Let's call the whole thing off.
Not.
Well, well, well. Where to begin. The Bach is definitely back in town. And I'm loving it, already. Let me begin by saying that it's going to be very difficult for me to hold off on the British stereotypes. So difficult, in fact, that I probably won't even bother. I'm going to let it all hang out. It'll be...brilliant.
So, the show begins at 6:32 pm and I'm so nervous and excited that I feel the need to turn the tv to the right channel at 6:26 pm. You know, just in case I miss something. Instead, I caught the end of Dancing with the Stars and, all sarcasm aside, I couldn't tell with some of the pairs who was the 'famous' person and who was the 'pro dancer'. Not kidding. I almost said out loud 'Do people actually watch this crap?" and then the Bach started. If you feel like pointing out the irony there, no worries, I'm all over it.
But back to Matt Grant (or Grawnt if you want to be obnoxious. Note: I'm obnoxious). The show begins with the usual montage of Matt-as-a-child pictures and the story of his family. I especially love how he criticizes how people stereotype Brits and then shows a picture from the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral (I think he's wearing an ascot, or what I think is an ascot), and a family photo. He's got four dorky brothers and parents who obviously have pushed their twin beds together a total of, oh, I don't know, five times in their marriage.
Let's flash forward to modern-day Matt. His life is brilliant (I predict that 'brilliant' is the British Bach's equivalent of 'amazing'). He's hot. Yes indeed, not bad to look at. He's 6'5", great sense of humour, sly smile, wears a suit well, all that. No pics of Matt during a workout or on the beach, although it's early in the season. But let's call it like it is: on the first episode, I don't care about the Bach. I really don't. I am too geared up to see my old friend Chris-Bot, and more importantly, meet the women. Or, as they're called this season, 25 beautiful AMERICAN women. American. As if we could forget.
So Matt pulls up in his Maserati to meet Chris-Bot. He gets out of his car, eyes squinting, nose flaring, and flinching from the rain. Nice. Chris is about a foot shorter than the Bach, but they both have matching London Fog jackets on (that's right, I went there). They go inside for a little fireside chit chat, which was quite frank, open, and soul searching. Later, they're curled up by the fire, sipping champagne, with Chris wrapped in a fur blanket. Wait a minute, wait a minute, whoa. That's just a clip from an upcoming episode. It's not Chris at all. My bad.
So Matt takes his L.Fog coat off, and the first limo pulls up. I've decided to give my first impression of these women as they come out:
1. Amanda R. - cute navy dress, a bit nervous, but she'll easily get by.
2. Amy - a nanny with a mint cut-out dress. She's a bit too young, I think.
3. Devon - a make up artist who looks A LOT older than 24.
4. Kristine - could probably use a one-on-one session with Devon. Strange eyebrows, she looks a bit like Leann Rimes.
5. Chelsea - shakes her 'bonbons' - she'll stick around.
6. Erin H - a bit nervous, but I liked the ring as placeholder trick. She's an early favourite (for me)
7. Kelly - he kept repeating her name, so she'll probably stick around
8. Rebecca - reminds me of a previous Bach'ette who's 'eggs were rotting'. There is no way she is only 30 y/o.
9. Denise - former Bush aide. Enough said.
10. Erin - a hot dog vendor with a sense of humour (also a favourite)
11. Robin - I like Robin but she may have flubbed a little by talking about 'soccer'
12. Ashlee - singer/songwriter who giggles at the end of each sentence
13. Alyssa - okay
14. Michelle - the green dress and the red hair are too cliche for me, but she saves the best for later with her clarinet.
15. Shayne - subdued actress, she'll stick around
16. Marshana - fashion designer, didn't really like her
17. Amanda P - brought a cute souvenir from Vegas, the Best.Place.On.Earth
18. Tamara - nervous
19. Holly - okay
20. Tiffany - I wrote down her name but now can't remember her
21. Carri - Carri is in church marketing, wears a short dress and some very high heels.
22. Stacey - you know right away that Stacey is going to be the one that gets hammered. But it also hits me at this moment: are cut-out dress with diamond-shaped brooches back in style? More to the point, were they ever in style? There are a lot of birds with cut-out dresses and too much bedazzling getting out of these limos. I'm just sayin'
23. Lesley - youth minister. Not going to make the cut
24. Michele R - okay
25. Chris-Bot - okay, okay, just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Plus I think that would be a HILARIOUS blooper. A limo pulls up, Matt's standing anxiously in the rain, the first girl out of the car is...wait for it..Chris. Chris is a 37-year-old television star and he's super nervous. He'd totally get the first impression rose.
25. Noelle - a photographer - I like her as well.
So, after the commercial break, the party begins. I wonder how the producers decide to pair up the women - you know they've all been strategically picked and placed in different areas of the house, so the Bach can just roam from group to group, instead of being mauled by all of them at once. Anyhow, some random thoughts from the Craziest.Night.Ever. Denise should not have played the politics card. I mean, intelligence is one thing, but flirting with a dude by talking about George Bush never works. Never. Way to name-drop with Karl Rove. Seriously. Save that for the hometown date when you need to impress his grandma. Carri rips apart a can with her teeth (seriously, I don't make this crap up), and it breaks the tension.
Rebecca starts dancing it up like a soccer mom who hasn't been out in a long time (Baaaazing - I'm definitely obnoxious tonight). And who was the rock paper scissors girl? What was up with that hair of hers? Ashlee writes him a song and sings it (she is a singer/songwriter, after all) and it's as uncomfortable as expected. I'd really like to get a guy's opinion here - is it ever impressive for a girl to sing a song to a guy? Not a drunken serernade, but a full-on, expressive, heart-wrenching song? How about playing a clarinet? Because when Mich pulled that out, I just about died. But then when she said 'you have to get the reed wet for it to vibrate', and then looked the Bach deep in his eyes while she licked the reed, I really did die a little.
Stacey is hammered. I love it. The editors must love her, especially because her greatest ambition is to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has even thought of yet. That. Is. Profound. I know what the Bach is thinking about Stacey at this point, even though he doesn't say it: This girl is brilliant (make sure you read that with a British accent). Plus she loves that London has the new 'upbringing cars'. Lovely. She tries to save face here by, you guessed it, pulling off her underwear and handing it over to him. Now, who's with me here: when he held them up to the camera were you cringing and hoping that they were...ahem...clean? Later, Stacey passes out on an unmade bed. Lovely. Shayne is the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas - that hometown date would rock! Noelle and Robin both have a few moments alone with him and I'm sure he'll keep them around.
After the commercial break, the girls are gathered around and the Bach comes in to hand out 14 roses. The inflatable blue mattress is back! Seriously - it's on the wall behind Matt. The 14 girls that he picked (and Amanda to make 15) are good choices, I think, he didn't leave any of my favourites behind. But I did notice that during the handing out of the roses, they never did show Stacey full-on. An occasional flash of her dress or hair, but that's it. I thought it might be that Chris-Bot had to don a blue dress and blonde wig (Stacey was passed out before, so who knows), but she's makes the cut at the end. Her and the other rejects leave the house, take a limo into town, and party it up, y'all.
So, the season looks entertaining, although I notice there are no clips of injuries and ambulances. Should be a brilliant ride, Bach fans, just brilliant.
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