ANTM Cycle 11 Episode 12: Make Your Black Momma Proud

I know that some of you make think that the title of this post is inappropriate, especially now that the whole face of comedy has changed since Obama has been elected US President, but I'm not an African-American, or even an American for that matter, and besides, that's exactly what Tyra told the final two contestants before they went out on the final runway walk.  So I'm just quoting, y'all, don't be up in my face about it.  And besides, who cares about American politics when ANTM is winding down with the finale.  Um, well actually....sigh. That's probably a blog for another time.

Back to Sam and Analeigh and McKey and the magic that is Miss Banks.  Tonight is the finale.  So, in one sweet hour, we're going to go from 3 to 2 to 1.  That's a lot of necklace changing for Miss J.  Also, plenty of wardrobe changes for Miss Tyra, but she lives for that. Or at least her hair, makeup and wardrobe people do.

So, the show begins with a quick montage of how far the three girls have come in such a short time, and we catch a glimpse of some of the other models that were eliminated earlier.  I remember some of the photo shoots, but not McKey's real name (Britney?), and Jeremy Scott (the crazy designer who was offended by Sam when really his patchwork, sleeveless vest and mullet were the true offenders).

Break to commercial: Confessions of a Shopaholic preview (opening Valentine's Day!) and some terrible McDonald's commercial that I can't explain but you'll know the one I mean if you saw it (think R.Kelly singing about making love to McNuggets, not JT in tights and kitten heels and STILL out-dancing Beyonce, if you know what I'm saying) and a preview for the show Stylista, which I'm not minding.

First Tyra Mail (love the wooden shoes, by the way): Makkelyk, Fris, Mooi!  Love, Tyra

Now we all know that Tyra can't speak a word of Dutch but the girls quickly figure out that this translates to Easy, Breezy, Beautiful (Cover Girl, natch!) and the girls start to get concerned that they'll have to do a commercial in Dutch.  We all remember that Italian fiasco from last cycle.  I'm loving it.  They find a script from the commercial, with only one line in Dutch.  Yawn.

The girls meet up with the Silver Fox, who is wearing a dapper purple shirt, and they chit chat for a bit, until Miss Whitney shows up, and it hits me.  ANTM is similar to Miss America in some ways: The winner (i.e. Whitney) gets to tour around and make appearances here and there until the next year's/cycle's winner is crowned/announced.  I do like Whitney, though, and have a moment missing Cycle 10.

The three girls do okay in the commercial, although Analeigh tanks (did she say Wet Slacks instead of Wet Slicks?),  Sam sounds natural but is a bit slow, and McKey looks the best but can't speak.  I'll say at this point that Sam is my favourite - she's got the most interesting personality of all them and the only sense of humour in the bunch (Hello? Herpes comment? Nice). After the commercial, the girls do a Cover Girl shoot with Jim de Yonker, who has sort of a Dutch name but is American.

Tyra Mail:  yadda yadda yadda...tomorrow you'll meet with the judges...yawn.

The next day at the judging panel we learn that Tyra forgot to put pants on and the three remaining girls are nervous.  We get a preview of the commercial they filmed the day before (you know this is the one and only airing of this commercial - it's never going to see the light of day after this). Nigel looks good as usual. The individual evaluations follow, and we learn the difference between closed lips that are sexy and closed lips that aren't sexy (thanks, Tyra, but to me they looked exactly the same, save for the head tilt). After deliberation, the final two are announced: Sam and McKey.  No big surprise here.  And don't worry, Analeigh is totally going to hook up with the freshly ousted Marjorie and they are going to paint the town red.  Or take a bath together.  Whichever.

Next up, McKey and Sam do their Cover Girl Shoot in anticipation of a win.  Does McKey think her stuffed koala bear is going to be part of the shoot?  I'm confused as to why she brought it.  But both girls seem to take good pictures.  Next up, the runway.  Mr. J meets them at some cool auditorium with a frothy, hilly, pink runway (Willy Wonka/Dr. Seuss inspired).  Hair and makeup ensues (with an appearance by Whitney, who will be part of the show...yay!).  Soon, the crowd gathers, Tyra, Nigel and Paulina make their grand entrance, and Miss J steals the show (as usual) by walking down the runway with some boy-toy holding a big old pink balloon.

The actual runway with the girls modeling is uneventful - nary a trip, misstep, nor fall.  Everyone ran up the first pink hill, which looked a bit goofy, but it worked. I personally thought both girls looked a bit sour walking around the runway, but what do I know.  The music was good at least.  

At judging panel, everyone is dressed quite nicely, and we review the girls' pictures throughout the whole competition.  Discussion and deliberation ensues, and my favourite (Sam) does not win.  Stupid show.  

I wonder when the next cycle starts, so I can look forward to another crop of crazy broads and commercials of winner McKey riding a bike awkwardly around town.   Because.  That's her life. As a Cover Girl.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Ten: Some people like butter, others like Marjorie

I can't claim that title as my own, much as I'd like to.  It was, of course, Miss J (this time with pants on) who said that.

Back to the show: only 5 girls remain...who will be voted out tonight?  Wait a minute, that's the wrong show, isn't it? Let me try again: only 5 girls remain...who's dream of becoming America's Next Top Model will end?  That's closer, but still not right on.

Of course, the five who remain are McKey, Elina, Analeigh, Marj and Samantha.  Speaking of other reality shows, I sometimes wish at this point in the cycle that they would do a similar sequence that's done in Survivor - you know, the remaining model wannabes would pay their respects to voted-out models, reminiscing about them, hiking through a rainforest, paddling across a lagoon, and blowing up their torches/modelling portfolios or whatever.  And then I remember how boring this part of Survivor is, and how I usually fast-forward through it, as so it may not be too great on ANTM.  Perhaps the cast-off models could come back as jury members or something.  Just something different than the usual formula would be good, I think.

The first thing I notice about tonight's episode is that Marj is driving me...as the kids say...bonkers.  Maybe kids don't say that anymore, and more likely they never said that, but Marj has really gone off the deep end.  I've had it with the eye rolling, arm flailing, nail biting, pigeon-toed feet, hunched shoulders and nervous awkwardness.  Her pictures aren't even that great anymore, in my opinion. 

But I'm momentarily distracted from my annoyance with Marj by tonight's first Tyra Post (clever):

'You have to be more than good looking if you want that first booking...Love, Tyra'

Of course, we all know what that means...go-sees!!!  That's fake excitement, by the way: I don't really get too excited by the go-sees.  The girls have until 5 pm to do as many (or 5, whichever comes first) go-sees as they can, and they will be judged on their portfolio, runway walk, general appearance and personality.  The exciting twist is that they'll be travelling by boat to get around, with some Dutch boys as navigators.  Well...they'll be steering the boat, but the girls have the maps, and are responsible for figuring out where they're going. 

This spells disaster for Marjorie, of course, who's not only awkward and nervous, but has likely never seen a map before.  Soon she is wandering around town, asking perfect strangers for directions, and getting rejected.  The mean side of me starts to imagine how fun (and yes, cruel) it might be to steer her completely off course; the very mean side of me starts to imagine how funny it would be if one of the girls (I'm imagining Sam) wanders into the wrong place altogether, like a store that is the Dutch equivalent of American Appareal, and some bored salesperson just pretends to be a designer.  The salesperson could feign interest in Sam's portfolio, and then make her model some silver lame hotpants, a pink tube top with brown thigh-high knit stockings.  Now, that would be a great go-see.  But no dice, all the go-sees are to legitimate designers.  Sigh.  Back to reality.

All the girls get back on time except McKey (we later learn she was only about 5 minutes late).  Sidebar: has anyone else noticed that McKey has pulled a Madonna/Madge and has adopted a slight-British/sometimes-Dutch accent while talking to the camera?  If not, listen for it next week (oops, spoiled the ending).  It's subtle but it's there.  And it's hilarious.

Back to the winner of the go-sees: it should have been McKey, but since she was late, the prize goes to Analeigh.  She wins $18,000 dollars (or was that euros?) worth of merchandise from the five designers who participated in the go-sees.  Fun prize, and the other girls are quite jealous.

Up next, Tyra Post:

'You've never been exposed like this before, but you'll be amazed after...Love, Tyra'

All the girls (including me) are worried that it's a nude photo shoot.  That could get ugly.  Sam hopes that if it is a nude photo shoot, it's 'couture nude' not 'hi, I'm nude'.  Um.  Thanks, as always, for your two cents, Sam.  Truthfully, she's the only entertaining part of the show.  Next to Miss J of course.

Thankfully, it's not a nude photo shoot.  The shoot will involve Miss Tyra as photographer, with two shots for each girl: one without makeup, looking casual, and the other's a glamour shot, with the girls looking fierce.  Tyra is dressed in her usual photographer's outfit - jeans and plaid shirt.  She's a working girl, y'all , not a model!

The five girls do alright, this shoot for me was one of the most uneventful ones, although it seemed clear to me that Sam and McKey are the best.  For the first time ever (true story!) I correctly predicted the eliminated model: Elina.  I don't think Elina's modelling career is over, though, she's only 18 afterall.

Next week: the girls get intimate at a photo shoot...with some male models!  I'm predicting a crying McKey on the phone with her boyfriend, apologizing for kissing a male model, and an uber-awkard Marj, practice kissing with Analeigh before (and probably after) the shoot.  Oh, the drama!