Let me begin tonight’s blog by telling you how fortunate I
am. Seriously. I’m off from work, living the dream in Maui,
attending a wedding, enjoying amazing sushi, swimming, surfing and being lazy
and all that. Before I left home, I set
up the PVR to tape the Bach, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to watch it until
I returned home. But, I have recently
learned to never doubt the power of the Internet. All the stars have aligned and have allowed
me to watch the full episode of the Bach, while sipping a Corona and lounging on my lanai (hooray for
wireless internet and ABC.com). Good
times, good times.
What struck me as the most interesting is that this week,
the Bach and his girls are in Barbados,
which looks quite similar to where I’m at. So much so, that I’m imagining I might run into the Bach out in the
ocean, or walking down the beach, or renting snorkeling equipment or
whatever. Obviously, that won’t happen,
because Barbados is not Kihei, but it’s no coincidence that we’re both in tropical locales this
week. For me, this means that I’m
destined to work on the Bach, or an equally entertaining reality show. Call me
crazy.
So we’re down to three girls – Shayne, Amanda, and
Chelsea. The show begins with a
voiceover from Chris-Bot, getting us pumped up for the finale, where ABC
promises us a wedding proposal. Actually, they show a clip of the Bach proposing, down on one knee,
holding the hand of a girl. Who’s hand
is it? Is it Shayne? Amanda? Chelsea?
Chris-Bot? Random girl to throw us all off the scent? Regardless, we are guaranteed a proposal, not
like the debacle that was last season’s Bach. Poor Brad Womack. I’m hoping that
he’s somewhere in Texas,
maybe at one of his bars, making each one of his patrons do a shot of tequila
each time Matt says the word brilliant. I’d play that drinking game. And
I’d win.
But let’s get down to business:
You Could Be My Little Monkey
The first date is with Shayne, who is, all things
considered, my favourite contender. The
Bach readily admits that he is smitten with Shayne, and the date opens with the
Bach walking down the beach, with surf hitting his legs. Someone forgot to tell Matt that he should
have worn shorts; the full length khakis (and probably galoshes or something
equally stodgy on his feet) are getting soaked and covered with sand. But Shayne doesn’t care. The two go jet skiing (don’t worry, he
changes out of the khakis for the jet skiing), and then come across a
trampoline in the middle of the ocean, where Shayne impresses the Bach with her
gymnastic prowess. Their chemisty is
brilliant (one tequila). Next, they go
for dinner and re-enact an on-screen kiss with Brad Pitt, since the Bach
wonders what it will be like when Shayne is a famous actress and making out
with Brad Pitt in movies. Now, I like
Shayne as much as the next girl, but that ain’t never gonna happen. Besides, Shayne doesn’t care for Brad Pitt.
Anymore. Then they have the ‘serious
talk’ about feelings and love and connections and Matt says Shayne could be his
little monkey. She opens up and says
she’s falling in love; he says the same; the fantasy card comes out and she
accepts, after some fake hesitation on her part. The private villa they head off to is
gorgeous; just brilliant (two tequila).
I Can’t Think of a Witty Line for Amanda
Amanda’s a nice enough girl and all, but she does seem to
fall flat on this date, and so, I couldn’t think of a witty title for this
date. They go ziplining, which is great
since they’re both scared of heights and the Bach thinks it’s really sexy to
conquer fears together. Amanda gets the
hiccups and Matt keeps telling her she’s doing a ‘good job, honey’, except that
I keep hearing ‘good job, Connie’ so to me, this date is doomed. She finally opens up to him on the serious
part of the date, and doesn’t hesitate when he offers up the fantasy card. In fact (and wow, would I love to be an
editor on this show), she actually says “I was, like, really excited when he
pulled…it…out…and offered it to me” Are
we still talking about the card?
Chelsea
Replaced by a Turtle on the Most. Exciting. Bachelor. Twist.Ever
The Bach and Chelsea go on a catamaran for the active part
of the date. The Bach is worried that
the date won’t go very well; and he’s right. Although he thinks Chelsea’s
parents rocked, that meeting her parents was brilliant (three tequilas), the
date is awkward. He tries to hold her
hand and she tells him that the whole fingers overlapping thing is stupid. Um. Fun. Where is the rapport, Bach,
where’s the massive chemistry that they had in Durango? Gone. Up next, they go
snorkeling and meet up with some turtles. The Bach touches a turtle, he is riding along in the water with the turtle,
their eyes meet, he is, in fact, closer physically to the turtle than he gets
with Chelsea. In fact, he’s thinking he might just hand
over a rose to this turtle. He has to be
dragged out of the water and away from the turtle to head off to the next part
of the date, dinner with Chelsea. He doesn’t want to go. At dinner, he confronts her, and Chels admits
that she’s distancing herself because of the other girls (I smell a cop
out). He seems reassured, and presents
the fantasy suite card. She accepts
without hesitation. This was the same
girl who, a few weeks back, made up her own fantasy card and presented to
him. At the fantasy suite, Chels slips
into something more comfortable (as a romantic surprise for the Bach), and I’m
impressed by the camera work. What was
the point of this scene? Dropping her sundress and putting on a different
dress? Weird. Anyhow, it doesn’t matter
what I think, the Bach loves it and he is 3 for 3 on these dates.
The Bach is Confused by all this American Slang
The Rose Ceremony is quick business, after all, he only has
two roses to fork over. Chelsea is a bit embarassed, she was doing the walk of
shame in last night’s black dress when she stumbled upon the camera crew and
realized that it was time for the Rose Ceremony. And where is Chris-Bot? Doesn’t he get to go to Barbados? First rose goes to Shayne (hooray), second
rose goes to Chelsea (and out in the ocean, a turtle's heart breaks). Poor Amanda. They walk off
together, and he gives her the usual spiel, telling her ‘you’re ridiculously
warm, genuine, you actually have everything I was looking for’ (long pause)
‘BUT’ (longer pause) ‘my heart told me that I had a closer connection with the
other two’. Then he continues on to tell
her that 100% of what he’s told her is true. She retorts with the best phrase ever, which unfortunately had to be
bleeped out (is bleep even a word?): ‘You’re a complete douchebag’. I’m not kidding, she called him a
douchebag. The Bach looks confused for a
moment, I guess this is too much American slang for his blood, but then he
looks hurt and apologizes. They get up
out of the super-flattering Barbados
sunlight, and walk off to the limo. Game
over for Amanda.
Next week: Recap show. Ug.
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