With songs they have sung for a...oh, hello. Right, the Bachelor. Sorry - there was too much singing tonight, and now I'm distracted. I love singing as much as the next girl, but I am really going have to put my foot down, here. NO with the singing. NO. NO. NO. Are these broads crazy? I mean, seriously. The singing has got to stop. I'm not kidding. NO with the singing!
Okay...shake it off...shake it off.
The show begins with Chris-Bot bounding in, no suit and no tie (must be casual friday) to announce that there will be two group dates this week. My favourite part of the show is back: the date boxes!!! Love these things - if anyone from ABC is reading this (fingers crossed), I would happily be the 'date box maker' for the show.
The first date box is one of the $25 make-up boxes (I believe they are called train cases) from Sears and/or Shoppers Drug Mart - you know the kind I mean girls, and don't pretend you don't. The $150 dollar value for $25 - the box opens and 50 million trays unfold, with a different tray for each part of your face - 100 different lip glosses, eye shadows, etc, so that you, as a 13-year-old, can experiment. Oh yeah, that always goes well. If I had done the date box for this one, it would have contained an old school camera, a boa, an airbrush (actually quite a few airbrushes), and a blow-up Nigel Barker doll. Hot.
The first date involves 8 of the girls going off to do a runway show for the Bach. All the girls get their hair and makeup done, get some wardrobe and then strut down the runway. Of course, the Bach is at the end, in a velvet frock, taking pics and shouting "Yeah, baby, yeah, you're a possum!". At least, he should have been. But he's so...stodgy. Take your damn jacket off, at least, Bach, live a little. 
During the fashion show, I start to fade, and imagine how cool this show would be if say, when they were down to 10 girls, they would all get makeovers. I would totally give Marshana bangs (have you seen the size of that forehead?), and take half of the makeup off of Erin H to give to Amy (the nanny). That's just for starters.
After the fashion show, the girls go to a penthouse suite to complete what the Bach calls 'arguably' one of the best dates. Everyone gets a glass of champagne (after the Bach rolls his eyes at Marshana - trust me, I rewound three times to make sure), and they all stand in the now-patented Bach circle of love and toast each other. I swear that some of the girls say 'Cheers' in a fake british accent...you know, kind of like 'Cheehs'. Marshana keeps the date light and fun by asking him about interracial dating. Nice. And then the redhead gets her moment in the spotlight. Wow. Formal shorts, fake eyelashes, too much mascara, peach blush (maybe that date box at the start was really just her make up case?) and again with the singing. I can't handle this singing. If I wanted to watch the Sound of Music, I would. Really, I love that movie. The wearing of the curtains and such - what's not to love? NO with the singing. Sigh. Ashlee is coy and not much of a conversationalist, but pours on the compliments, gets a kiss, and the first rose. And then is quite arrogant about it. Nice. Love the drama. I also love that she still has the tag on her pj's.
The second date box:
It's filled with money and berets and has a note from the Bach that translated from Brit-speak, says "Lets go to Vegas and gamble". Again, if it were me (fingers crossed), I would have had a briefcase filled with some gambling chips, a half-smoked cigar, an empty martini glass or two, a stuffed Montecore tiger doll, an expired ticket to a Carrot Top show (that cat is always doing a gig in Vegas) and some pamphlets advertising some late night 'entertainment'. If you've been to Vegas, you know the pamphlets I'm talking about. If the Bach was a musical, as apparently it's becoming, Celine Dion could present the date box, singing 'You Were Born to Fly', of course. And yes, I know she's retired from Vegas, but you know what they say about Vegas: you can take a girl out of Vegas, but you can't take Vegas out of a girl. Or something equally witty.
So the remaining 7 girls are off to Vegas. Sweet, sweet, Vegas. I love it there. Sooo jealous. Sigh. They're all given $1000 to gamble and the girl who has the most at the end of half-an-hour gets a private half hour with the Bach. Carri, the church marketer, loves blackjack, and Robin can't gamble. She just can't! Relax, sister, it's not like it's the overnight date or anything, just lighten up a little. Kelly wins a date to the 'middle' of the fake eiffel tower at the Paris casino. Kelly is...well, if the Bach won't say this episode, I will, brilliant: "He knows that I'm nice and I'm cool and he knows that I can handle my alcohol". You're right Kelly, I'm really surprised he hasn't pulled out the rock already and just gotten it over with. Um, yeah. But Kelly at least has a sense of humour. Back with the other girls, Shayne begins to show some of her dramatic side. She's obviously never had to 'work' to get a guy to pay attention to her.
After the casino, they all head to the Napoleon suite, which is pretty cool. More champagne is poured (note to self: I need to drink more champagne) and drama ensues. Shayne is in the bathroom, wearing shades and rubbing her nose (oh yeah, read into THAT!), and wants to quit. The show, that is. Robin sits on the Bach's lap and plays classical piano for him, making up for her non-gambling faux pas. Chelsea has a bad dress on (too silvery and puffy) but gets the rose.
Up next, the 'massive' cocktail party. It's becoming painfully obvious that Marshana's dress is homemade and flashes of a pig's blood-covered Marshana dance in my head. To put on my Project Runway hat for a moment, that dress would never make the cut. Michael Kors would tear it to shreds, figuratively and literally. Robin gets some more one-on-one time with the Bach and also gets a kiss. Pretty smooth, actually. And then, Carri. Carri, Carri, Carri. Why would you do that? Why? The singing was fine, don't get me wrong, but why would you sing to impress a dude? The only thing (well, the only two things) that would have made that scene better would have been:
1. Chris-Bot, standing just off to the side, pulling the old 'cane around the neck' trick to pull her off stage, or this:
2. Carri stops singing. There's an awkward pause. Then, Matt starts singing in an equally impressive opera voice. I mean really.
The cocktail party continues, with the Bach doing some awful dancing, and then it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Chelsea and Ashley are safe - I really thought that Kelly (who was standing behind them) would just smash their two heads together. But no. The following girls get roses (spoiler alert, obviously):
Robin, Holly, Erin S (I really heard her name as Arroness and will now call her that), Amanda R (she's got the meeps, y'all), Kelly, Amy, Kristine (I swear that in real life, that girl wears high-waisted jeans, and spends a lot of time brushing her pony, Trixie), Marshana (seriously), Noelle, and Shayne.
Poor Michelle P, Carri and Erin H are going home. But don't you worry, Michelle P (the redheaded singer) has a cat she's looking forward to seeing. Just one cat I'm sure (ahem). Her cat is the love of her life, no kidding. She's probably making up a song to sing to her cat right now. That would console her, singing to her cat, while her cat (coincidentally renamed Matt) purrs against her leg. Brilliant.
So we're only two episodes in and it feels too serious already. The girls are dramatic and asking about his intentions already and the Bach is saying all the right things. But the question is - is he just saying those things to settle the drama down, or because he's sincere? Maybe we'll find out more next week. One thing we know for sure - Marshana gets a fat lip playing rugby (and I mean fatter than her lips already are) and needs an ambulance. Love it.
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