The episode begins as it always does, with the girls lounging around in formal shorts and stilettos, and talking about Matt. I wonder if they ever talk about anything else, like Chris-Bot or their jobs or their families. Do they ever check their email or call their families or watch tv? I guess that wouldn’t make for interesting television to watch, but still. I wonder.
Chris-Bot comes in, delivers his usual few lines and is off. He’s got to have the easiest job in Hollywood. He’s probably working on a novel up in the attic or something… I mean, other than his usual ‘Up Next’, ‘The Most Shocking <fill in the blank>, ‘Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose’, and his explanations of the kinds of dates there will be this week, what else is he doing? If he’s the one creating the date boxes, I’ll be very disappointed.
The first Date Box arrives. At first I thought that they had just pulled in the garbage can, thinking it was a date box, but it’s a movie reel tin, I guess. They are really starting to slide with the date boxes. Chris-Bot is just phoning them in this season. Soon I think they will do away with the date box altogether and just have something similar to another reality show, Matt Mail, with girls screaming and reading the mail in unison, slowly and painfully. Once again I am making my pitch to ABC to please, please, please, let me be the date box creator.
The first date is for Holly and it’s a one-on-one date at a movie premiere. In theory, this seems like a pretty cool date. Or, to quote the Bach, ‘A massive date; just brilliant’. Until I realize that it’s pretty much a faked premiere. I mean really, it’s the middle of the afternoon, there’s only a smattering of photographers there, and they have the theater to themselves. I’m pretty sure that the actual premiere is later that night, or maybe never. I actually googled the Mann Theatre, and the premiere is not listed there. Hmm…
The movie premiere part of the date was…interesting…Holly wasn’t sure whether to hold his hand or not, he laughed a little too loud (in my opinion) during the rom-com, and then he comforted her when she cried. The second part of the date is very cool – they head off across the street to the Roosevelt Hotel, and have some drinks on a brilliant rooftop terrace. I would love it there. Honestly, it’s quite spectacular. They have a good time up there, a really ‘brilliant’ chemistry is developing, Matt gets some action and Holly gets a rose. Simple, really.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the second date box arrives. Marshana, in her mauve terry cloth robe, stilettos, and gold headpiece bends over awkwardly to pick it up. It’s an ottoman. So obviously the girls are going on a rugby date. Shortly, the girls hear another doorbell, they run to the door screaming, and it’s Chris-Bot: ‘Tyra Mail’. Not. It’s actually a gift from the Mann Theatre, Holly & the Bach’s cement handprint. What a cruel, cruel prank, ABC. It’s not nice at all. I love it, of course I’m imagining Chris-Bot, dropping off the cement thingy at the door, ringing the doorbell, and then running for his life before someone answers the door. Hilarious.
And then, the rugby date. Good grief. It’s exactly what you’d expect, a little something for all the boys who are forced to watch this show with their girlfriends and wives. Tight t-shirts, short shorts, girls wrestling, girls rolling around in mud, bending over, etc. Chelsea complains about Ashlee wearing fake eyelashes to play rugby, but it’s okay that she’s got pink make up under her eyes, and is wearing the latest pink boy shorts from the Victoria’s Secret Spring ‘08 collection to ‘play’ rugby. I shouldn’t be so catty, because Chelsea seems like she’s actually playing.
Now, I swear that I rewound the Marshana injury scene about 15 times and came to the same conclusion each time: her gold part-covering headpiece must have caused the fat lip somehow, because no one else came near her. You’d think she had lost a limb, the way she dragged herself off the field, called for help, and then clung to the Bach like a parasite for the rest of the show. What is the attraction there? When he said that Marshana showed ‘great strength of character’ I just about threw up my sushi dinner. Seriously. How can you compliment someone’s character when they’ve degraded themselves to the point of appearing on a reality tv show to meet their ‘true love’, slapped on some short shorts and knee high socks and wrestled other women? Character. Right. Brilliant.
After rugby, the girls head back for part two of the date, which involves champagne, cannonballs into the pool, some hot tubbing, and the Bach gets a little private time with one of the girls, Kelly. Actually, he gets a massage from Kelly. Kelly pulls out all the stops here, and I’ve decide she’s a fourth or fifth-rate Cameron Diaz. The voice, the hair, the ‘playful’ attitude, it's all there, just add in a heavy dose of something else more raunchy and you’ve got Kelly. Robin decides to step up her game, and Matt admits that he loves her because she’s so smart and beautiful, Matt gets some action and Robin gets a rose. Simple, really. Amanda gets some alone time with him and they talk about their mutual love of George Michael until Noelle and Leann Rimes interrupt them. Awkward.
The third date box arrives back at the house. It’s got a bottle of wine, and a wine glass. I think you can buy that date box at Costco. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Chris-Bot. Is that the best you could do? When Matt arrives to pick up Shayne, I love how the girls linger in the doorway to watch, and how they huddle outside to watch them drive away. Then there’s the awkward moment where Shayne waits for him to open the car door, and he has to come back around to do it. She wasn’t kidding about her high maintenance-ness (don’t worry, I made that word up). On their date, they walk down a cobblestone pathway, and thankfully Shayne wore her most comfortable boots (phew!). Even though Shayne’s high maintenance, a bit of a drama queen, and perhaps one sandwich short of a picnic (Oh Matt, you’re so drole), I find myself kind of liking Shayne. After she ‘sol’ the rose on the table, Matt gets some action and she gets a rose. Simple, really. This Bach is not too shy when it comes to kissing the girls, that’s for sure. Soon, he’ll be making out with Chris-Bot. Although that scene may be on the cutting room floor. Or on YouTube.
Some catfighting ensues back at the house, although thankfully there is no singing this time and then it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. There are some pretty bad outfits at the Rose Ceremony, and Kelly decides she needs to stand sideways the whole time. Arroness (the hot dog vendor), Amy, and Leann Rimes (aka Kristine) are out. Everyone gathers in the now infamous Bach Circle of Love and they all raise a glass of champagne to toast each other, except Marshana, who’s like a leetch, clinging to the Bach. Ug.
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