Bachelorette Second Chance Episode One: Pearl necklaces and crabs

Good grief, this was a long episode.  Don't get me wrong, I love checking out the dudes.  Love it.  But wow, I was actually relieved when we got to the doling out of roses.  It seemed like a long time coming. 

The show begins with a small recap of DeAnna's heart being broken by B-Dub and it makes me wonder if our old friend is tuning in this season.  In a previous post, I mentioned that I thought it would be pretty cool if B-Dub played each episode on the big screen at one of his bars, with shots of tequila every time his name is mentioned.  You'd be hammered by the first commercial, I guarantee it.

After the recap, we fast forward to DeAnna today, picking out frocks at ABS, strolling down the beach, and reading scripted lines about how excited she is, how much she believes in the show, how much 'the process' works. Yawn. The scripting continues when she has her fireside chat with Chris-Bot.  I like Chris-Bot as much as the next girl, but wow does he know how to lead people:

CB: It sounds like you are unbelievably sincere in the reasons you've come back here to do this show again
DeA: Exactly. Why put myself through this all over again if I'm not putting in 100%?

During the limo meet-and-greets, there are very few memorable moments, in my opinion.  Lots of 'looking forward to talking to you inside', 'great to meet you', and 'you look great'.  Not a lot of substance.  And too much twirling.  Seriously, enough with the twirling.

Let's review the dudes in no particular order and see what magic they bring to the table tonight:

Jeremy, one of my top dog picks (see my pre-game post) is smooth.  He gets the first First Impression Rose (small twist: she gets to hand out three in the first episode).  J-dog was the last one out of the limo, DeAnna asks him to say something good that she wants to hear.  He says something in a foreign language and promises to translate it for her later.  Nice.  Niiice.  Also, a real estate lawyer and she's in real estate.  Nice.

Robert, he's not a master in the art of seduction, but he's definitely working on a degree.  Cheesy? Yes.  Effective? Yes.  This cat is a 6-foot something chef who likes to dance and is pretty confident.  He makes her some type of crab dish, which he serves up with champagne.  Not too bad for a first impression.  Roberto makes the cut and gets a rose.

Chandler is a odd duck.  Ha, ha, that pun was SO intended.  When Chandler got out of the limo, he stared way off to the left for about half an hour before he walked over.  Odd.  Then, to impress DeAnna, he pulls out a duck whistle (is that what they're called?) and blows it.  To impress her. Chandler as he's getting ready: best suit jacket? Check. Mints? Check. Duck whistle? Check.  What was he thinking?? Quelle surprise, Chandler Bing does not get a rose.

Eric is another of my top-dog picks, and this one is a no-brainer.  He grew up in Greece, and therefore speaks Greek fluently.  He's confident, quiet, wears an expensive suit and looks comfortable in it.  He might be a tad too close to his mother but time will tell: E-dog gets a rose.

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.  Where to begin?  Dude rolls out of the limo with a tapestry suit jacket and neon pink shoelaces.  I'm surprised he didn't high-five her.  But turns out dude has a personality and seems a bit sincere; despite being one of my interesting cats, he pulls off the second First Impression Rose, after a little helping hand from DeAnna's new BFF Jenni shows up and gives him two thumbs up.  (Sidebar: that Jenni appearance was a bit strange).

Brian W from Indiana does not get a rose, but I don't really recall him anyhow, except for his desperate attempt at winning her over by spontaneously un-tucking his shirt to show her his abs of steel.  Please.  Chicks do not dig that.  Yes, chicks dig abs of steel.  But chicks do not dig guys SHOWING us their abs of steel.  Please learn the subtle difference, Brian W from Indiana. Thank you.

Chris was also not too memorable, except for a wonky eye, and the fact that he got a rose.  And that he confessed to cheating on a girl once.  And still gets a rose.  Interesting.

Donato seems like the type of guy that drinks too much rye at every party and starts spitting on people that he's talking to.  All this before 8 pm.  At 8:15, he asks Jenni to come sick on his lap.  Yeah pal, that's going to work. He does not get a rose.

Speaking of drinking a lot of rye, let me introduce you to Paul.  Paul's a bit of a wild man, who has 'small town mentality', grew up in Canada (go Paul!), likes to strip down and jump in pools, gets custom-made undies with DeAnna's name on them, and in general, seems like a fun guy.  Canuck gets a rose!

Let's call it like it is, ladies, Graham is a catch. His 'on screen' job is that he's a pro basketball player, but he also has investments in bars (a little bit like B-Dub, but no worries), and wants to start a children's charity.  He's quiet, charming, confident, and has good stubble.  Also one of my top-dogs, G-dog gets a rose.

Brian W from Texas makes absolutely no impression on me, but hey, I don't matter, and DeAnna gives him a rose.  Thankfully, from this point on, we can call him Brian, not by the awkward moniker of Brian W from Texas.

Fred is a lawyer who's signature move is a Chicago Bear Hug.  Okay.  He gets a rose.

Luke is a famous fictional character from General Hospital. Oh. Hang on.  No. Luke is actually an oyster farmer who gives DeAnna a pearl necklace.  Ahem.  Luke is a bit shy and feels out of place; I feel a bit badly for him.  I also notice that, despite wearing the pearl necklace for part of the evening, it is not present during the Rose Ceremony.  Ergo, no rose for Luke.  Did I just use ergo?  Yes, twice.  See what I mean about being relieved to reach the Rose Ceremony?  Waaay too many dudes.

Richard is officially my pick for winner of the whole show.  As one of my top dog pre-season picks, R-dog is a geeky science teacher.  He also presents a gift to DeAnna, which I was hoping would be a cool t-shirt, maybe this one, but instead it's a random piece of crystal, that he's hoping he can replace with a diamond some day.  Now, if any other dude said that, he'd be out.  But Richard pulls it off.  I can't explain it boys, but it's true: we chicks are crazy. R-dog gets the final First Impression Rose.  Oh yeah, better start shopping for rocks right now, Richie Rich.

Greg is crazy and sometimes talks about himself in third person.  Greg will rise from the ashes.  Greg will walk through fire for the rose.  Greg will rip off his shirt (not kidding) and howl at the moon like a coyote.  Greg will next be seen on WWE.  Greg will not get a rose.

Jeffrey is a good-looking math teacher who, unfortunately did not get any screen time or one-on-one time with DeAnna.  Not that I noticed, anyway.  Jeffrey does not get a rose.

Jason is a single-dad (shhh, don't tell DeAnna) who's pretty good looking.  He's a bit aggressive, but not over the top.  I think he'll go far.

I think Jon was wearing a royal-blue vest under his grey suit.  He also spends way too much time working on his hair. Frosted tips are so 15 years ago, Jon.  No rose for you!

Ryan has been in-and-out of the NFL for the past few years, and made one of the only memorable impressions as he got out of the limo: he told her that he'd always be the one smiling, and that he has strong faith.  Ryan gets a rose.

When I first typed Sean's name I mispelled it as Seam, so Seam it is. Seam is a martial artist with a significant mullet, who proved himself to be a serious idiot by kicking a lemon off of Jesse's head as his memorable trick.  It apparently worked since he got himself a rose.

Blaine, or Twilley as his friends call him, seems like an obnoxious dolt off camera, but somehow does enough to get himself a rose, even after trying to shake DeAnna's hand when he first met her.

Patrick C seems like a nice enough kid, a bit like Topher Grace with five-day stubble, but also doesn't make enough of an impression to stick around.  No worries, I get the feeling Patrick C was only on the show because he lost a bet.  Look for him at one of B-Dub's bar, wasted on tequila.

Patrick D hits the 'roids a little too hard for my taste.  And apparently DeAnna's as well.  This guy is massive but seems alright; however, he does not get a rose.

Ron is a very serious guy, previously married, and works part time in a barbershop quartet.  Kidding, of course, he manages a barbershop or whatever, but what is up with the vest but no jacket look he was pulling off?  Give him a black armband to tie over the shirt, and a straw boater hat, and he's more than halfway there.  Anyhow, Ron gets a rose.

Finally, last and least, Spero.  Spero is an actor who looks like he doesn't make any impression on DeAnna. Makes me wonder if they were just trying to fill spots on the show.  I'm just sayin'.  He does not get a rose.

Phew!  We are done!  To finish the show, we see some clips from the upcoming season including baseball games, hoedowns, an appearance on the Ellen show, race car driving, scuba diving, outdoor showers, tears, and dramatic rose ceremonies.  Should be a great season!