ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Eight: I don't have time to think 'bout immigration!

I'm too busy puking in the garbage, y'all. But more on Joslyn later.

These shows are just like Law & Order (which I love, by the way). Not in any of the content and such, but just in how the structure is always the same.  You know, crime/police/investigation in the first half hour, lawyers/court/Jack going nuts at the trial in the second half.  It's brilliant.

ANTM is similar because it's always structured the same: the girls debrief and whine at the start of the show, we're interrupted by Tyra Mail.  Next, the first challenge is weak and sad, the girls have a cat-fight, then we have the judging challenge.  Following this, probably a dip in the hot tub, some alcohol, Tyra Mail, judging panel, Nigel, deliberation, elimination.  I guess there's no other way to really do the show successfully, but it does get somewhat predictable.  As well, at some point in the episode, we have a Whitney commercial and towards the end (before the judges deliberate), a commercial talking about some past model who's made it big in the modeling world.  Really, this blog could write itself.

So, let me break it down for you.

Part One: The girls debrief and whine

This time we are treated to Elina and Marj forming a connection, if you will, through their intensely European roots.  Talk about trying to stir up drama.  I was hoping for a cat fight between Sheena and Elina, but no.  Just a bunch of teenagers and early twenty-something ANTM contenders complaining about how hard life can be when you're driving around LA in a limo-bus, shacked up in a gorgeous house with no responsibilities, and competing for some exciting prize that I always fast forward through when Tyra explains it.  Boo hoo, ladies.  Get over it.  Poor Sam, she chides Elina about how she's had, like, 11 years or whatever, to get used to American life.  Who would have thought that a statement like that would finally get Elina to 'lose control' and cry and look real, but it did.  Too bad a photographer wasn't around to capture the moment.  Tyra would have frothed at the mouth for that picture.

Part Two: Tyra Mail!

In a picture reminiscent of Analeigh's interviewer-on-the-red-carpet shoot, Tyra greets the girls with the first Tyra Mail, something about working it (and yes, my PVR crapped out on me at this point, so excuse me Elina, but if anyone has anything to cry about, it's probably me).

Part Three: First challenge

This challenge involves two of the scariest looking people in the world, and Ann Shoket from Seventeen magazine.  The girls had to model dresses and accessories but the rest of their bodies were covered in green body suits, so that in the video, the girls appear somewhat invisible.  Cool concept.  The girls for the most part look awkward, especially Marjorie, who is wearing a tight tube dress.  Unfortunately, the top part of the tube slides down to her waist, revealing an invisible top, thankfully.  She's so awkward.  As I said, most of the girls are awkward, but Elina wins.  The reward?  A shoot with Seventeen magazine, where Elina chooses Marjorie and Analeigh to join her, and the trio look chipper and carefree and not really seventeen at all, but they seem pleased.

Part Four: More cat-fighting

This part could really be an extension of the first part, and who knows, with the editing that's done on this show, it's hard to know what order things happen in.  But in this part, Sheena and Elina have a shouting match, and it's classic teenage angst and over-importance, so it's entertaining.

Part Five: Judging challenge - The Cover Girl commercial!

Hooray, always my favourite, the Cover Girl shoot.  I love the girls walking and talking at the same time.  So much fun.  On the set, Joslyn is puking.  Literally.  She really provides the only real drama.  That, and Whitney makes a guest appearance to give the girls tips.  Yawn.  Let's get to the commercials: Analeigh and Sheena actually do quite well; McKey and Marjorie are the weakest.  Anyone surprised?  I didn't think so.

Part Six: Tyra Mail

The usual - only six will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model.

Part Seven: Judging Panel

The girls are greeted with Tyra challenging them to walk up and down the plank with Dutch wooden shoes on.  I've got to admit that I didn't see it coming (honestly), but the reason they had to wear the shoes is that the remaining six are going to Amsterdam!  Hooray - a road trip!  Miss J dons the blond wig and Dutch girl cap and looks good.  He also does a good imitation of Marjorie as a chicken; so multi-talented, that Miss J.

Part Eight: Deliberation and Elimination

The judges have the usual conversations about Elina being too controlled,  Marjorie being awkward but taking amazing pictures, Sheena being a slinky fox, McKey having a pretty face but not being able to talk or show emotion, and how hard it is to find a model who can take great pictures AND look great when they're moving.  In the end, we're left with:  Analeigh, Sheena, Samantha, Marjorie, McKey, and Elina.  Poor Joslyn is going home, but not without stopping first to puke in the model's house.

Next week: Amsterdam, y'all!

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Six: If NYC is the city that never sleeps, why should my lip colour?

At the start of the show, it's morning (probably around 11 am) and the girls are lamenting about how strict all their parents are, while McKey Mouse makes brekkie in the background. Sidebar: did she actually put the mixing bowl right on the stove's element to cook the pancake? Apparently, someone's parents weren't strict enough. We learn that Elina moved to the US from the Ukraine when she was a child and I'm left to wonder why we're only hearing about this now, while Marj has been frothing at the mouth about her assimilation challenges since day one.

Soon, the girls leave in the Eco-Friendly is Fierce Bus and are taken to yet another undisclosed location, where they enter a room and are greeted by a real envelope marked as Tyra Mail. A few moments later, Ms. Banks bursts through the brick wall, wearing her postman get-up and reads the real Tyra Mail aloud. First of all, she reads it from a script, and second, the only reason Ty-Ty is reading in person is that the mail is waaaay too long to fit on one powerpoint slide.

Tyra (in her best reading-to-children voice):

Neither rain nor sleet nor my achy achy feet will keep you from your Tyra Mail this week. It's time you learned your signature style, so you'll be a fierce top model, chile. I'll show you my tricks, but let's be frank, you'll be thankin' Miss Tyra when you're making big bank. Love, Tyra.

Now, I'm not a poet, but when you have to make up words or use slang (ex: chile instead of child) just to get a rhyme....probably you should stick to your day job.

The girls change quickly into black dresses and heels and meet Tyra in another room, where they see that Ty-Ty is posing, and quite fiercelly. She's jumping around town, posing like no one's ever posed before. So much so, that she's out of breath when she starts explaining to the girls that she's going to help them find their 'Signature Pose', which are:

Analeigh - rebel ice skater. Riiiight.
McKey - boxer with a neck.
Samantha - hands. Is that even a pose?
Lauren Brie - couldn't think of a pose, so she became 'Surfer Chick' and then skulked off and cried afterwards because she's trying really really hard to show everyone that she has a personality and a lot of friends back home who really really love her but this modeling thing is sooo hard.
Sheena - 'hoochie, but not hoochie' was her suggestion, but Tyra decided that her signature pose will be 'cultural dance' instead, because that's really an improvement
Joslyn - not too sure if J-Dawg said her signature pose was that she wanted to look 'wide' or 'white' (either way, it's awkward) but Tyra changed it to 'Profile'
Elina - top model of the world. I kid you not.
Marj (cue the accordion) - Hunchback of Notre Dame. Wow, she took some scary pictures, but actually won the challenge, which was some expensive jewelry from a shop I've never heard of.

Let's take a commercial break for a moment:

Nigel Barker is guest starring on Privileged on October 22 - set your PVR.

Whitney continues her saga as a Top Model in NYC and moans about her long days as a model. Up at 6, home by 10, napping by noon. Or something like that. Thankfully, she has her Cover Girl lip colour that never sleeps. Phew.

All the previews for Stylista are starting to get to me. The obvious comparisons to Miranda Priestly, what with the flopping of the coat on the assistant's desk and the complaints about how particular she is about how she takes her coffee. Right down to the mean-looking niece who might as well have asked for the unprinted copy of the latest Harry Potter manuscript. Obviously I'll be watching the show, but come on.

And we're back to the show and back to:

Tyra Mail! 'You'd better bring it or you're never going to work in this town again. Love, Tyra'.

Of course, the actual challenge really had nothing much to do with the Tyra Mail. Really, the mail could have said: 'The bus will be here at 6 pm. Be on it. Tyra'.

The challenge:
A recreation of the Fiercee Awards.
Our guest photographer:
Someone, NOT Nigel
The situation:
Each girl was given an awards show situation to recreate for the camera
My thoughts:
Interesting premise, but where's Nigel?

Here's the lineup:

Marj 'I have to pee but can't get my gown off'. She's not my favourite by a long shot, but she does take good pictures.

Samantha 'I'm trying to read the teleprompter but am blinded by the bright lights'. Has anyone else noticed that Sam has gone off the deep end this episode? Granted, she's the youngest, but all the weird accents, crazy antics while getting hair and makeup done, general excitability, and struggling with a Rubik's cube...odd.

Elina 'I'm an overemotional actress'. Yeah, like they didn't purposefully assign this to Elina, to get her to try to lose control and show some emotion. She admits that she doesn't like crying in front of people, but the Silver Fox breaks her down and she does shed one tear. Thankfully, the photographer caught it.

Lauren 'I just tripped on the stairs leading up to the stage'. I thought her picture was not that bad, although no one else seemed to like it.

McKey 'I got nominated but didn't win'. The best part was when we saw McKey walking onto the set, coming up the aisle. She might as well have had on gloves and a metallic hooded cape, spit on the ground, put in a mouthguard, and given a nod to the Silver Fox to get this party started.

Sheena 'Someone stepped on my dress'. I still like Sheena, but she may be slipping.

Joslyn 'I have the same dress as someone else'. This happened to me recently at a wedding I attended (not my own, thankfully). I didn't give the other girl such a fierce look.

Analeigh 'I'm interviewing a star but could care less'. I'm not a huge fan of Analeigh but really liked her picture.

Up next, the judging panel. I guess Tyra wants to be like McKey, because she wore some ridiculous black hooded outfit and some black gloves. I thought she was trying to be like a boxer, but no. No, no, no. Thankfully, Miss Banks corrected me by letting me know that she was trying to be theatrical like the girls, and was therefore actually portraying Little Black Riding Hood. Good grief.

The judging panel itself was pretty uneventful. I need more life from Miss J and thought that all the girls actually looked pretty good (in their pictures), but in the end Marjorie came up as winner (eyes popping, shoulders slouching, back hunching, and arms flailing) and Lauren Brie came in last. Strange cycle, no? I'll leave with an image of Miss J, doing one of his many signature poses:

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Five: Negativity is a mild form of realism, quoth Marjorie

Alternative title:

'Wow, these birds take themselves a tad too seriously' quoth me.

Before tonight's episode began, I was thinking that I would blog about the top 10 moments of the episode.  And then I watched it.  And I couldn't come up with 2 memorable moments, let along 10.  So, here are 10 thoughts and/or moments, some memorable, some not:

1. Are the cycles getting shorter?

Probably not, but it just feels as though they are. This feels true of many other reality shows that I enjoy watching.  Example: The Bachelor.  The season used to last forever (or so I thought), now it feels like I could zip through the season in a long weekend.  Anyhow, I checked, and no, we're right on track for the number of episodes in a cycle.  I know what you're thinking: phew.

2. What up, Samantha?

Granted, she takes good pictures, for the most part.  But she's part Anna Faris' character in the Legally Blonde rip-off and part Ashlee Simpson, so I'm not the biggest fan.  I predict she'll make it to the top five, and then be out, giving us this look:

3. I need more drama, y'all!

I miss Jade's talking in third person, Heather/Lauren's awkwardness, Anya's horrible 'Hawaiian accent' and CariDee telling Nigel he had a pole up his... ahem.  Also, Natasha the crazy Russian mail-order bride, Good Ole Amis, Joanie, Chachi, and so on and so forth.  There just doesn't seem to be the drama and memorable characters that I love about this show.  I know that they're trying to make a big deal out of Marjorie - more on her later - but I just don't buy it.  I thought Elina might be an interesting bird, maybe Joslyn, but no dice.  Yawn.

4. Whitney and her Life as a Top Model.

Oh lord.  Last week it was Whitney pedaling through the streets of NYC in slow motion, pretending she was in Paris, waving at people in the street, with a baguette in her basket, and flowing skirt miraculously not getting caught in the pedals of her bike.  This week, our girl-next-door Whit was baking cupcakes for two of her pals in her Soho loft.  She explained to us that make-up is just like baking: you need to find the right balance of make-up just like you need to have the right balance of sugar when you bake.  Um.  I'll admit that I don't exactly fast forward through these 'My Life as a Model' segments, but I don't actually buy them either.  And I'm sure, somewhere, there'll be some criticism about a plus sized girl baking sugary cupcakes.  But I don't care, because I'm now distracted by the thought of cupcakes. Chocolate, vanilla icing, AND sprinkles!?!  Bring it on, Whitney, I'll pretend to froth at the mouth when you show me your modeling portfolio if you fork a few cakes my way.

5.  Having said that about Whitney,

I do like the Top Models in Action segments, partly because Nigel Barker reads it, and partly because I like seeing where former model contestants are.

6. Marjorie

Remember that Simpson's episode where Marg met that suave French dude and they went bowling together and Homer was worried she was having an affair?  Yeah, well google it if you don't.  Each time I hear Marjorie's name, I think of that dude, and how he pronounced Marg's name.  Marjorie has of course been cast as the Annoying One, what with all the arm flailing, lack of eye contact, eye rolling, exasperated sighing, self-doubt, un-ending negativity, and the hunched over slouchiness.  She claims that being negative is the European way and doesn't understand where all the girls get their confidence.  Paulina's life lesson about self-confidence: FAKE IT.  Wonderful lesson for the all the girls out there (NOT).

7. Self-Styling Challenge (i.e. Learning to Dress Yourself)

The first of the two challenges tonight was hosted by model-turned-cougar Paulina, and is of course situated in an abandoned warehouse (where else, really).  It involves the girls putting on pink hard hats and tool belts.  The challenge is to take the ugly clothes that have been assigned to them, and fix them so they might be ready-to-wear for a catalog shoot.  My first thought is of course that I hope not to see anything I actually own in the ugly pile.  I don't and am relieved.  My next thought is that no one does very well but Mickey or McKey or whatever (can't we go back to using her real name yet?) won 50 extra frames in the photo shoot.  She seems pleased.

8. Miss J needs to ramp up the obnoxiousness to save the show

That's all.  I don't mind the necklace countdown thing he's got going on, but I do miss the cycle where he let his afro grow out of control.  Let's have a moment for the afro:

9. Destructive Giants Challenge

For the photo shoot, the girls all had to pretend they were natural disasters (did I forget to mention ANTM is scraping the bottom of the barrel for photo shoot ideas?) and pose in a miniature-scaled set, so they looked gigantic.  Elina was a passionate earthquake, Sheena a dirty sandstorm (I'm getting a feeling she'll win the whole cycle), Clark was a blackout, Lauren Brie Cheese a snowstorm, Joslyn a rockslide, Analeigh the Santa Ana winds, McKey a heat wave, Samantha tidal wave, and Marj was a traffic jam. Oh, and Tyra of course was something, but I'm not sure what, actually.  A shattered mirror or something?  Someone, help me out. Samantha does the best (and comes in first place).

10.  Clark is out, but not to worry, she's got a gig lined up with Jim Henson

I know, I know.  Jim Henson is no longer with us, sadly.  But Clark somehow reminds me of a character from the Dark Crystal, and I'll miss that about her.  Of course, until the Broadway adaptation of the Dark Crystal, with Clark in a starring role.