and sad, the girls have a cat-fight, then we have the judging challenge.  Following this, probably a dip in the hot tub, some alcohol, Tyra Mail, judging panel, Nigel, deliberation, elimination.  I guess there's no other way to really do the show successfully, but it does get somewhat predictable.  As well, at some point in the episode, we have a Whitney commercial and towards the end (before the judges deliberate), a commercial talking about some past model who's made it big in the modeling world.  Really, this blog could write itself.

So, let me break it down for you.

Part One: The girls debrief and whine

This time we are treated to Elina and Marj forming a connection, if you will, through their intensely European roots.  Talk about trying to stir up drama.  I was hoping for a cat fight between Sheena and Elina, but no.  Just a bunch of teenagers and early twenty-something ANTM contenders complaining about how hard life can be when you're driving around LA in a limo-bus, shacked up in a gorgeous house with no responsibilities, and competing for some exciting prize that I always fast forward through when Tyra explains it.  Boo hoo, ladies.  Get over it.  Poor Sam, she chides Elina about how she's had, like, 11 years or whatever, to get used to American life.  Who would have thought that a statement like that would finally get Elina to 'lose control' and cry and look real, but it did.  Too bad a photographer wasn't around to capture the moment.  Tyra would have frothed at the mouth for that picture.

Part Two: Tyra Mail!

In a picture reminiscent of Analeigh's interviewer-on-the-red-carpet shoot, Tyra greets the girls with the first Tyra Mail, something about working it (and yes, my PVR crapped out on me at this point, so excuse me Elina, but if anyone has anything to cry about, it's probably me).

Part Three: First challenge

This challenge involves two of the scariest looking people in the world, and Ann Shoket from Seventeen magazine.  The girls had to model dresses and accessories but the rest of their bodies were covered in green body suits, so that in the video, the girls appear somewhat invisible.  Cool concept.  The girls for the most part look awkward, especially Marjorie, who is wearing a tight tube dress.  Unfortunately, the top part of the tube slides down to her waist, revealing an invisible top, thankfully.  She's so awkward.  As I said, most of the girls are awkward, but Elina wins.  The reward?  A shoot with Seventeen magazine, where Elina chooses Marjorie and Analeigh to join her, and the trio look chipper and carefree and not really seventeen at all, but they seem pleased.

Part Four: More cat-fighting

This part could really be an extension of the first part, and who knows, with the editing that's done on this show, it's hard to know what order things happen in.  But in this part, Sheena and Elina have a shouting match, and it's classic teenage angst and over-importance, so it's entertaining.

Part Five: Judging challenge - The Cover Girl commercial!

Hooray, always my favourite, the Cover Girl shoot.  I love the girls walking and talking at the same time.  So much fun.  On the set, Joslyn is puking.  Literally.  She really provides the only real drama.  That, and Whitney makes a guest appearance to give the girls tips.  Yawn.  Let's get to the commercials: Analeigh and Sheena actually do quite well; McKey and Marjorie are the weakest.  Anyone surprised?  I didn't think so.

Part Six: Tyra Mail

The usual - only six will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model.

Part Seven: Judging Panel

The girls are greeted with Tyra challenging them to walk up and down the plank with Dutch wooden shoes on.  I've got to admit that I didn't see it coming (honestly), but the reason they had to wear the shoes is that the remaining six are going to Amsterdam!  Hooray - a road trip!  Miss J dons the blond wig and Dutch girl cap and looks good.  He also does a good imitation of Marjorie as a chicken; so multi-talented, that Miss J.

Part Eight: Deliberation and Elimination

The judges have the usual conversations about Elina being too controlled,  Marjorie being awkward but taking amazing pictures, Sheena being a slinky fox, McKey having a pretty face but not being able to talk or show emotion, and how hard it is to find a model who can take great pictures AND look great when they're moving.  In the end, we're left with:  Analeigh, Sheena, Samantha, Marjorie, McKey, and Elina.  Poor Joslyn is going home, but not without stopping first to puke in the model's house.

Next week: Amsterdam, y'all!

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Six: If NYC is the city that never sleeps, why should my lip colour?

At the start of the show, it's morning (probably around 11 am) and the girls are lamenting about how strict all their parents are, while McKey Mouse makes brekkie in the background. Sidebar: did she actually put the mixing bowl right on the stove's element to cook the pancake? Apparently, someone's parents weren't strict enough. We learn that Elina moved to the US from the Ukraine when she was a child and I'm left to wonder why we're only hearing about this now, while Marj has been frothing at the mouth about her assimilation challenges since day one.

Soon, the girls leave in the Eco-Friendly is Fierce Bus and are taken to yet another undisclosed location, where they enter a room and are greeted by a real envelope marked as Tyra Mail. A few moments later, Ms. Banks bursts through the brick wall, wearing her postman get-up and reads the real Tyra Mail aloud. First of all, she reads it from a script, and second, the only reason Ty-Ty is reading in person is that the mail is waaaay too long to fit on one powerpoint slide.

Tyra (in her best reading-to-children voice):

Neither rain nor sleet nor my achy achy feet will keep you from your Tyra Mail this week. It's time you learned your signature style, so you'll be a fierce top model, chile. I'll show you my tricks, but let's be frank, you'll be thankin' Miss Tyra when you're making big bank. Love, Tyra.

Now, I'm not a poet, but when you have to make up words or use slang (ex: chile instead of child) just to get a rhyme....probably you should stick to your day job.

The girls change quickly into black dresses and heels and meet Tyra in another room, where they see that Ty-Ty is posing, and quite fiercelly. She's jumping around town, posing like no one's ever posed before. So much so, that she's out of breath when she starts explaining to the girls that she's going to help them find their 'Signature Pose', which are:

Analeigh - rebel ice skater. Riiiight.
McKey - boxer with a neck.
Samantha - hands. Is that even a pose?
Lauren Brie - couldn't think of a pose, so she became 'Surfer Chick' and then skulked off and cried afterwards because she's trying really really hard to show everyone that she has a personality and a lot of friends back home who really really love her but this modeling thing is sooo hard.
Sheena - 'hoochie, but not hoochie' was her suggestion, but Tyra decided that her signature pose will be 'cultural dance' instead, because that's really an improvement
Joslyn - not too sure if J-Dawg said her signature pose was that she wanted to look 'wide' or 'white' (either way, it's awkward) but Tyra changed it to 'Profile'
Elina - top model of the world. I kid you not.
Marj (cue the accordion) - Hunchback of Notre Dame. Wow, she took some scary pictures, but actually won the challenge, which was some expensive jewelry from a shop I've never heard of.

Let's take a commercial break for a moment:

Nigel Barker is guest starring on Privileged on October 22 - set your PVR.

Whitney continues her saga as a Top Model in NYC and moans about her long days as a model. Up at 6, home by 10, napping by noon. Or something like that. Thankfully, she has her Cover Girl lip colour that never sleeps. Phew.

All the previews for Stylista are starting to get to me. The obvious comparisons to Miranda Priestly, what with the flopping of the coat on the assistant's desk and the complaints about how particular she is about how she takes her coffee. Right down to the mean-looking niece who might as well have asked for the unprinted copy of the latest Harry Potter manuscript. Obviously I'll be watching the show, but come on.

And we're back to the show and back to:

Tyra Mail! 'You'd better bring it or you're never going to work in this town again. Love, Tyra'.

Of course, the actual challenge really had nothing much to do with the Tyra Mail. Really, the mail could have said: 'The bus will be here at 6 pm. Be on it. Tyra'.

The challenge:
A recreation of the Fiercee Awards.
Our guest photographer:
Someone, NOT Nigel
The situation:
Each girl was given an awards show situation to recreate for the camera
My thoughts:
Interesting premise, but where's Nigel?

Here's the lineup:

Marj 'I have to pee but can't get my gown off'. She's not my favourite by a long shot, but she does take good pictures.

Samantha 'I'm trying to read the teleprompter but am blinded by the bright lights'. Has anyone else noticed that Sam has gone off the deep end this episode? Granted, she's the youngest, but all the weird accents, crazy antics while getting hair and makeup done, general excitability, and struggling with a Rubik's cube...odd.

Elina 'I'm an overemotional actress'. Yeah, like they didn't purposefully assign this to Elina, to get her to try to lose control and show some emotion. She admits that she doesn't like crying in front of people, but the Silver Fox breaks her down and she does shed one tear. Thankfully, the photographer caught it.

Lauren 'I just tripped on the stairs leading up to the stage'. I thought her picture was not that bad, although no one else seemed to like it.

McKey 'I got nominated but didn't win'. The best part was when we saw McKey walking onto the set, coming up the aisle. She might as well have had on gloves and a metallic hooded cape, spit on the ground, put in a mouthguard, and given a nod to the Silver Fox to get this party started.

Sheena 'Someone stepped on my dress'. I still like Sheena, but she may be slipping.

Joslyn 'I have the same dress as someone else'. This happened to me recently at a wedding I attended (not my own, thankfully). I didn't give the other girl such a fierce look.

Analeigh 'I'm interviewing a star but could care less'. I'm not a huge fan of Analeigh but really liked her picture.

Up next, the judging panel. I guess Tyra wants to be like McKey, because she wore some ridiculous black hooded outfit and some black gloves. I thought she was trying to be like a boxer, but no. No, no, no. Thankfully, Miss Banks corrected me by letting me know that she was trying to be theatrical like the girls, and was therefore actually portraying Little Black Riding Hood. Good grief.

The judging panel itself was pretty uneventful. I need more life from Miss J and thought that all the girls actually looked pretty good (in their pictures), but in the end Marjorie came up as winner (eyes popping, shoulders slouching, back hunching, and arms flailing) and Lauren Brie came in last. Strange cycle, no? I'll leave with an image of Miss J, doing one of his many signature poses:

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Five: Negativity is a mild form of realism, quoth Marjorie

Alternative title:

'Wow, these birds take themselves a tad too seriously' quoth me.

Before tonight's episode began, I was thinking that I would blog about the top 10 moments of the episode.  And then I watched it.  And I couldn't come up with 2 memorable moments, let along 10.  So, here are 10 thoughts and/or moments, some memorable, some not:

1. Are the cycles getting shorter?

Probably not, but it just feels as though they are. This feels true of many other reality shows that I enjoy watching.  Example: The Bachelor.  The season used to last forever (or so I thought), now it feels like I could zip through the season in a long weekend.  Anyhow, I checked, and no, we're right on track for the number of episodes in a cycle.  I know what you're thinking: phew.

2. What up, Samantha?

Granted, she takes good pictures, for the most part.  But she's part Anna Faris' character in the Legally Blonde rip-off and part Ashlee Simpson, so I'm not the biggest fan.  I predict she'll make it to the top five, and then be out, giving us this look:

3. I need more drama, y'all!

I miss Jade's talking in third person, Heather/Lauren's awkwardness, Anya's horrible 'Hawaiian accent' and CariDee telling Nigel he had a pole up his... ahem.  Also, Natasha the crazy Russian mail-order bride, Good Ole Amis, Joanie, Chachi, and so on and so forth.  There just doesn't seem to be the drama and memorable characters that I love about this show.  I know that they're trying to make a big deal out of Marjorie - more on her later - but I just don't buy it.  I thought Elina might be an interesting bird, maybe Joslyn, but no dice.  Yawn.

4. Whitney and her Life as a Top Model.

Oh lord.  Last week it was Whitney pedaling through the streets of NYC in slow motion, pretending she was in Paris, waving at people in the street, with a baguette in her basket, and flowing skirt miraculously not getting caught in the pedals of her bike.  This week, our girl-next-door Whit was baking cupcakes for two of her pals in her Soho loft.  She explained to us that make-up is just like baking: you need to find the right balance of make-up just like you need to have the right balance of sugar when you bake.  Um.  I'll admit that I don't exactly fast forward through these 'My Life as a Model' segments, but I don't actually buy them either.  And I'm sure, somewhere, there'll be some criticism about a plus sized girl baking sugary cupcakes.  But I don't care, because I'm now distracted by the thought of cupcakes. Chocolate, vanilla icing, AND sprinkles!?!  Bring it on, Whitney, I'll pretend to froth at the mouth when you show me your modeling portfolio if you fork a few cakes my way.

5.  Having said that about Whitney,

I do like the Top Models in Action segments, partly because Nigel Barker reads it, and partly because I like seeing where former model contestants are.

6. Marjorie

Remember that Simpson's episode where Marg met that suave French dude and they went bowling together and Homer was worried she was having an affair?  Yeah, well google it if you don't.  Each time I hear Marjorie's name, I think of that dude, and how he pronounced Marg's name.  Marjorie has of course been cast as the Annoying One, what with all the arm flailing, lack of eye contact, eye rolling, exasperated sighing, self-doubt, un-ending negativity, and the hunched over slouchiness.  She claims that being negative is the European way and doesn't understand where all the girls get their confidence.  Paulina's life lesson about self-confidence: FAKE IT.  Wonderful lesson for the all the girls out there (NOT).

7. Self-Styling Challenge (i.e. Learning to Dress Yourself)

The first of the two challenges tonight was hosted by model-turned-cougar Paulina, and is of course situated in an abandoned warehouse (where else, really).  It involves the girls putting on pink hard hats and tool belts.  The challenge is to take the ugly clothes that have been assigned to them, and fix them so they might be ready-to-wear for a catalog shoot.  My first thought is of course that I hope not to see anything I actually own in the ugly pile.  I don't and am relieved.  My next thought is that no one does very well but Mickey or McKey or whatever (can't we go back to using her real name yet?) won 50 extra frames in the photo shoot.  She seems pleased.

8. Miss J needs to ramp up the obnoxiousness to save the show

That's all.  I don't mind the necklace countdown thing he's got going on, but I do miss the cycle where he let his afro grow out of control.  Let's have a moment for the afro:

9. Destructive Giants Challenge

For the photo shoot, the girls all had to pretend they were natural disasters (did I forget to mention ANTM is scraping the bottom of the barrel for photo shoot ideas?) and pose in a miniature-scaled set, so they looked gigantic.  Elina was a passionate earthquake, Sheena a dirty sandstorm (I'm getting a feeling she'll win the whole cycle), Clark was a blackout, Lauren Brie Cheese a snowstorm, Joslyn a rockslide, Analeigh the Santa Ana winds, McKey a heat wave, Samantha tidal wave, and Marj was a traffic jam. Oh, and Tyra of course was something, but I'm not sure what, actually.  A shattered mirror or something?  Someone, help me out. Samantha does the best (and comes in first place).

10.  Clark is out, but not to worry, she's got a gig lined up with Jim Henson

I know, I know.  Jim Henson is no longer with us, sadly.  But Clark somehow reminds me of a character from the Dark Crystal, and I'll miss that about her.  Of course, until the Broadway adaptation of the Dark Crystal, with Clark in a starring role.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Four: The one where two are kicked out of the Pity Party

The show opens with the usual: the girls are lounging back at the house, talking about themselves, talking about each other...yawn. Hannah tells Analeigh and Marj they should stop attending too many of their own Pity Parties. 'Just pick up your beans and keep on rolling'. A & M are perplexed and angry that Hannah doesn't want to wallow with them. We almost have a cat fight on our hands, but thankfully we are rescued by...wait for it...Tyra Mail!

Tomorrow your model dreams could end up in the gutter! Love, Tyra (as read by Clark)

Exciting! Are the girls going bowling? Slumming? What could it be? We find out soon enough that the girls are going bowling. Or at least to a bowling alley. Thankfully, Miss J provides some comic relief by spraying off the multicoloured bowling pumps and providing Isis with her 'male size 7' shoes. The girls are at the bowling alley not to bowl - nay - but to learn to walk. Fun! As a side note, I can't believe there was a bowling alley in town that would let a bunch of wannabe models walk, in high heels no less, down the alley. I'm talking past that white line where you are quite strictly not allowed to pass by. That is, if you're just there for the bowling. There are no surprises with the walking (were you expecting some?): Hannah is awkward, McKey can't walk and think at the same time, Samantha is a bit clunky, Elina is too stiff, and that dude in the green shirt in the aisle next to them probably has the best runway walk of them all. Maybe even better than Miss J. No. I've taken it too far. No one trumps Miss J. No one.

Back at the house, the girls practice their walks in their heels and formal shorts until...wait for it...Tyra Mail!

You think you have this competition in the bank? You may be walking right out of it....Love, Tyra (as read by Mickey - and no, that's not a typo). I don't know what to say about Tyra Mail anymore. Why don't they just play a video with Tyra, giving some fierce attitude, and reading the mail? Or a singing telegram delivered by the Silver Fox? Or Nigel dressed as a mail man, delivering the mail? I guess that's not in his contract. But I digress...

Up next is a runway challenge for the girls, where they will be walking a runway at an old bank, showcasing designs by Jeremy Scott. He's one of Miss J's pals and he's a bit snarly looking. Plus his hat isn't doing it for me. The twist: the girls will be blindfolded. The second twist: someone is getting eliminated. Tonight. COOL.

The girls do okay, although Samantha looked hilarious, Marj looked stiff, and Hannah looked...well, poor Hannah. She gets the boot. No surprise. Joslyn was the winner - her and Sheena and Isis get an editorial photo shoot with a 15-year-old Russian designer. I didn't catch her name. The shoot looked good and I've decided that Joslyn is now my pick to win it all. Oh yeah, I put it out there.

Tyra Mail:

This competition is deep! Some will rise above and some will go under. Love, Tyra (as read by Lauren)

The next morning, we see the girls first thing in the morning, sans makeup. Ouch. Marjorie? Whoa. The girls go into the backyard, where they learn they are doing a photo shoot in the pool. Our photographer? Noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker.

The girls do well for the most part. Isis was nervous. Clark was flirting with Nigel. Analeigh does well. Sheena looks great. Elina has model's block and isn't sure how to pose. Joslyn just about drowns. It's pretty standard, but I still can't wait to see their best pics at the judging panel. We don't have to wait long, because in the next scene...Tyra Mail!

Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 9 will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model. Love, Tyra (as read by Clark. Again.)

At the judging panel, Jeremy Scott looks like the angriest man in the world - I couldn't take my eyes off of him and his bad hair, ugly vest, and snarling face. What up, Jeremy? He scared me a little, I'll be honest. He's a bit harsh, but I guess modeling is a tough business, y'all. A business, don't forget.

Sheena, Lauren Brie (she looks so different in her pictures than she does in real life), and Clark have the best pictures, I think, and after the judges deliberate we learn that Poor Isis is heading home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random thoughts from tonight's episode:

Hannah's sweet, but not too bright. Example: "I didn't even know they made stuff like that" (referring to high-heel bowling shoes).

Isis has too many hoop earrings. Maybe not too many, but too hoop-y.

I love how all the girls cheer and froth at the mouth when the designer/photographer/guest judge is announced. Do they really recognize the names?

I don't think Sheena is the only one with...um...implants. Samantha, anyone? Watch for it.

While I'm on the topic of Samantha, I think she'll go far, but her face always looks like she's one second away from crying...or whining.

Nigel in a wet suit. Nice.

Whitney's commercials. Where to begin? Sigh. The riding of the bike around NYC in a flowing skirt is a little too cliched for me. Why not throw in a basket with a dog, and a shopping bag strapped to the back, riding through a puddle and giggling at the splash while we're at. But back to what I wanted to say: I've seen her Seventeen magazine cover. I almost bought the issue, just for posterity or whatever, but I admit that I was actually too embarrassed to take it to the counter and pay for it. I'm way too old to read that mag. I'm undoubtedly way too old to watch this show - or maybe not - I suspect the people who watch it are way older than seventeen. But let me share with you a little tidbit about the magazine cover the girls get to win: the Whitney cover was a fake cover. Well, it actually was the back cover of the real Seventeen magazine, just mocked up to look like the real cover. True story.

Finally, during the next episode, watch Tyra's face at the judging panel when she's standing there and she's watching the girls walk in at the start. She looks absolutely disgusted, like she's about to spit on the ground and walk away. I love it. What I don't love is her little kick/curtsey she does after she's finished with her little spiel about the prizes. That's got to stop. Please. Maybe I should send her a Perogy Mail to that effect.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Three: Did Isis tuck?

Only 12 girls remain...who will be eliminated tonight?

The show begins with the usual filler: the girls on the bus go round and round, lamenting about how the judges are critical, how it feels like more of a competition now that 'someone' is gone, and how they all want to be high-fashion models. Fierce.

The girls come home to see Tyra in their living room, and two things are odd (well, more than two, but two that I'll comment on): Tyra looks ridiculous in a tiara and what is Isis wearing? The girls gather around and eat ANTM S.H.E.F. Pizza (that's Smokin' Hot And Extra Fierce) and Tyra talks about how she's made over her career as a supermodel. Made over. Madeover=makeovers. Get it, y'all? We're in for the best episode of the cycle!! MAKEOVERS!! Lots of screaming ensues, most of it from my own mouth. Miss J makes a guest appearance as the wicked witch from Sleeping Beauty, offering Tyra a poisoned apple, and although I'm not sure of the connection between makeovers and Sleeping Beauty, I still love Miss J. Then Prince Couture enters the scene (aka the Silver Fox aka Jay Manuel), gives Tyra a kiss, and carries Tyra off.

Now, I know they're scraping the bottom of the barrel with show ideas here, but what is up with the Sleeping Beauty theme? Every episode like a bad Halloween party. No wonder we only see Nigel at the judging table at the end of the episode and not throughout. I'm sure there's a clause in his contract about not having to wear a costume. Although, Nigel as the Prince would not be the worst thing in the world to see. I'm just sayin'.

Next day: MAKEOVERS.

The makeovers are a secret to everyone: the J's, Tyra, even the girls. Exciting. The mirrors are covered in black cloth. Is this the connection to Sleeping Beauty? Weak. However, I do love makeovers. Love them.

What follows is the usual montage of girls screaming, girls crying, hair being cut, hair being coloured, Tyra making an appearance as some golden witch in the corner of the screen, and so on.

The verdict:

Marj as a brunette is an improvement. Enough with the accordion playing when Marj is on the screen, though, enough!

Joslyn with extensions and wave (same colour, though) is also an improvement. I'm already annoyed by Tyra's breathy high-pitched 'witch' voice.

Samantha gets a blond Posh Spice haircut. Not sure if I like it yet or not, but she did take a good picture.

Hannah. Oh Hannah. You can take the girl out of Alaska, but you can't take the Alaska out of the girl. Bob with bangs for Hannah, no surprise there.

Clark looks better as a brunette, but no worries, she's still got the flare in her nostrils.

Lauren gets the least madeover, in my opinion. Choppy cut, platinum colour. Yawn. Next!

Sheena also barely gets a makeover, just some honey highlights. Tyra really needs to stop talking, at this point. The voiceovers are killing me.

Analeigh gets a slightly blonder look, the kind of blond I'd like to be. You know, if I make it on the 12th cycle of ANTM and all.

Elina takes herself way too seriously and gets a weave with red, long, curly hair. Um. She's unhappy, but I kind of like it.

McKey now has black short hair. Looks good.

Isis gets a long weave but it's the same colour. A bit boring.

Brittany suffers from 'catalogue syndrome' so gets long hair. At this point, I decide that I might have to get a weave and start googling to see how much it would cost me.

Back at the house, Tyra Mail:

Sometimes even Top Models have to work the late shift. Love, Tyra (as read by McKey I think, although it might have been Isis).

The girls take off in the bus, in the dark, and head to the nearest Wal-Mart Supercenter. Good lord, what are we in for now? Wear this blue vest (or one of the ever elusive red Wal-Mart vests) and make it look fierce? Pose with the yellow happy face and work the camera? Acutally, it's our 'reaching out to the average girl who buys cover girl at walmart' shoot. We get to meet Nigel's wife (and see a picture of their baby). The challenge: slap on some cover girl and record a 30-second spot, sans script. Fun.

All the girls do fairly well, except Analeigh, Brittany, Elina, and Marj. Example: Marj says Walgreens. Analeigh says Yo. Elina says nothing. The winner: Hannah Banana. Hannah's so excited, she's going to google herself.

Back at the house, Tyra Mail:

Which one of you is suited to be America's Next Top Model? Love, Tyra (as read by Samantha).

The next day, the girls take off in the bus and go to Nigel's beachfront house (okay, maybe not Nigel's but a girl can dream, no?) and learn that the challenge is a swimsuit challenge. Everyone gets hair and makeup and puts on a bikini and takes her turn with the photographer. All the girls seem to do alright, although Analeigh is struggling. Analeigh is getting a lot of airtime tonight, so much so that it's making me wonder if she's going to make it. She'll be in the bottom two for sure. Should I talk about Isis? Yes. I guess I should. She wore boy shorts for her swimsuit. And did pose with her legs...ahem...open. There, I said it. How could I not?

Up next: the judging panel with the usual compliments and criticism. My favourite pictures are Elina's, Samantha's and...dare I say it...McKey's. The judges deliberate and we end up with:

Elina
Lauren Brie Cheese
Samantha
McKey
Sheena
Joslyn
Marj
Clark
Isis
Hannah
Analeigh

Brittany heads home.

Next week: Miss J hits the bowling alley with the girls.

Hopefully we'll get a bit more drama next week. So far, it's been a little dry.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Two: Alaskan girls do it with discrimination, y'all!

Kidding, of course. Poor Hannah. I couldn't decide between taking a shot at Poor Hannah in my title or celebrating the brilliance of Miss J and his lovely moniker for Sheena, Victoria Secretions. Sigh. Gotta love Miss J.

After last week's debacle of robots-meets-magic (I especially liked how one model-to-be (Marj, I think) said she liked the future theme because it reminded her of 2001: A Space Odyssey) I was a bit concerned that the whole 'future' theme might carry over into tonight's episode. But thankfully, 2001 is over, y'all, although Paulina may have missed that memo, given her ensemble at the judging table. But more on that later.

With the dismissal of Sharaun last week, we are down to 13 and our new opening montage and slightly tweaked theme song begins. We begin with a montage of Tyra, boobs shaking all over the place, giving stern directions to random and faceless photographers, and in general, kicking butt and taking names - if that don't say Fierce with a capital F, y'all, well then I don't what does.

Back in the house, we are entertained by the usual yapping, lounging, eating, and drinking from the girls. It's like a full-on slumber party, but then wait: TYRA MAIL! What have they dreamed up this season? Oh. Looks like they hired someone with powerpoint experience - we get a pic of Tyra and a powerpoint slide with lucida handwriting font (oh yeah, like I'm the only one who's heard of that) that spells out the mail. The twist this cycle? Only one girls gets to read it at a time - no reading in unison like before (boo-hoo).

So, where was I? Right, Tyra Mail:

Don't get it twisted, will you bend over backwards on the top? Love, Tyra (as read by Isis).

Quite the stumper, so the girls go to bed with visions of sugarplums and such dancing through their heads and the next day, are driven to an abandoned warehouse type place (sidebar: all the photoshoots are done at abandoned buildings, no?) where they meet up with our old friend who would no doubt be out of work without this show, Benny Ninja. Benny and the girls play around with posing, contortionism and red sheer fabrics, which in other words, means they needed to fill the hour with something, y'all, and Benny just happened to be available (quelle surprise).

Tyra Mail: Did you learn your lesson? If so, you've got this one in the bag. Love, Tyra. (as read by Joslyn)

Back at the house, the girls swim in the pool and hit the hot tub. The slumber party atmosphere continues with the girls playing truth or dare (although Sheena insists 'no nudity'), Clark kisses Elina, and then Hannah pushes Isis away from her quite abruptly. Oh oh. Trouble at the henhouse. Hannah is uncomfortable with all the action because she says, and I quote, 'small town girls aren't sexual'. Um. Hannah momentarily confesses she is just a 'stereotypical white person' and that gets quite a few of the girls excited. Throughout the evening and the next day, the girls diss (nice - I've always wanted to use that word) Hannah, accusing her of being racist, prejudice and that she is discriminating against them. Feels like a high school english class with some pretty big themes being discussed.

Commercial Break: I fast forwarded through most of the commercials, mostly because of last week's Whitney love-in and our old friend Bianca doing bra ads for Macy's (tell me I was not the only one who saw that), but still happened to catch a commercial with Whit and her family doing an NYC bus tour, and an ad for a movie starring Shirley MacLaine as, you guessed it, or not, Coco Chanel (WTF?).

Back at it: Finally, a challenge: the girls will have to use their posing prowess to pose for jewelry maven Tarina Tarantino with the top prize being a handbag full of jewelry. All the girls looked a bit ridiculous during the challenge, Sheena really hooched it up, Elina played it fairly safe, in my opinion, and won the prize.

Tyra Mail: You want to be on top? Then you better start climbing that ladder! Love, Tyra. (as read by Brittany)

Not sure how correct the grammar is in that last one, but aside from that I wish these broads would read the TM with a little more expression, the way Tyra meant it be read, with fingers snapping and head bobbing:

'Oh no you didn't just disrespect me! You wanna be on top, beeyotch? Then you'd better start climbing that ladder, y'all, and I mean now. Do it fiercely! Luv, Tyra' (as read by yours truly).

Sigh.

The girls continue to discuss discrimination and someone decides to write a 10-page double-spaced essay on the topic, in the hopes that it will impress the judges and they will be allowed to continue on in their journey towards becoming....

But then it's morning and the girls are driven off to another location, which I imagine to be the backyard of the rental home for Nigel Barker, where they are greeted by the Silver Fox and a hot air balloon. The girls learn that their challenge will involve posing from a ladder suspended from the balloon, which in reality, will be a crane five feet off the ground. Yikes, scarey!

Lauren is up first and does excellent; she'll easily win. Everyone takes their turn and it's fairly uneventful. Elina looks good, Sheena does hooch, Nikeysha is flashing the camera inadvertantly, Joslyn looks good, Clark = yawn, yadda yadda yadda....and, we're done. Thankfully, the girls leave their wild eye makeup on until they're back home.

Tyra Mail: Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 12 will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model. Love, Tyra. (as read by Elina)

At the judging panel, first of all, Nigel is in the house. Nice. Second, what is Tyra wearing? Third, seriously, what is Paulina wearing? The girls go through the usual evaluations, Nikeysha gets blasted for being too thin. Lauren looks like a broken doll (translation: she could model for Dior), and Isis looks too plain (they stop just short of saying she looks masculine. I'm just sayin'). Tyra makes sure she gives herself a pat on the back by talking about how she was shooting with the one of world's primo photographers, why, just the other day. We have to hear the same old 'french' accordion music (now who's discriminating, n'est-ce pas?) when Marj comes up to bat. Finally we get to the elimination.

Lauren wins (no surprise), followed by Elina, Joslyn, Marj, Mickey or Mckey or M'ckey, Samantha, Sheena (fake breasts and all!), Hannah, Clark, Brittany, Analeigh, and ...Isis. Nikeysha is sent home, but no worries, she's going to be an anesthesiologist. I'm a bit surprised she could pronounce that (meow), but she did. My one and only complaint so far this cycle is that during eliminations, the camera has Nigel in the background. Not that I mind Nigel, au contraire, but I did enjoy watching the boredom on Miss J's face in previous cycles as the girls were being chosen. But I can't have it all, now can I?

Next week: Makeovers!!!!

I Heart Brad Womack Part Two

So...I'm watching the 'Where Are They Now' episode and just finished gagging my way through the double date of Ryan/Trista and Jesse/Deanna, when, after the commercial break, the best scene ever:

Imagine, the back of a dude's head, sitting in a living room and watching the engagement scene between Jesse and Deanna on a tv opposite the couch he's sitting on. The camera turns around and we see...wait for it... our old friend B-Dub eating what I believe would be called a hoagie, with a fairly blank look on his face while he watches Deanna get hitched.

The best part?

Before she even accepts the proposal, we see B-Dub look around on the couch, grab the remote, and turn the channel to espn or whatever. Maybe his buddy Graham is back playing basketball. I don't really care, because it's gold.

Sweet B-Dub.

And that's why I love this show, for moments like that. Gold.

Bachelorette Second Chance Final Episode: Forget the shot of ouzo, I think I might need the whole bottle

For the amount of times DeAnna (and others) said Brad Womack's name, of course.  If everytime I heard B-Dub's name I did a shot of ouzo, I'd easily go through a bottle or two of ouzo.  Each episode. I mean really, DeAnna's parting words were 'I thank Brad Womack every day for [rejecting] me so I could meet the real man of my dreams'.  Oh yeah, that's gotta make a guy feel pretty special.  The only reason I'm with you is because of my ex-boyfriend.  Hot.

But already I'm ahead of myself.

At the start of the episode, we begin with a quick montage of both of our final cats: Jason  'Sleepless in Seattle' Superdad and Jesse 'Nug' Superstah.  Jason is lounging around sans shirt and looking pretty good. He's reflecting on his 'journey' through this 'process'.  His feelings are strong; so strong, in fact, that he's in love.  He's not holding back anymore.  Next we see Jesse with his shirt off, probably standing on the next balcony over from Jason.  He talks like a guy who thinks his girl is out of his league, which, for most girls would be a big fat red light, but not for our pal DeAnna.  Jesse is happy because he wanted to build a friendship first, and then have a physical relationship.  Nice.  He also got a haircut and thinks his first kiss was DeAnna was 'ridiculous'.

Ok, before we go any further, I'm putting it out there: Jason is my favourite.  I know, shocking.  But seriously.

Meet the 'Rents
After the commercial, we hear from DeAnna about how excited she is to introduce the dudes to her family, but don't worry, she's been there before.  Um.  Not to make any assumptions, but most people I know over a certain age have introduced a guy to their family that they didn't up marrying.  Granted, most of us don't do it with cameras around, but still.  DeAnna, we have ALL been there before.  Get.Over.It.

We meet DeAnna's family and they are determined to be hard on the guys because Brad treated DeAnna so poorly.  Oh yes. This is a good sign.  Not.

First to meet the Fokkers is Jason.  He's brought gifts and he's ready to be grilled.  Dad tries to ask the tough questions, but they're pretty standard.  Sister Chrissy decides to take Jason for a walk, and they end up one room over in the living room, and even Chrissy brings up Brad (another shot of sweet ouzo).  Jason and Dad head outside while DeAnna talks to her brother.  Outside, Jason pleads his case. He's very mature and his intentions are sincere.  He asks for Dad's blessing to ask DeAnna to marry him.  Dad cannot hide how pleased he is by this.  He tells Jason he has his blessing and they seal the deal with a handshake - nay - a hug. 

Jason and DeAnna say their goodbyes.  Although I notice that DeAnna breaks the embrace first, her family seems to like Jason a lot.  But don't worry, y'all, they're fixin' to meet the other guy.

Jesse is very nervous and has sweaty palms, but he thinks it's totally 'rad' to meet his potential future in-laws.  Do kids still use the word 'rad'?  Weak.  Jesse is introduced to the family and the dad makes a comment about the long hair.  Jesse's retort:  "I have long hair normally...(awkward pause)...I snowboard a lot."  Like one is an explanation for the other.  Thanks for coming out, J-Dawg.  The conversation gets more awkward:

Dad: I'm not a snowboarder.  Tell me about it.
Jesse:  Yadda yadda yadda (I may have fast-forwarded through this part. I'd apologize but really, who wants to watch this?)
Dad: When you're as old as I am and can't snowboard....How long you gonna be competitive?
Jesse: No answer
Dad: Ever been in a serious relationship before?
Jesse:  Yes, I lived with a girl for two years.  I ditched her because she switched all the labels in my kitchen cupboards.  That chick was messed up, dawg!
Dad:  After the butterflies disappear...are you really ready for a commitment?
Jesse: This is all new to me.  I've never done anything like this in my life.
Dad:  If you take my daughter away and never let her visit, I'll hunt you down with my 6'5" nephew.  You may know him as Brad Womack (another shot of ouzo).

Jesse didn't seem to make a good first impression; and he didn't ask for Dad's blessing.  So not the most ringing endorsement.

After the commercial, we learn that we are meeting more of the Pappas family.  Uncle Plutard (or something like that), Aunt Tina, YaYa, Papu, and sis-in law Crystal.  The big twist (those crazy kids at ABC!) is that both dudes are going to be hanging with the family at the same time. How fun!  Jason brings more flowers and a bottle of ouzo (or so I want to believe).  Jesse brings the same shirt he wore the day before and a greasy hairstyle.  The family looks fairly bored by the whole gong show, but the dad is treating it like a nightmare job interview:

Dad: Summarize your pros and cons for us.
Jesse: My pro is that I care so much about your daughter (Papu sneaks a shot of ouzo at this response; I don't blame him).
Jason: My con is that I'm not nearly as 'rad' as Jesse (YaYa slips Jason her phone number).

Jesse teaches the old folks about the blow-up nug.  Seriously.  This is what Jesse brings to the table.  A blow-up nug.  Why is he even in this competition? Jason asks Yaya and Papu what their secret to a long and happy marriage is.  Yaya likes Jason, 'He's a very nice fellow'.  Crystal likes Jesse, 'Just rock it out'.  Crystal is fantasizing about leaving her hubby for the crazy slopes of Breckenridge.  And then, a shocker: Jesse asks Dad for his blessing to get married.  Jesse says he knows he's in love because he has sweaty palms and butterflies in his stomach.  I'm not the biggest expert in love, but I'd hazard a guess and say that there is quite a bit more to real love than sweaty palms.  Seriously.  Jesse?  Seriously.

He's Baaack
Back in the Bahamas, we get a blast from the past and get a visit from Jeremy.  How long has Jeremy been waiting in the Bahamas outside DeAnna's hotel room, waiting for her to get back?  It's either really creepy or the editing sequence for this show is way out of order.  I honestly don't know which one I believe.  But anyhow, the visit with Jeremy is anti-climactic.  He just needs answers, DeAnna doesn't want to be like B-Dub, so she 'graciously' explains her feelings to him.  Poor Jeremy.  After he leaves DeAnna (for the second time), he takes a knee and cries like a baby.

Last Chance Dates
Jesse's last chance date begins with a float plane ride.  I've been on a float plane.  It's not that romantic.  It's kind of choppy and pretty loud.  Granted, I wasn't flying over some water in the Bahamas, but still.  DeAnna and Jesse land near a deserted island and they spend the day wading around in the water and kissing.  Back at the hotel, Jesse gives DeAnna a scrapbook.  I mean, a 'book of thoughts'.  The book is filled with pictures and notes.  Jesse reads the notes out loud.  For a split second, I thought he might be the type of guy who actually points at the words as he's reading them, you know, like someone learning to read, but that doesn't happen.  That would have been gold.

Jason's last chance date is swimming with sharks.  The shark thing was scary.  DeAnna looked terrified. I would be terrified.  They were just huddled at the bottom of the ocean (or tank) with sharks swimming all around them.  Jason tried to keep her calm.  Back at the hotel room, Jason also has a surprise for her. Now - boys of the world - pay attention to this one.  Jason made a board game called Eight Roses.  Wow.  The game involves replaying dates and things they've done together (example: re-enact your first kiss).  The last card in the game read 'Ask Jason to tell you something new'.  At this point, Jason professes his love for DeAnna and how perfect she is for him, etc, etc.  I mean really.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Why is Jesse even in this competition?  Unfortunately, we find out why soon enough.

After the commercial, more talk of B-Dub by DeAnna.  Meanwhile, the boys are picking out rocks at Tacori.  Nice.  Jason is confident, he picks out a rock, and then tosses a coin in a nearby fountain for luck.  Jesse, on the other hand, is nervous.  He almost pukes outside the jewelery shop and compares picking out a rock to falling off a 50-storey building.  That'll be a fun scene to re-watch later with DeAnna.  Love is sooooo blind, apparently.

At the mock altar, Jason is out first. This is not a good sign.  Not.At.All.  Jason is confident and he wore a orange tie because his son told him to wear orange (ya know, Georgia peaches and all).  He gets down on one knee and then DeAnna stops him. At this point, my heart stops.  She says 'No I can't.  My life would be perfect with you but there's someone else in my heart'.  Ho.Ly.Crap.  I'm stunned.  Jason goes home without a fiance.  Now, at this point, I'll be honest.  I stopped watching the show. Sorry y'all.  But I just could not watch Jesse skateboard up the aisle, push his greasy hair out of his face, pull out a ring he could never afford 'in the real world' and push it on to DeAnna's finger.  Just stopped watching. So if I missed something beautiful and inspiring, I guess it will haunt me to the end of time.  Or to the start of the next season.

So...given the After the Final Rose crapfest, I know Jesse and DeAnna are engaged.  They've also set a wedding date (May 9, 2009).  Her family is shocked.  We see Jason again and part of me thinks he would be a great Bachelor, but part of me hopes he disappears back to Seattle and we never see him on TV again.  All of me hopes that we never hear from DeAnna and/or Jesse again, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen. Jason and DeAnna talk; she comes off looking more heartless than I thought possible, and he tries to be classy, given the ridiculous situation.  Ug.  I feel drained from this season.  Just drained.  But, just like Chris-Bot, I'll be back.  Oh yeah, I can't pull myself away from this crap.

Jesse.

Seriously?

Bachelorette Second Chance: Good Lord, What the ? was that?!?

Okay, okay, okay. Full blog later, but I'm still only part way through the After the Rose Crapfest, and just had to foam at the mouth a little bit. If you've seen the episode, please comment. I know you're out there reading, so let me know what you thought of DeAnna's final choice.

My thoughts:

Huh?

Full blog still to come.

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Seven: We're Fixin' to Go From Four Guys to Three, Y'all

Oh, good lord. What a show. What a two-hour show. After the last few weeks, I have not been warming up to DeAnna. She'd no doubt chastise me for not opening up, for not realizing that she knows exactly what I'm going through since she's been through it all before, but I don't care. I'm actually rooting for the guys I like to not get a rose. In the immortal words of that dude-who-wrote-that-book-and-then-went-on-Oprah-and-then-was-never-heard-from-again: I'm just not that into you, DeAnna.

So. Tonight. Family Dates x 4. These are always enjoyable. Always lots of booze flowing, at least one awkward silence, a weird brother, and nice parents. So, let's begin.

DeAnna Wants to be Jesse's Girl.

Jesse's a really good snowboarder, and he actually looks okay in a helmet. He really should shake it up and get a short hair cut. Come on, dude, just for me. You can do it. He and DeAnna meet on the mountainside in Breckenridge and he gives her a snowboarding lesson. I know everyone thinks DeAnna's a natural athlete, but I tend to think that he's a pretty good instructor. Maybe a bit of both, I'll try to be nice. So, they board down the bunny hill and seem to have a pretty good time. Then they have a very long chat over coffee (seriously, it may have been the longest un-edited scene in the history of the show), and seem to be getting along. Then she hops on his back and they snowboard down a real mountain. Pretty cool.

Back at Jesse's house (he says 'it's little' but it's got a 70-inch tv in the foyer), she snoops around. A plus for Jesse: he's got a non-profit organization to help underprivileged kids snowboard. Minus for Jesse: he labels all the shelves and drawers in the kitchen. Makes me think he's either obsessive-compulsive, or he's obsessive-compulsive and rents out his place when he's not there. Whichever, it's bit odd. His parents come over, and they're pretty down-to-earth. Dad is funny, mom brought DeAnna a gift. Dad takes Jesse aside to tell him he needs to open up and mom tells DeAnna she just wants her baby boy to be happy. Pretty smooth visit. Afterwards, DeAnna and Jesse have a final chance to be alone:

Jesse: Ever been on a horse and carriage ride?
DeAnna: Remember that dude Richard from the start of the show?

I kid, of course, she should've said that but doesn't. They climb behind old Rusty and finally kiss.

I Can't Think of a Good Catch Phrase for Jeremy.
The date begins with DeAnna standing on the side of the road in Dallas. A motorcycle pulls up. It's B-Dub. I am not kidding. DeAnna blinks her eyes really fast and he turns back into Jeremy. So close. Soooo close. But she climbs on the back of the bike and they tour around Dallas. Back to his apartment, and my first impression is that of Christian Bale a la American Psycho (If you don't know what I'm talking about, buy the book or rent the movie. It's messed up). I mean, this cat Jeremy is immaculate. I'm pretty sure that the items in fridge are alphabetized. His walk-in closet is...interesting. His trousers are organized by increasingly lighter shades of gray. And what was with the posters to help him study for the Bar? If I were a lawyer who was just called to the Bar, my first order of business would be to destroy any evidence that I ever studied for it. But not our friend Jeremy. He's got an image to uphold. The dog is cute - Kemo.

But then, the date changes. He pulls out family pictures, and we see pics of his mom, who looks a lot like DeAnna. They talk about losing a parent. I have a strange feeling - am I starting to like this guy? I find that I am. A lot. And then, he pulls out a journal he kept when his mom was ill and right before she passed away. Wow. He reads from it to DeAnna. She's crying. I'm crying. Such a personal thing - it was totally inappropriate that such a private and personal thing was on a ridiculous show like the Bach'ette. Wow. We get a breather in the form of an extended commercial for Wipeout, and then his two brothers and a sis-in-law come over. They have dinner and talk about death and losing parents. Then we split up and the brothers grill DeAnna. Jason's a hardass, it's a bit ridiculous. At the end of the date, she's in love with Jeremy and even I've been won over by him

Sleepless in Seattle
Jason's a bit of a doll, he's just so excited and cute. He literally starts to jump up and down when he sees DeAnna. What girl wouldn't like this dude? They're in Seattle, at the Space Needle, where they go to the 'tippy top' and get an amazing view of Seattle. I, who is terrified of heights, would literally die at this point. Open air at the top of the Space Needle, with a flimsy rail that only comes up to your knees. Yes, I would die. They share a kiss, go inside and share a nice conversation, where we learn that DeAnna wants 3 kids by the time she's 30. She's currently 26. Jason quickly does the math in his head and decides that yes, he can work with that, so they carry on to meet his boy Ty.

Ty's playing ball with some random person. For a second I thought it might be the ex-wife, but I doubt it. Ty looks up and the dramatic music starts to play. 'Daddy!' Jason starts to run. 'Ty!'. The best thing, of course, would have been a slow-motion sequence, but no. Jason runs over and hugs his son. DeAnna's crying. I'm crying. DeAnna confides that when she saw the love between Jason and his son, she was done. She was falling for this guy. DeAnna meets Ty and it goes well. The three of them feed some ducks and then head over to his family's house, where we meet mom and dad, a couple of brothers, and a sister-in-law.

The family is nice - they cook a greek meal in honour of DeAnna, which was great, and everyone gets along. After dinner, Jason shows Ty the star certificate that DeAnna bought for him (better than that lame golf ball that appeared earlier). Grandpa Dennis is in tears over the star. So am I. It's ridiculous. What a show. Finally, DeAnna pulls out the ouzo. Everyone has a shot (Ty uses his sippy cup). Next scene: they're hammered. Next scene: they're hammered and playing leap frog. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not. There's a VERY emotional goodbye (what a loving family) and the date ends after we see Jason and Deanna kiss at what I can only assume is his place. Jason seems to have it wrapped up.

Shooting Hoops in Raleigh
Graham's excited. DeAnna's excited. They meet at Graham's old high school to shoot some hoops. He's had a jersey made for her and they have the gym to themselves. She is all over him and they have a great date. Their physical attraction is 'undeniable', as they say. Back at his parents house, we meet Karan and Ike (I think it was Ike). Graham seems close to his parents. Mom is chatty, dad is quiet; they're both really nice. DeAnna's feeling close enough to Karan to ask her if she thinks her son is ready for marriage. Mom is very honest in her reply, when she says that Graham is a bit of a loner, and that he's had problems having relationships for longer than 4 weeks. Hmm. Trouble brewing. The date seems to take a downward turn at this point. DeAnna and Graham sit on a bench outside the house, and there's an awkward conversation. And by awkward, I mean genuine. Graham is a loner, yes, and scared of commitment, yes, but he's honest about it. He's the most real guy to me of all of them:

DeAnna: 'What's on your mind?'
Graham: 'Everything.'
DeAnna: 'Are you okay?'
Graham: 'Yup.'

This is probably his way of telling her that he's falling for her. She accuses him of being closed-off. He says that is just who he is, he can't be any different. There's a lot of awkward silence, and then she leaves. No kiss goodbye this time. Is it the four-week mark already? Did the mom spoil it? Or is he just tired of her pouting that's it not all about her all the time?

Back at the house, I'm getting geared up for the Rose Ceremony. It's pretty obvious to me who's going home, but you never know on this show. DeAnna's in the green room looking at the four framed pictures of the remaining dudes, and she says, I'm not kidding:'I don't understand how you're supposed to choose just one'. Somewhere in Texas, B-Dub yells out a resounding 'Thank you!' and downs another shot of tequila.

The dudes come in one at a time, escorted by Chris-Bot. Jesse is channeling his inner Miami Vice, complete with white suit, black Gap t-shirt, and mesh shoes. Rewind it if you don't believe me. Jeremy and Jason look sharp. Graham shuffles in, wearing jeans, sweater, shirt, tie, and jacket. DeAnna comes in wearing a very short dress. She makes no speeches. And looks very serious. Blinking like a banshee. Just starts reading off the names: Jesse. Jeremy. Jason. Chris-Bot didn't even come in to tell us when we were down to the final rose; he was cowering in the corner. Everyone's a bit scared of DeAnna.

But whoa. G-Dog gets the boot. I guess I did see that coming, but I'm glad for him. She's too much for him, and not in a good way. He walks over to her to say goodbye, she walks him outside. He looks like he might laugh, she's Miss Serious Pants. They sit on the bench. And she begins with, no surprise, multiple references to B-Dub:

'I made it perfectly clear what it was like with Brad. And in the end, Brad led me on. Brad broke my heart.' She says she feels like Graham led her on the way Brad did. And then, the best line ever, better than anything B-Dub ever spewed out, comes from Graham: 'You are very entitled to your opinion. And you are more than welcome to make it easier on yourself by thinking that, but that's not true'. Wow. I paused the tv for one full minute, just to absorb it all. DeAnna has made the mistake of thinking that she could change a boy, and she can't understand why he just couldn't be someone different. Someone he's not. They're both emotional, quiet, looking away from each other. She's only thinking of herself. And then they have to leave. Graham stands up, and hands her a card and says he wrote out his real feelings, that it's not to be read on the show, it's for no one else but her. She's bawling. I'm on the edge of the couch. He leaves and she breaks down and reads the card (to herself) and thinks she might have made a mistake. Meanwhile, Graham's in the car, dialing B-Dub on his cell (those cats would TOTALLY be friends in real life). Actually, he's not on the phone, instead he's quiet and teary.

What a ending, people, talk about reality TV gold!! Next week, on the Men Tell All, we learn who was hated the most (my guess: Ron) and what the note from Graham said (my thought: I really hope that we don't get to hear what it said). My PVR also tells me that Shayne and Matt will make an appearance on next week's show. Should be entertaining.

Let me leave you with this final summation (Jeremy taught me that word) about DeAnna. Always keep in mind that she chose Jesse over Graham. Although I don't think either of them will give her three kids in the next four years, but seriously, check it out, and tell me which you think is more 'marriage-material':
Jesse on the right, dudes.

Graham has a website: www.grahambunn.com

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Six: D is for Decisive - Just say No to the Cocktail Party!

I know, I know, I know. I do a lot of numbered lists. I can't help it; it's the nerd in me, if you will. It's just...orderly. But I will try to keep it to a minimum tonight by only highlighting my three major observations tonight, you can agree with me or not on them, with further explanations to follow below.

1. DeAnna's not over B-Dub (Brad). I've been talking around this one for awhile, but I'm putting it out on the table now.

2. DeAnna says a lot of the same things that B-Dub said. This could probably be point 1a, but that would be WAY too nerdy, even for me.

3. Chicks just might be crazy. Now, being a chick, that's not always the kosher thing to say about my sisters, but sometimes...

So, enough with the numbers, y'all. Lets get to the one-hour episode!

It begins with Chris-Bot down at the Outhouse, telling the guys that there are six remaining, but only four will go on to bring DeAnna home to meet their families. Also, no roses handed out on dates this week, just at the end. Finally, the boys and DeAnna need a vacay from their rough life and thus, are headed to Palm Springs to continue the debauchery. Fast-forward to Rancho Relaxo in Palm Springs, which can conveniently be seen from the Outhouse, and the guys are lounging around when the first date box (cleverly disguised as a lantern) arrives at their doorstep. Sean gets the first one-on-one date, with the card reading: Let's Take Our Relationship to New Heights. Now I know what most guys might be thinking, but clever DeAnna meant that they will be taking a gondola ride to the top of a mountain, with dinner waiting, and potential for dessert back at her suite. As a bit of a sidebar: I love how the guys all think DeAnna's got the greatest taste in picking out dates. Um. Seriously. She's really footing the bill for these things, of course.

So the gondola ride is a bit creaky and long, and as a person who's scared of heights herself, I would have probably been lying on the floor of that gondola with my eyes closed. Put me on there with Twilley and his motion sickness, and that would have been hot, y'all. But Sean's 'a man' and they seem to have a pretty nice time. Good conversation at dinner, lots of 'opening up' (there's an overused expression if I've ever heard one), lots of things in common, some strange conversation about loaded guns (what?), and the dessert consists of chocolate and champagne. Pretty sweet, no pun intended of course. And then, two odd things: Sean mentions that he lives one street over from his mommy and daddy, and DeAnna (to the camera) says that 'there's definitely a romantic side to John'. I may have singlehandedly paid for the PVR tonight, kids, because I went back a million times, slowing it down, speeding it up, and every time, the same: John. Not Sean, but John. Interesting foreshadowing.

Looking For A Man Who Can Get Down and Dirty
The next day, a group date for Jesse, Jason, Graham and Twilley. Twilley and DeAnna share one helicopter while the other guys squeeze into another. Twilley doesn't quite know how to open the door, but who cares really, because he's got more important things to worry about, like not puking on the love of his life. They all get dropped off in the middle of the desert, where they learn they are going four-wheeling. I don't know if there's an official name for this type of activity, although DeAnna calls it four-whillin' and some of the dudes say 'riding ATV's'. Whatever, it's definitely not what Graham thought of when the date card was read, but he's into it. The usual madness ensues: Jesse is competitive and wipes out, Jason just rides straight ahead at the same pace (DeAnna calls this being 'straight-laced'; I call this being 'a dad'), Twilley is off by himself playing with imaginary friends no doubt, and of course DeAnna races circles around them, or so we're told.

Afterwards, everyone's pool side and there's the usual horseplay and one-on-one time (another expression that is overused, especially by me). Jason and DeAnna share a nice moment, then Jesse doesn't kiss her, although there were enough awkward pauses that he could have went for it, and Graham seals the deal by lounging with her on the hammock. Sidebar: I loved how Graham was excited for the hometown date because finally everyone would be on his team; I can totally relate to that. Twilley gets no one-on-one time and she ends the date by telling him that she's proud he didn't throw up today. Poor Twilley.

Later that night, DeAnna goes on her final date of the episode, with Jeremy. The two head off in a big 'ole convertible, driven by DeAnna. I'm reasonably pleased that Jeremy isn't over-the-top impressed that DeAnna is driving. I mean, really, I know DeAnna thinks she's cool and all because she's behind the wheel, but we girls have been driving for a very long time. I'm just sayin', maybe it's time to bring something new to the table. Anyhow, they go off for a private dinner at Frank Sinatra's old house (not sure how the producers swung this one), but it's pretty cool. Except for the singing, of course. That was awkward, but they survived it. DeAnna is falling for this guy, it's obvious he's the favourite, especially after he pulled out the old standby "You're not perfect, but you're perfect for me".

After the commercial break, the boys ramble into the house for what they think is the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. But there goes DeAnna, breaking the rules again. She doesn't need a cocktail party, she's made up her mind. And of course, she pretends to show empathy for the guys by saying 'I don't want to let these guys suffer through a cocktail party knowing that I've already made up my mind'. In reality, they wouldn't know she'd made up her mind unless she tells them, she just took away their final chances of making a good impression, and she's obviously tired from driving that convertible last night.

So, Chris-Bot walks in and he's giddy because we're getting right to the meat here, no waiting in the wings to ting his glass. The roses appear and we begin with DeAnna giving the spiel. And quelle surprise, she says she doesn't want to lead the guys on the way she was, so she hands out the roses. I don't want to point out the obvious here, although I guess I do, since I'm about to: DeAnna is doing exactly what B-Dub did when he was the Bachelor: slowly whittle away people who are in way over their heads and hope that no one gets hurt. In my opinion, all DeAnna's actions on this show are just redeeming B-Dub's actions on the Bachelor. If she didn't want to do what B-Dub did to her, she could have just went on eharmony or wherever, and hooked up with Jeremy that way (can't you just see the commercials? What a coup that would have been for eharmony!). But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, I know all you care about are who got the roses. So I'll keep it simple:

Jeremy - Jason - Graham - Jesse.

I'm a bit surprised by Jesse over Sean, but not enough to pause the TV or change positions on the couch. Sean and Twilley both come off looking like fairly decent guys, so I guess that's that. Next week: yadda, yadda, yadda, and we end with DeAnna in tears yet again. Yawn. Is B-Dub back yet?

So, back to my points:

1. DeAnna not over B-Dub. She just brings his name up a lot, and if not his name, she keeps saying 'I don't want to lead these guys on the way I was', 'I can't do to these guys what Brad did to me', and so on and so on. I just think she's not quite done with that cat.

2 (or 1a). Examples of things she's said that are similar/virtually identical to B-Dub:
About Jason: 'He has all the qualities that I look for in a husband' (change genders, of course)
About Richard: 'He is that perfect guy that I would have been lucky to have in my life' (change genders, of course)
About Richard: 'It's truly breaking my heart right now and I'm so sorry. I care about you but I can't lead you on and say I have feelings for you that I don't'.
About Fred: 'It would have been cowardly to keep Fred around'. I'm pretty sure that B-Dub said a similar thing, that it would have been cowardly to pretend to have feelings (for DeAnna) that just weren't there.

If I were brilliant or unemployed I would find some way to splice DeAnna and Brad sound bites and put that winner on YouTube, but you'll just have to have faith in me on this one.

3. Sigh. I don't think chicks are always crazy, but we are complicated. Example: Sean talks about how he's having a hard time with the other guys around, he's rewarded with dessert at DeAnna's and some intimate moments, but no rose. Graham says the same thing (which, by the way, made me respect him more), and she gets angry with him, and then forks over a rose. My point? At the end of the day, if a girl likes you, it doesn't really matter what you say or do (to a point). Conversely, if she's not into you, the same thing applies: it doesn't really matter what you say or do (to a point).

...just my thoughts, of course :)

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Five: DeAnna Tells Nothing, Y'All

So, instead of a two-hour episode tonight we were 'treated' to two one-hour episodes. Brilliant work, producers, just brilliant. In the first hour, we are promised a tell-all that is second to none, with DeAnna spilling her heart (or, should I say, opening up), about the six remaining guys, along with out-takes from the season so far. For the record, I'm still waiting for the out-takes. So....what did we learn tonight, y'all?

1. Nothing.

2. No, seriously, nothing.

3. Well, maybe a few things:

The questions and answers did not seem as scripted as I thought they'd be. Don't get me wrong, still fairly contrived, but I thought it would be worse.

DeAnna says a lot of the same things about the guys that B-Dub said about her. What goes around comes around, obviously, except DeAnna is not clueing into it. More on that in the next post, my friends.

DeAnna reassures us that the editing of the show is quite realistic and a fairly accurate portrayal of what really went on during the show. Wow. What a relief.

Twilley is more odd than I originally gave him credit for. Example one: he's an artist, and a unique one at that, since he always uses a ruler to sketch. Example two: he's using his dad playing for the Miami Dolphins as a point for himself. Um, first of all, is your dad single? But more importantly, the Miami Dolphins? Example three: He started a touch-screen real estate software type thingy in university. Okay people, back me up here, but I'm pretty sure that 9 guys out of 10 started some type of software type thing in university...that's how university works in general. It doesn't mean you're successful with it. I could be wrong about Twilley, I'd be happy if he proved me wrong. But I digress...

Sean set off many alarm bells consecutively: he collects cars, he has a tanning machine at home, he also has a sauna (to help lose the water weight), and he calls his mom, oh, two or three times...a day. Oh sister, run.

We 'catch up' with our favourite Bachelor family, the Sutters. For the uneducated, that's Trista, Ryan, and Max. They are just loving their life and everything about it. Trista confesses that Graham and Jason are her favourites for DeAnna.

And finally, we learn that DeAnna doesn't have a favourite. Well, she does, but B-Dub isn't on the show anymore.

Mostly, this episode was just a re-hash (is that a word? Note to self: where's my editor?) of what we already know and have seen: Graham opening up and DeAnna seeing it as rejection, the overdramatic reaction that DeAnna had to not having guys fall all over themselves for her at the Outhouse BBQ (note to DeAnna: get over it), the double rejection of Rob and Fred, and on and on.

On to the next hour, where only four guys get roses (and hometown dates).

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Four: DeAnna pulls a Womack

You know, DeAnna’s an interesting bird.  I remember when she was on the ‘first’ show, with B-Dub, and throughout most of the season, I didn’t like her.  She was stirring up trouble with the other girls and not too well liked.  By the end, I liked her. Tonight’s episode resurfaced many of those ambivalent feelings for her. Maybe ambivalent is too nice of a word, actually.  Let’s see how it all went down in the Most.Shocking.Episode.Ever.

Nine dudes remain.  Thankfully, we don’t open with a recap of DeAnna getting dumped by B-Dub.  But don’t you worry, his name will come up during the episode, by DeAnna.  I’m telling you, she is not over that guy.  And who could blame her, really, with the current collection of dudes.  We begin with a recap of Richard and Jason’s one-on-one dates from last week.  Nice.  Richard gets canned and Jason gets a rose.  We get it, DeAnna, you’re not going to be nice.  You’re not going to do to these guys what Brad did to you.  Well, actually, sister, you kind of are doing exactly what B-Dub did to you. 

Killing Me Softly With His Song

The first challenge of the night is delivered by Chris-Bot, who tells the guys that they have 20 minutes to write a song, which they will then perform to DeAnna and the other guys.  Brian is the only guy who enjoys it. In fact, he enjoys it so much that he is writing four whole verses and a refrain.  The best part of Chris-Bot’s job emerges right here, right now.  He gets to watch these yaks perform their ‘songs’.  Fred does okay.  It’s a good thing that Graham’s hot, because one of his lyrics is that ‘no one know’s there’s a conflict between you and I’. Robert and Twilley think they are cowboys.  Jeremy’s the whitest guy on the show yet feels the need to rap.  Sean and Jason do more of a spoken word type of thing and less of a song.  Jesse is the only one who gives DeAnna any love, so he wins the one-on-one date with DeAnna.  He’s not sure what the date will consist of, but he does know that he doesn’t have a thing to wear.  Thankfully, DeAnna is already dressing these guys, and she sends down a suit for him. 

Jesse and DeAnna take a limo to the Wiltern, which is a big old concert hall, that is empty except for the two of them (and camera and production crew of course).  Good lord, she makes Jesse perform his song for her again, on stage.  Is she actually enjoying this?  Make them jump through a few more hoops why don’t you, DeeDee?  Dance, monkey, dance!  Following this debacle, they have a sit-down dinner with a Q&A, where we learn that Jesse:

• has never cheated on a girlfriend


• is stubborn


• is trying to open up


• has real feelings for DeAnna


• is genuine

We also learn that DeAnna is soaking this up, although she admits that she’s not usually attracted to guys ‘like him’.  Nice try at a compliment, DeAnna.  She forks over a rose and then they get a surprise private performance from Natasha Bedingfield.

Back at the house, Brian, Twilley, Sean, Jeremy, Graham and Jason learn that they will be on the group date, which means that Fred and Rob are left to go on the two-on-one date.  Yikes.

Dale Earnhardt Turns Over in His Grave (note: that is not a picture of Dale)

The group date consists of the boys going to the Auto Club Speedway in a doublewide trailer, y’all.  They’re going to race around a track and who ever drives the fastest wins a special surprise from DeAnna.  Brian is up first, has some problems starting the car, but then does well (140 mph).  Jason looks hilarious behind the wheel, Graham hasn’t driven a car in two years (I’m telling you, good thing he’s hot, because there isn’t a lot there otherwise), and Jeremy doesn’t even crack a smile when he’s behind the wheel. Twilley’s performance is uneventful (that’s what she said), and Sean seriously looks like he might kill himself.  He doesn’t care if he crashes into everyone at the finish line; he’s going to win.  And he does, with 141.11 mph.  Later, DeAnna takes a twirl around the track and looks fairly smug, coming in at the fastest time at 141.62 mph.

Sean gets some special one-on-one time with DeAnna where he does a lot of talking and not a lot of listening.  He tells her that they have a lot of the ‘same similarities’ and when she mentions that she lived in Kentucky before her mom passed away, there was an awkward pause where any normal guy might have addressed the mom factor, but Sean’s reaction?  He bursts out in a laugh, says he feels like he just got a huge boost of confidence, and that he knew that they had this bluegrass connection.  From there, I thought he was doomed.  But no, DeAnna, that complex bird, forks over a rose to him.

The usual formula follows: each guy gets some on one-on-one time with DeAnna, beginning with Jeremy.  Then Graham interrupts and they go for a walk.  There’s a lot of touching and gazing and arm stroking.  She’s very attracted to him. And then, trouble: Graham ‘opens up’ and tells her that he’s having a hard time with all the other guys around and so he finds himself holding back a little. Her reaction?  She gives her usual spiel: She knows exactly what the guys are going through, she’s been through with B-Dub, don’t you remember?  Her logic seems to be that since she’s been though it herself and knows what the guys are going through, that they shouldn’t be feeling that way.  Um.  What?  Shouldn’t it be the opposite – that she would feel some empathy for these cats?  It’s like she’s punishing Graham for making her like him too much. Sigh. Chicks are crazy.

Trouble at the Henhouse

The next day, the guys pull a reverse date card and invite DeAnna and the Big House boys down to the Outhouse for a barbecue.  They set up a kids table for Bobbie, and Bobbie doesn’t like it.  He throws his chair, pulls up his collar and storms off like a brat.  All of the guys, except Bobbie, decide to take their shirts off, and clown around with each other.  It looks a bit weak, I guess, but who cares?  DeAnna cares.  She pouts and whines like a fussy princess and confronts the guys, because no one is paying enough attention to her, she should be the center of attention, aren’t they all there for her?  I kid you not, she delivers some speech, starts to cry and then storms off to the house.  At this point, if I were one of the guys, I might pack my bag and leave.  If I were B-Dub, I’d be laughing my heart out. What goes around comes around, sister.  When she was one of the girls on the Bachelor, she was right in the thick of it, causing trouble with the other girls, and not making any friends.  But when the tables are turned, watch out.

Two Boys Fall Short

Later, Rob and Fred leave in a limo for their date with DeAnna (sidebar: we finally get to see the limo driver, and it’s not Chris-Bot!).  Fred confides to the camera that he’s got personality and Rob thinks that whoever gets the first kiss has got it in the bag.  Therefore, he’s going to go for that first kiss, whether she’s ready or not.  At dinner, DeAnna asks the boys what’s the romantic thing they’ve ever done for another girl.  Weak question.  A better question: what’s the most romantic thing you’d like us to do together? But, sigh, I don’t write the show.  Not that it’s scripted, mind you.  Never scripted!

The boys answer:

Rob: Took his ex-fiancée (alarm bell one) to Las Vegas and did a sunset tour in a helicopter.  Then something about a dozen monkeys each holding a dozen roses, which the monkeys tossed at them while they made love in a heart-shaped bed at the Bellagio or something.  It took him six months to pay off the date (alarm bell two).

Fred: He’s more low-key. He surprised a girl after work on a Friday and took her to Lake Geneva (close to Chicago), where they watched the sun set from a boat.

I conclude that Fred is a good guy and really does have personality.  With Rob’s first one-on-one time he goes for a kiss right away and gets brushed off.  Awkward.  But not to our boy Bobbie. He admits that he got a brush-off, but that it could get naughty later.  That’s right, naughty.  Who talks like that?  In the meantime, I think he’s unbuttoned another button on his chambray shirt and I’ve stopped listening to his smooth talking.  He mentions something about looking up rose in the dictionary, and seeing his face there.  What the ?

At dinner, DeAnna starts the spiel and then blindsides Rob by telling him that she can’t give him a rose tonight.  Whoa, he looks startled and even more like Elvis than usual.  Bobbie’s sad in the limo home.  Back at the date, Fred looks relieved.  But then…wait for it…she sends Fred packing, too.  Pulls a B-Dub on the unsuspecting Fred!!  And actually says she got led on by B-Dub so can’t do the same to Fred.  Um.  You just did sister.  One way not to do that to Fred: Don’t go on the Bachelorette.  Another way not to do that to Fred: Ditch them both at the same time, so we don’t have to see that look of relief on Fred’s face when Rob goes home.  Because that look is the same one you had, DeAnna, when B-Dub told you he had just sent Jenni home.  Exactly the same.

Back at the house, Jason greets poor old broken-hearted DeAnna and they snuggle on a lounger by the fire.  Maybe this is why she axed both Rob and Fred, so she could spend a night alone with Jason.  Either way, Jason is scoring some major points here.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, I’m once again distracted by Sean’s beetlejuice suit, which is a couple of sizes too small. Sean would give anything to be in Jason’s position.  This coming from a guy who has a rose and said to a guy who doesn’t have a rose.  Smart, Sean, smart.  There’s the usual conversations at the pre-Rose Ceremony and then every one hits the pool to blow off some steam.  While they’re all in the hot tub, Chris-Bot comes running out of the house towards the pool and jumps in, yelling ‘CANNONBALL’.  When he surfaces, he tings his glass and says it’s time to dole out roses.  One man will go home.  Jesse and Sean are safe.  The four remaining roses go to Jason, Jeremy, Twilley and Graham.  Poor Brian, he’s out.  Not really a surprise.

Next week: A ‘special’ episode consisting of a fireside chat between Chris-Bot and DeAnna where DeAnna reveals her true feelings about the six remaining guys.  I don’t know if I can sit through an hour of serious-talking, eye-blinking, scripted responses DeAnna.  Thankfully there are supposed to be some outtakes from the shows.

Book Club/Drinking Game questions and Random thoughts:

1. In the Big Brother/Outhouse, there is a lamp above the pool table with a picture on it.  Is this picture one of dogs playing pool?


2. Often I’ve hoped for an episode where each dude invites either an ex-girlfriend, an ex-fiancee, or an ex-wife on to the show, where she could give us an honest analysis of what he was like.


3. Have you ever noticed that Rob always wore collared shirts?  Also, that if it were short sleeved, the collar would be up and if it were long-sleeved, the collar would be down, but half of the buttons on the shirt would be undone as well.  Oh yeah, I notice crap like that.


4. Why would Rob use the phrase ‘smooth, rich, succulent’ and then purr when referring to his upcoming date with DeAnna?  Repulsive.