Yawn. Isn't this cycle over yet? Hopefully, next cycle, Paulina will take over Tyra's spot and Tyra can compete with Nigel for the spot of noted fashion photographer. The J's are irreplaceable of course. The five remaining girls are still in Rome, with Whit deciding she needs to be more real, Fat claims she has no competition, Dom is having problems sleeping, Kat thinks everyone is close (in the competition, not as friends), and Anya is just happy to be away from home. We're at the point in the cycle where the girls are stepping up their game, or at least trying to, but there's enough drama for my liking. There's a sad attempt by Fat: 'Katrazyna should be behind a desk - as an accountant - on a computer', but that's not even close enough to catty to get me excited.
Fight For the Masses if You Want to Pose for the Classes...
...reads the first Tyra Mail of the evening. The Tyra Mail is scraping the bottom of the barrel. What it translates to is that the girls trek off to some ancient ruins in Rome and are met by Alex Mariotti, famed gladiating instructor to the stars, or something equally made up. Mr. Mariotti is going to teach the girls to fight like gladiators, but he still wants them to be models. He wants to see composure, elegance, fierceness, and toughness. In other words:
I know I called the whole Xena thing last week, but seriously, does anyone else see how Whitney totally fits that bill? Oh wait, my old pal Dominique does, except that she thinks Whit looks more like Xena's blonde sidekick. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Dominique, stick to your day 'job' of modelling or hostessing at TGIF at Mall of America or selling subscriptions to Seventeen magazine or driving your pre-teen kids to soccer practice or whatev, sister.
Anyhoo, the challenge is a photo challenge (I think Miss J said that about 10 times or so, just so no one would forget) and I think all the girls, except for maybe Fatima, do alright. Anya (Gabrielle) and Whitney (Xena) excel, Kat and Fat struggle a little, and Dom invokes Ralph Macchio and stands on one foot throughout her pose. That doesn't work for her, and Whitney wins the challenge (Prize: a 1000 euro shopping spree. Thankfully, Tyra's producers translate for me: 1556.00 USD). Whitney takes Anya along for the shopping spree.
By Now, Your Inexperience Should Be A Thing of the Past...
...reads the next Tyra Mail. Okay, okay, I get it: the girls go off to a castle (thing of the past) to do a photo shoot that is a modern day spin on the Renaissance (another thing of the past). But still, the Tyra Mail's are getting weaker. One of these times, it's going to say 'Yo, get in the fab-cab at 6 am and don't ask any questions. PS. Anya - you never guess right, so don't even guess the location on this one. Luuuuvvv Tyra.'
The twist on this shoot is that the girl's mama (played by Tyra) is doing the photo shoot. Tyra's artistic - I know this because she's got a big camera and she's lying on the floor the whole time, shooting from that angle, so that must mean something. Right?
The girls are a bit nervous about working with Tyra, but here's what I've learned from the Tyra School of Modelling, over the cycles:
1. Look fierce
2. If you don't know how to look fierce, look like you're in pain
3. Pose
4. Don't pose too much
5. Pose a little bit more
6. Take away the hoochie mama
7. Show some neck
8. Exaggerate, exaggerate, and exaggerate. That's pretty much Tyra's mantra for the whole shoot.
So the girls try their best to exaggerate. Kat doesn't do so well, she comes off walking like an egyptian (all the kids in the marketplace say, way-o, way-o), Dominique should be worried about looking like Cruella de Vil, but she doesn't; she take a great picture. And then starts foaming at the mouth about how much Tyra liked her. My favourite is when she says 'how many other girls can say that Tyra took their picture?'....um...off the top of my head, I can think of four others, Dom Dom, four. And they're standing in the same room as you. Sigh.
Fatima does really well, Whitney pushes her chest out too much, and Anya understands her angles like nobody else.
Judging Panel 8 pm: Don't Pull a Fatima and Be Late, Luuuv Tyra...
...so should read the final Tyra Mail, but it doesn't. The girls congregate at the judging panel, with Tyra's greeting of 'bon soir'. Um. The one thing I have to say (well, I don't have to, but I will) is that Tyra can laugh at herself. She corrects her french to italian and the girls mumble something back. Then Tyra pulls out the awful Reggae/Italian when she's talking about the prized and introducing the judges. Comments from the judges include:
Anya - 'She looks bloody marvelous' (Nigel, of course, who else?)
Fat - 'I like her broken down busted waistline' (duh - Miss J!)
Dom - 'She could be a hostess at a really casual restaurant (Tyra - meow!)
Kat - no memorable quotes, but again with the mispronounced name, Tyra!
Whit - 'She stared into the light' (Nigel and Paulina both say this, at the same time)
After the deliberation, where Paulina demonstrates flirty eyes and Nigel looks away in disgust, Fatima, Anya and Dom are cleared for the next round, leaving Whit and Kat as the bottom two. I tune out with Tyra giving her usual spiel about how the judges feel about them, because I'm distracted by Kat. Is she wearing a belt...under her sweater? Too late to worry about it, because Whit is in and Kat is out!
Next week: Finally! Nigel behind the camera. Black puffy coat and all!
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