ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Five: Negativity is a mild form of realism, quoth Marjorie

Alternative title:

'Wow, these birds take themselves a tad too seriously' quoth me.

Before tonight's episode began, I was thinking that I would blog about the top 10 moments of the episode.  And then I watched it.  And I couldn't come up with 2 memorable moments, let along 10.  So, here are 10 thoughts and/or moments, some memorable, some not:

1. Are the cycles getting shorter?

Probably not, but it just feels as though they are. This feels true of many other reality shows that I enjoy watching.  Example: The Bachelor.  The season used to last forever (or so I thought), now it feels like I could zip through the season in a long weekend.  Anyhow, I checked, and no, we're right on track for the number of episodes in a cycle.  I know what you're thinking: phew.

2. What up, Samantha?

Granted, she takes good pictures, for the most part.  But she's part Anna Faris' character in the Legally Blonde rip-off and part Ashlee Simpson, so I'm not the biggest fan.  I predict she'll make it to the top five, and then be out, giving us this look:

3. I need more drama, y'all!

I miss Jade's talking in third person, Heather/Lauren's awkwardness, Anya's horrible 'Hawaiian accent' and CariDee telling Nigel he had a pole up his... ahem.  Also, Natasha the crazy Russian mail-order bride, Good Ole Amis, Joanie, Chachi, and so on and so forth.  There just doesn't seem to be the drama and memorable characters that I love about this show.  I know that they're trying to make a big deal out of Marjorie - more on her later - but I just don't buy it.  I thought Elina might be an interesting bird, maybe Joslyn, but no dice.  Yawn.

4. Whitney and her Life as a Top Model.

Oh lord.  Last week it was Whitney pedaling through the streets of NYC in slow motion, pretending she was in Paris, waving at people in the street, with a baguette in her basket, and flowing skirt miraculously not getting caught in the pedals of her bike.  This week, our girl-next-door Whit was baking cupcakes for two of her pals in her Soho loft.  She explained to us that make-up is just like baking: you need to find the right balance of make-up just like you need to have the right balance of sugar when you bake.  Um.  I'll admit that I don't exactly fast forward through these 'My Life as a Model' segments, but I don't actually buy them either.  And I'm sure, somewhere, there'll be some criticism about a plus sized girl baking sugary cupcakes.  But I don't care, because I'm now distracted by the thought of cupcakes. Chocolate, vanilla icing, AND sprinkles!?!  Bring it on, Whitney, I'll pretend to froth at the mouth when you show me your modeling portfolio if you fork a few cakes my way.

5.  Having said that about Whitney,

I do like the Top Models in Action segments, partly because Nigel Barker reads it, and partly because I like seeing where former model contestants are.

6. Marjorie

Remember that Simpson's episode where Marg met that suave French dude and they went bowling together and Homer was worried she was having an affair?  Yeah, well google it if you don't.  Each time I hear Marjorie's name, I think of that dude, and how he pronounced Marg's name.  Marjorie has of course been cast as the Annoying One, what with all the arm flailing, lack of eye contact, eye rolling, exasperated sighing, self-doubt, un-ending negativity, and the hunched over slouchiness.  She claims that being negative is the European way and doesn't understand where all the girls get their confidence.  Paulina's life lesson about self-confidence: FAKE IT.  Wonderful lesson for the all the girls out there (NOT).

7. Self-Styling Challenge (i.e. Learning to Dress Yourself)

The first of the two challenges tonight was hosted by model-turned-cougar Paulina, and is of course situated in an abandoned warehouse (where else, really).  It involves the girls putting on pink hard hats and tool belts.  The challenge is to take the ugly clothes that have been assigned to them, and fix them so they might be ready-to-wear for a catalog shoot.  My first thought is of course that I hope not to see anything I actually own in the ugly pile.  I don't and am relieved.  My next thought is that no one does very well but Mickey or McKey or whatever (can't we go back to using her real name yet?) won 50 extra frames in the photo shoot.  She seems pleased.

8. Miss J needs to ramp up the obnoxiousness to save the show

That's all.  I don't mind the necklace countdown thing he's got going on, but I do miss the cycle where he let his afro grow out of control.  Let's have a moment for the afro:

9. Destructive Giants Challenge

For the photo shoot, the girls all had to pretend they were natural disasters (did I forget to mention ANTM is scraping the bottom of the barrel for photo shoot ideas?) and pose in a miniature-scaled set, so they looked gigantic.  Elina was a passionate earthquake, Sheena a dirty sandstorm (I'm getting a feeling she'll win the whole cycle), Clark was a blackout, Lauren Brie Cheese a snowstorm, Joslyn a rockslide, Analeigh the Santa Ana winds, McKey a heat wave, Samantha tidal wave, and Marj was a traffic jam. Oh, and Tyra of course was something, but I'm not sure what, actually.  A shattered mirror or something?  Someone, help me out. Samantha does the best (and comes in first place).

10.  Clark is out, but not to worry, she's got a gig lined up with Jim Henson

I know, I know.  Jim Henson is no longer with us, sadly.  But Clark somehow reminds me of a character from the Dark Crystal, and I'll miss that about her.  Of course, until the Broadway adaptation of the Dark Crystal, with Clark in a starring role.