Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Two: Take Me Out to the Train Wreck

Again with the two-hour show.  This has got to end.  Not that I don’t love the show and enjoy the mocking of it, but two whole hours is a long time to drag the gong show on.  Tonight, my thoughts were a bit rambling.  So, to get right to it, I’m going to blog about the top 20 moments of tonight’s episode.  In no particular order other than roughly chronological, here we go:

1. I’m sort of enjoying the twist of having three boys at a time living in the house with DeAnna.  It creates some good tension, I think.  What I don’t really care for is the frat/pool house where the other cats live and sleep in bunk beds.  Can you imagine the smell of that place after, oh, a night or so?  Yikes.  Although the ‘Walk of Shame’ trail to get to said house is somewhat redeeming.


2. What is with the lack of creative date boxes?  Hello?  A group date with a magician, an evening flying a kite on the beach, and an afternoon at Dodger Stadium and all they could come up with was a recycled index card holder grabbed from the clearance aisle at WalMart?  Weak, Chris-Bot, weak.  If you’ve read my past blogs, you’d understand why the Date Box is such an issue with me


3. Sean, the martial artiste (yes, that is misspelled on purpose).  Sweating like a porn star and wearing a suit that is vaguely reminiscent of Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice is not going to score points with me.  It will, however, garner a rose from DeAnna.  The piano playing while he was trying to talk was great – that cat has got one short fuse, it does not take too much to rattle his nerves. 


4. Jason is winning me over.  He looks a bit like Enrique Iglesias, he loves his 3-year-old, and he seems to be communicating well with DeAnna, although I’m having a hard time reading her feelings for him.


5. The lame guys on this show.  Example one: the weak 'magic tricks' they do for DeAnna on the first group date at Magic Castle.  Sean cracks his knuckles, Ryan is a dork, Twilley puts on a fifty-act play and simultaneously tries out, and is rejected, for Last Comic Standing, and Richard (although he is still one of my faves) makes his second best flower for DeAnna.  Note to Richard: if a girl asks you if you've ever done something for/with another girl before, the answer is always the same - No.


6. I’m not sure where to begin with Ryan.  First of all, I’d like to say that I’m not a big fan.  I honestly don’t care if he’s saving himself for marriage or not.  I truthfully think it’s great that he’s doing that.  I also didn’t really enjoy how they played the over-the-top music when he was chatting about sex with the guys, like he was about to reveal that he donated a kidney to his brother to save his life, but instead told the guys he was saving himself for marriage.  Frankly, I think his virginity is the least of his concerns, if it even is one. But he’s an odd duck: he smiles at inappropriate times and licks his lips inappropriately.  Also, he doesn’t cuss. Why do people use the word cuss?  The word ‘swear’ is not, in and of itself, a swear word.  He could have said ‘I don’t swear’.  Also, I enjoy how he says he puts football last in his priorities.  I have a feeling that it’s actually the NFL deciding that priority for you pal.


7. Can we talk about Graham for a moment?  I liked their one-on-one date a lot.  An evening at the beach, flying a kite in the sunset, snuggling on the beach in front of a fire, perched on a rock watching the waves come in.  A deep conversation about love. All very nice.  And then, her overreaction about him having only one close relationship in the past.  That could mean a couple of things: he’s been with a LOT of women…or…she’s likes him too much and is looking for a reason to put up a wall.  I like Graham.  I think DeAnna likes Graham.  But the fact that, when she was giving him the whole spiel and then forked over the rose to him, he didn't look her in the eye, not once, raised a flag for me.  The body language was quite distressing, in fact.  Head lowered, arm covering his mouth, no eye contact.  Interesting.  Although he did get the first kiss. 


8. Why couldn’t there have been a stuffed rabbit in a hat for the Magic Castle Group Date Box?  Seriously, Chris-Bot, that’s an easy one.


9. I hope I never have a ‘case of the Twillies’.  Any guy that uses his own nickname in a sentence like that is a no in my books.  Also, any guy who loiters around in the dark after you’re coming back from another date is also a no.  And yet, Twilley gets himself a rose. 


10. Seriously, Chris-Bot, how hard would it have been to pull together some peanuts and cracker jack, maybe some fake baseball tickets, a baseball glove, anything.  I mean really, an afternoon at Dodger Stadium would be the Easiest.Date.Box.Ever.  I’m just sayin’.


11. I didn’t know Tommy Lasorda was still alive.  And doling out relationship advice.  At the start of the second group date, Mr. Lasorda gives the boys a pep talk, baseball style: ‘You Gots Ta Believe in Yourselves!’


12. Although the afternoon at Dodger stadium could have been the best date ever, this was a train wreck, start to finish.  Examples two though a million of how lame the guys are this show: when Chris was singing the national anthem, I thought birds might drop dead from the sky.  The home-run derby, when a total of 7 guys hit a total of 11 ‘home runs’.  I put home runs in quotes there because a home run was actually any ball that made it to the outfield without hitting the ground first.  All I could think about during the home-run derby was what our old friend B-Dub (that’s Brad Womack, for the uneducated) would be doing at this point: laughing his ass off.  Which brings me to my next point:


13. I miss B-Dub.  Don’t you think he would have stepped up to the plate and went 10 for 10 on those home runs?  And I’m talking the ‘real’ home runs.  Sigh.


14. Back to the lameness of the Dodger Stadium date.  After the home run derby, they served up hot dogs…and wine.  Not beer, wine.  I have had a hot dog with a glass of red wine, my friends, and trust me, they do not pair well.  Also, Eric plays too much of the Greek card.  He’s slipping from top-dog status very quickly.  Example: Eric says “My brother’s like my best friend.  He’s Greek as well’.  Really?  Wow, Eric, I wouldn’t have guessed that.  And the marriage advice from Tommy Lasorda: You Gots Ta Go By Intuition.  You Gots Ta Have a Vision.  I later learned that Tommy has been married for 57 years, so I Gots Ta Respect That, I guess.


15. I know I’m going on a lot about the Dodgers Date, but seriously: The Jumbotron showing Jeremy and DeAnna having their private conversation and her giving him a rose. The final surprise for the boys, which was not, as they were hoping, front row tickets to an actual game, but fireworks, which they pretended to love.  I’ve never known a guy that couldn’t live without fireworks, but who knows, there are some dudes who dig them, I guess.


16. The push up competition before the Rose Ceremony.  Good grief.  If a bunch of dudes did this for me, I wonder how I would feel. Embarassed, most likely.  But Jesse wins, hands down, which could have been due to his lower center of gravity.  Jesse is slowly winning me over, but I’m hoping that he gets a haircut.  Please, Jesse, please.


17. Ron is a bit like the dad of the show.  He’s so serious and it’s like he’s counseling the younger guys.


18. I can’t decide if I like Jeremy or not.  Granted, he’s lost both of his parents.  But he did come off as a bit of a jerk when he welcomed the other guys to ‘his house’.  And then stole DeAnna away during the pre-Rose Ceremony.  Both actions were uncalled for.


19. The three who didn’t get a rose last night were Chris, Eric and Ryan.  Poor Chris, he played baseball back in the day, but it was singing that killed him, I think.  Eric played the Greek Card way too much, so he was doomed.  I also liked how Eric said he was hurt mentally and psychologically…is there a difference?  And Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.  He doesn’t understand – he was voted friendliest person in Grade 8!  How could DeAnna not like him?


20. Finally, I’m worried about DeAnna.  After her breakdown at the end of this Rose Ceremony, I wonder how she’ll withstand the pressure of upcoming Rose Ceremonies.

So, that’s that.  I’m really hoping that next week is only a one-hour show. The preview looks good: Graham can dance like a cowboy (seriously, this looks good), DeAnna’s a wimp, Jason reveals his secret son, and the boys make an appearance on the set of Ellen.  Pass me some champagne, B-Dub.  And a hot dog.

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode One: Pearl necklaces and crabs

Good grief, this was a long episode.  Don't get me wrong, I love checking out the dudes.  Love it.  But wow, I was actually relieved when we got to the doling out of roses.  It seemed like a long time coming. 

The show begins with a small recap of DeAnna's heart being broken by B-Dub and it makes me wonder if our old friend is tuning in this season.  In a previous post, I mentioned that I thought it would be pretty cool if B-Dub played each episode on the big screen at one of his bars, with shots of tequila every time his name is mentioned.  You'd be hammered by the first commercial, I guarantee it.

After the recap, we fast forward to DeAnna today, picking out frocks at ABS, strolling down the beach, and reading scripted lines about how excited she is, how much she believes in the show, how much 'the process' works. Yawn. The scripting continues when she has her fireside chat with Chris-Bot.  I like Chris-Bot as much as the next girl, but wow does he know how to lead people:

CB: It sounds like you are unbelievably sincere in the reasons you've come back here to do this show again
DeA: Exactly. Why put myself through this all over again if I'm not putting in 100%?

During the limo meet-and-greets, there are very few memorable moments, in my opinion.  Lots of 'looking forward to talking to you inside', 'great to meet you', and 'you look great'.  Not a lot of substance.  And too much twirling.  Seriously, enough with the twirling.

Let's review the dudes in no particular order and see what magic they bring to the table tonight:

Jeremy, one of my top dog picks (see my pre-game post) is smooth.  He gets the first First Impression Rose (small twist: she gets to hand out three in the first episode).  J-dog was the last one out of the limo, DeAnna asks him to say something good that she wants to hear.  He says something in a foreign language and promises to translate it for her later.  Nice.  Niiice.  Also, a real estate lawyer and she's in real estate.  Nice.

Robert, he's not a master in the art of seduction, but he's definitely working on a degree.  Cheesy? Yes.  Effective? Yes.  This cat is a 6-foot something chef who likes to dance and is pretty confident.  He makes her some type of crab dish, which he serves up with champagne.  Not too bad for a first impression.  Roberto makes the cut and gets a rose.

Chandler is a odd duck.  Ha, ha, that pun was SO intended.  When Chandler got out of the limo, he stared way off to the left for about half an hour before he walked over.  Odd.  Then, to impress DeAnna, he pulls out a duck whistle (is that what they're called?) and blows it.  To impress her. Chandler as he's getting ready: best suit jacket? Check. Mints? Check. Duck whistle? Check.  What was he thinking?? Quelle surprise, Chandler Bing does not get a rose.

Eric is another of my top-dog picks, and this one is a no-brainer.  He grew up in Greece, and therefore speaks Greek fluently.  He's confident, quiet, wears an expensive suit and looks comfortable in it.  He might be a tad too close to his mother but time will tell: E-dog gets a rose.

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.  Where to begin?  Dude rolls out of the limo with a tapestry suit jacket and neon pink shoelaces.  I'm surprised he didn't high-five her.  But turns out dude has a personality and seems a bit sincere; despite being one of my interesting cats, he pulls off the second First Impression Rose, after a little helping hand from DeAnna's new BFF Jenni shows up and gives him two thumbs up.  (Sidebar: that Jenni appearance was a bit strange).

Brian W from Indiana does not get a rose, but I don't really recall him anyhow, except for his desperate attempt at winning her over by spontaneously un-tucking his shirt to show her his abs of steel.  Please.  Chicks do not dig that.  Yes, chicks dig abs of steel.  But chicks do not dig guys SHOWING us their abs of steel.  Please learn the subtle difference, Brian W from Indiana. Thank you.

Chris was also not too memorable, except for a wonky eye, and the fact that he got a rose.  And that he confessed to cheating on a girl once.  And still gets a rose.  Interesting.

Donato seems like the type of guy that drinks too much rye at every party and starts spitting on people that he's talking to.  All this before 8 pm.  At 8:15, he asks Jenni to come sick on his lap.  Yeah pal, that's going to work. He does not get a rose.

Speaking of drinking a lot of rye, let me introduce you to Paul.  Paul's a bit of a wild man, who has 'small town mentality', grew up in Canada (go Paul!), likes to strip down and jump in pools, gets custom-made undies with DeAnna's name on them, and in general, seems like a fun guy.  Canuck gets a rose!

Let's call it like it is, ladies, Graham is a catch. His 'on screen' job is that he's a pro basketball player, but he also has investments in bars (a little bit like B-Dub, but no worries), and wants to start a children's charity.  He's quiet, charming, confident, and has good stubble.  Also one of my top-dogs, G-dog gets a rose.

Brian W from Texas makes absolutely no impression on me, but hey, I don't matter, and DeAnna gives him a rose.  Thankfully, from this point on, we can call him Brian, not by the awkward moniker of Brian W from Texas.

Fred is a lawyer who's signature move is a Chicago Bear Hug.  Okay.  He gets a rose.

Luke is a famous fictional character from General Hospital. Oh. Hang on.  No. Luke is actually an oyster farmer who gives DeAnna a pearl necklace.  Ahem.  Luke is a bit shy and feels out of place; I feel a bit badly for him.  I also notice that, despite wearing the pearl necklace for part of the evening, it is not present during the Rose Ceremony.  Ergo, no rose for Luke.  Did I just use ergo?  Yes, twice.  See what I mean about being relieved to reach the Rose Ceremony?  Waaay too many dudes.

Richard is officially my pick for winner of the whole show.  As one of my top dog pre-season picks, R-dog is a geeky science teacher.  He also presents a gift to DeAnna, which I was hoping would be a cool t-shirt, maybe this one, but instead it's a random piece of crystal, that he's hoping he can replace with a diamond some day.  Now, if any other dude said that, he'd be out.  But Richard pulls it off.  I can't explain it boys, but it's true: we chicks are crazy. R-dog gets the final First Impression Rose.  Oh yeah, better start shopping for rocks right now, Richie Rich.

Greg is crazy and sometimes talks about himself in third person.  Greg will rise from the ashes.  Greg will walk through fire for the rose.  Greg will rip off his shirt (not kidding) and howl at the moon like a coyote.  Greg will next be seen on WWE.  Greg will not get a rose.

Jeffrey is a good-looking math teacher who, unfortunately did not get any screen time or one-on-one time with DeAnna.  Not that I noticed, anyway.  Jeffrey does not get a rose.

Jason is a single-dad (shhh, don't tell DeAnna) who's pretty good looking.  He's a bit aggressive, but not over the top.  I think he'll go far.

I think Jon was wearing a royal-blue vest under his grey suit.  He also spends way too much time working on his hair. Frosted tips are so 15 years ago, Jon.  No rose for you!

Ryan has been in-and-out of the NFL for the past few years, and made one of the only memorable impressions as he got out of the limo: he told her that he'd always be the one smiling, and that he has strong faith.  Ryan gets a rose.

When I first typed Sean's name I mispelled it as Seam, so Seam it is. Seam is a martial artist with a significant mullet, who proved himself to be a serious idiot by kicking a lemon off of Jesse's head as his memorable trick.  It apparently worked since he got himself a rose.

Blaine, or Twilley as his friends call him, seems like an obnoxious dolt off camera, but somehow does enough to get himself a rose, even after trying to shake DeAnna's hand when he first met her.

Patrick C seems like a nice enough kid, a bit like Topher Grace with five-day stubble, but also doesn't make enough of an impression to stick around.  No worries, I get the feeling Patrick C was only on the show because he lost a bet.  Look for him at one of B-Dub's bar, wasted on tequila.

Patrick D hits the 'roids a little too hard for my taste.  And apparently DeAnna's as well.  This guy is massive but seems alright; however, he does not get a rose.

Ron is a very serious guy, previously married, and works part time in a barbershop quartet.  Kidding, of course, he manages a barbershop or whatever, but what is up with the vest but no jacket look he was pulling off?  Give him a black armband to tie over the shirt, and a straw boater hat, and he's more than halfway there.  Anyhow, Ron gets a rose.

Finally, last and least, Spero.  Spero is an actor who looks like he doesn't make any impression on DeAnna. Makes me wonder if they were just trying to fill spots on the show.  I'm just sayin'.  He does not get a rose.

Phew!  We are done!  To finish the show, we see some clips from the upcoming season including baseball games, hoedowns, an appearance on the Ellen show, race car driving, scuba diving, outdoor showers, tears, and dramatic rose ceremonies.  Should be a great season!

Bachelorette Second Chance - The Pre-Game Show

Hey, make fun all you want.  For the Super Bowl, the pre-game shows begin, give or take, about a week before the Big Day itself.  If you really want to be ridiculous, you might argue that the pre-game shows start at the beginning of the season, since each game leads up to the Super Bowl Sunday.  But regardless, it's pretty much a guarantee that starting at 8 am on the big day, you can turn on your tv to a multiple number of channels, each with their own posse of four retired football players, each in a pinstriped suit, and frothing at the mouth about each team's chance this year.  Lots of talking over each other, review of stats, graphics, review of game plays, and countdowns to kickoff, which is at some random time, like 5:54 pm or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, it sounds like I'm making fun, but I'm not.  I get it.  The excitement.  The anticipation.  The dry cleaning of one's best pinstripe suit.  The relentless scouring of sports pages and stats.  The placing of bets.  I'm all over it.  So what does this have to do with the Bach'ette?  Do you seriously need to ask?

Granted, the Bach'ette doesn't have two teams exactly, and aside from ABC's Bach'ette web page, I don't have much to review except a picture, an age, profession, and hometown/current town of each of our players.  So let's get this gong show started:

DeAnna is our 26-year-old Bach'ette, who went home brokenhearted after Brad Womack left her at the pre-altar without a rose.  Or, according to her, an explanation.  What we know about DeAnna:

She's greek (how many times will we hear her referred to as a Greek Goddess in the next few weeks?).  Cool grandpa who has a trail of women following him everywhere and is always up for some ouzo.  A pretty cool dad.  A mom who died when DeAnna was quite young.  A blinking problem (watch for it).  Probably not a lot of gal pals (remember how nobody liked her at the start of the Bachelor?).  And she's a real estate agent from Georgia.

A sampling of the Playahs: 
(note: I'm only picking of few of the top dogs and interesting cats at this point.  Thorough review to come post-show).

These are my predicted top dogs.  From left to right, Richard (science teacher), Jeremy (real estate attorney), Graham (pro basketball player), and Eric (financial analyst, who is coincidentally, greek).  Note how none of them look like her past dude, Brad Womack, aka B-Dub from here on out.

The interesting cats:



 

From left to right, we have Chandler (insurance representative - hello Chandler Bing), Luke (an oyster farmer with a face (and hairstyle) that probably only a mom could love), Jesse (a pro snowboarder), and Spero (an actor.  Seriously.  Good luck, dude).

So there are many more guys to check out tonight, 25 to be exact.  And we all know the first cut is the deepest, so who knows who will even be left standing after tonight's rose ceremony. 

And, after some thought, some blogging, and some dusting off the pinstripe suit, I've realized that this post isn't a pre-game show like those for the Super Bowl, but more of a pre-season show.  We're just getting to know the teams, we've seen a little bit of action from DeAnna, there are some clear competitors and some clear Miami Dolphins.  So don't forget to tune in, set your pvr/tivo, whatever.  Enjoy the season!

Bachelorette Second Chance - The Pre-Game Show

Hey, make fun all you want.  For the Super Bowl, the pre-game shows begin, give or take, about a week before the Big Day itself.  If you really want to be ridiculous, you might argue that the pre-game shows start at the beginning of the season, since each game leads up to the Super Bowl Sunday.  But regardless, it's pretty much a guarantee that starting at 8 am on the big day, you can turn on your tv to a multiple number of channels, each with their own posse of four retired football players, each in a pinstriped suit, and frothing at the mouth about each team's chance this year.  Lots of talking over each other, review of stats, graphics, review of game plays, and countdowns to kickoff, which is at some random time, like 5:54 pm or whatever.  Don't get me wrong, it sounds like I'm making fun, but I'm not.  I get it.  The excitement.  The anticipation.  The dry cleaning of one's best pinstripe suit.  The relentless scouring of sports pages and stats.  The placing of bets.  I'm all over it.  So what does this have to do with the Bach'ette?  Do you seriously need to ask?

Granted, the Bach'ette doesn't have two teams exactly, and aside from ABC's Bach'ette web page, I don't have much to review except a picture, an age, profession, and hometown/current town of each of our players.  So let's get this gong show started:

DeAnna is our 26-year-old Bach'ette, who went home brokenhearted after Brad Womack left her at the pre-altar without a rose.  Or, according to her, an explanation.  What we know about DeAnna:

She's greek (how many times will we hear her referred to as a Greek Goddess in the next few weeks?).  Cool grandpa who has a trail of women following him everywhere and is always up for some ouzo.  A pretty cool dad.  A mom who died when DeAnna was quite young.  A blinking problem (watch for it).  Probably not a lot of gal pals (remember how nobody liked her at the start of the Bachelor?).  And she's a real estate agent from Georgia.

A sampling of the Playahs: 
(note: I'm only picking of few of the top dogs and interesting cats at this point.  Thorough review to come post-show).

These are my predicted top dogs.  From left to right, Richard (science teacher), Jeremy (real estate attorney), Graham (pro basketball player), and Eric (financial analyst, who is coincidentally, greek).  Note how none of them look like her past dude, Brad Womack, aka B-Dub from here on out.

The interesting cats:



 

From left to right, we have Chandler (insurance representative - hello Chandler Bing), Luke (an oyster farmer with a face (and hairstyle) that probably only a mom could love), Jesse (a pro snowboarder), and Spero (an actor.  Seriously.  Good luck, dude).

So there are many more guys to check out tonight, 25 to be exact.  And we all know the first cut is the deepest, so who knows who will even be left standing after tonight's rose ceremony. 

And, after some thought, some blogging, and some dusting off the pinstripe suit, I've realized that this post isn't a pre-game show like those for the Super Bowl, but more of a pre-season show.  We're just getting to know the teams, we've seen a little bit of action from DeAnna, there are some clear competitors and some clear Miami Dolphins.  So don't forget to tune in, set your pvr/tivo, whatever.  Enjoy the season!

Bachelor London Calling Final Episode: Ello, ello, bring me my wellies!

Trust me, there are A LOT more titles I originally had in mind for the title of this blog, but I thought I'd try not to spoil the ending on the finale.  Not like I did yesterday after watching Survivor.  Parvarti? Seriously.

Tonight was Meet the Parents Night for our two lovely finalists, Shayne (on the left) and Chelsea (on the right).  Just ignore the bird in the middle, she got cut weeks ago, and I'm trying really hard to block out her name.

First up is Chelsea.  Chels is nervous to meet the parents, but is greeted warmly at the door by only one of Matt's brothers, Simon, with an 'ello, mate' and is then introduced to the parents, Tony and Trish (and yes, in a perfect world that would have been Tony 'n Tina).  The meet and greet with the 'rents seems to go okay for Chelsea, but her answers to do seem a bit 'light'.  Example: when asked what her required list is for a man, she comes up with one answer, sense of humour.  Granted, that's a great quality.  But that's all she says.  Until her and Trish hit the kitchen to dish (no pun intended) and Chelsea basically pours her heart out to future-potential-mom-in-law.  She should be that open with the Bach.  I'm just sayin'.

Next is Shayne, who is loving London, as her and the Bach carouse around town in a double decker bus before shooting over to his parent's pad.  Luckily, Shayne has brought a bottle of vino to give to his parents.  Shayne is nervous, but she seems to do well.  I'm biased naturally, because Shayne's my favourite, but she does seem more genuiune and 'deep' than Chelsea-kins.  The family is torn: Tony 'n Tina favour Shayne, while Simon likes Chelsea.  Simon sums it up succinctly by saying, 'bloody 'ell, we're no 'elp at all'. 

The Bach is torn. He's also looking a little scruffy.  I know what he needs.  Another plane ride to Barbados and a little last-minute loving from both birds.  Yes, yes, that will help him decide.  One final dip in the...pool.

The Bach's final date with Chels in Barbados involves a helicopter ride.  I'm still a bit perplexed as to why he blindfolded her.  A better surprise would have been a slight sedative, and she wakes up in the helicopter as it's mid flight over the ocean.  Now that, my dear Bach, is a surprise.  But fine, he's a good guy so he doesn't do that.  He and Chels have a really cool ride over the ocean and then they lie on a private beach and get cozy.  Then they lie together in the water and stand in the water and then head back to the Hilton (nice advertising, btw) and Chelsea's hands over a gift.  It's a cooler with some cereal (for breakfast in bed), surf wax and a map of her hometown.  She calls it a Survival Kit, but it might have been better if she had called it a Date Box, since that's essentially what it is, even though it's not the most original idea in the book.  She's still a bit too casual but the Bach is loving it.

Up next, Shayne and the Bach have their final date, and they go para-sailing, which is also pretty cool (although I've not tried it, of course, but it looks amazing).  They seem to have a great time, and Shayne enjoys floating in the air, feeling like an angel and dreaming of her man Matt.  Back at the hotel, she also has a gift for Shayne, which is pretty cool (in my opinion).  A stuffed monkey and a framed series of pictures of Shayne writing 'I love you' in the sand on the beach.  Obviously I'm biased, but this is far better than a box of stale Cheerios and a map from Esso, stuffed into a cooler with a label written on it with a Sharpie (yowzas, I am catty). But seriously. Who would you choose?

The Bach is confused, he's not sure who to ask.  So for the next five minutes of the show, we see more of Barbados, and the Bach struggling with his decision.  Then, he's at the rock shop, picking out a stunning Tacori engagement ring.  He has finally made a decision.

Chris-Bot is standing at the curb as the limo pulls up...who's it going to be?  It's Chelsea out first.  Hmmm...we've been tricked before.  Will she get the rock?  Will no one get the rock?  Chelsea strolls down to wear the Bach is (what is up with the slit on that dress) and the Bach comments on the amazing dresses she always wears (by amazing he means skanky).  Matt begins with the usual speech, but soon there is some subtle rejection slipping into the conversation and then Chelsea realizes she isn't going to get the rock.  She does alright, all things considered, but then the best line:

Chelsea: She's (Shayne) the falsest person here!!
Matt: If you ever think for one second that I'm the sort of person that would end up with the falsest person here, than you don't know me

Great line by the Bach. Chelsea is off in tears, confused and angry.  Then Shayne is on the scene.  And I'm excited.  For the first time in my long and troubled history of watching reality television, the person I actually like is going to get picked.  Hooray!  The Bach starts with his usual speech but I don't think she realizes what is happening until he gets down on one knee, 'Monkey, will you marry me?'  And then I'm crying.  How sick am I, I know.  But I eat it up and try to block out how ridiculous this show is. And the best line to end the series:

Shayne: I will marry you under one condition: That you will never look at another woman during our lives, because you've looked at way too many in our relationship.

Next week (that's right, I said next week): The season premiere of the Bachelorette, Deanna Pappas.  Holy crap. I better start chilling the ouzo.

Survivor Micronesia: The Winner...

Parvarti.  Seriously?

Survivor Micronesia: Finally the Finale

The finale begins with a recap.  Actually, we begin with some brilliance from Alan Alda (the first time I typed that, it came out as Anal Alda):

Anal: You can be a fan of the Boston Red Sox, but you don't want to play against the Boston Red Sox.
Is Anal Alda really comparing himself and the other Survivor Favourites to the Boston Red Sox?  Loser.

More recap:
Ozzy catches a shark. Kathy is crazy and doesn't like rain. Kathy has to leave. There were a lot of injuries. James and Anal have to leave for medical reasons. Amanda, Parv and Cirie have an alliance. The girls form a super alliance and their secret handshake involves pretending they're witches, stirring an imaginary pot, all the while, chanting: muwah ha ha.  It's pretty weak. Ozzy gets blindsided (and then bought a juan valdez blanket/jacket/poncho for $5 after bartering a street vendor down from $20 - seriously, did you notice that thing?). Jason also gets blindsided. Alexis gets the boot. Erik is the dumbest guy in Survivor, but I can't help but have liked him.  Also, how hard is it to manipulate the most naive person in the world?  Let's watch these birds finally compete against each other.  Finally, the finale!

Night 36
The girls are screaming in glee...they forget that they have to still compete against each other...and again they do their secret handshake.  Awful.  I predict these four girls won't even be able to finish a challenge, let alone win one.  Well, maybe Amanda will win. At the last one, Erik dominated while the rest of them just sat around, halfheartedly digging in the sand, hoping he would finish.  And yet, he still forks over the necklace!?!?

Day 37
Cirie's a man hater and Parv compares herself to a Venus Flytrap.  In the next scene, Parv is climbing a tree, proving to the viewers at home that they don't need a man to get food. Natalie is grateful to be there and she and Parv have a love-in. Amanda picks up a tree-mail (wow, we haven't seen that in awhile) and the girls are reminded they will have to do another challenge.

Immunity Challenge - I'm Pretty Sure They Dumbed it Down For the Girls
The challenge involves:
Being perched on poles in water
Pouring water in bamboo pole to get a set of keys
Opening a box with the key (there's only one lock - I thought there would be 10 locks and 50 sets of keys - hence my dumbing down comment)
Ladder assembly

I'm not sure I care who wins.  Or loses.  Or who to cheer for.  Yawn. Natalie's off the perch first, then Parv.  During the assembly, Nat has grayed out side boob.  Good lord, how big are those damn implants? They all catch up during the ladder building, but then Amanda wins.

Cirie thinks she was right behind Amanda during the challenge.  Um, sure you were sister.  Sure you were. Nat still thinks she has a chance. We see a lot of the side talk and deal making and patting themselves on the back (way too much, in my opinion, but it is a two hour show). Cirie is getting a bit paranoid.  I swear to everyone, right now, if Cirie wins the million, I am out.  OUT.  Never again will I watch the show.

Tribal Council
The jury comes in; Jason is channeling in his inner Rupert by wearing a tie-dye shirt.  The usual questions at the tribal council; everyone is wondering will it be final two or final three?  Not sure what is up with Amanda questioning Cirie, and I can only listen to Cirie's voice for ...oh, a second or so...before I tune out.

Jeff tallies the votes, the votes are read, and the decision is final: Natalie is out.  Out, out, out.  Take that you ruthless, stone cold bitch. (Hey, I'm just quoting her!!)

Day 38
Gloria is set free (the chicken mascot).  The girls don't want to kill her; they don't need to eat.  Maybe they need a guy around to kill the chicken.  Then a tree-mail shows up: paddling and reflecting on fallen comrades, and then a final immunity challenge.  Nice.  A final two.  Amanda is cracking at the seams.  Cirie admits that they got blindsided by thinking there was a final three when there's a final two.

Fallen Comrade Montage
Jonny - self-proclaimed Cerebral Assassin of survivor
Mary - didn't really know Mary (says Parv)
Yau Man - fearsome competitor
Mikey B - fierce competitor
Joel - big guy; pretty intense
Anal Alda - smooth talker
Chet - the chickens have not been the same since Chet left
Kathy - she was a colorful character (says Parv)
Tracy - she was underestimated.  I honestly don't remember her
Ami - everybody loves Ami
Eliza - arch rival of Parv
Ozzy - well-rounded player ever; Amanda got to carry his torch because she liked him. Ozzy professes that his relationship with Amanda is worth more than any amount of money.  Interesting foreshadowing, people, very interesting.
Jason - just as good as Ozzy
James - Parv's little cuddlebug
Alexis - she's not a girl, not yet a woman
Erik - he's learned a lot about women
Natalie - last fan

Final Immunity Challenge
Involves a metal ball balanced on a cylinder.  Cylinders and balls.  You can fill in the blanks on that one. More pieces are added over time and if the ball falls, you are out. Parv is out first, then Cirie.  Amanda wins final immunity.  As of now, it looks like Amanda will win the million.  See my earlier point about Cirie; she had better not win.  Now it's a question of who will Amanda take to the final.  She seems to be struggling; her loyalty to Parv is conflicting with the jury's hate for Cirie.  In the end, after Jeff tallies the vote, it appears that our final two are Amanda and Parvarti.  Thankfully, Cirie will not win the million and I can continue to watch the show.

The Tribal Thing - Bring it On
I have to confess: I didn't listen to the opening statements.  They are uncomfortable and pathetic.  The questions/comments from the jury are not much better:

Eliza isn't sure who she's going to vote for.  She does confront Parv about being a mean person (talking behind her back, making fun of her).  She then confronts Amanda about being superficial.

Jason asks Parv what her redeeming qualities are.  She's gives a terribly painful answer.  She's an animal lover because she didn't kill Gloria.

Alexis has a cute dress on. She wants to know who is a better role model for young girls/women.

Natalie has on the latest oufit from Victoria's Secret. She confronts Parv about playing the flirt card and asks how flirting parellels to intimacy in real life.  Parv admits that she flirts with both boys and girls in her real life to get what she wants.  What the ?

Erik looks better but he should have got a hair cut.  I really wish Erik were part of the final two; I really like him. 

Speaking of the final two, I really wish James were in the final two.  In fact, how great would it have been if Erik and James were in the final two.  I'm starting to wonder if there's a clause in everyone's contract about spoiling votes.  That would be cool if James wrote down Ozzy's name on the last vote.

Cirie cleans up well but I'm still glad she's not in the final two.

Ozzy is last; he's truly hurt.  He's mad that Parv took away 14 days he could have spent with Amanda.  Is he about to propose to Amanda?  That might be cool, that is, if you thought Boston Rob was cool.

Everyone votes...and the winner is.....

ANTM Cycle 10 Episode Twelve: That's Ms. Tyrone Banks, If You Please!

Who's with me on this being the last cycle for ANTM?  If I gave more of a damn, I would let my fingers do the googling and see if Tyra has signed on to do more, but I just can't find the energy to open another window, and punch it into google.  Sigh.

We are down to four birds.  Whit is now serious about stepping up her game, and stepping down the hoochie.  Fat is fat...I mean, Fat is phat, yo!  Dom must be nervous, because she is painting on her eyebrows super thick, and when she talks, bits of candy corn fly out of her mouth and hit the camera.  Anya is more and more confident, but I'm still hoping for an english Cover Girl commercial, so we can see just how easy and breezy she really is.

Take a Picture...You Might Last Longer
Again, Anya is left behind trying to figure out what that could mean while the other girls take off in the mini-bus.  At their destination (a park), the girls go for a stroll and come across Paulina, jumping around in front of a camera like she's doing a shoot for JC Penney.  Not that there's anything wrong with JCP, of course.  The challenge turns out to be a bit of switch - the girls will have to shoot Paulina.  With a camera.  I do believe that, if there's another cycle of ANTM, Paulina just might replace Tyra.  I know, I know, that's harsh, but that's the modeling world, baby, you just got to roll with it.

The girls all take their five minutes to take pics of the...wait for it...legendary supermodel (oh yeah), and Whit and Fat do a pretty good job.  Anya is a bit awkward (quelle suprise) and Dom is just Dom: 'Pretend you're walking but not walking all the way'.  What the ?  Fat wins and she's giddy because she finally won a challenge!  Hooray for Fat Fat Bo-Bat, Banana-nana Sho-Shat...wait a minute, wait a minute. That last word probably shouldn't be there, should it?

Mosquitoes, Bee Beards, and Hot Italian Models

You may be asking yourself right now, self, what do those three things have in common?  The answer is nothing, except that is what I would have written on the Mona Lisa/Tyrone Mail if I could.  Instead, it read: 'They're out for blood, but they will give you a taste of fame'.  Right away I thought mosquitos, and then my second thought would be that the girls would pose with a bee beard (wow I'm out there tonight), and finally Anya's interpretation of it, that they would be posing with hot guys.

Actually - both Anya and I are correct (sort of).  The challenge involves posing with hot italian models with the pretense that they are trying to get away from the paparazzi (which coincidently means mosquito in Italian. See - you learned something). For the record, I don't think the bee beard shoot would be that out of line.  They did pose with meat panties and collars, don't forget.

The girls are met by the Silver Fox, sporting a very slick red pleather bomber jacket.  For all my mocking, I think Jay Manuel is the hardest working man in ANTM world.  Then Nigel comes running down the steps and the girls begin to froth at the mouth.  Or was that me frothing?  No matter, the girls scurry off to hair and makeup and begin the shoot.

Anya looks like an old-school, cone-for-breasts Madonna, what with the bleached blonde hair and black eyebrows.  Her shot looks good, but apparently she got lucky.  Fat is up next, and she can't quite it get it, so Nigel has to come in and work the male model to show her how it's done.  Still, she doesn't quite get it.  The picture is pretty good in the end.  Whit take a great picture, I think.  Is it just me, or does anyone else think that our old pal Nigel has a petit crush on Whit?  Watch for it...  Dom is last, and she's a bit too predictable I think.  Actually, all the girls are fairly predictable at this point.

Would Tyrone Banks Please Step Forward?
At the judges panel, the girls get some harsh criticism.  Well, mostly Dom, although none of them get off easy.  Dom learns how to tuck in her shirt, and is then called a transvestite.  Ouch.  During the judges deliberation, Miss J does a fierce impression of a Dom as a boy and laments that this isn't a Cover Boy competition.  Nigel actually meows at Tyra, and hilarity ensues.  Or not.  When the girls return, I tune out as Tyra makes her usual speech, bats her eyelashes way too much, and does the super slow pulling out of the portfolio pics.  Sometimes it sounds like those pictures are held together by velcro, the noise they make as Tyrone pulls out each picture.  No suprises this time, Dom is sent home.  Too bad. 

Next week: Three girls remain and my dreams come true: an English Cover Girl commercial

Survivor Micronesia Episode Twelve: Did I say non-stinging jellyfish? Oops, my bad.

We got blindsided the last two episodes, what with the voting off of Ozzy followed by his pup, Jason.  So, I'm hoping tonight's episode goes differently.  And it does.  Sort of.

Day 31 - Morning Around Camp
Despite the fact that James has an infected finger the size of Cirie's backside, he is still working around camp and doing more work than any of the rest of the girls.  Makes me wonder: if the girls didn't have such a strong alliance right now, would they be picking up their slack around camp?  I'm pretty sure they wouldn't.

Reward Challenge - I Heart James' Dad
First off, LOVE the Likeness Idols.  I kind of want one for myself.  If you didn't see the episode, shame on you!  The remaining tribe members congregate in the reward challenge area (later, I learn it is called Challenge Beach) and see there is an idol for each of them - these likeness idols are made to look like them.  So, Parv's has a wooden head and a black and white bikini.  Erik's has wild hair.  Nat's has big boobs, and yes, the idol's are fake, too. So realistic, Nat's!

This challenge involves a series of questions about each other, and before I get too far ahead of myself, these questions are brilliant! Each correct answer allowing you to cut a rope, which will eventually destroy their likeness idol.  Last man standing wins reward.  Wanna know what they're playing for?  The winner will get to take a family member to Jellyfish Island to check out a crapload of non-stinging jellyfish.

The family members come out one by one:
Parv's mom Gail, Erik's brother Kurt, Nat's mom Rocky, Alexis' brother Nathan (Parv checks him out, naturally), Amanda's sister Katrina, James' dad James Sr., and Cirie's hubby, HP (as in the sauce or printer company).  Ordinarily, I would get sappy and cry with each family member's arrival, but I've got some hate on for the girls, so I don't care and I don't cry.  However.  James Sr (who's dressed the best) and James kill me.  Not sure why, just the look they give each other, the sheepish 'hey, dad', the hug without hesitation, the joke about dad trying to have a stomach like James, all of it, it kills me and I tear up.  You gotta love dads and sons who are proud of each other.  Damn this show!

But back to reality - these are the best questions ever.  Each tribe member has answered each question in private and now Jeff is reading them out loud, one at a time.  With each question, the tribe has to publicly decide how they think the majority voted. For example:

Who are you least likely to invite to a family dinner?  I would easily pick Natalie, but the majority answer is James, probably because he would order the bat soup. 

Who mistakenly thinks they are in control of the game? Most people pick Parvarti, and they are correct.  Parv is pissed off since she thought she had this game in the bag.  See what I mean about brilliant questions?

Who is most honest?  Alexis is the correct answer - but only Cirie gets it right.  People are getting touchy and riled up in this challenge and it's great - I wish it could last the whole hour, but soon enough, Alexis wins and she gets to chose two others.  She chooses Cirie and Nat.  Alexis also choses Amanda to head off to Exile Island, which comes back to bite her later. 

'It Ain't So Bad', says James, 'That bone in my finger has always stuck out like that'
After the challenge, the medic (finally, we get a name: Dr. Carolyn Sein) checks out James' finger and she declares it is bad enough for him to have to leave the show.  I'm so glad he doesn't pull an Alan Alda at this point and cry like a baby on the way out.  He handles it very well: 'he needs his hands to be able to work and make a living, therefore he needs medical attention.  No need to fuss and cry about things, just take care of it.'  It's this attitude that make me like James, and I'm sad to see him out of the game.  Now we're down to one man standing: Erik, the ice cream scooper.

Jellyfish Lake and Exile Island
Basically this is filler: everyone loves the jellyfish and Amanda learns that the idol is hidden back at camp.  Meanwhile, the girls are stressed: if Erick wins immunity they will (gasp!) have to vote for a girl.  Oh, the humanity!  What are they going to do?

Reward challenge - At Ease, Girls
The reward challenge involves firing a high-powered rifle at coloured sake bottles to break them.  These girls don't have a chance, don't they know that before Erik's promotion to ice cream jockey, he was a carny who kicked ass at those games?  He wins this, quite easily in my opinion, even though Natalie got a bit cocky off the first shot.  I'm glad Erik has won, I want to see him stick around.  Plus I like watching the girl's scramble - where's your power now, sisters?  I know where it is - buried in the sand under the tribe's flag, that's where.

Day 33
Amanda empties her bag to show the girls that she didn't find the immunity idol on Exile Island.  She's so sneaky and I wonder if she can pull this off.  A new twist to the blindsided way this game has been playing out recently.  If Amanda can convince the girls that she doesn't have the idol (when she does), and pull the votes to her, she seal her fate with the jury, win back Cirie and Parv, and probably Erik as well.  This could change the game.  Can she do it?

At tribal council, James comes back in as part of the jury, dragging an IV pole.  Amanda plays it up that she knows everyone is going to vote for her.  Just after the votes have been tallied...there is a pause...does Amanda have the idol?  She does and she plays it!  Alexis and Natalie are stunned.  I really wanted to see Nat get the boot, but Alexis gets voted out with the fewest votes ever - two.  Nice move, Amanda.  Now please get rid of Natalie - I want to see how she 'cleans up' for the jury.

ANTM Cycle 10 Episode Eleven: Mamma Tyra and Her Babies, Yo!

Yawn.  Isn't this cycle over yet?  Hopefully, next cycle, Paulina will take over Tyra's spot and Tyra can compete with Nigel for the spot of noted fashion photographer.  The J's are irreplaceable of course.  The five remaining girls are still in Rome, with Whit deciding she needs to be more real, Fat claims she has no competition, Dom is having problems sleeping, Kat thinks everyone is close (in the competition, not as friends), and Anya is just happy to be away from home.  We're at the point in the cycle where the girls are stepping up their game, or at least trying to, but there's enough drama for my liking.  There's a sad attempt by Fat: 'Katrazyna should be behind a desk - as an accountant - on a computer', but that's not even close enough to catty to get me excited. 

Fight For the Masses if You Want to Pose for the Classes...

...reads the first Tyra Mail of the evening.  The Tyra Mail is scraping the bottom of the barrel. What it translates to is that the girls trek off to some ancient ruins in Rome and are met by Alex Mariotti, famed gladiating instructor to the stars, or something equally made up.  Mr. Mariotti is going to teach the girls to fight like gladiators, but he still wants them to be models.  He wants to see composure, elegance, fierceness, and toughness.  In other words:

I know I called the whole Xena thing last week, but seriously, does anyone else see how Whitney totally fits that bill?  Oh wait, my old pal Dominique does, except that she thinks Whit looks more like Xena's blonde sidekick.  Tsk, tsk, tsk, Dominique, stick to your day 'job' of modelling or hostessing at TGIF at Mall of America or selling subscriptions to Seventeen magazine or driving your pre-teen kids to soccer practice or whatev, sister.

Anyhoo, the challenge is a photo challenge (I think Miss J said that about 10 times or so, just so no one would forget) and I think all the girls, except for maybe Fatima, do alright.  Anya (Gabrielle) and Whitney (Xena) excel, Kat and Fat struggle a little, and Dom invokes Ralph Macchio and stands on one foot throughout her pose.  That doesn't work for her, and Whitney wins the challenge (Prize: a 1000 euro shopping spree.  Thankfully, Tyra's producers translate for me: 1556.00 USD).  Whitney takes Anya along for the shopping spree. 

By Now, Your Inexperience Should Be A Thing of the Past...

...reads the next Tyra Mail.  Okay, okay, I get it: the girls go off to a castle (thing of the past) to do a photo shoot that is a modern day spin on the Renaissance (another thing of the past).  But still, the Tyra Mail's are getting weaker.  One of these times, it's going to say 'Yo, get in the fab-cab at 6 am and don't ask any questions. PS. Anya - you never guess right, so don't even guess the location on this one.  Luuuuvvv Tyra.'

The twist on this shoot is that the girl's mama (played by Tyra) is doing the photo shoot.  Tyra's artistic - I know this because she's got a big camera and she's lying on the floor the whole time, shooting from that angle, so that must mean something.  Right?

The girls are a bit nervous about working with Tyra, but here's what I've learned from the Tyra School of Modelling, over the cycles:
1. Look fierce
2. If you don't know how to look fierce, look like you're in pain
3. Pose
4. Don't pose too much
5. Pose a little bit more
6. Take away the hoochie mama
7. Show some neck
8. Exaggerate, exaggerate, and exaggerate.  That's pretty much Tyra's mantra for the whole shoot.

So the girls try their best to exaggerate.  Kat doesn't do so well, she comes off walking like an egyptian (all the kids in the marketplace say, way-o, way-o), Dominique should be worried about looking like Cruella de Vil, but she doesn't; she take a great picture. And then starts foaming at the mouth about how much Tyra liked her.  My favourite is when she says 'how many other girls can say that Tyra took their picture?'....um...off the top of my head, I can think of four others, Dom Dom, four.  And they're standing in the same room as you.  Sigh.

Fatima does really well, Whitney pushes her chest out too much, and Anya understands her angles like nobody else.

Judging Panel 8 pm: Don't Pull a Fatima and Be Late, Luuuv Tyra...

...so should read the final Tyra Mail, but it doesn't.  The girls congregate at the judging panel, with Tyra's greeting of 'bon soir'.  Um.  The one thing I have to say (well, I don't have to, but I will) is that Tyra can laugh at herself.  She corrects her french to italian and the girls mumble something back.  Then Tyra pulls out the awful Reggae/Italian when she's talking about the prized and introducing the judges. Comments from the judges include:

Anya - 'She looks bloody marvelous' (Nigel, of course, who else?)
Fat - 'I like her broken down busted waistline' (duh - Miss J!)
Dom - 'She could be a hostess at a really casual restaurant (Tyra - meow!)
Kat - no memorable quotes, but again with the mispronounced name, Tyra!
Whit - 'She stared into the light' (Nigel and Paulina both say this, at the same time)

After the deliberation, where Paulina demonstrates flirty eyes and Nigel looks away in disgust, Fatima, Anya and Dom are cleared for the next round, leaving Whit and Kat as the bottom two.  I tune out with Tyra giving her usual spiel about how the judges feel about them, because I'm distracted by Kat.  Is she wearing a belt...under her sweater?  Too late to worry about it, because Whit is in and Kat is out! 

Next week: Finally! Nigel behind the camera.  Black puffy coat and all!