I've concluded that ABC has bought the home that the girls live in. Maybe this was obvious, maybe not, but now every time they do those fly-by, from-the-helicopter shots of the house, I just see a bunch of trailers, a few tents set up for the staff, and a huge vat of champagne with a direct spout to the house, and I'm reminded again that this is just a show. It's not real. If I close my eyes and click my heels twice, I'll wake up and it will be over. Given how the show plays out tonight, I wish it were that easy.
The show begins with the girls in their flannel jammies and Chris-Bot in a new purple shirt (finally ABC springs for some new wardrobe for Chris-Bot). C-B explains how the dates will work this week and then bolts outside. Maybe there's a jam in the champagne vat and he has to take care of it. Seriously, these birds go through quite a bit of the good stuff.
The first date box is just a tennis racket case, filled with tennis shorts and tea cups. Sounds like a brilliant date. Robin graciously explains to the rest of the ladies that Wimpleton (that's how she pronounced it) and high tea go together. She should know, what with that Contiki Tour to the UK she took when she was 18 (and now calls herself a world traveler) and the fact that her parents own a tea maker. Should be a great home-town date, because you just know that they'll roll that thing out for jolly old Matt, and he'll have to pretend to love it.
The girls hit the courts, and of course, Ashlee is in a fur parka and black knee-high boots. The Bach tells Ashlee he likes her because she takes everything in stride, but she's not sure if that's a compliment or not; in fact, she doesn't know what it means at all. So...she just giggles...and sings. Kelly continues to remind me of Cameron Diaz and Shayne surprises everyone by demonstrating her gymnastic skills. After tennis, there is more champagne, some swans, and then high tea.
The girls reaction to the high tea spread was 'just brilliant', and Robin shows just how brilliant she is by talking about tea. Everyone is hating Robin, much like everyone hated DeAnna the last time around. So I guess Robin will be one of the final two. Her and Shayne probably. After tea, more champagne. These girls must be half-corked all the time. Shayne makes Robin cry a little, but mostly it's because she's drunk. No really, it's because Robin's never had a close girl friend before and she feels vulnerable around Shayne. Maybe Shayne and Robin will hook up and tell the Bach to hit the road. There seems to be a lot more emotion when the girls talk to each other than when they chat with the Bach. I'm just sayin'. Chelsea (who is reminding me more and more of Amanda Bynes each week) gets a rose.
The second date box is a piece of luggage and a hat box (I think). Amanda gets the one-on-one date, and it's a '50s date. Wow. Um. Great? Holly helps Amanda get ready by doing her hair, but it's all for naught: the convertible ride soon kills all the backcombing and blow drying. The Bach fully admits that the date is 'cheeseball' and that he feels like the Fonze, but they seem to have a good time. Matt fancies a bit of a dance, so Amanda tries to teach him some moves. He's pretty stodgy and I wonder if he's got a tie on under his pleather jacket. Loosen up, dude! The second part of the date is really cool (all sarcasm aside) - they get an amusement park to themselves. Well, except for the crew of course. But still, that would be fun. Amanda easily gets a rose.
The third date box is a pressure cooker. Finally - some subtle humour from the show....a pressure cooker. Nice. A two-on-one date is the Worst.Idea.in.Bachelor.History. Seriously, there is nothing good about this. Nothing. Makes men look bad, and women look horrible. People behave very poorly all around. The girls get into the limo, and for a second I think that Marshana has had some clever design inspiration and created a mock chef's hat. Then I realize it's a real chef hat and I think of this:
In case I had to spell it out for you, I'm not a fan of Marshana. Too much forehead. The date begins with Matt asking how the girls feel about moving to the UK, and they both try to out do each other with their love of all things UK and wouldn't you know it, Marshana has already got a job in the UK, and Holly has bought herself a brilliant little flat, and the Bach's head keeps moving back and forth. This is ugly. I wonder why neither of the girls challenge him back and ask him a few questions. There's some awkward kissing between Marsh and Matt (I actually had to look away) and then, two girls sit before Matt but only one can continue on...and then...wait for it...Marshana....gets the rose. I'm literally standing up off the couch, and yelling at the tv at this point. No, no, no. This is bad.
Bad.
Holly does give a good good-bye speech, and I make myself feel better by reminding myself that Holly will have plenty of chances to meet a great guy, but let's be honest about Marshana: this is pretty much it for her.
And then, the evening of the Rose Ceremony, and the girls are vying for the Bach's attention. Shayne and Chelsea are my favourites. Marshana has got way too much gold going on. Seriously. Enough with it, Marshana, you can put it away now. Ashlee's one-on-one is so painfully awkward that I'm loving it, and Noelle is not feeling very connnected to him. The Bach is a bit uptight during this part of the show, he really needs to relax a little, be a little more patient. Kelly forgot to comb her hair and makes the dreadful mistake of sitting with her arms crossed. The Bach actually physically moves her arms apart. Jerk. But then she crosses them again. And then, pulls her dress down and makes sure the Bach knows what 'big boobs' she has. If you didn't watch the show, and think I'm just making this up, trust me, I'm not. Google it if you really don't believe me. There is cupping involved. I'm not kidding. She must have sucked that champagne vat dry. The Bach's response: I'm worried about being a stuffy Brit around you. Let me put your worries to rest, Matt, you are being a stuffy Brit.
At the rose ceremony (only 3 roses to hand out!), C-B reminds us that Chelsea, Amanda, and Marshana have nothing to worry about. I beg to differ, Chris-Bot, Marshana has A LOT to worry about. After the first two roses are handed out, Chris-Bot comes out, says his piece (Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose - he even does the same hand gesture each time - check it out next week), and Kelly and Ashlee are sent home. Or to the bar to continue to get hammered. At least that's where Kelly is heading. Ashlee is really upset that Matt only thinks of her as a songwriter. So upset that she has written a song about him (the irony is not lost on me), and the song is so powerful, it's more powerful than words even (I do not kid). And then...a pause...a deep breath...and then...a bit of a song that turns into a bit of spoken word, if you will. But it's still powerful. Um.
Next week - the girls and the Bach go skiing and Marshana really goes off the deep end. I'm sure it will be brilliant.
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