Bachelor London Calling Episode Six: Meet the Fokkers

The one thing I gotta say about the Bach is that he knows how to charm the parents.  He's well-mannered, comfortable...very charming.  Makes it look too easy, actually.  Remember last season, with divorcee Bettina and her dad, Stephen King?  Sigh.  I miss that dad.

Please, Join Me For Some Cheese
That's what Shayne said, at the start of her and the Bach's hometown date.  At first, I really thought they would have a nice wine and cheese plate, but no, Shayne wants the Bach to meet her dad, Lorenzo Lamas, first.

Before the cheese comes in, Shayne gives Matt a lesson in how to pronounce her dad's last name.  Llama?  Lamaze?  Lemur? Lame-ass?  Finally the Bach gets it right.  And phew, just in time, in comes Lorenzo himself.

Now, all jokes aside, I like Shayne.  I like Shayne and the Bach together.  I really think they have the best chance.  Call me crazy, but I do. And Lorenzo...well...he comes off looking like a pretty good dad.  I know, it surprised me, too.  There was that awkward moment when Pappa Lamas starts foaming at the mouth about Shayne wanting to be on TV, but both Shayne and the Bach nip it in the bud pretty quickly.  I'm relieved because I want Shayne to get a rose.

Muppets + Botox = Yowza!
You know how they say a guy should check out a girl's mom to see what she'll look like in twenty years?  Yeah.  This one is an interesting case study, to say the least.  Mamma Michelle's a firecracker - leopard print, boobs, fake eyelashes, boobalicious, saggy arms, frozen face.  And the lips - you know those old-school pencil thin moustaches?  Think John Waters and you'll know what I mean.  I didn't think women could have those moustaches, but, hey, I've been wrong before.

Regardless, don't judge a damn cougar by her cover!  Michelle turns out to be a good mom - she cooks a British meal (right down to the Yorkshire pudding) and shows some old video of Shayne that wins the Bach over even more.  More points for Shayne!

The Bach Hopes for Another Fake Fantasy Suite Date Card in Durango

The trip to Durango, Colorado to visit Chelsea and meet her parents is a pretty quick one.  Not sure what to make of that one.  Is he not into Chelsea?  Is she still too giggly and not 'opening up' to him?  Not sure.  I am sure that sitting on a cold metal bench in the middle of winter does not make for a fun date, and yet Matt and Chelsea do so.  I'm also sure that Chelsea's parents (mostly the dad - because the mom doesn't make much of an appearance) seem to be pretty good people.  I am a fan of dads - the good ones, not the Stephen King one from last season - mostly because my own is so important to me, so I'm happy to see a cool dad talk to his daughter about love.  Aside from that, this date did nothing for me, not even when her and the Bach dressed up in cowboy & saloon girl costumes (don't worry - the Bach was not a saloon girl) and strolled down the street.  Yawn!

Noelle is Too Delicate for This Show
I like Noelle, I really do.  But let's face it: she is not right for this show.  I can't imagine her even applying for it.  What was she thinking when she put together her essay and sent it off to Chris-Bot?  Seriously.  I imagine her sitting by a window in the bedroom loft in her parents house, gazing out at her horses on the ranch, a fresh sheet of foolscap (oh yeah, foolscap) and a sharpened pencil, trying to think how to carefully craft her application so she gets in hand.  Probably written in longhand, just for good measure, if you will. She just doesn't seem to be into the show, or into the Bach.  And not for lack of trying, on both sides.  The Bach shows off his charm and grace when his horse stops short in front of her family.  And wow - does Noelle ever look like her mom.  The family is great, Noelle is great, the Bach cracks a few jokes, especially a brilliant one about how flexible he is, and yet the date still falls short.  Or stops short.  (nice)

When Good Pranks Happen to Good People
The final meet-the-parents date is with Amanda and her family.  Sly Amanda has decided to craft a prank for the unsuspecting Bach: she has hired some actors to pretend to be her mom and dad, and they're over the top.  I'm one part disappointed and two parts impressed.  Disappointed because I really thought someone's mom was going to be caressing Matt's nipple, and impressed because the prank is pretty ballsy.  And it works.  The Bach is uncomfortable, awkward, trying his best to be charming, even when Fake-Mom is climbing all over him, smelling his neck, rubbing his leg, and they get caught by Fake-Dad.  I thought for a second that he might be upset with Amanda, but no, she's scores big points for this one.  He thinks it's just a brilliant prank, can't believe he got played, but knows how to laugh at himself. 

And Then There Were Three
Before I know it, we're at the Rose Ceremony.  There's no schmoozing beforehand, no last chance to meet with the Bach, just straight to the line up, the small silver tray and three red roses mocking the girls from across the room.  In comes the Bach (Sidebar: he looks quite handsome in his pinstripe suit) and gives the usual banter about how he didn't sleep last night, what a brilliant time he had meeting everyone's family, how difficult this is, yadda yadda yadda, Noelle doesn't get a rose.

I've finally got Chris-Bot's routine down to a science: steps out, looking grim, hands clasped, "Ladies", hands unclasp, arms extend slightly and then back together, look to the Bach, "Matt", looks back to the ladies, "This is the Final Rose".  What a job.  I think this show could use a female host or at least a more involved Chris-Bot. Someone to spice it up, Jeff Probst style, asking the girls pointed questions at the Rose Ceremony before bringing in the Bach to dole out roses.

Next week: Barbados.  A little fun in the sun before taking two gals back to meet his parents.  Let's see if he can go three-for-three on the fantasy suite dates, shall we?