You know, DeAnna’s an interesting bird. I remember when she was on the ‘first’ show, with B-Dub, and throughout most of the season, I didn’t like her. She was stirring up trouble with the other girls and not too well liked. By the end, I liked her. Tonight’s episode resurfaced many of those ambivalent feelings for her. Maybe ambivalent is too nice of a word, actually. Let’s see how it all went down in the Most.Shocking.Episode.Ever.
Nine dudes remain. Thankfully, we don’t open with a recap of DeAnna getting dumped by B-Dub. But don’t you worry, his name will come up during the episode, by DeAnna. I’m telling you, she is not over that guy. And who could blame her, really, with the current collection of dudes. We begin with a recap of Richard and Jason’s one-on-one dates from last week. Nice. Richard gets canned and Jason gets a rose. We get it, DeAnna, you’re not going to be nice. You’re not going to do to these guys what Brad did to you. Well, actually, sister, you kind of are doing exactly what B-Dub did to you.
Killing Me Softly With His Song
The first challenge of the night is delivered by Chris-Bot, who tells the guys that they have 20 minutes to write a song, which they will then perform to DeAnna and the other guys. Brian is the only guy who enjoys it. In fact, he enjoys it so much that he is writing four whole verses and a refrain. The best part of Chris-Bot’s job emerges right here, right now. He gets to watch these yaks perform their ‘songs’. Fred does okay. It’s a good thing that Graham’s hot, because one of his lyrics is that ‘no one know’s there’s a conflict between you and I’. Robert and Twilley think they are cowboys. Jeremy’s the whitest guy on the show yet feels the need to rap. Sean and Jason do more of a spoken word type of thing and less of a song. Jesse is the only one who gives DeAnna any love, so he wins the one-on-one date with DeAnna. He’s not sure what the date will consist of, but he does know that he doesn’t have a thing to wear. Thankfully, DeAnna is already dressing these guys, and she sends down a suit for him.
Jesse and DeAnna take a limo to the Wiltern, which is a big old concert hall, that is empty except for the two of them (and camera and production crew of course). Good lord, she makes Jesse perform his song for her again, on stage. Is she actually enjoying this? Make them jump through a few more hoops why don’t you, DeeDee? Dance, monkey, dance! Following this debacle, they have a sit-down dinner with a Q&A, where we learn that Jesse:
- has never cheated on a girlfriend
- is stubborn
- is trying to open up
- has real feelings for DeAnna
- is genuine
We also learn that DeAnna is soaking this up, although she admits that she’s not usually attracted to guys ‘like him’. Nice try at a compliment, DeAnna. She forks over a rose and then they get a surprise private performance from Natasha Bedingfield.
Back at the house, Brian, Twilley, Sean, Jeremy, Graham and Jason learn that they will be on the group date, which means that Fred and Rob are left to go on the two-on-one date. Yikes.
Dale Earnhardt Turns Over in His Grave (note: that is not a picture of Dale)
The group date consists of the boys going to the Auto Club Speedway in a doublewide trailer, y’all. They’re going to race around a track and who ever drives the fastest wins a special surprise from DeAnna. Brian is up first, has some problems starting the car, but then does well (140 mph). Jason looks hilarious behind the wheel, Graham hasn’t driven a car in two years (I’m telling you, good thing he’s hot, because there isn’t a lot there otherwise), and Jeremy doesn’t even crack a smile when he’s behind the wheel. Twilley’s performance is uneventful (that’s what she said), and Sean seriously looks like he might kill himself. He doesn’t care if he crashes into everyone at the finish line; he’s going to win. And he does, with 141.11 mph. Later, DeAnna takes a twirl around the track and looks fairly smug, coming in at the fastest time at 141.62 mph.
Sean gets some special one-on-one time with DeAnna where he does a lot of talking and not a lot of listening. He tells her that they have a lot of the ‘same similarities’ and when she mentions that she lived in Kentucky before her mom passed away, there was an awkward pause where any normal guy might have addressed the mom factor, but Sean’s reaction? He bursts out in a laugh, says he feels like he just got a huge boost of confidence, and that he knew that they had this bluegrass connection. From there, I thought he was doomed. But no, DeAnna, that complex bird, forks over a rose to him.
The usual formula follows: each guy gets some on one-on-one time with DeAnna, beginning with Jeremy. Then Graham interrupts and they go for a walk. There’s a lot of touching and gazing and arm stroking. She’s very attracted to him. And then, trouble: Graham ‘opens up’ and tells her that he’s having a hard time with all the other guys around and so he finds himself holding back a little. Her reaction? She gives her usual spiel: She knows exactly what the guys are going through, she’s been through with B-Dub, don’t you remember? Her logic seems to be that since she’s been though it herself and knows what the guys are going through, that they shouldn’t be feeling that way. Um. What? Shouldn’t it be the opposite – that she would feel some empathy for these cats? It’s like she’s punishing Graham for making her like him too much. Sigh. Chicks are crazy.
Trouble at the Henhouse
The next day, the guys pull a reverse date card and invite DeAnna and the Big House boys down to the Outhouse for a barbecue. They set up a kids table for Bobbie, and Bobbie doesn’t like it. He throws his chair, pulls up his collar and storms off like a brat. All of the guys, except Bobbie, decide to take their shirts off, and clown around with each other. It looks a bit weak, I guess, but who cares? DeAnna cares. She pouts and whines like a fussy princess and confronts the guys, because no one is paying enough attention to her, she should be the center of attention, aren’t they all there for her? I kid you not, she delivers some speech, starts to cry and then storms off to the house. At this point, if I were one of the guys, I might pack my bag and leave. If I were B-Dub, I’d be laughing my heart out. What goes around comes around, sister. When she was one of the girls on the Bachelor, she was right in the thick of it, causing trouble with the other girls, and not making any friends. But when the tables are turned, watch out.
Two Boys Fall Short
Later, Rob and Fred leave in a limo for their date with DeAnna (sidebar: we finally get to see the limo driver, and it’s not Chris-Bot!). Fred confides to the camera that he’s got personality and Rob thinks that whoever gets the first kiss has got it in the bag. Therefore, he’s going to go for that first kiss, whether she’s ready or not. At dinner, DeAnna asks the boys what’s the romantic thing they’ve ever done for another girl. Weak question. A better question: what’s the most romantic thing you’d like us to do together? But, sigh, I don’t write the show. Not that it’s scripted, mind you. Never scripted!
The boys answer:
Rob: Took his ex-fiancée (alarm bell one) to Las Vegas and did a sunset tour in a helicopter. Then something about a dozen monkeys each holding a dozen roses, which the monkeys tossed at them while they made love in a heart-shaped bed at the Bellagio or something. It took him six months to pay off the date (alarm bell two).
Fred: He’s more low-key. He surprised a girl after work on a Friday and took her to Lake Geneva (close to Chicago), where they watched the sun set from a boat.
I conclude that Fred is a good guy and really does have personality. With Rob’s first one-on-one time he goes for a kiss right away and gets brushed off. Awkward. But not to our boy Bobbie. He admits that he got a brush-off, but that it could get naughty later. That’s right, naughty. Who talks like that? In the meantime, I think he’s unbuttoned another button on his chambray shirt and I’ve stopped listening to his smooth talking. He mentions something about looking up rose in the dictionary, and seeing his face there. What the ?
At dinner, DeAnna starts the spiel and then blindsides Rob by telling him that she can’t give him a rose tonight. Whoa, he looks startled and even more like Elvis than usual. Bobbie’s sad in the limo home. Back at the date, Fred looks relieved. But then…wait for it…she sends Fred packing, too. Pulls a B-Dub on the unsuspecting Fred!! And actually says she got led on by B-Dub so can’t do the same to Fred. Um. You just did sister. One way not to do that to Fred: Don’t go on the Bachelorette. Another way not to do that to Fred: Ditch them both at the same time, so we don’t have to see that look of relief on Fred’s face when Rob goes home. Because that look is the same one you had, DeAnna, when B-Dub told you he had just sent Jenni home. Exactly the same.
Back at the house, Jason greets poor old broken-hearted DeAnna and they snuggle on a lounger by the fire. Maybe this is why she axed both Rob and Fred, so she could spend a night alone with Jason. Either way, Jason is scoring some major points here.
At the pre-Rose Ceremony, I’m once again distracted by Sean’s beetlejuice suit, which is a couple of sizes too small. Sean would give anything to be in Jason’s position. This coming from a guy who has a rose and said to a guy who doesn’t have a rose. Smart, Sean, smart. There’s the usual conversations at the pre-Rose Ceremony and then every one hits the pool to blow off some steam. While they’re all in the hot tub, Chris-Bot comes running out of the house towards the pool and jumps in, yelling ‘CANNONBALL’. When he surfaces, he tings his glass and says it’s time to dole out roses. One man will go home. Jesse and Sean are safe. The four remaining roses go to Jason, Jeremy, Twilley and Graham. Poor Brian, he’s out. Not really a surprise.
Next week: A ‘special’ episode consisting of a fireside chat between Chris-Bot and DeAnna where DeAnna reveals her true feelings about the six remaining guys. I don’t know if I can sit through an hour of serious-talking, eye-blinking, scripted responses DeAnna. Thankfully there are supposed to be some outtakes from the shows.
Book Club/Drinking Game questions and Random thoughts:
- In the Big Brother/Outhouse, there is a lamp above the pool table with a picture on it. Is this picture one of dogs playing pool?
- Often I’ve hoped for an episode where each dude invites either an ex-girlfriend, an ex-fiancee, or an ex-wife on to the show, where she could give us an honest analysis of what he was like.
- Have you ever noticed that Rob always wore collared shirts? Also, that if it were short sleeved, the collar would be up and if it were long-sleeved, the collar would be down, but half of the buttons on the shirt would be undone as well. Oh yeah, I notice crap like that.
- Why would Rob use the phrase ‘smooth, rich, succulent’ and then purr when referring to his upcoming date with DeAnna? Repulsive.
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