Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Three: Waiting for a Star to Fall

Let me show you how to cut down two hours of show into one hour.  No, let me cut it down to one line only:

DeAnna to Jason: 'I've never, in my 26 years, dated a guy who wanted to know a thing about my mother.'

Game over, girls, game over.  Jason might as well have pulled out the rock right then and there and ended everyone's misery.  But let's move back a few steps and review the whole two-hour show in a series of random points so you can understand the context of that line:

1. Why does every episode have to begin with the recap of DeAnna getting dumped by B-Dub?  It’s depressing.  While we’re on the topic of DeAnna and B-Dub, she brings up his name a lot. Too much, in fact.  Almost as if she might be doing the whole show just to spite him. Not a good sign.


2. Do you get the feeling that the ‘Outhouse’, where the majority of the guys are staying, is just a recycled Big Brother set?  Something about the blue walls with no windows, the bunk beds, the moose head on the wall…it’s suspicious.


3. Graham’s not bad looking but I’m not a fan of the playoff beard he’s got going on.  DeAnna, however, loves the beard.  He also struts around like he was just riding a horse all day.  Or he just dropped a big load in his diaper.  Oh yeah, I went there. Watch for it.


4. There’s really no difference between the date card and the date box, since the date box contains only one thing: the date card.  Why couldn’t the Dude Ranch date box have come with all the boots and hats instead of getting it separately? It’s like they’re pulling this together at the last minute.


5. Richard.  Poor Richard.  He got the first one-on-one date with DeAnna and they have a rooftop dinner with a beautiful nighttime view of downtown LA.  I like Richard.  In fact, he was my pick to win it all.  But this date is not going well, right from the start.  It’s a bit awkward, and he’s coming off like a dorky high school student, especially with his 80-20 kiss theory, which one of his students probably told him as a joke and that Richard took way too seriously.  They go for a carriage ride, which might be my worst date nightmare, in which DeAnna does not give Richard a rose.  She actually stops the ride part way, tells him she can’t give him a rose, and then asks him to get out.  I especially like how the horse-drawn carriage has stopped right in the heart of Compton.  Good luck, Richard! And nice work, DeAnna. 


6. The Dude Ranch.  Dudes on Ranches.  Dudes singing campfire songs.  The dudes are out on the ranch, and their first job is to learn a line dance, with Billy Ray as their instructor.  Hey, Billy Ray’s been out of work for a while, give the cat a break!  Of course, I’m kidding, it’s not Mr. Cyrus at all, but it might as well have been. That line dance was weak.  None of the guys seemed to do really well, although it was hard to tell them apart, what with all the matching plaid shirts and white cowboy hats.  Thankfully, Graham ditched the white cowboy hat for his cool-boy black baseball hat.  Their next fun task is a ride on a mechanical bull, where Jesse stays on the longest.  DeAnna decides to play a prank on the boys, and pretends to be really hurt when she falls off of the bull.  All the boys come to her rescue (with Jesse in the lead) except for Ron, who is too busy drinking coffee out of a stainless steel mug and readjusting his chaps.  I don’t like Ron, but DeAnna didn’t win any points for me either with that ‘prank’.


7. Jesse continues to win me over; he seems to be a genuine guy.  But he still needs a haircut.


8. Twilley reminds me more and more each episode of Pee Wee Herman.


9. I don’t like Ron.  When he and DeAnna had their one-on-one time during the Dude Ranch date, he seemed like he was a dad, giving his daughter a lecture about the relationship between guys. 


10. These guys are way too serious.  Is this how guys talk when they’re alone with each other?  There seem to be a lot of deep conversations and soul-searching revelations.


11. Jason gets the other one-on-one date with DeAnna, and the pressure is on, especially because Richard went home mid-date and Jason is going to tell DeAnna about his son.  Should be a good one.  But this date is amazing, and I’m now rooting for Jason (hey, my other pick just got the boot half an hour ago so I need to find someone new).  Jason and DeAnna go for a helicopter ride and then they land at an Observatory for dinner, champagne, and checking out of the stars.  They seem to have a real conversation at dinner, and begin talking about family.  Jason tells DeAnna about his son, and she handles it well.  He asks about her mom, and she opens up to him about her mom’s battle with cancer and then makes the comment, that, in my opinion, basically ended the show, maybe even the season (see the start of the post).  Jason gets a rose, but he might as well have pulled out a diamond ring right there and then.  If you watched the episode, you’ll agree with me.


12. The next day, all the guys hit the Ellen show with DeAnna.  Ellen makes the requisite jokes about how hard it is to find a good woman, but does ask the guys some good questions, like ‘What’s the best thing about DeAnna?’ or ‘Who’s kissed DeAnna?’ or ‘Who’s been in the longest relationship?’ (Ron), and ‘Who’s been in the shortest relationship?’ (Graham). Graham’s hand went up so fast with that last question.  And who’s with me here, when Ellen asked him how short it was, I really thought he was going to say ‘one night’.  Come on, let’s call it like it is, people.  But instead, he said ‘Five…five…five months’. I did enjoy how Ellen got to reward a rose to one guy (Fred) and played the great music on the ghetto blaster.  Nice, Ellen, nice.


13. At the Pre-Rose Ceremony, many of the guys had one last chance to have one-on-one time with DeAnna.  Ron seals his fate by saying that at first, he didn’t think that DeAnna was his type, but now he’s fully ‘engaged in the process’.  Ron is too serious and too scripted for my liking.  Jeremy interrupts, and DeAnna seems grateful.  But I’m not into Jeremy.  I know he was one of my top-dog picks, but there’s something about him that I just don’t like.  Can’t quite put my finger on it, but he’s creepy.  Graham gives the right answers to the questions, although he does admit that he’s having a hard time competing with all the other guys.  No worries, Graham, one stroke of your beard and DeAnna will be under your spell.


14. When Jason and DeAnna have one-on-one time at the Pre-Rose Ceremony, she pulls out a certificate, which says that she has had a star named in honour of his son.  Bold.  Jason is overcome with emotion at this point.  It’s touching, but then DeAnna makes a cryptic comment (not to Jason, but to Chris)…something about how if things don’t work out, at least Jason will have this certificate and star named after Ty.  Strange. But for now, let’s just believe that Jason will be the last man standing.


15. The whole standing in front of the pictures and chitchatting about some of the guys with Chris-Bot could have been left out. 


16. Finally, time to dole out the roses.  We know that Rob, Jason, and Fred are safe.  The other six roses go to Twilley, Jesse, Jeremy, Brian, Graham and Sean.  What a rag-tag bunch, hey?  Did Sean even get screen time this week, other than when she made some backhanded comment about his haircut?  The youngest (Paul) and the oldest (Ron) are rejected, even though Paul was living in the house with her this week.  I especially love Ron’s rationalization about why he didn’t get a rose: ‘DeAnna didn’t reject me, she just chose other guys’.  Sure pal.  I guarantee that at that moment, your ex-wife just did a shot of tequila with our old friend B-Dub, while lying in a king size bed at some resort in Vegas.

Next week: DeAnna breaks down in tears and one of the guys has the Most.Romantic.One-on-One Date.Ever.  Just like every week, except for it had better only be one hour long.