Bachelor London Calling Episode Seven: Three Girls Stand Before Matt, But Only Two Can Continue

Let me begin tonight’s blog by telling you how fortunate I
am. Seriously. I’m off from work, living the dream in Maui,
attending a wedding, enjoying amazing sushi, swimming, surfing and being lazy
and all that. Before I left home, I set
up the PVR to tape the Bach, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to watch it until
I returned home. But, I have recently
learned to never doubt the power of the Internet. All the stars have aligned and have allowed
me to watch the full episode of the Bach, while sipping a Corona and lounging on my lanai (hooray for
wireless internet and ABC.com). Good
times, good times.

What struck me as the most interesting is that this week,
the Bach and his girls are in Barbados,
which looks quite similar to where I’m at. So much so, that I’m imagining I might run into the Bach out in the
ocean, or walking down the beach, or renting snorkeling equipment or
whatever. Obviously, that won’t happen,
because Barbados is not Kihei, but it’s no coincidence that we’re both in tropical locales this
week. For me, this means that I’m
destined to work on the Bach, or an equally entertaining reality show. Call me
crazy.

So we’re down to three girls – Shayne, Amanda, and
Chelsea. The show begins with a
voiceover from Chris-Bot, getting us pumped up for the finale, where ABC
promises us a wedding proposal. Actually, they show a clip of the Bach proposing, down on one knee,
holding the hand of a girl. Who’s hand
is it? Is it Shayne? Amanda? Chelsea?
Chris-Bot? Random girl to throw us all off the scent? Regardless, we are guaranteed a proposal, not
like the debacle that was last season’s Bach. Poor Brad Womack. I’m hoping that
he’s somewhere in Texas,
maybe at one of his bars, making each one of his patrons do a shot of tequila
each time Matt says the word brilliant. I’d play that drinking game. And
I’d win.

But let’s get down to business:

You Could Be My Little Monkey

The first date is with Shayne, who is, all things
considered, my favourite contender. The
Bach readily admits that he is smitten with Shayne, and the date opens with the
Bach walking down the beach, with surf hitting his legs. Someone forgot to tell Matt that he should
have worn shorts; the full length khakis (and probably galoshes or something
equally stodgy on his feet) are getting soaked and covered with sand. But Shayne doesn’t care. The two go jet skiing (don’t worry, he
changes out of the khakis for the jet skiing), and then come across a
trampoline in the middle of the ocean, where Shayne impresses the Bach with her
gymnastic prowess. Their chemisty is
brilliant (one tequila). Next, they go
for dinner and re-enact an on-screen kiss with Brad Pitt, since the Bach
wonders what it will be like when Shayne is a famous actress and making out
with Brad Pitt in movies. Now, I like
Shayne as much as the next girl, but that ain’t never gonna happen. Besides, Shayne doesn’t care for Brad Pitt.
Anymore. Then they have the ‘serious
talk’ about feelings and love and connections and Matt says Shayne could be his
little monkey.  She opens up and says
she’s falling in love; he says the same; the fantasy card comes out and she
accepts, after some fake hesitation on her part. The private villa they head off to is
gorgeous; just brilliant (two tequila).

I Can’t Think of a Witty Line for Amanda

Amanda’s a nice enough girl and all, but she does seem to
fall flat on this date, and so, I couldn’t think of a witty title for this
date. They go ziplining, which is great
since they’re both scared of heights and the Bach thinks it’s really sexy to
conquer fears together. Amanda gets the
hiccups and Matt keeps telling her she’s doing a ‘good job, honey’, except that
I keep hearing ‘good job, Connie’ so to me, this date is doomed. She finally opens up to him on the serious
part of the date, and doesn’t hesitate when he offers up the fantasy card. In fact (and wow, would I love to be an
editor on this show), she actually says “I was, like, really excited when he
pulled…it…out…and offered it to me” Are
we still talking about the card?

Chelsea
Replaced by a Turtle on the Most. Exciting. Bachelor. Twist.Ever

The Bach and Chelsea go on a catamaran for the active part
of the date. The Bach is worried that
the date won’t go very well; and he’s right. Although he thinks Chelsea’s
parents rocked, that meeting her parents was brilliant (three tequilas), the
date is awkward. He tries to hold her
hand and she tells him that the whole fingers overlapping thing is stupid. Um. Fun. Where is the rapport, Bach,
where’s the massive chemistry that they had in Durango? Gone. Up next, they go
snorkeling and meet up with some turtles. The Bach touches a turtle, he is riding along in the water with the turtle,
their eyes meet, he is, in fact, closer physically to the turtle than he gets
with Chelsea. In fact, he’s thinking he might just hand
over a rose to this turtle. He has to be
dragged out of the water and away from the turtle to head off to the next part
of the date, dinner with Chelsea. He doesn’t want to go. At dinner, he confronts her, and Chels admits
that she’s distancing herself because of the other girls (I smell a cop
out). He seems reassured, and presents
the fantasy suite card. She accepts
without hesitation. This was the same
girl who, a few weeks back, made up her own fantasy card and presented to
him. At the fantasy suite, Chels slips
into something more comfortable (as a romantic surprise for the Bach), and I’m
impressed by the camera work. What was
the point of this scene? Dropping her sundress and putting on a different
dress? Weird. Anyhow, it doesn’t matter
what I think, the Bach loves it and he is 3 for 3 on these dates.

The Bach is Confused by all this American Slang

The Rose Ceremony is quick business, after all, he only has
two roses to fork over. Chelsea is a bit embarassed, she was doing the walk of
shame in last night’s black dress when she stumbled upon the camera crew and
realized that it was time for the Rose Ceremony. And where is Chris-Bot? Doesn’t he get to go to Barbados? First rose goes to Shayne (hooray), second
rose goes to Chelsea (and out in the ocean, a turtle's heart breaks). Poor Amanda. They walk off
together, and he gives her the usual spiel, telling her ‘you’re ridiculously
warm, genuine, you actually have everything I was looking for’ (long pause)
‘BUT’ (longer pause) ‘my heart told me that I had a closer connection with the
other two’. Then he continues on to tell
her that 100% of what he’s told her is true. She retorts with the best phrase ever, which unfortunately had to be
bleeped out (is bleep even a word?): ‘You’re a complete douchebag’. I’m not kidding, she called him a
douchebag. The Bach looks confused for a
moment, I guess this is too much American slang for his blood, but then he
looks hurt and apologizes. They get up
out of the super-flattering Barbados
sunlight, and walk off to the limo. Game
over for Amanda.

Next week: Recap show. Ug.

 

 

Survivor Micronesia Episode Eleven: Why A Girl Won't Win Fans Vs. Favourites

Well...it's possible that a girl might win this survivor.  Likely, almost.  But after tonight's episode, I was not proud to be a girl.  Warning: There are some spoilers, and some swears in this blog.

Tonight it hit me.  I had my head down, writing down some notes for the blog, and I heard Erik’s voice.  And it sounded familiar.  Later, I was watching 30 Rock and it hit me:

Oh, I know, they don’t look a lot alike, not right now anyway, but just wait until the reunion. Maybe an older brother-younger brother type thing.  Plus Ozzy will be wearing his striped tank – a little too Where’s Waldo at the beach for me.  Colby sitting in the audience on a motorcycle.  Rupert with his (what else) tie-dyed rainbow shirt. Should be a good reunion.  Or the same old reunion that they always have, and I’ll just tune in for that 10-minute period of time where Jeff has tallied the votes and he’s about to announce the sole Survivor.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves:

Day 28

Everyone’s back at camp discussing the blindsiding of Ozzy.  Erik is glad that no one let him in on the secret, because there is noooo way he could have kept it.  Good call, Erik.  James liked it; he thought it was a great move (at least that’s what the subtitles tell me).  Parv has some major damage control to take care of.  She flirts it up with James, but is somewhat unsuccessful.  He’s just not buying it this time, and thinks Parv is selfish (but not stupid).  I think she’s both selfish and stupid.  Why, you ask?  When James outright asked her who she was taking to the final three, without hesitation she said ‘the girls’.  Now, unless James is one of the girls, she just made a stupid move. Hooray for James, though, he is still my favourite.  Next, Parv and Amanda have a Gilmore Girls moment, although Amanda later reveals to the camera that she was faking it and is still angry, and Cirie interrupts to get in on the action and the three make an alliance.

Conclusion: I like James more than ever, and hate Cirie more than ever.

Survivor Auction – No Tree Mail Required

Cirie gets a hot dog and fries.  Erik trades octopus for nachos.  Nat buys bat soup for $240 and doesn’t eat it; but James slurps it up. Amanda buys a PB&J sandwich.  Nat gets a message in a bottle, which tells her to send someone to Exile Island.  She chooses Jason, who doesn’t want to go, to which Nat says to no one in particular ‘Why he trippin’ dawg?’.  With that, I begin my soon-to-be rapid descent into hate for Nat.  Finally, Nat buys a chocolate cake, which she gets to share with three others (Par, Alexis, Cirie).  What follows can only be described as the most repulsive scene on television.  And I used to watch Fear Factor, back in the day when not every female contestant had fake breasts and they ate buffalo testicles for lunch, and this chick-on-cake scene made my stomach turn.  And then – Erik – licked Cirie’s fingers.  And paid her to do it! Shudder.  James is also disgusted.

Conclusion: I continue to like James, Nat is a bit of a stone cold bitch (her words, not mine) and I will never eat another ice cream scooped by Erik.

Nat throws the ‘B’ word around; Jason finds a real idol

Ok, I’m a girl.  I get girl power.  I’m all about girl power, really.  So I should be happy that some of the guys are getting played on this show, but I’m not.  I should be happy that a girl (Nat) is masterminding most of it, but I’m not.  Here’s why:
1.    Nat swears too much
2.    Nat calls Jason ‘bitch’, not ‘a bitch’, just ‘bitch’.  Don’t like it.
3.    Nat and her girl posse sit around camp doing nothing, only to do nothing in reward/immunity challenges.
4.    Nat’s forgotten that everyone who she backstabs now (which seems to be everyone), is going to be voting against her at the jury.
5.    Nat snoops through Jason’s bag for the idol.
6.    Nat talks about flossing her teeth with someone’s jugular.  Good lord, do I even have to comment about that? 
7.    Nat pats herself on the back for ‘masterminding’ the voting out of Jason, the most naïve and innocent player on the show. Ever.  Way to go, sister, you’re awesome (not).

Just once I’d like to see a girl come in and compete head-to-head with guys at challenges and win, and play the game slightly more honestly and with a bit of foresight into how the game plays out and ends.  But we’ll see, Nat could prove me wrong.  In the meantime, my dislike of her grows exponentially.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I can’t speak about Nat again, except maybe to make fun of her fake breasts.  See you on Fear Factor, sistah!

Day 29
Jason finds the real idol on Exile Island.  If I were him, I’d wear it proudly around my neck when I headed back to camp, instead of hiding it in my bag.

Day 30
Erik’s 22nd birthday AND the Immunity Challenge.  Just like Christmas!  Today’s immunity challenge involves a lot of recycled material from previous challenges, literally.  There’s some rocks, tiles, puzzle pieces, keys, wheels, and planks, all laid out over an obstacle course. Nat and her girl posse (see above) are out right away.  In the final leg of the course, it’s Erik and James, and it’s tense, people.  So much so, that I actually look away for a moment; I can’t stand it!  In the end, Erik wins.  Hooray!

After the challenge, the girls are ecstatic; they jump around camp like a bunch of girl guides or something.  Jason leaves to go swimming and has his bag groped (not in the good way) back at camp.  Then Jason sits around with the girls, braiding hair and talking about getting picked up my dudes.  It’s like, so much fun!  Poor sweet naïve Jason, he’s far too innocent for this show.  He makes Nat’s ‘job’ so much easier. 

Tribal Council
The only good thing about TC is when James outs Parv as the one who turned on the alliance to vote for Ozzy.  Gold.  I love James more than ever.  The rest was fairly boring, and no, Jason didn’t play his real idol, so he got voted out.  Surprisingly, Nat voted for James. 

Next week: James seduces a medic. Don't forget to listen to Erik's voice and think of Kenneth from 30 Rock!

Alan Alda - 2     Amanda - 3     Ami - 3     Eliza - 1     Nat - 2     Yap Women - 12

ANTM Cycle 10 Episode Ten: Hell to the No

After last week's over-hyped episode, where the most exciting part was Lauren chipping a nail and Fatima having to wait for the mailman, I wasn't super excited about this week's show.  But, you know, they're in Italy and all, and I'm a sucker for accents.  Tonight's show did not disappoint.  Or should I say, did-a not-a disappoint-a me (now that, my friends, is a bad accent).

The girls cruise through the airport and soon they are on a tour of Rome.  Their bus driver drops them off near the Coliseum and as they get off the bus, Anya falls.  Or in Hawaiian dialect, 'eats it'.  The tour is pretty cool, but really, they're only in the most beautiful city in the world, after all.  Soon, their bus driver hands them their first Tyra Mail, and how cute, Ty Ty has morphed herself into the Mona Lisa.  Modesty is Ms. Banks’ middle name, after all.

Anyhoo, the first Tyra Mail instructs the girls to check out their new pad, and it's pretty cool: there's a pool in the middle of it, but the girls are still all stuffed into one bedroom.  Still.  It's in Rome.  So no complaints.

Fat crawls into bed right away; she's a bit sick.  The other girls are sitting around the table talking about Fat and Anya feels badly that the other girls are being so catty, so she gets up to look after Fat.  Right then, I sense that Anya might win this whole damn thing.  I also sense that Dominique has the worst hair ever.  Even worse than my own prized afro.

The next morning, the girls wake to Lauren banging around the apartment, and also the second Tyra Mail (more Mona/Tyra Lisa).  I notice that only one girl gets to read the Tyra Mail out loud now, none of this reading-in-union business.  The card says: Be careful how you roll. You may miss the beauty in Rome'.  Anya, bless her blonde heart, is always the first to guess what the mail means.  She thinks they're going to row, row, row their boat, gently down the Seine.  Well, Dom is a little bit funky with her pronunciation, so it's possible that she read 'Be careful how you row'.  But not to worry, the subtitles show the truth: Anya is an idiot.

The girls leave and meet up with some dude who is from the House of Gai Mattiolo.  I love that about designers, they have 'Houses'.  Classic.  Anyhow, this dude from Gai's House takes the girls on a spin around Rome, where they check out random Italian women standing on the streets, looking chic and gorgeous.  My (limited) experiences of Italy evoke a different memory.  By that, I mean:

How I remember Italian women:

Not that Italian women aren’t gorgeous, but my memories are more about groups of Italian men loitering in groups, smoking cigars, and each talking loudly over each other.  Not too many women around. But it doesn’t matter what I think; it matters what Gai (that’s pronounced guy) thinks.  And Gai thinks he wants the girls to dress up like Italian women and strut around and he’ll judge them and make comments:

Fat – ‘elegant’
Dom – ‘natural; unfresh’
Kat – ‘beautiful’
Anya – ‘blonde, skinny’
Whit – ‘American, beautiful face’…of course Whit takes this as a personal affront to plus-sized models
Lauren – ‘how do you say…awkward?’

Anya wins a silver dress and the gals are jealous.  Back to the house where a third Tyra mail is waiting (I swear, they must have gotten a deal on those Mona Lisa cards) and this one reads: Facile, Brezza, Bella.  Brilliant Kat cracks the da Vinci code: Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Cover Girl!  Hooray!  The girls are going to do their Cover Girl Commercials! In Italian! Double Hooray!  I’m going to ease back on my couch and take a sip of my vino, because this is going to be entertaining, I just feel it.  Bring. It. On.

At the shoot, Jay is sipping a cappuccino with one his boy toys when the girls walk in.  And they are nervous, girlfriends, because they have to walk and talk. AT THE SAME TIME.  I’m giddy.

Anya’s up first and her Italian is pretty bad.  She does look good, though, if you mute your television.  Up next is Kat.  I think Kat does pretty well, and it’s obvious she knows how to speak another language.  Then my old friend Dom is up to bat.  Dom, Dom, Dom, when will she learn?  She is literally puking out words that she’s hoping are Italian and all I hear is ‘caliente – novo- tata – nintendo – focaccia – parmesan’.  Nice work, Dom.  Way to represent.  Then we have Lauren.  I was really afraid that she was really going to bomb at this, and she did.  Sooo awkward.  And by that I mean imbarazzante, goffo, impacciato (oh yeah, I googled it).  Fat did really well – she rocked it in one take.  And finally Whit, who faked it in about six or eight takes.

The girls get back to the house just in time to read the fourth Tyra Mail, which lets them know that tomorrow is judging time.  At the start of the judging panel, Tyra begins with a little lesson about Italy for the dumb viewers at home.  Three points:
1.    High fashion is haute couture in French and alta moda in Italian.
2.    The Spanish Steps are pretty cool
3.    Tyra has done four runways down the Spanish Steps (see point 2).

Everyone’s best take on the CG commercial is reviewed and it’s the usual: the girls are giggly, Paulina’s brutal, Miss J can’t stop laughing, Tyra thinks she’s objective and constructive, Nigel and the Italian guy take it way too seriously.  Yawn.  I did enjoy Tyra’s fake accent, particularly when she was talking about working with Gai – it was meant to be Italian, but came out sounding more Jamaican, mon.  Miss J sums up Lauren’s performance by holding up a sign, ‘Hell to the No’.  Katrazyna is a bit snotty about how her name is pronounced, but Tyra is indifferent.  If Tyra wants to pronounce it more like guitar-shin-ah than Katrazyna, than Kat will just have to suck it up, sistah.  Nobody disses TyTy like that.

The judges deliberate and Fat, Kat, Anya, Dom, and Whit (who barely scraped by) are still on the road to becoming America’s Next Top Model.  Stay tuned for next week, when Whit becomes Xena, and Anya becomes Gabrielle.

Bachelor London Calling Episode Six: Meet the Fokkers

The one thing I gotta say about the Bach is that he knows how to charm the parents.  He's well-mannered, comfortable...very charming.  Makes it look too easy, actually.  Remember last season, with divorcee Bettina and her dad, Stephen King?  Sigh.  I miss that dad.

Please, Join Me For Some Cheese
That's what Shayne said, at the start of her and the Bach's hometown date.  At first, I really thought they would have a nice wine and cheese plate, but no, Shayne wants the Bach to meet her dad, Lorenzo Lamas, first.

Before the cheese comes in, Shayne gives Matt a lesson in how to pronounce her dad's last name.  Llama?  Lamaze?  Lemur? Lame-ass?  Finally the Bach gets it right.  And phew, just in time, in comes Lorenzo himself.

Now, all jokes aside, I like Shayne.  I like Shayne and the Bach together.  I really think they have the best chance.  Call me crazy, but I do. And Lorenzo...well...he comes off looking like a pretty good dad.  I know, it surprised me, too.  There was that awkward moment when Pappa Lamas starts foaming at the mouth about Shayne wanting to be on TV, but both Shayne and the Bach nip it in the bud pretty quickly.  I'm relieved because I want Shayne to get a rose.

Muppets + Botox = Yowza!
You know how they say a guy should check out a girl's mom to see what she'll look like in twenty years?  Yeah.  This one is an interesting case study, to say the least.  Mamma Michelle's a firecracker - leopard print, boobs, fake eyelashes, boobalicious, saggy arms, frozen face.  And the lips - you know those old-school pencil thin moustaches?  Think John Waters and you'll know what I mean.  I didn't think women could have those moustaches, but, hey, I've been wrong before.

Regardless, don't judge a damn cougar by her cover!  Michelle turns out to be a good mom - she cooks a British meal (right down to the Yorkshire pudding) and shows some old video of Shayne that wins the Bach over even more.  More points for Shayne!

The Bach Hopes for Another Fake Fantasy Suite Date Card in Durango

The trip to Durango, Colorado to visit Chelsea and meet her parents is a pretty quick one.  Not sure what to make of that one.  Is he not into Chelsea?  Is she still too giggly and not 'opening up' to him?  Not sure.  I am sure that sitting on a cold metal bench in the middle of winter does not make for a fun date, and yet Matt and Chelsea do so.  I'm also sure that Chelsea's parents (mostly the dad - because the mom doesn't make much of an appearance) seem to be pretty good people.  I am a fan of dads - the good ones, not the Stephen King one from last season - mostly because my own is so important to me, so I'm happy to see a cool dad talk to his daughter about love.  Aside from that, this date did nothing for me, not even when her and the Bach dressed up in cowboy & saloon girl costumes (don't worry - the Bach was not a saloon girl) and strolled down the street.  Yawn!

Noelle is Too Delicate for This Show
I like Noelle, I really do.  But let's face it: she is not right for this show.  I can't imagine her even applying for it.  What was she thinking when she put together her essay and sent it off to Chris-Bot?  Seriously.  I imagine her sitting by a window in the bedroom loft in her parents house, gazing out at her horses on the ranch, a fresh sheet of foolscap (oh yeah, foolscap) and a sharpened pencil, trying to think how to carefully craft her application so she gets in hand.  Probably written in longhand, just for good measure, if you will. She just doesn't seem to be into the show, or into the Bach.  And not for lack of trying, on both sides.  The Bach shows off his charm and grace when his horse stops short in front of her family.  And wow - does Noelle ever look like her mom.  The family is great, Noelle is great, the Bach cracks a few jokes, especially a brilliant one about how flexible he is, and yet the date still falls short.  Or stops short.  (nice)

When Good Pranks Happen to Good People
The final meet-the-parents date is with Amanda and her family.  Sly Amanda has decided to craft a prank for the unsuspecting Bach: she has hired some actors to pretend to be her mom and dad, and they're over the top.  I'm one part disappointed and two parts impressed.  Disappointed because I really thought someone's mom was going to be caressing Matt's nipple, and impressed because the prank is pretty ballsy.  And it works.  The Bach is uncomfortable, awkward, trying his best to be charming, even when Fake-Mom is climbing all over him, smelling his neck, rubbing his leg, and they get caught by Fake-Dad.  I thought for a second that he might be upset with Amanda, but no, she's scores big points for this one.  He thinks it's just a brilliant prank, can't believe he got played, but knows how to laugh at himself. 

And Then There Were Three
Before I know it, we're at the Rose Ceremony.  There's no schmoozing beforehand, no last chance to meet with the Bach, just straight to the line up, the small silver tray and three red roses mocking the girls from across the room.  In comes the Bach (Sidebar: he looks quite handsome in his pinstripe suit) and gives the usual banter about how he didn't sleep last night, what a brilliant time he had meeting everyone's family, how difficult this is, yadda yadda yadda, Noelle doesn't get a rose.

I've finally got Chris-Bot's routine down to a science: steps out, looking grim, hands clasped, "Ladies", hands unclasp, arms extend slightly and then back together, look to the Bach, "Matt", looks back to the ladies, "This is the Final Rose".  What a job.  I think this show could use a female host or at least a more involved Chris-Bot. Someone to spice it up, Jeff Probst style, asking the girls pointed questions at the Rose Ceremony before bringing in the Bach to dole out roses.

Next week: Barbados.  A little fun in the sun before taking two gals back to meet his parents.  Let's see if he can go three-for-three on the fantasy suite dates, shall we? 

ANTM Cycle 10: Episode Nine - Tyra wants to save the world and 'the Iraq'

After last week's recap show (which was beyond weak, in my opinion - there weren't any never-before-seen scenes, it was all just recycled filler), I was a bit reluctant to watch this week's episode.  I'm still on my bandwagon about this being the last cycle of ANTM.  We'll see, people, we will see.

Seven girls remain: Whitney, Lauren, Stacey-Ann, Dominique (seriously), Fatima, Katrazyna, and Anya.  At the start of the show, the girls are milling about, some talking to the camera, some chatting, and some anticipating leaving the country on a modeling trip.  I swear, the number of times the word 'abroad' comes up in this episode... Fatima is stressed if they have to go abroad (oh yeah, I'm throwing that word into the blog as much as possible), because she's not an american citizen and doesn't have the right travel documents.  She's panicking a little, but she's got lawyers on the phone and such.  I think she's doing all that she can, and probably the producers what to stir up some drama in an otherwise fairly dry show.

And then, Paulina is pushing through the door to hang with the girls in the apartment.  She's there to give the girls a lesson in...speaking to people.  Scenario 1: Paulina is a famous and important person named Miss Dubois (I'm not kidding, this is like sixth-grade drama class, here) and she owns a cosmetics company, let's call it, oh I don't know, Jabot cosmetics. Each of the girls has to pretend to talk to this famous Miss Dubois to practice their social skills.  Why not just take the girls to an etiquette class?  This is a pretty sad scene.  Anya does well, Stacy-Ann is a bit fake, Lauren is awkward (quelle surprise), Katrazyna is a waitress, and Dominique forgets to call her Miss Dubois.  I don't think I could say Miss Dubois out loud without laughing.  Say it yourself, right now, out loud, and try not to laugh: Miss Dubois (pronouced Doo-bwa). In the second scenario, Paulina pretends to be a bubbly interviewer and asks the girls some media questions.  Nothing too crazy except that Whitney is a bit too much like a pageant contestant.

The next morning, Whit and her posse are making potato latkes (yum!), Dominique is painting her face, Stacy-Ann is posing, and then Lauren cuts herself while chopping an onion.  It's apparently so bad that she has to go to the hospital.  Again, I'm wondering if this is just more drama-rama cooked up to make the show 'interesting'.  Soon Lauren is back with a vengeance...and a bandaged thumb.  Then, a mystery box shows up.  It's full of lemons and limes and another box.  Inside the second box is an invite: Jay Godfrey and 7-Up have teamed up to have a green-carpet event (so trendy, this environmental schtick) and the girls are invited.  A party, fun!

A few moments later, Courtney Kish, Jay Godfrey's Head of Styling, is at the door and along with her wobbly voice, has brought a bunch of dresses for the girls to wear to the party.  Fun!  The girls get tarted up and they're off in the Fab Cab.  At the party, Paulina and her hubby Ric Ocasek walk the green carpet, as does Jay, Miss J, and Nigel.  I seem to be missing Tyra, I don't think she was there.  Then the girls walk the carpet, one at a time, and they're quickly interviewed by Lara Spencer from the Insider.  No surprises with the interviews, Whitney's a little too fake, Dom gets the designer's name wrong (Jay Georgio, she says.  Seriously, Dominique), and Lauren's a bit awkward...and also swears.

There's a lot of schmoozing at the party and each of the girls tries to work it.  The only worthwhile scene at the party is when Lauren and Nigel were chatting and you can spot Miss J in the background, with his bedazzled hood pulled up over his head.  Anya is apparently the most social one in the group, because she 'wins' this challenge and gets a 7-up photo shoot.  She leaves for the shoot immediately, and it involves lying in a tub of lemons and limes and sipping 7-Up.  She does get paid $10,000 however, so that's not so bad. As a bit of a sidebar, 7-Up is now promoting themselves as a 100% 'natural' drink.  What?  Also - if you visit their website, you can send a burp email to one of your friends.  What the ?

The next day, Fatima gets an appointment with the consulate to get her paperwork sorted out - she wants to go abroad after all - and then...Tyra Mail!  The girls breakdown in this one; they can't read it in unison, they're too excited: 'There's no time to lag, so pack up fast or you'll miss your connection'.  They're going abroad, baby!  Fatima is half packed before she remembers that she doesn't have travel documents.  Poor Fatima.  The girls drag their suitcases and drive off to the airport.  They pull up to the airport and Jay is waiting for them.  The girls are so excited but ANTM, those dirty pranksters, have tricked the girls.  There's no trip abroad (hee hee), just a photo shoot at the airport.  Everyone's sad.  Everyone that is, but Fatima, who is off to her consulate appointment, and might miss the shoot.  The photo shoot carries on, and they finish before Fatima gets back.  However, we know that Fatima's finally got her papers and is rushing back to the airport.  Jay tells them to head inside the hangar to warm up after the shoot and the girls hustle inside. 

Surprise!  It's a judging panel.  And right after the judging, the six remaining girls will fly abroad, to their currently undisclosed location.  Fatima runs in to the judging panel just as they're getting started (coincidence or editing?).  As for the pictures, I think all the girls look pretty good except for Dominique (looking like a Sears model) and Stacy-Ann (who's a little over the top).  Tyra tells Whitney she shouldn't talk and act like a pageant queen, and how many models does Whitney know that talk like: 'I want to save the world..and the Iraq'.  Um, yeah, Tyra, smart.

The judges deliberate and decide that even though Fatima missed the shoot, they would judge her on her entire body of work.  Fatima had some good pictures, except for her meat shot, which was pretty much whickety whack (right from the mouth of Tyra).  Anya, Lauren, Dominique, Katarzyna and Whitney are all safe.  Stacey-Ann and Fatima stand before Tyra, and then Tyra pulls out a blank piece of paper (it's meant to represent Fatima, which I think is brilliant on a lot of levels), and Stacey-Ann is sent home.  A bit unfair (I think) that Fat gets a pass to go abroad.  Okay, I'm done with that word, abroad.

And then, the girls learn that the plane behind the judges panel is not for them, but for the 'star' judges, and that the girls will be flying on a commercial plane...to Rome! 

Next week: the cover girl commercials.  Finally, speaking challenges!

Survivor Micronesia Episode Ten: Shut Yer Yap

Can we talk, mano-a-mano, for a moment?  Or I guess, womano-a-mano, since I'm a girl and all.  I'm a big Survivor fan.  Huge.  But to be honest, I probably couldn't name more than three past winners of Survivor.  I think if many other fans were honest, they might admit the same.  It's not that I don't love Survivor, I totally do, it's just that by the time the finale rolls around, I don't seem to care.  All the drama's been played out and everyone's too friendly at the finale.  I think I'm just more into the game play, during the actual game.  I hate the final jury, hate the cheesy sequence of Jeff, flying into real time to tally the final votes, all the celebrity sightings in the live studio audience, all that.  But, I love episodes like tonight.  LOVE THEM.  If any of you out there were on the fence about  watching tonight's episode (like I was), trust me.  Trust me.  Watch this one.  It's gold.

Ok - now that that's off my chest - let's begin with a short recap of where we're at from last week:

Ozzy got outed as having the real idol by Eliza.
Eliza is now the first member of the jury; but don't worry, her eyes continue to bug out.
Amanda's mad at Parvarti for setting up an alliance without her.
Amanda might be a bit jealous of Alexis because she flirts with Ozzy.
Jason beat Ozzy at the last immunity challenge and finally Ozzy has some competition.
Jeff still is wearing a blue shirt and khaki pants.

Okay - we're all together now...Survivor's ready?

After Tribal Council, in the weird voodoo night light, Jason tries to pretend that he knew the idol was fake all along.  But he's just damn lucky to still be around.  And as usual, everyone (mostly Cirie) is having what I call Voter's Remorse, because they realize that they just had a chance to vote Ozzy out and didn't take it....there's always some remorse after tribal council.

The next morning (Day 25):
Ozzy apparently sleeps with his eyes open.  Either that or he's dead.  Wait a minute...he just sleeps with his eyes open.  Jason is sitting on the beach, looking like a human ape - he's eating some coconut, staring off into the distance without blinking, scratching absentmindedly at his face, and then ambling down the beach on all fours.  Well..maybe not that last part. 

The next scene gets me excited - it's that overhead circling shot so we know there's a challenge brewing.  A challenge and we're barely into the show! Hooray!  The reward challenge involves: water, a net course, swimming, a memory game, and some teamwork.  Wanna know what we're playing for?  The winning team of four gets an overnighter to Yap Island.  The challenge is pretty uneventful and the team of Ozzy, Erik, Jason, and Amanda win.  They head off to Yap Island, while the other team goes back to camp and Cirie heads off to Exile Island.

At first I thought Yap Island might be fairly remote, but then I noticed that a few of the locals had glasses on, so obviously there's been some contact with the 'outside' world.  And then I googled it, and found there are a quite a lot of tours to Yap, including the one I think CBS sprung for, and now I feel a bit gypped.  Did they just win an overpriced tourist trap, like a luau?  Hmm...

Anyways - the tourist trap looks pretty cool regardless.  They get a good meal and Erik has the time of his life.  He drinks beer and eats betel nuts, gets a bit high, sees a lot of 'boobs', and then pukes.  All in all, a good time.  And yes, I know I put quotes around boobs there, but seriously, that's what Erik said 'That's the most boobs I've seen in my whole life'.  I counted - 12 sets of Yap boobs for Erik.  Of course, they're grayed out for the kids at home.  Of course.

Exile Island (Day 26)
Poor Cirie is out on Exile Island.  She doesn't have much to do since it's pouring rain and she's pretty sure that Ozzy already has the idol. So she just tries to stay dry and plots revenge....

Dabu (Day 27)
James is up early and is cranky that his three compadres are still sleeping.  So he's starts banging away on a stick and wakes up Parvarti.  She's cranky because James woke her up.  Trouble in paradise between these two, I guess.  Soon the winning team comes back and all Ozzy can do is talk about how much food they ate.  How many seasons do you have to watch to know not to do this?  Just once I wish they'd come back and not say anything.  Just once.

Immunity Challenge: Last Man Standing (Day 27)
Jeff recites his usual lines:
Come on in, guys.
We'll now bring in Cirie, back from Exile Island (Sidebar: why does everyone applaud here? Weird)
You guys ready to get to today's immunity challenge?
First thing's first, Jason, I need to take back the immunity necklace
Once again, Immunity is Back. Up. For. Grabs.

Today's challenge: balance, water, stamina, sore arm/shoulder, and temptation

Everyone lines up with arm outstretched above their hand; if they pull their arm down, a barrel of water (why was the water different colours for everyone?) will pour on them and they're out.  Last man standing wins.  At the 20-minute mark, Jeff brings out a bowl of candy and Cirie and Erik surrender.  They want candy!  They like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater!  Or, more likely, they like week-old gummy bears that are stale and as hard as cardboard.  But I'd probably fold, too.  And I swear at this point that James says "What the Nickelodeon is going on 'round here?"  Every other time he speaks, they've got the subtitles, but not this time.

At the 45-minute mark, Jeff comes out with his arm behind his back, and Alexis prematurely pulls her arm down; she's so excited.  But Jeff won't give her reward; she's out.  And pouty!  Wow, girlfriend.  The reward is a chocolate chip cookie and some milk.  Natalie goes for it. She's out (and flashes the crowd).  James is so busy yapping (sorry, Yap Island inhabitants...Yappers?) that he too pulls his arm down and is out.

At the 1 hour mark, Ozzy goes for 3 chocolate donuts.  Now we're down to Parv, Amanda, and Jason.  Next, 3 hours.  Then, 5 hours.  Amanda has to pee so she's out.  Then sprints off into the bush to go to the bathroom.  Then, 6 hours.  Jeff brings a tray of sugar and chocolate and peanut butter and beer and pizza and milk.  Jeff announces that if someone goes for it, he/she and the rest of the tribe will enjoy this goody platter, while the last man standing will not enjoy any treats, but will have immunity. The rest of the tribe promise not to vote Jason out if he bails and takes the reward.  Not sure why Jason is the target, but whatever.  Each of them promise not to vote for Jason and Alexis and Cirie actually cross their fingers behind their backs as they say it.  Good grief, people.  They probably don't step on cracks in sidewalks, either.  Puhlease.  However...Jason goes for it - takes a big risk and hands immunity to Parvarti and shares a feast with the rest of the tribe.  Will they stay with their word and not vote for Jason?

Sun set (Day 27)
Back at camp, Ozzy and James beat their chests like Neanderthals and talk about the stupidity of Jason.  It seems fairly obvious that Jason will go home with a landslide of votes against him.  But wait! What's this?  The girls are scheming (sans Amanda) to vote for Ozzy.  My interest is peaked.  Will they be smart enough to do this?  Will Parv betray an alliance and vote for Ozzy?  Will Ozzy play his idol?  Exciting.

Tribal Council (Day 27)
'We'll now bring out the jury'.  Eliza tramps out, eyes bugging out.  The usual tribal banter.  I don't care about it; get to the vote, get to the vote.  I'm so impatient!  As a bit of a sidebar, James is still my favourite.  He don't talk real pretty but he's pretty perceptive (and yes, I get the bad grammar in the last sentence before anyone points it out to me).  I hope James goes far.  The votes are in; Jeff will go tally the votes; once the votes have been read; the decision is final; the person voted out will be asked to leave immediately.  I can't wait, I can't wait!  The first votes are pretty boring and soon we are at 4 votes Jason, 2 votes Ozzy.  And then - another vote for Ozzy.  And then - ANOTHER vote for Ozzy.  And then...

...OZZY IS VOTED OUT.  WOW.  Eliza's eyes literally fall out of her head.  I'm standing about 5 inches from the TV, shaking my head.  Love this show.  Just love it.  Ozzy is, of course, bitter.  He pretty much hates the person that voted him out.  (Just quoting Ozzy, y'all).  I'm loving it.  See - this is why I love the show - the drama.  Because you just know at the finale/reunion Ozzy will be all smiles and loving Parvarti and nothing will matter.  But tonight, a different story.  Sweet blindsided Ozzy. 

Oh, and an update on who's winning the grayed out body parts contest:
Alan Alda - 2    Amanda - 3    Ami - 3    Eliza - 1    Nat - 1    Yap Women - 12

Bachelor London Calling Episode Five: Idaho? No. Chelsea's the ho.

Come on.  You knew I'd go there with the title.  It's brilliant.  The best part of tonight's episode were the previews for next week's home town dates.  I know - I thought it too: home town dates already?  We are on episode five, people, and after tonight we'll be down to four lucky ladies. And one smooth talking son of a...

ABC producers chose champagne over heating the house
Chris-Bot comes in, looking even more casual than last week's purple shirt debacle and the girls are lounging around, in parkas, long underwear (or 'long johns' if you grew up where I did), hands wrapped around mugs filled with hot coffee, wearing warm woolen mittens, and talking about brown paper packages tied up with strings.  But really, these girls are bundled up.  C-B explains that there is no date box (I'm floored.  No date box?), because they're heading to Idaho.  Jeez. They could have easily brought in a sack of potatoes and called it a date box.  Lazy.  The girls pack up and head off to Idaho.

The Bach usually skis in Frawnce, but he's excited to ski in America.  Everyone breaks spontaneously into a snowball fight, face plants, etc, and Noelle gets slam dunked into the snow.  It was...(pause)...brilliant.  Even prissy Marshana gets a dip into the snow.  Then they break for champagne.

Chelsea steals an idea from the page of Chris-Bot and plays a card
The first date box arrives: A kitschy sled with something else in it that we don't see (a blanket?).  Chelsea gets the date - a sleigh ride with some big-ass horses (that's right, I went there) and a dude who says 'Tally Ho' and isn't joking about it.  I would hate to be the guy driving this sleigh.  Worst.Job.Ever.  Chelsea's not into public displays of affection.  The Bach is worried.  I am worried.  But my fears are soon put to rest when I learn that Chelsea is very into private displays of affection. Back at a random hotel suite, the Bach tells Chelsea that he doesn't like her sense of humour - too dry and sarcastic.  I just about hit the roof. I was ready to hate him - ready to go hyperanalytical about what a jerk he is - when he tells Chelsea he was joking.  Nice.  And I like him again.  He likes Chelsea; in fact he completely digs her.  Apparently this is the magic word for her, because she leaves the room, pulls out a piece of paper with the hotel logo at the top and makes up her own fantasy suite card.  I really wanted the Bach to leave some mystery and not show us the note (mostly so that I could make up something smutty), but they don't.  The Bach is smooth - he doesn't actually do anything and he's got girls inviting themselves back to his suite.

Robin seals her own fate by skulking on the slopes; The Bach is smoooooth
The second date box arrives: A heart transplant cooler.  Seriously - what does a cooler have to do with skiing?  Apparently I missed something.  This is a group date with Amanda, Robin, Marshana, and Shayne.  The Bach begins the date by telling the camera that there are two virgins on the date.  We get it Bach, you got some action last night, simmer down, cowboy! But of course he's just being brilliant, he actually meant two ski virgins.  Marshana and Amanda have never skied before.  Amanda does well and Marshana does terribly.  Shayne and the Bach make out on the lift before she snowboards circles around him and retouching her make up.  Shayne continues to be my favourite.  Robin is glaring from further up the slope, and she tries to make a smooth entrance down the hill to interrupt them.  Good grief, it's sad.  Robin wonders why she hasn't had a one-on-one date and the Bach delivers his best line, forever confirming that he's the smoothest.Bach.ever: Robin didn't get a one-on-one date because their chemistry was so solid right from the start that he didn't feel he needed more time with her.  Silly, Robin.  If a dude actually felt great chemistry with you, he'd probably do anything to get as much time as he could with you.

Someone stole Chris-Bot's cup of hot chocolate...and the snowman he spent all morning making...
To make the third date box of course!  Noelle and the Bach are going ice skating and then snuggling.  All sarcasm aside, a great date.  An outdoor skating rink all to yourselves, white lights in the trees around the rink, clear sky, cold weather, some hot chocolate, and then a fire with some champagne.  Solid date.  Unfortunately, neither of them can skate.  'Robots on Ice', says the Bachelor, and someone, somewhere, just got an idea for yet another reality show.  Noelle and the Bach bond over discussions of car accidents and the Bach declares that Noelle is 'just a brilliant person'.

Drama-Rama
Back at the house, I notice some of the girls are wearing matching toques.  Oh, and there's a catfight.  I don't even care what it's about - I just know that my dislike of Robin and Marshana is growing.  Marshana is upset because Chelsea is misquoting her, and you will not misquote Marshana, she will not have it.  No, she won't.  There's some hand waving, stomping, clapping, talking to the hand, and a lot of 'WALK OFF', 'WALK OFF'.  I'd be out of there in a second.  Actually, strike that, I wouldn't be there at all.

Up next, everyone's back from Idaho and it's the night of the rose ceremony.  Marshana's sealing her fate by telling the Bach how bad the other girls are.  Marshana, save that crap for your girlfriends, boys don't want to hear gossip like that. Chelsea interrupts and Marshana lingers.  At this point, I don't know who I hate more: Chelsea or Marshana? Or maybe the entire show?  Robin speaks up by saying that Marsh's logic is imprenatable. So smart, Robin, so smart.  Shayne has a moment of alone time with the Bach and he wipes some hair from her face.  This dude is textbook with the moves.  But it obviously works; it would work on me.  Sigh.

Chris Tings the Glass
And it's time to give out four roses.  Who will be going home and who will continue on their dream of marrying a British Bachelor?  The Bach begins to pace like a motivational speaker when he's talking with the girls.  And then...the roses.  Shayne, Noelle, Chelsea and Amanda.  I loved the smirk that Amanda gave to Robin.  Sweet.  Marshana handles the rejection well, she did give it her all, she got in a pool, she played rugby.  What more could she have done?  Robin gives the Bach a death stare, says Bon Nuit, and tromps off.  Nice.

Next week: Nipples are caressed.  I kid you not.  And not Lorenzo Lamas' nipples mind you; but the Bach's.  By someone's mom.  I'll leave you with that.

Survivor Micronesia Episode Nine: If I'm a Monkey, Will Ozzy Be My Zookeeper?

Survivor is an interesting beast for me.  For the first 20 minutes or so of every episode I find myself questioning why I watch it.  Same format, same drama, fairly predictable, and yet I watch it.  But by the end of the episode I’m into it. Someday all of this watching of ridiculous reality television had better pay off for me.

The show begins with the aftermath of voting out Ami.  We are seeing more of Ozzy’s arrogant side: “If she’d stuck with me, she’d still be here”.  Arrogant, but true.  We also see a lot of people in the spooky night-light.  Erik actually looks better in the night-light, and I’m beginning to wonder how he’ll clean up for the reunion show.  His mother had better force him to get a haircut.  And maybe put on a little bit of weight.  At the other camp, in the night-light, Eliza’s eyes continue to grow bigger and bigger; someday they will merge into one big ball.  Creepy.  Her and Jason bond over the fact that they both annoy people.

 

Day 22 – Tree Mail!

The tree mail tells each tribe that they are to move to a new location for a feast and to meet up with the other tribe.  What? No Jeff to tell them ‘drop their buffs’?  Disappointing.  Parv tells Alexis and Natalie that they, along with Amanda, will be part of a new alliance at the merge.  Parv is scheming overtime…so much so that she’s in a hot pickle.  Maybe even a triple pickle.  I’m not even going to touch that one. I’ll wait until she poses for Playboy and then I might pull out the triple pickle jokes then.

At the feast, James both gains my respect and makes me ill by eating a furry-faced bat.  Like eating a chicken wing, or more aptly, like eating a ‘juicy rabbit’.  The merged tribe also tries to come up with a new name, and what do you know, Dabu is Micronesian for good, and Fo’shizzle is Micronesian for moron.  This is quite the move by Erik, which will get him nowhere strategically (probably the opposite), but very entertaining no less.  Not only is dabu not the right word, I’m pretty sure ‘Micronesian’ isn’t even a language.  Kind of like saying ‘ooga booga’ is Canadian for superstar. I especially enjoy when Alexis tells Jeff the new tribe name and explains its meaning.  There’s that brief moment where you can literally see Jeff biting his tongue.

Some drinking ensues, Alexis gives Ozzy ‘the eye’ and all of a sudden they are snuggling off in the distance, Ozzy pulling out his best lines: ‘You smell good’.  I guess, out on the island, the bar is set pretty damn low.  Amanda is, of course, jealous because Ozzy promised to love her forever and ever.  Amanda is ready to vote out Alexis in a heartbeat, but really, if she were smart, she get rid of Ozzy ASAP.  The girls on this show really need to smarten up and start using more complex strategy than just batting eyelashes at their hero, Mr. Oz.  Speaking of which, Ozzy is really starting to emerge as a cult leader. I predict that if (when?) he wins individual immunity, he’ll be sporting that necklace and be perched on top of a rock, glaring down at his minions.  Or…he will set up shop inside the bat cave, put James out as guard, and everyone else will line up to speak with him to ask for his forgiveness.

Day 23

The tribes move back to their new camp.  Thankfully, the Dabu sign is raised, but we didn’t have to see it being painted. (Sidebar: apparently, during the Herbal Essences spa scene a couple of episodes back, they also got letters from home, but I think we missed that, too.)  Jason is flirting with Ozzy, hoping to form an alliance with him.  Or trying to make Ozzy fall in love. Whichever.  Jason wants Ozzy to teach him ‘how to throw a spear’.  Is that what the kids are calling it these days?  Lovely.  In the next scene, Jason is hiding his immunity idol.  Seriously.  He could just put it out on the beach with every other stick or piece of driftwood and I’m pretty sure it would stay hidden. Poor Jason, it’s painful to watch him foam at the mouth about his ‘idol’.  Thankfully, there’s a twist at the end and it’s brilliant.  Eliza and Parvarti are chatting on the beach, and Eliza is scrambling.  As much as I don’t like Eliza, Parvarti is starting to seriously annoy me as well.

Amanda and Parvarti meet up and have a Gilmore girl’s conversation.  You know the kind I mean: talking really fast and gushing and lots of ‘oh my god, did you see what Eliza was wearing today?’ and eye rolling and clinging and jumping around and such.  Nauseating.  But then – Amanda actually gets angry with Parvarti for forming an alliance with the girls without consulting her first. She’s livid, in fact.  Livid! She wishes she could confide this to Ozzy, and let’s face it, she probably will spill all to Oz any moment now.

Day 24

Nat and Alexis read the tree mail…and it’s an endurance challenge.  Jason promises Eliza the idol if he wins the challenge.  This could be brilliant.  Not brilliant the way they think it will be, but brilliant because it’s the fake idol, of course.

The challenge involves water, endurance, tide rising, and holding your breath.  Everyone’s in a line, holding on to a grate, partially submerged, and the tide is rising.  Before I know it, it’s just James, Ozzy and Jason left.  Then just Ozzy and Jason.  Ozzy bails.  And pukes.  And looks pretty green.  Which means that Jason has just won.  Which means that Eliza is going to get her hands on the idol. The fake idol.  Nice.  I’m leaning forward on the couch at this point, beginning to love it.

Back at camp, Eliza pulls out the fake idol and her stomach drops.  It’s the fake idol, but it’s too late, because she’s put all her eggs into one basket with Jason and forgot to have a plan B in case he didn’t win immunity (or have the real idol).  Survivor gold is about to happen.  I’m standing up off the couch at this point; really loving it. At tribal council, there’s a lot of talk about social game.  He got game.  She got game.  We got game.  Fight the power! But it really doesn’t matter because everyone’s voting for Eliza (even though Ozzy would probably be a better choice) and she’s about to play the fake idol.  Will she play it?  Please, please, please play it.  Pleeease.  And then – she plays it – Ozzy can barely hold back the laughter.  I actually can’t believe that Jeff keeps a straight face.  Eliza’s out and Jason’s the luckiest man on earth.

Bachelor London Calling Episode Four: "I'd be into me"

I've concluded that ABC has bought the home that the girls live in.  Maybe this was obvious, maybe not, but now every time they do those fly-by, from-the-helicopter shots of the house, I just see a bunch of trailers, a few tents set up for the staff, and a huge vat of champagne with a direct spout to the house, and I'm reminded again that this is just a show.  It's not real.  If I close my eyes and click my heels twice, I'll wake up and it will be over.  Given how the show plays out tonight, I wish it were that easy.

The show begins with the girls in their flannel jammies and Chris-Bot in a new purple shirt (finally ABC springs for some new wardrobe for Chris-Bot).  C-B explains how the dates will work this week and then bolts outside.  Maybe there's a jam in the champagne vat and he has to take care of it.  Seriously, these birds go through quite a bit of the good stuff.

The first date box is just a tennis racket case, filled with tennis shorts and tea cups.  Sounds like a brilliant date.  Robin graciously explains to the rest of the ladies that Wimpleton (that's how she pronounced it) and high tea go together.  She should know, what with that Contiki Tour to the UK she took when she was 18 (and now calls herself a world traveler) and the fact that her parents own a tea maker.  Should be a great home-town date, because you just know that they'll roll that thing out for jolly old Matt, and he'll have to pretend to love it.

The girls hit the courts, and of course, Ashlee is in a fur parka and black knee-high boots.  The Bach tells Ashlee he likes her because she takes everything in stride, but she's not sure if that's a compliment or not; in fact, she doesn't know what it means at all.  So...she just giggles...and sings. Kelly continues to remind me of Cameron Diaz and Shayne surprises everyone by demonstrating her gymnastic skills. After tennis, there is more champagne, some swans, and then high tea. 

The girls reaction to the high tea spread was 'just brilliant', and Robin shows just how brilliant she is by talking about tea.  Everyone is hating Robin, much like everyone hated DeAnna the last time around.  So I guess Robin will be one of the final two.  Her and Shayne probably.  After tea, more champagne.  These girls must be half-corked all the time.  Shayne makes Robin cry a little, but mostly it's because she's drunk.  No really, it's because Robin's never had a close girl friend before and she feels vulnerable around Shayne.  Maybe Shayne and Robin will hook up and tell the Bach to hit the road.  There seems to be a lot more emotion when the girls talk to each other than when they chat with the Bach.  I'm just sayin'.  Chelsea (who is reminding me more and more of Amanda Bynes each week) gets a rose.

The second date box is a piece of luggage and a hat box (I think).  Amanda gets the one-on-one date, and it's a '50s date.  Wow.  Um.  Great?  Holly helps Amanda get ready by doing her hair, but it's all for naught: the convertible ride soon kills all the backcombing and blow drying.  The Bach fully admits that the date is 'cheeseball' and that he feels like the Fonze, but they seem to have a good time.  Matt fancies a bit of a dance, so Amanda tries to teach him some moves.  He's pretty stodgy and I wonder if he's got a tie on under his pleather jacket.  Loosen up, dude!  The second part of the date is really cool (all sarcasm aside) - they get an amusement park to themselves.  Well, except for the crew of course.  But still, that would be fun.  Amanda easily gets a rose.

The third date box is a pressure cooker.  Finally - some subtle humour from the show....a  pressure cooker.  Nice.  A two-on-one date is the Worst.Idea.in.Bachelor.History.  Seriously, there is nothing good about this.  Nothing.  Makes men look bad, and women look horrible.  People behave very poorly all around.  The girls get into the limo, and for a second I think that Marshana has had some clever design inspiration and created a mock chef's hat.  Then I realize it's a real chef hat and I think of this:

In case I had to spell it out for you, I'm not a fan of Marshana.  Too much forehead.  The date begins with Matt asking how the girls feel about moving to the UK, and they both try to out do each other with their love of all things UK and wouldn't you know it, Marshana has already got a job in the UK, and Holly has bought herself a brilliant little flat, and the Bach's head keeps moving back and forth.  This is ugly.  I wonder why neither of the girls challenge him back and ask him a few questions.  There's some awkward kissing between Marsh and Matt (I actually had to look away) and then, two girls sit before Matt but only one can continue on...and then...wait for it...Marshana....gets the rose.  I'm literally standing up off the couch, and yelling at the tv at this point.  No, no, no.  This is bad. 

Bad.

Holly does give a good good-bye speech, and I make myself feel better by reminding myself that Holly will have plenty of chances to meet a great guy, but let's be honest about Marshana: this is pretty much it for her.

And then, the evening of the Rose Ceremony, and the girls are vying for the Bach's attention.  Shayne and Chelsea are my favourites. Marshana has got way too much gold going on. Seriously.  Enough with it, Marshana, you can put it away now.  Ashlee's one-on-one is so painfully awkward that I'm loving it, and Noelle is not feeling very connnected to him.  The Bach is a bit uptight during this part of the show, he really needs to relax a little, be a little more patient.  Kelly forgot to comb her hair and makes the dreadful mistake of sitting with her arms crossed.  The Bach actually physically moves her arms apart.  Jerk.  But then she crosses them again.  And then, pulls her dress down and makes sure the Bach knows what 'big boobs' she has.  If you didn't watch the show, and think I'm just making this up, trust me, I'm not.  Google it if you really don't believe me.  There is cupping involved. I'm not kidding.  She must have sucked that champagne vat dry.  The Bach's response: I'm worried about being a stuffy Brit around you.  Let me put your worries to rest, Matt, you are being a stuffy Brit.

At the rose ceremony (only 3 roses to hand out!), C-B reminds us that Chelsea, Amanda, and Marshana have nothing to worry about.  I beg to differ, Chris-Bot, Marshana has A LOT to worry about.  After the first two roses are handed out, Chris-Bot comes out, says his piece (Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose - he even does the same hand gesture each time - check it out next week), and Kelly and Ashlee are sent home.  Or to the bar to continue to get hammered.  At least that's where Kelly is heading.  Ashlee is really upset that Matt only thinks of her as a songwriter.  So upset that she has written a song about him (the irony is not lost on me), and the song is so powerful, it's more powerful than words even (I do not kid).  And then...a pause...a deep breath...and then...a bit of a song that turns into a bit of spoken word, if you will.  But it's still powerful.  Um.

Next week - the girls and the Bach go skiing and Marshana really goes off the deep end.  I'm sure it will be brilliant.

Boys Gone (Not So) Wild: More Bach updates

Awhile back I posted a small historical blog to recap all the Bach's that were on the show.  This was before ABC aired their so-called 'homage' to the Bachelors, and to this day, I have not seen that episode.  I have heard that it was a bit lame, in that it didn't actually give updates on all the Bachelors, and there was a lot of Trista and Ryan. Hellooo?  Trista was a Bachelorette, she shouldn't have even been on there.  Anyways, I recently have been coming across some finds on the internet about some of our old Bach's, so thought I might update some of them now.

First:
Andy Baldwin.  Oh, Andy.  US NAVY doctor, triathlete, humanitarian.  I'm not making this up: Andy has his own website, and don't worry, he can be booked for speaking engagements.  Phew.  I especially love how his manager/agent welcomes you to the site by stating that the website has been up and running since 2002.  Why doesn't she say what she means: this website has been up and running since way before Andy turned to the dark side and sold his soul to Chris-Bot and our friends at ABC.

There's more.  This is gold.  Thanks to Ryan for sending this my way:


Not sure where this fits: doctor, triathlete, or humanitarian?  And yes, Marla Maples has definitely moved up since the Donald.

Up next:
Brad Womack.  I kind of miss Brad, but he's been busy running a bunch 'o bars in Austin with his brothers.  Their names are: The Chuggin' Monkey, The Thirsty Nickel, The Marq, and The Dizzy Rooster.  I'd make some crack joke about how those are the names of his brothers, not his bars, but that is too weak, even for me.  I'll admit that, if I happened to find myself in Austin, I might check out one or two of the bars, but I can't imagine DeAnna at any of them...well, maybe the Marq.  Her greek grandpa would totally hit up the Chuggin' Monkey, though, and he would own that place it.  Own it.

And then:
Jesse Palmer.  I think Jesse's done well for himself, blogging for TSN, and most recently spotted on eTalk Daily as their New York correspondent.


Nice, Mr. Palmer, Nice.

Then:
Bob Guiney.  Bob is now hosting a TLC show called Date My House.  Cheeky monkey.  I was never into Bob when he was the Bach, so I'm not sure if I'll check this show out or not.  I don't really get the premise: are people just cleaning up their houses so they'll sell more quickly?  Yeah...good plan.

And finally:
Because every pet deserves the Royal Treatment, Prince Lorenzo continues to develop his pet spa line of products.  Go Lorenzo!  I don't have a pet, but I could see people eating this up (not literally, of course).

So...just a quick update on some of our old friends.  Perhaps one day Chris-Bot will have an old boys club reunion and invite all the boys back to his place to watch sports, drink scotch and reminisce about their time together on the Bach.

Further proof that Tom is trying to turn Katie into himself

Survivor Micronesia Episode Eight: I Smell A Rat

I started the show a tiny bit late and thought for a second the producers were trying to be cheeky, you know, a little Blair Witch Project ripoff, what with Cirie and Ami trudging slowly through the woods, weird lighting, wondering what might jump out of the bush.  They really should have added the sound of a baby crying instead of just having a stupid crab walking around town.  That crab had every right to be there, and then Ami killed it.  Nice. I do like crab legs, mind you, but only when they are warm and buttered and dead.  But that's why I watch Survivor instead of apply to be on it.  Of course, I'm not a US citizen either, so I can't apply anyways, but I'm way off course here.

Ozzy is indignant that people think he's the leader.  Indignant and also feigning paranoia.  His reverse psychological stylings are weak, in my opinion, but they appear to be working on his tribe mates.  They actually reassure him that nothing is wrong, he's safe, no need to worry. Of course he's safe, we all know that he's orchestrating the whole damn show.  Plus he's got the immunity idol (the real one...poor Jason).  I wonder how far he'll take that idol - perhaps he'll try to use it at the live finale show, after everyone's cleaned up and even Jeffy will be wearing a freshly laundered blue shirt, khaki's, and ivory-tooth-on-a-string necklace that he's been sporting since day one.

At the other tribe, Jason kills a rat.  A real rat.  I almost throw up.  Again, a reason why I watch the show in my rat-free home and not participate.  The rat is then strung up (to drain the blood?) and the camera gets a nice shot of the long rat tail.  Remember rat tail hairstyles? Hot. James is nowhere to be seen in this scene of rat killing; he doesn't like getting blood on his hands.  But he is lying on the beach, complaining to his gal pal that the conditions are deplorable.  There's generally no other word that you can use to describe conditions when they are bad, other than deplorable, let me tell you.  Since the untimely departure of Alan Alda, I've declared James to be my favourite, and a finale with Ozzy and James would be, quite honestly, the Best Survivor Ever.  Next, Parvarti is trying to scheme with Natalie. I'm struggling to understand how I could be eight episodes in and still not know who Natalie is.

Over at Airai, Eliza breaks the rules by reading the tree mail while not in the presence of the rest of the tribe.  Quite the rebel that Eliza.  This week, there is only going to be one challenge.  To begin with, each tribe must select one person from the other tribe to sit out of the challenge; this person will go straight to Exile Island but be back in time for the vote; however, they will also automatically get individual immunity.  The reward/tribal immunity challenge itself involves the usual: water, balancing, rain, flags, nets, etc.  I find myself wondering what it takes to get hired on at Survivor as one of those people that demonstrates the challenges (of course, they only appear on tv from the knees down). 

Ozzy and Eliza are picked to go to Exile Island.  I really like Alexis, I really want her to outsmart Ozzy on Exile and figure out that maybe he's got the idol sticking out of his hat.  But no...they do find the spot where Ozzy's fake idol should have been and Ozzy is pleased that it is gone.  He starts to wonder who has it.  I am enjoying Ozzy's glee at this; it does make the show interesting.

Back at the challenge, it's basically an Erik v. Jason show.  These guys could easily be brothers.  Erik takes a really hard hit but he gets back up again and keeps on going.  He's like a eight-year old kid who doesn't know when to quit.  But he's got to give it his all, or he knows he's going home.  Jason dominates the challenge and I know what he's thinking: "All you suckers who made fun of me for being a gymnast...IN YO FACE!"  Jason leads his tribe to victory, and the tribe gets to enjoy pizza and beer.  I'm a bit surprised they didn't show any drunk scenes back at camp, but oh well.  Just James opening a beer bottle with his teeth, and Jason falling in love with him for it. And as much as I don't mind Erik, I think it would have been much more entertaining to see Jason v. Ozzy in that challenge.

At the other tribe, Erik is desperate.  Not only does he play all his cards to Cirie and Amanda, he plays Ami's as well. I still can't believe Cirie is still around.  If I were on the show, the thought of groveling to Cirie makes me shudder.  I'd rather eat that rat, tie a knot with it's tail (by just using my tongue, of course), spit it into Cirie's face, and swim off into the distance (or over to Exile Island) than grovel to her.  But Erik is not me and I am not Erik.  So he's trying as hard as he can to make his case.  Ami is getting paranoid in the background.  She grabs her machete and starts to strut around with it.  Erik is glad to see his mentor Ozzy come back, and he is quick to tell Ozzy about Ami's manipulative ways.  A shadow passes across Ozzy's face and he goes cold.  Ain't nobody going to mess with Ozzy.  Nobody.  It's clear at this point that, 1 - Ami is going home and 2 - Ozzy definitely controls the game.  If he didn't control the game, he might have considered giving Erik the immunity idol to keep him in.  But there was no need to, Ami didn't have a chance.  Even all the sad tears at tribal council couldn't save her.

Next week - James dumps Parvati for Jason (that beer cap thing won Jason over), Ozzy dumps Amanda for Alexis (after their sojourn on Exile Island), and Erik and Amanda form an alliance (based on their jealousy of Alexis).  Cirie is left once again to be the swing vote.  Eliza finally injures herself getting out of bed and has to go home. Alan Alda comes back and replaces Jeff as host.

Or:

The tribes merge, buffs will be dropped, challenges will be done, immunity rewarded and someone goes home.  You tell me which show you'd rather watch.

ANTM Cycle 10: Episode Seven - Come and go-see

I think this may be the last cycle of ANTM.

Wow.

I'm ready to eat my words, people, but don't get me wrong, tonight's episode was a little...dry. Plus I read on the 'Net that Ty Ty wants out of the show. So, either they are grooming (no pun intended) Paulina to take over the show, or Cycle 10 is the last. It would honestly surprise me if Ty Ty came back. I'm just not feeling it this time around. I didn't get fired up tonight as I usually do for this show. It feels like everyone, even the judges, are starting to phone it in for the episodes. Sigh. Am I going to have start watching Girlicious or Rock of Love just to start foaming at the mouth again?

The episode begins with the usual recap of last week's show. And then there is the usual conflict with Dominique and Whitney. I think the producers are trying to beat a dead horse. It's pretty boring, actually, Dominique thinking that Whitney can't deal with Dominique because Dom has 'confidence and a can-do attitude', and Whitney doesn't. Seriously, Dominique. Then Fatima and Lauren start it up. They spat about coffee, but all I can pay attention to is the handwritten note on the fridge door behind them. I'm not kidding, it says: 'Close Fridge Door All the Way. Press on the door'. Except someone originally misspelled 'on the door' so that part is crossed out and re-written. I wondered if that will get auctioned off on Ebay, because I would bid. Maybe 50 cents. Canadian. But really, how dumb are these birds that they need a note on the fridge to explain how to close it?

Whitney reads a goodbye letter from the sweet Mormon, Aimee, and the girls diss Claire. The usual banter and then...Tyra Mail. Screaming, and I notice that now the girls are even starting to use hand gestures as they read. 'If you don't make it here, you won't make it anywhere. Luuuuuuvvvvv Tyra!' Although someone mentions that she thinks this mail means they're going to Broadway, it actually means that they're going on the infamous 'go-sees'. Now, I don't know about you, but these always are boring for me. Not sure why. I just don't care about watching girls navigate around NYC (for the record, I think Manhattan is pretty easy to navigate) and try on some clothes at random design 'houses' that I've never heard of. But I'll watch it. I won't say I'll like it, but I'll watch it.

The girls trot out with their handy Sprint GPS Cellphones (nice) and Claire is the designated navigator because she is the mom. I'm pretty sure there are non-moms in the world who also know directions and can get things done, but that kind of talk usually gets me in trouble. One of the go-sees is with some snobby designer who I was too lazy to remember the name of. Apparently this designer is looking for a model who is not too big (Whit), not too small (Fatima), just the size of...Stacey-Ann. What did you think I was going to say there? The other go-see was with Shoshanna Gruss (you guessed it, the ex-gal pal of none other than Jerome Seinfeld). Lauren looks more than awkward in the yellow frill bikini Shosh makes her try on. The third and final go-see is a very anticlimactic tie-breaker for the two teams, at Alice & Olivia. I'm not great at guessing ages, but this designer is about 12. She tells the models that they should feel free to do cartwheels as they model her clothes. I was disappointed that no one did, although I knew that Whit would not mess up again after that splits debacle a couple of episodes back. Lauren still looked awkward and walked like a horse. Kat finally gets that bob and I start to think I should get a bob. Kat and Whit are easily my favourites.

The next Tyra Mail: 'Put your best face forward but be careful not to get washed out'. Anya is excited and thinks they're going for a car wash shoot. Hot. But it's not a car wash. The girls get in the Fab Cab, head off to yet another warehouse, and are greeted by the Silver Fox/Silver Robot, walking on a huge treadmill, and then jumping through a barricade of cardboard boxes. I thought for a second the girls would be doing a runway show on the gigantor treadmill, but no. The girls will be reenacting an off-broadway show, Fuerzabloga, in which they will be lying in a puddle of water on a clear sheet of mylar, suspended 15 feet or so in the air. Wow, they are scraping the bottom of the barrel on this one. There will be no hair and no makeup, even though the hair guy is on set (if only to cut Kat's hair), and there are makeup people around (if only to wipe makeup off the girls' faces).

Claire is first up and basically sets the tone for the rest of the show. By that I mean that she literally lets herself fall face forward onto the sheet of mylar. She doesn't bend her knees or drop slowly - no - it's almost like she thought she was falling into a pool of water, not a one-inch puddle. I think she literally bounced off the mylar. The Silver Fox, who is underneath all the action, is holding a microphone (seriously, a microphone) and asks if she is okay. She is. It's hard to tell in this shoot who is doing well, because I think they all did crappy except for Whitney, who actually moved around a little, and showed some expression.

Finally - the judging panel! This episode did not give me a lot to blog with, let me tell you. The girls pics are reviewed, the usual catty comments, no surprises at all, Miss J is boring except for the red sequined brows, Nigel looked good (as always) and Claire goes home. Yawn.

Next week looks a little more exciting, since Lauren cuts her hand and Fatima gets deported. Stay tuned.

Bachelor London Calling Episode Three: Matt will be your Father Figure, he has had enough of crime

The episode begins as it always does, with the girls lounging around in formal shorts and stilettos, and talking about Matt. I wonder if they ever talk about anything else, like Chris-Bot or their jobs or their families. Do they ever check their email or call their families or watch tv? I guess that wouldn’t make for interesting television to watch, but still. I wonder.

Chris-Bot comes in, delivers his usual few lines and is off. He’s got to have the easiest job in Hollywood. He’s probably working on a novel up in the attic or something… I mean, other than his usual ‘Up Next’, ‘The Most Shocking <fill in the blank>, ‘Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose’, and his explanations of the kinds of dates there will be this week, what else is he doing? If he’s the one creating the date boxes, I’ll be very disappointed.

The first Date Box arrives. At first I thought that they had just pulled in the garbage can, thinking it was a date box, but it’s a movie reel tin, I guess. They are really starting to slide with the date boxes. Chris-Bot is just phoning them in this season. Soon I think they will do away with the date box altogether and just have something similar to another reality show, Matt Mail, with girls screaming and reading the mail in unison, slowly and painfully. Once again I am making my pitch to ABC to please, please, please, let me be the date box creator.

The first date is for Holly and it’s a one-on-one date at a movie premiere. In theory, this seems like a pretty cool date. Or, to quote the Bach, ‘A massive date; just brilliant’. Until I realize that it’s pretty much a faked premiere. I mean really, it’s the middle of the afternoon, there’s only a smattering of photographers there, and they have the theater to themselves. I’m pretty sure that the actual premiere is later that night, or maybe never. I actually googled the Mann Theatre, and the premiere is not listed there. Hmm…

The movie premiere part of the date was…interesting…Holly wasn’t sure whether to hold his hand or not, he laughed a little too loud (in my opinion) during the rom-com, and then he comforted her when she cried. The second part of the date is very cool – they head off across the street to the Roosevelt Hotel, and have some drinks on a brilliant rooftop terrace. I would love it there. Honestly, it’s quite spectacular. They have a good time up there, a really ‘brilliant’ chemistry is developing, Matt gets some action and Holly gets a rose. Simple, really.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date box arrives. Marshana, in her mauve terry cloth robe, stilettos, and gold headpiece bends over awkwardly to pick it up. It’s an ottoman. So obviously the girls are going on a rugby date. Shortly, the girls hear another doorbell, they run to the door screaming, and it’s Chris-Bot: ‘Tyra Mail’. Not. It’s actually a gift from the Mann Theatre, Holly & the Bach’s cement handprint. What a cruel, cruel prank, ABC. It’s not nice at all. I love it, of course I’m imagining Chris-Bot, dropping off the cement thingy at the door, ringing the doorbell, and then running for his life before someone answers the door. Hilarious.

And then, the rugby date. Good grief. It’s exactly what you’d expect, a little something for all the boys who are forced to watch this show with their girlfriends and wives. Tight t-shirts, short shorts, girls wrestling, girls rolling around in mud, bending over, etc. Chelsea complains about Ashlee wearing fake eyelashes to play rugby, but it’s okay that she’s got pink make up under her eyes, and is wearing the latest pink boy shorts from the Victoria’s Secret Spring ‘08 collection to ‘play’ rugby. I shouldn’t be so catty, because Chelsea seems like she’s actually playing.

Now, I swear that I rewound the Marshana injury scene about 15 times and came to the same conclusion each time: her gold part-covering headpiece must have caused the fat lip somehow, because no one else came near her. You’d think she had lost a limb, the way she dragged herself off the field, called for help, and then clung to the Bach like a parasite for the rest of the show. What is the attraction there? When he said that Marshana showed ‘great strength of character’ I just about threw up my sushi dinner. Seriously. How can you compliment someone’s character when they’ve degraded themselves to the point of appearing on a reality tv show to meet their ‘true love’, slapped on some short shorts and knee high socks and wrestled other women? Character. Right. Brilliant.

After rugby, the girls head back for part two of the date, which involves champagne, cannonballs into the pool, some hot tubbing, and the Bach gets a little private time with one of the girls, Kelly.  Actually, he gets a massage from Kelly. Kelly pulls out all the stops here, and I’ve decide she’s a fourth or fifth-rate Cameron Diaz. The voice, the hair, the ‘playful’ attitude, it's all there, just add in a heavy dose of something else more raunchy and you’ve got Kelly. Robin decides to step up her game, and Matt admits that he loves her because she’s so smart and beautiful, Matt gets some action and Robin gets a rose. Simple, really. Amanda gets some alone time with him and they talk about their mutual love of George Michael until Noelle and Leann Rimes interrupt them. Awkward.

The third date box arrives back at the house. It’s got a bottle of wine, and a wine glass. I think you can buy that date box at Costco. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Chris-Bot. Is that the best you could do? When Matt arrives to pick up Shayne, I love how the girls linger in the doorway to watch, and how they huddle outside to watch them drive away. Then there’s the awkward moment where Shayne waits for him to open the car door, and he has to come back around to do it. She wasn’t kidding about her high maintenance-ness (don’t worry, I made that word up). On their date, they walk down a cobblestone pathway, and thankfully Shayne wore her most comfortable boots (phew!). Even though Shayne’s high maintenance, a bit of a drama queen, and perhaps one sandwich short of a picnic (Oh Matt, you’re so drole), I find myself kind of liking Shayne. After she ‘sol’ the rose on the table, Matt gets some action and she gets a rose. Simple, really. This Bach is not too shy when it comes to kissing the girls, that’s for sure. Soon, he’ll be making out with Chris-Bot. Although that scene may be on the cutting room floor. Or on YouTube.

Some catfighting ensues back at the house, although thankfully there is no singing this time and then it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. There are some pretty bad outfits at the Rose Ceremony, and Kelly decides she needs to stand sideways the whole time. Arroness (the hot dog vendor), Amy, and Leann Rimes (aka Kristine) are out. Everyone gathers in the now infamous Bach Circle of Love and they all raise a glass of champagne to toast each other, except Marshana, who’s like a leetch, clinging to the Bach. Ug.