ANTM Cycle 10: Episode Six - A Day in Bed with Nigel

Today I learned a lesson about the simple things in life.  I was having one of those days at work where nothing was going catastrophically wrong, nothing at all, but just small things were throwing me off.  A report I've been working on for the last year or so was finally at the printer, and we had to 'stop the press' at the last minute (ug), I didn't bring any lunch so had to eat at the cafeteria (ug), I wanted to do some shopping at a store but wasted 15 minutes driving around looking for a parking spot before realizing the store I was looking for had permanently closed, I jammed the photocopier, crashed my work computer, etc.  As I said, nothing catastrophic, but just...annoying.

And then, the stars aligned for me. Left work and was off to the airport for a flight to spend the weekend with my family.  Smooth drive to the airport, great seat on the plane (close to the front, which I like), nicest person ever sitting beside me (gave me a piece of gum at the start of the flight then didn't talk to me until we landed), had on some noise-cancelling headphones (definitely worth every penny...or, more appropriately, every ten dollar bill), spent 15 minutes watching an episode of Friends on my in-flight TV, got myself a Mojito (that's right), and took my first sip just in time to hear Tyra whispering in my ear: 'Wanna Be on Top?'  Oh yes.  All of a sudden I'm giddy. I was very concerned I would miss ANTM this week due to my scheduling 'conflict', but here I was, enjoying the show on a plane, and sipping a sweet drink.  It's the simple things, really.

So...on to the important task at hand: The episode begins with the usual recap of last week's show, and some of the girls doing some 'interviews' with the cameras: Aimee is being humble about her amazing skin, Lauren is having confidence issues.  Blah, blah, blah...a bit boring.  The next scene is back at the apartment, Claire on the phone missing her husband and baby.  And then, she's pumping on the top bunk.  She wouldn't want a pesky little thing like breast milk to get in the way of her dream of becoming America's Next Top Model.

And then, Dominique.  She's killing me.  She does keep the show entertaining, but seriously. She isn't sure how to set her alarm clock so every morning it goes off at about 6 am, waking every one up early.  What is it exactly that she's not understanding?  Can't be the whole 'am' or 'pm' conundrum.  Can't be the volume of the alarm.  Does she really not understand how to read a clock?  Possible. With all the digital technology, there's no 'when the big hand reaches seven...' kind of simplicity for Dominique to work with. Anyhow, this sparks a big fight with the other girls, naturally, and especially Claire.  Claire doesn't like to be woken up when she's tired.  Um...this is from a girl who just came from a life where she was breastfeeding around the clock?  Whatev, sistah.  Lauren and Whitney get in on the fight.  Some alliances are drawn.  Some smack talk about husbands and such. Anya speaks...poorly.  I'm not sure what she said exactly, but I think it was something like 'quit yo jibber jabber'. Maybe that was Mr. T., not sure.  As a bit of a sidebar, I read that an A-Team movie is in 'the works'.  Wonder who will actually play Mr. T.? Mmmmm...this is a good mojito.

Dominique thinks everyone is picking on her because she's so 'strong'. She reminds me of one of those American Idol contestants that's terrible but can't believe that they haven't been given a ticket to Hollywood.  Stunned, actually.  And that's it right there, my love for reality tv shows.  The disbelief.  The disillusionment.  Am I sick or what?  I then notice, back in real life, that the women across the aisle from me is also watching ANTM on her tv, as are a couple of women in front of me.  Sweet.

After the commercial break, the first Tyra Mail appears..something about 'You Ladies Are Sick'.  Screaming. The girls pile into the Fab Cab, drive to their destination, and then the window unrolls.  More screaming.  Tyra's driving the cab.  Screaming.  I hate to break it to the girls, but I'm pretty confident that Ty Ty hasn't even driven a car in 10 years, let alone a stretch cab.  It would have been way cooler if they were actually in transit and she was driving.  Inside, the girls are dressed in matching red body suits, red tights, and black mid-heel pumps.  Not too hot, but that's because Tyra will be strutting around with them, and ain't nobody gonna look more fierce than Miss Tyra. It's a good thing that Miss J sits between Paulina and Tyra at the judging panel. Tyra proceeds to teach the girls how to walk AND look fierce. AT THE SAME TIME.  This is hard!  Then she pretends to twist her ankle and teaches the girls one of the top insider secrets of the modelling industry: it's important to know how to pose like you're in pain. 'Think Pain But Beauty', Tyra says, and some of the girls are taking notes.  Pains include: headache, heartache, menstrual pain, shoulder blade pain, inner thigh burn, lip burn (good grief), fingers caught in the door, wig tracks hurt (nice), calves hurt, you just got strangled (I don't think looking fierce would be my first concern), quads hurt, and...my favourite...your palms hurt after playing patty cake all day with some kids.  Sure.  Try not to look like you just got crucified, Lauren.  I'm just sayin'.

Secretly, the pose in pain lesson was a challenge, and Anya won.  The prize: spend a day in bed with Nigel Barker.  You posing and he taking pictures, of course.  What else could it be?  Anya takes great pictures, but her voice kills me.  I can hardly wait until the Cover Girl Commercial challenge, where she has to speak.  I wonder if they'll do subtitles for her then, since they sometimes do already.

More drama at the house (Dominique is sick and the girls keep her awake by gossiping about her - to her face).  Dominique has the worst bedhead ever, and Aimee is getting a lot of air time.  So much so, that I'm starting to feel how this show will end.  Another Tyra Mail (there seem to be a lot this episode) and the photo shoot is that the girls will have to embody a certain style of music.  Wow. This could get interesting.

Fatima is heavy metal (although it's called 'metal rock').  Katarzyna is emo (what the ?) and looks great in her pic.  Lauren is pop and tries to look like Britney. Claire is country music (that's a hard one, I think), and Dominique is folk (her picture is straight from her 1968 Sears Catalogue modelling debut). Anya is punk (easy), Stacey-Ann is house (is criticized for too much...you guessed it...posing), Aimee is R&B (too hard for a white Mormon), and Whitney is grunge.  It's no surprise that all the girls, except for Claire and Aimee, used their 'pained expressions' during this photo shoot, and therefore, it's no surprise that Claire and Aimee are in the bottom two.  If they don't worship at the fountain of Tyra, they'll have to pay.  Actually, just Aimee pays, and Claire just about jumps over the judges desk when she learns she's still in the running to be America's Next Top Model.

Bachelor London Calling Episode Two: The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music

With songs they have sung for a...oh, hello.  Right, the Bachelor.  Sorry - there was too much singing tonight, and now I'm distracted. I love singing as much as the next girl, but I am really going have to put my foot down, here.  NO with the singing.  NO. NO. NO. Are these broads crazy?  I mean, seriously.  The singing has got to stop.  I'm not kidding. NO with the singing!

Okay...shake it off...shake it off.

The show begins with Chris-Bot bounding in, no suit and no tie (must be casual friday) to announce that there will be two group dates this week.  My favourite part of the show is back: the date boxes!!! Love these things - if anyone from ABC is reading this (fingers crossed), I would happily be the 'date box maker' for the show.

The first date box is one of the $25 make-up boxes (I believe they are called train cases) from Sears and/or Shoppers Drug Mart - you know the kind I mean girls, and don't pretend you don't.  The $150 dollar value for $25 - the box opens and 50 million trays unfold, with a different tray for each part of your face - 100 different lip glosses, eye shadows, etc, so that you, as a 13-year-old, can experiment.  Oh yeah, that always goes well.  If I had done the date box for this one, it would have contained an old school camera, a boa, an airbrush (actually quite a few airbrushes), and a blow-up Nigel Barker doll.  Hot.

The first date involves 8 of the girls going off to do a runway show for the Bach.  All the girls get their hair and makeup done, get some wardrobe and then strut down the runway.  Of course, the Bach is at the end, in a velvet frock, taking pics and shouting "Yeah, baby, yeah, you're a possum!".  At least, he should have been.  But he's so...stodgy.  Take your damn jacket off, at least, Bach, live a little. 

During the fashion show, I start to fade, and imagine how cool this show would be if say, when they were down to 10 girls, they would all get makeovers.  I would totally give Marshana bangs (have you seen the size of that forehead?), and take half of the makeup off of Erin H to give to Amy (the nanny).  That's just for starters.

After the fashion show, the girls go to a penthouse suite to complete what the Bach calls 'arguably' one of the best dates.  Everyone gets a glass of champagne (after the Bach rolls his eyes at Marshana - trust me, I rewound three times to make sure), and they all stand in the now-patented Bach circle of love and toast each other.  I swear that some of the girls say 'Cheers' in a fake british accent...you know, kind of like 'Cheehs'.  Marshana keeps the date light and fun by asking him about interracial dating.  Nice.  And then the redhead gets her moment in the spotlight. Wow. Formal shorts, fake eyelashes, too much mascara, peach blush (maybe that date box at the start was really just her make up case?) and again with the singing.  I can't handle this singing. If I wanted to watch the Sound of Music, I would.  Really, I love that movie.  The wearing of the curtains and such - what's not to love?  NO with the singing. Sigh. Ashlee is coy and not much of a conversationalist, but pours on the compliments, gets a kiss, and the first rose.  And then is quite arrogant about it.  Nice.  Love the drama.  I also love that she still has the tag on her pj's. 

The second date box:

It's filled with money and berets and has a note from the Bach that translated from Brit-speak, says "Lets go to Vegas and gamble".  Again, if it were me (fingers crossed), I would have had a briefcase filled with some gambling chips, a half-smoked cigar, an empty martini glass or two, a stuffed Montecore tiger doll, an expired ticket to a Carrot Top show (that cat is always doing a gig in Vegas) and some pamphlets advertising some late night 'entertainment'.  If you've been to Vegas, you know the pamphlets I'm talking about.  If the Bach was a musical, as apparently it's becoming, Celine Dion could present the date box, singing 'You Were Born to Fly', of course. And yes, I know she's retired from Vegas, but you know what they say about Vegas: you can take a girl out of Vegas, but you can't take Vegas out of a girl.  Or something equally witty.

So the remaining 7 girls are off to Vegas. Sweet, sweet, Vegas.  I love it there.  Sooo jealous.  Sigh.  They're all given $1000 to gamble and the girl who has the most at the end of half-an-hour gets a private half hour with the Bach.  Carri, the church marketer, loves blackjack, and Robin can't gamble.  She just can't!  Relax, sister, it's not like it's the overnight date or anything, just lighten up a little.  Kelly wins a date to the 'middle' of the fake eiffel tower at the Paris casino.  Kelly is...well, if the Bach won't say this episode, I will, brilliant: "He knows that I'm nice and I'm cool and he knows that I can handle my alcohol".  You're right Kelly, I'm really surprised he hasn't pulled out the rock already and just gotten it over with.  Um, yeah.  But Kelly at least has a sense of humour.  Back with the other girls, Shayne begins to show some of her dramatic side.  She's obviously never had to 'work' to get a guy to pay attention to her.

After the casino, they all head to the Napoleon suite, which is pretty cool.  More champagne is poured (note to self: I need to drink more champagne) and drama ensues.  Shayne is in the bathroom, wearing shades and rubbing her nose (oh yeah, read into THAT!), and wants to quit.  The show, that is.  Robin sits on the Bach's lap and plays classical piano for him, making up for her non-gambling faux pas.  Chelsea has a bad dress on (too silvery and puffy) but gets the rose. 

Up next, the 'massive' cocktail party.  It's becoming painfully obvious that Marshana's dress is homemade  and flashes of a pig's blood-covered Marshana dance in my head.  To put on my Project Runway hat for a moment, that dress would never make the cut.  Michael Kors would tear it to shreds, figuratively and literally.  Robin gets some more one-on-one time with the Bach and also gets a kiss.  Pretty smooth, actually.  And then, Carri.  Carri, Carri, Carri.  Why would you do that?  Why? The singing was fine, don't get me wrong, but why would you sing to impress a dude?  The only thing (well, the only two things) that would have made that scene better would have been:

1.  Chris-Bot, standing just off to the side, pulling the old 'cane around the neck' trick to pull her off stage, or this:
2. Carri stops singing.  There's an awkward pause.  Then, Matt starts singing in an equally impressive opera voice.  I mean really.

The cocktail party continues, with the Bach doing some awful dancing, and then it's time for the Rose Ceremony.  Chelsea and Ashley are safe - I really thought that Kelly (who was standing behind them) would just smash their two heads together.  But no.  The following girls get roses (spoiler alert, obviously):

Robin, Holly, Erin S (I really heard her name as Arroness and will now call her that), Amanda R (she's got the meeps, y'all), Kelly, Amy, Kristine (I swear that in real life, that girl wears high-waisted jeans, and spends a lot of time brushing her pony, Trixie), Marshana (seriously), Noelle, and Shayne.

Poor Michelle P, Carri and Erin H are going home.  But don't you worry, Michelle P (the redheaded singer) has a cat she's looking forward to seeing.  Just one cat I'm sure (ahem). Her cat is the love of her life, no kidding. She's probably making up a song to sing to her cat right now.  That would console her, singing to her cat, while her cat (coincidentally renamed Matt) purrs against her leg.  Brilliant.

So we're only two episodes in and it feels too serious already.  The girls are dramatic and asking about his intentions already and the Bach is saying all the right things.  But the question is - is he just saying those things to settle the drama down, or because he's sincere?  Maybe we'll find out more next week.  One thing we know for sure - Marshana gets a fat lip playing rugby (and I mean fatter than her lips already are) and needs an ambulance.  Love it.

ANTM Cycle 10: Episode Five - Dominique's Going to Make It

First Up: Fatima is shocked that she sucked enough last week that she was in the bottom two.  So she's going to practice this week - practice hard.  I love the idea of 'practicing' at modeling.  I'm not really sure what it entails.  For Fatima, it's a lot of walking on the practice runway (still clip-clopping like a Clydesdale) and rolling her eyes at other girls in the house who aren't practicing.  It doesn't involve shaving her armpits, however.

Next is a camera interview with Dominique.  Dominique, among other things that drive me crazy, likes to talk in third-person: 'Dominique's going to make it.' 'This competition is all about bettering Dominique'.  Seriously, Dominique, that has got to stop if you want that spread in Seventeen magazine, which I know you do.

Shortly, the girls get Tyra Mail...and I start to wonder whether or not I could set up my blog to read like Tyra mail.  All flashy and scrolly and everyone would have to read it super slowly.  That would rock!!  Wait a minute...no it wouldn't.  I think for the next cycle that instead of Tyra Mail, they should just have a Tyra doll that is propped up on a table that every once in awhile, talks and tells the girls their next challenge.  The Tyra doll could have several different costume changes that could vary based on the challenge.  And the girls could take turns doing her hair. Oh yes, I'm digging this idea.  If you think it's stupid, just remember that this is a show that put their contestants into meat vests and steak panties to promote the modeling industry.  Now who's stupid?

Anyhow the girls hop into their Fab Cab stretch cab and they're off to meet Benny Ninja and Vendela (a supermodel).  Damn, that cat can pose! And Vendela tries to be hip and cool but really, her street cred is pretty much nil.  The girls learn some moves, and how to pose differently for glamour shots, catalogue poses and couture pictures.  It all looks kind of the same to me, but I suppose there must be some difference.

Back at the house, Whitney has devised a brilliant phone list, which seems to keep most of the girls happy.  But Dominique misses her time slot and gets angry because 'Dominique has a baby she needs to talk to.'  I know that some of the other girls have kids, too, and haven't missed their time slots.  But hey 'That's what Dominique is all about'.  So of course this sparks a fight.  And then Dominique plays...wait for it...the Race Card.  Whitney gets even more fired up, because she's from the South, and you just don't joke about racists in the south.  No sir, that gets people killed. It's not funny at all.  And besides all that, she's got a black best friend, so how could she possibly be racist.  Call her phat, call her a beeatch, but don't call her late for dinner.  I mean, don't call her a racist.

Next up is a challenge where the girls head into Brooklyn and pose-off for Benny Ninja and his pals, and of course Vendela.  I really don't understand why Vendela is part of this episode.  Marvita was quite bad, Fatima was just all over the place and shoving her 'girl parts' into all the wrong places.  Whitney does the splits.  I mean, kudos to you sister for doing the splits, but when was the last time you were flipping through a Sears catalog and saw someone doing the splits.  Even back in the day when Sears sold gymnastics outfits, still ain't no one doing the splits. I'm just saying, is all.

The winning team got a trip to the Swag Tent, which actually wasn't a tent at all, but some room in a building with some merchandise spread out.  Although they did get to pick some cool stuff, the swag tent was somewhat disappointing for me.  Claire won a trip to Bora Bora...and pink guitars for all her lady friends!  Hot!

The next Tyra Mail is once again cryptic, and talks about being in NYC is all about your coat.  The first thing out of Marvita's mouth is 'Maybe we gonna be nekked.  Maybe we gonna be nekked in coats'. Being naked.  Wearing a coat.  One sort of cancels the other, doesn't it?  But Marvita was wrong, wrong on a few things: the girls are having close up shots done, while having paint poured over them.  No worries, it's water based paint.  I can't believe there aren't more protests about this show - we had a homeless shoot in one episode, some dead meat used as clothing in other, now we're throwing paint around like there's no tomorrow.  Weak.  The challenge itself is fairly uneventful.

At the judging panel, I realize why Vendela is on the show: she needs to plug the fact that she hosts Scandinavia's Next Top Model.  The girls go through their best pictures, and once again I'm amazed at what a good photographer (along with lighting and hair and makeup) can do.  Tyra demonstrates to Anya the difference between intense (model) eyes and normal eyes.  Is she serious?  They both looked exactly the same.  Anya nods as if Ty Ty has just explained the most complex physics problem to her.  Fatima forgot to shave her armpit for the picture.  And her best shot involves one where she's lifted her arm up.  I guess all the practice tuckered her right out and she forget to take care of 'things'.  Poor Fatima. 

After the judge's deliberation, as Tyra's handing out pictures, I'm fairly sure that Miss J is doing a sudoku in the background. There's just no way he's paying attention.  In the end, Marvita goes home.  Love the scenes for next week - Tyra has all the girls dressed up in red bodysuits and is teaching them how to act like they're in pain.  Must be in preparation for their photo challenge, when they'll have to pose as rape victims or molested children.  Meeoow - I'm catty tonight!

Survivor Micronesia Episode Seven: "We've Got Massive Crabs!" cries Ozzy

So let's begin with March Madness.  You know,  final four and brackets and college basketball and pools and teams I've never heard of. I did join a pool this year, and made my picks like I always do and in just under two minutes, by applying the Sports Girl philosophy of making picks.  For example, last year I chose Gonzaga to win even though I had never heard of that team, because someone I worked with had a Gonzaga University coffee mug.  Also, I'm taking Xavier to the final 8 because I like Cabbage Patch Kids and Xavier Roberts is the 'founder' of said dolls.  So, it's interesting logic, but we'll see who's laughing when USC wins.

Anyhow, the reason I'm beginning with March Madness is because Survivor was on this week on Wednesday because of it.  Hooray!

The show begins with Malakal pondering which came first: the chicken or the egg? Actually, Tracy wants to kill and eat the chickens but Ozzy (or Oscar, as Cirie calls him) wants to keep the birds as the renewable resource that they are and just use them for eggs.  As he says, 'We don't need the meat, we've got massive crabs!'.  The editors must love their jobs.  I mean really. 

Tracy then has the realization that they need to get rid of Ozzy ASAP, but didn't do that last week (in Survivor time: last night) when they had the numbers to get rid of him, but for whatever reason, chose not to.  Not too smart, lazy nipple. 

Over on Airai, James is surrounded by a bunch of smelly funky women, and Kathy is, quite literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  She's gnawing away on a coconut, crying, begging for hugs, and trying to send vibes out to her daughter and husband.  She really wants to go home.

Back at Malakal, Erik is crushing on Ozzy.  He would so give Ozzy the double scoop of the rocky road ice cream if they were back at Erik's shop, with extra sprinkles.  But they're not.  So Uncle Ozzy teaches Erik how to climb a tree and Erik is smitten.  Especially after Erik is at the top of the tree, knocks down some coconuts and hears Ozzy announce 'We've got good nuts now'.  Ozzy doesn't realize the damage he's done; Erik is going to have to rearrange all the Ozzy posters he pulled out of Teen Beat magazine and hung up on his basement bedroom wall when he gets home (Sidebar: I really don't know if Teen Beat mag still exists, but it does give you an idea how old I am).

The Reward Challenge is for the Herbal Essences Great Escape Spa.  Basically the winning team will get a shower and some food.  The challenge involves the usual: stones, blindfold, rotating cogs, and a puzzle.  Is there a joke in there about a hot date?  No, probably not.  The challenge begins and Cirie is confused about direction.  Is it MY left or YOUR left, Cirie.  This bird is an operating nurse - do we remove the kidney on my left or the patient's left?  My fear of Cirie in the final three grows.  Kathy and Erik look a little too similar - oversized yellow shirts and shaggy hair.  I get them mixed up.  Insanity ensues, and finally Malakal wins.  Erick jumps right into Ozzy's arms and they accidentally kiss.  Or not.

Tracy and Jason go off to Exile Island, but strangely they show no clips of this at all.  Makes me wonder what went on there...

Meanwhile, at the Herbal Spa, Amanda, Amy and Ozzy are hitting the showers. Everyone is topless.  Some grayed out parts, Erik off to side, eating melons (pun intended) and lapping it up (pun intended).

Over at Airai, Kathy continues her downward slide.  So much so that I think she may have actually had a bit of a nervous breakdown.  Someone 'sends word' for Jeff (hint: they wrote a message, tied it to a dove, and sent the dove off to Jeff's tent.  Either that, or one of the cameramen pulled out his cell phone).  Jeff shows up, chats with Kathy and - you guessed it - Kathy leaves the show.  I don't cry like I did when Alan Alda left last week.  Another sidebar: I thought that once people left the show, they were kept on the island or sequestered somewhere.  They certainly weren't reunited with their families, or then everyone would know the outcome.  Wouldn't they?  Anyhow...Kathy leaves.

Next, Immunity is Back Up For Grabs.  This challenge involves ropes, water and puzzles. Eliza looks awkward as usual, Ozzy hogs the challenge by doing virtually all of the swimming (except he lets Erik do some of it), and James singlehandedly spins that damn wheel to bring his women home.  For the third time in a row, Airai wins immunity.

Sidebar: Has anyone seen that American Living (JC Penney) commercial?  The one with the kid who's standing on the table with red rubber boots and steps on her birthday cake?  For some reason, this bugs me.  I mean really.  I sort of get the appeal of stepping on a cake, but even more so, I get the appeal of eating cake.

But I digress...as usual, the editors make it look like Tribal Council is going to be more dramatic than it is.  Will Amy be the swing vote?  Will Erik break his devotion for Ozzy and vote against him?  But then the only exciting thing that actually happens is that Jeff is wearing shorts and tribal council and Ozzy stays.  Poor Tracy, she didn't have a chance.  I wonder how she'll clean up for the reunion show.

See you next week - unless Xavier dominates in the NCAA tourney and I win some big cash.

Alan Alda - 2     Amanda - 3     Amy - 3     Eliza - 1

Bachelor London Calling Episode One: You say to-may-to, I say to-mah-to

Let's call the whole thing off.

Not.

Well, well, well.  Where to begin.  The Bach is definitely back in town.  And I'm loving it, already.  Let me begin by saying that it's going to be very difficult for me to hold off on the British stereotypes.  So difficult, in fact, that I probably won't even bother.  I'm going to let it all hang out.  It'll be...brilliant.

So, the show begins at 6:32 pm and I'm so nervous and excited that I feel the need to turn the tv to the right channel at 6:26 pm.  You know, just in case I miss something.  Instead, I caught the end of Dancing with the Stars and, all sarcasm aside, I couldn't tell with some of the pairs who was the 'famous' person and who was the 'pro dancer'.  Not kidding.  I almost said out loud 'Do people actually watch this crap?" and then the Bach started.  If you feel like pointing out the irony there, no worries, I'm all over it.

But back to Matt Grant (or Grawnt if you want to be obnoxious. Note: I'm obnoxious).  The show begins with the usual montage of Matt-as-a-child pictures and the story of his family.  I especially love how he criticizes how people stereotype Brits and then shows a picture from the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral (I think he's wearing an ascot, or what I think is an ascot), and a family photo.  He's got four dorky brothers and parents who obviously have pushed their twin beds together a total of, oh, I don't know, five times in their marriage.

Let's flash forward to modern-day Matt. His life is brilliant (I predict that 'brilliant' is the British Bach's equivalent of 'amazing'). He's hot.  Yes indeed, not bad to look at.  He's 6'5", great sense of humour, sly smile, wears a suit well, all that. No pics of Matt during a workout or on the beach, although it's early in the season.  But let's call it like it is: on the first episode, I don't care about the Bach.  I really don't. I am too geared up to see my old friend Chris-Bot, and more importantly, meet the women.  Or, as they're called this season, 25 beautiful AMERICAN women.  American.  As if we could forget.

So Matt pulls up in his Maserati to meet Chris-Bot.  He gets out of his car, eyes squinting, nose flaring, and flinching from the rain.  Nice.  Chris is about a foot shorter than the Bach, but they both have matching London Fog jackets on (that's right, I went there).  They go inside for a little fireside chit chat, which was quite frank, open, and soul searching.  Later, they're curled up by the fire, sipping champagne, with Chris wrapped in a fur blanket.  Wait a minute, wait a minute, whoa. That's just a clip from an upcoming episode.  It's not Chris at all. My bad.

So Matt takes his L.Fog coat off, and the first limo pulls up.  I've decided to give my first impression of these women as they come out:

1. Amanda R. - cute navy dress, a bit nervous, but she'll easily get by.
2. Amy - a nanny with a mint cut-out dress.  She's a bit too young, I think. 
3. Devon - a make up artist who looks A LOT older than 24.
4. Kristine - could probably use a one-on-one session with Devon.  Strange eyebrows, she looks a bit like Leann Rimes.
5. Chelsea - shakes her 'bonbons' - she'll stick around.
6. Erin H - a bit nervous, but I liked the ring as placeholder trick.  She's an early favourite (for me)
7. Kelly - he kept repeating her name, so she'll probably stick around
8. Rebecca - reminds me of a previous Bach'ette who's 'eggs were rotting'.  There is no way she is only 30 y/o.
9. Denise - former Bush aide.  Enough said.
10. Erin - a hot dog vendor with a sense of humour (also a favourite)
11. Robin - I like Robin but she may have flubbed a little by talking about 'soccer'
12. Ashlee - singer/songwriter who giggles at the end of each sentence
13. Alyssa - okay
14. Michelle - the green dress and the red hair are too cliche for me, but she saves the best for later with her clarinet.
15. Shayne - subdued actress, she'll stick around
16. Marshana - fashion designer, didn't really like her
17. Amanda P - brought a cute souvenir from Vegas, the Best.Place.On.Earth
18. Tamara - nervous
19. Holly - okay
20. Tiffany - I wrote down her name but now can't remember her
21. Carri - Carri is in church marketing, wears a short dress and some very high heels. 
22. Stacey - you know right away that Stacey is going to be the one that gets hammered.  But it also hits me at this moment: are cut-out dress with diamond-shaped brooches back in style?  More to the point, were they ever in style?  There are a lot of birds with cut-out dresses and too much bedazzling getting out of these limos.  I'm just sayin'
23. Lesley - youth minister.  Not going to make the cut
24. Michele R - okay
25. Chris-Bot - okay, okay, just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.  Plus I think that would be a HILARIOUS blooper.  A limo pulls up, Matt's standing anxiously in the rain, the first girl out of the car is...wait for it..Chris.  Chris is a 37-year-old television star and he's super nervous.  He'd totally get the first impression rose.
25. Noelle - a photographer - I like her as well.

So, after the commercial break, the party begins.  I wonder how the producers decide to pair up the women - you know they've all been strategically picked and placed in different areas of the house, so the Bach can just roam from group to group, instead of being mauled by all of them at once.  Anyhow, some random thoughts from the Craziest.Night.Ever.  Denise should not have played the politics card.  I mean, intelligence is one thing, but flirting with a dude by talking about George Bush never works.  Never.  Way to name-drop with Karl Rove. Seriously. Save that for the hometown date when you need to impress his grandma. Carri rips apart a can with her teeth (seriously, I don't make this crap up), and it breaks the tension. 

Rebecca starts dancing it up like a soccer mom who hasn't been out in a long time (Baaaazing - I'm definitely obnoxious tonight). And who was the rock paper scissors girl?  What was up with that hair of hers?  Ashlee writes him a song and sings it (she is a singer/songwriter, after all) and it's as uncomfortable as expected.  I'd really like to get a guy's opinion here - is it ever impressive for a girl to sing a song to a guy?  Not a drunken serernade, but a full-on, expressive, heart-wrenching song?  How about playing a clarinet?  Because when Mich pulled that out, I just about died.  But then when she said 'you have to get the reed wet for it to vibrate', and then looked the Bach deep in his eyes while she licked the reed, I really did die a little.

Stacey is hammered.  I love it.  The editors must love her, especially because her greatest ambition is to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has even thought of yet. That. Is. Profound. I know what the Bach is thinking about Stacey at this point, even though he doesn't say it: This girl is brilliant (make sure you read that with a British accent).  Plus she loves that London has the new 'upbringing cars'.  Lovely.  She tries to save face here by, you guessed it, pulling off her underwear and handing it over to him.  Now, who's with me here: when he held them up to the camera were you cringing and hoping that they were...ahem...clean?  Later, Stacey passes out on an unmade bed. Lovely. Shayne is the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas - that hometown date would rock!  Noelle and Robin both have a few moments alone with him and I'm sure he'll keep them around.

After the commercial break, the girls are gathered around and the Bach comes in to hand out 14 roses.  The inflatable blue mattress is back!  Seriously - it's on the wall behind Matt.  The 14 girls that he picked (and Amanda to make 15) are good choices, I think, he didn't leave any of my favourites behind.  But I did notice that during the handing out of the roses, they never did show Stacey full-on.  An occasional flash of her dress or hair, but that's it.  I thought it might be that Chris-Bot had to don a blue dress and blonde wig (Stacey was passed out before, so who knows), but she's makes the cut at the end.  Her and the other rejects leave the house, take a limo into town, and party it up, y'all.

So, the season looks entertaining, although I notice there are no clips of injuries and ambulances.  Should be a brilliant ride, Bach fans, just brilliant.

Survivor Micronesia: Tweener Blog

A quick post.

The thing about blogging is that I often chat about the reality tv shows I watch with the real people in my life, and sometimes I just have to share some of their insight.  For example, today, I was chatting with a coworker about last nights Survivor and she came up with the most brilliant description of one of the survivors.  Well, just a certain body part of one of the survivors. This coworker of mine coined the phrase 'lazy nipple' and I just love it.  It is the perfect descriptor. Thank you Sharon!

Survivor Micronesia Episode Six: Is that a hidden immunity idol in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

So, last week I didn't watch Survivor on its originally scheduled night.  However, I did tape it and watched it before tonight's episode.  And I am very sorry for not blogging about it.  Not so much for you (kidding), but for me: that episode was full of blogging gold.  So many beautiful editing moments that all culminates with the following final conclusion that I had: Chet is a Pageant Coach? You know that feeling when all the pieces of the puzzle come together and you finally see it - that's how I felt. Chet is a pageant coach.  Of course he is.  They couldn't have scripted this any better.  Or could they have?

On to tonight's episode.  It begins with the usual scenes: fireside chit chat, hanging up of laundry, and going to the bathroom in the lake, some mild flirting while in the lake, etc.  I've concluded that I still like Alan Alda the most, and that Eliza is the kind of girl who would laugh at your jokes even if she didn't understand them.  Actually, she would laugh at the jokes even though she never understands them.  That's just how she rolls, people.  She didn't get into law school by being smart, ya know.

Before I know it, Jeff is saying 'Come on in guys' and 'Here's your first look at the new tribe....without Joel' and it's the reward challenge.  The challenge involves the usual things: water/swimming, bundles of things, untying ropes/knots, building/destroying something, and mats.  You want to know what they're playing for?  Yeah, me neither.  Something about some locals helping them learn how to cook.  So the challenge starts with swimming out to a platform, throwing bundles back into the water, dragging bundles back to a mat on the beach, untying bundles, building a barricade, taking down another barricade, and getting through said barricade before the other tribe.  Ozzy slithers through quite quickly, but the other tribe wins.  Airai, I think they're called. 

Chet and Jason are off to Exile Island.  Chet seemed quite pleased to be joined by Jason.  Very pleased.

Back at camp, before reward, Alan Alda is examined by a medic, with Jeff as nurse.  And all of a sudden Alan's crying.  And then, something that's never happened to me before while watching Survivor: I'm crying.  Because Alan needs surgery and is leaving the show!!!  He said not to worry, he'll see me at the Reunion Show.  What?!? No, Alan Alda, no no no.  I can't wait that long.  He's my favourite.  Of course I spend the next half hour or so imagining that he'll recover quite miraculously and be back in time for the immunity challenge.  But he's not.  Maybe for the next episode.  He might be.  Let me have that dream, people, let me have it.

The reward begins with Parv flirting with Joe or Edwin.  But it's a bit boring.  James is stressed because he's with all women. At the other tribe, Ozzy is talking to the camera and I can't help but wish Ozzy would have kept finding the idol to himself.  He's a pretty good strategist, but it would have been smarter to hold something back.  Just my thoughts.

On Exile Island, Chet is giving Jason lessons on how to walk the runway, some singing lessons, and teaching him how to smile and look poised while answering the tough questions.  Jason has had enough and sashays off down the beach to look for the immunity idol.  He eventually finds a piece of driftwood wrapped in cloth, gets the biggest smile on his face, and shoves it down the front of his pants.  Or did he shove it down his pants and then get the biggest smile..?  I can't remember.  Later, Chet brushes out Jason's hair while they sit on the beach and much later they spoon under a full moon.

I'm only kidding about that last paragraph - other than the driftwood part, the rest is blatantly untrue.

Next, the Immunity Idol, Back Up For Grabs.  The challenge involves water/swimming, untying ropes, poles, and balancing.  James singlehandedly carries all the women on one pole without breaking a sweat.  James is, quite literally, stronger than everyone else put together and they easily win immunity.  Eliza jumps awkwardly into the water to get the immunity idol.

At the other tribes camp (I still haven't got the tribes straight), Chet has a blister and wants to go home.  And I finally learn why Tracy's in the game, why she needs the money.  One of her nipples is way off center, and her lips are..interesting, to say the least.  As if you hadn't noticed, people.  Come on.  Erik makes his final play to Chet to all vote against Ozzy (which would have been brilliant).

Tribal Council - Some great editing to make Ozzy look quite arrogant and Chet to look like he's strategizing.  But it's all for naught: Chet is out.  He's off to join Joel in the reject tribe.  During the credits rolling, I notice that Tracy actually voted for Erik.  That's right, Erik.  What.The....

See you next week, when Alan Alda rejoins the tribe.  Hey.  It could happen.

ANTM Cycle 10: Episode Four - Hot diggity dog, someone cook me a steak!

First of all - the show Girlicious.  Is this a complete rip-off from ANTM?  They have runway challenges, eliminations, cat fights, and a little less screaming.  It's on right now as I blog about Tyra, but I'm about to turn the channel.  I can't betray ANTM.  I'm fiercely loyal to Ty Ty.  Fierce, baby.

So, ANTM.  The episode begins with a trip to the fire hall.  I'm so glad that it's finally long enough since 9/11 that there aren't any references.  That would have been very painful.  Almost as painful as watching the firefighters pretending to be interested during the runway lesson at the fire hall.  But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself...

The girls enter the fire hall and meet up with Miss J, dressed as a firefighter.  The girls have 90 seconds to change into firefighter gear.  By that, I mean hotpants, white t-shirt, red suspenders, and some black ankle boots.  You know, the usual thing firefighters like to put on to save lives.  Only during the summer, though.  Fatima's a bit of a rebel because she apparently thinks all firefighters should wear gold lame pumps.  Finally the girls are lined up and a group of real firefighters come up and have to pretend to be fired up by these awkward 18-25 year old girls strutting around them.  Amis skips, Fatima walks like a Clydesdale (Marvita is envious - damnit, she's the one with the horse hair!), and Dominique is one second away from stripping.  Thankfully the pole at the fire hall is not part of this scene. It's a bit boring, but no worries, the photo shoot in the second half more than makes up for it.  Chopped liver or prime rib, anyone?

Back at the loft or penthouse or whatever, there is only some mild cat fighting, with Marvita and Fatima as instigators, no surprise there.  And I've said it before and no doubt will say it again: Dominique? Seriously.  Next up is a cryptic tyra mail about being out of order.  The girls are quickly shuttled off to do a runway in front of some people pulled off of Seventh Ave, an editor from Seventeen magazine, and our old friend, Ms. Cha Cha Diva Jaslene, looking like, to quote Amis, a latino sandwich.  Um.  Yeah.  I personally loved how Dominique's greatest goal in life is to be in Seventeen magazine.  She's 23 years old.  Dream big, sister, dream big!

At the runway, the challenge is...wait for it...to get dressed.  All by yourself.  Well, not completely by yourself.  All the clothes you have to put on are hung up for you, with a list of items and a picture.  I dress myself every damn day in probably less than 3 minutes and no one is taking pictures of what outfit I should put together.  Seriously.  I'm timing myself tomorrow morning.  I couldn't believe that some of the girls could not get themselves dressed, but I was wrong.  Some of them actually screwed up.

The runway starts:

Stacy Ann - pretty good.
Whitney - showed some boob, but still worked it.
Lauren - sprints it out
Aimee - looked good
Katrazyna - still my favourite
Fatima - not only missed a few buttons but thought no one would notice it.  Sure, Fatima, one side of your sweater is up around your chin and there are some empty button holes hanging below your waist.  If you close your eyes, Fatima, maybe no one will see you, either
Dominique - seriously.  Transvestite Judy Jetson (Meeow!)
Marvita - trots it out
Claire - looked good
Anya - looked good
Amis - could have been a Stepford wife.  Although I did enjoy watching Miss J crack up in the background (Trust me, if Miss J is in the background of a shot, always check him out, he won't disappoint).

I honestly could have watched the runway all night.  Classic.

After the runway, the girls are criticized.  I was a bit surprised at how harsh Jaslene was to Lauren.  But then, Jaslene IS trying to be like Ty Ty after all.  Katrazyna won the challenge and decided to pick the horse and the stepford wife.  Smart move, Kat, smart move.  The only thing that would have been smarter is if she could have worked Dominique into it.  I'm so mean to Dominique, I should really settle down.  But I can't. Dominique?  Seriously.

Kat and the girls won a photo shoot with Jaslene at lot 29.  It was a classic photo shoot, I especially loved how Cha Cha Diva kept putting her arms in front of everyone while she was posing.  Fantastic.

Next up was the photo shoot with everyone.  The girls went off to the meatpacking district, where they, quite literally went to a meat locker.  I always imagined the meatpacking district as a cool place to live, with abandoned meat lockers converted into lofts, and cool bars and shops and stuff. But there is actually meat there.  Out from a meat locker comes the Silver Fox, perhaps more aptly named the White Fox for this episode, and announces that the girls will have to put raw meat on themselves and try to look provocative.  If only I were being sarcastic, but someone has actually stitched together a beef vest. Let's call that person, oh, I don't know, Hannibal Lecter. It's a bit weird.  But the girls try hard, even though some are wearing steak scarves, and a beef tank with matching loin boy shorts.  Some sick person out there might think about meat curtains, but not me.  No sir.

All I know is that when I was in NY, I had a very beautiful steak one night and now all I think about is all the meat being worn by these girls.  So many gross jokes that can be inserted here.  Also, I really think that Amis should have taken a bite out of the raw meat - that would have kept her on the show.  There I go, spoiling the end.  Poor Amis, but she was quite positive about being voted out, so I can't fault her for that.  But she did stand before Tyra, and Fatima continued on in her journey in becoming America's. Next. Top. Model.  Goodbye, Amis.

Survivor Micronesia Episode Five: The One Where I Lose Interest

Ok, lose interest is not the right title.  It's probably more appropriate to say that I didn't watch this episode.  That's right, I went there. PVR'd it, watched the last 20 minutes of it, but could not bring myself to watch the first part.  My sincere apologies if there are loyal people out there who are missing out and who think that their weekend may be spoiled because of it.  No worries, I promise to blog it out next week and I will leave you with a few random thoughts:

1. At first I thought I might 'pretend' I watched the show and blog away.
I'm pretty sure I've watched enough episodes and seasons to try...but
that would be wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

2. As I said, I watched Tribal Council onwards, so I noticed that Chet goes up against Joel (hee hee) and wins.  I'm a bit surprised
that Chet is still around, but please see my earlier post about how if
Chet, Kathy, and Cirie are in the final three, I just might quit
Survivor altogether. 

3. I'm pleased to see that Alan Alda is around, although from the scenes from next week, it's looking quite ominous.  For a second (or more like a minute) I thought that the medic that was talking to Alan about blood infections was one of the 'fans'. If she didn't have that accent, I might have thought it was Kathy.

4. I promise to watch my taped episode before next week so that I can still tally the number of 'blurred out' body parts.

5. This is totally off-taste, but has Amanda had some work done?

6. Don't forget Monday's pre-Bachelor show.

7. If you forget that, don't forget the premier of the Bach March 17

8. Finally, for Jess: yes, Miss J has gone off the deep end and made his eyebrows kind of sparkly, kind of silver, to match the names he has 'emblazoned' on his shirt.  I Heart Miss J.  (note: Miss J is not a 'fan' or a 'favourite', he is the fiercest mofo ever).

ANTM Cycle 10: Episode Three - Unbe-weave-able

So tonight I didn't PVR the show, I just watched it 'live', with all the commercials.  Wow, that show is looong.  Plus now I'm craving Oreo Cakesters and I just might watch Smallville, since I'm into that new One Republic tune.  And when the hell did Mary J Blige start selling herself out by singing in Chevy Malibu commercials?

Tonight's episode starts with a little chit chat with Dominique.  I'm sure Dominique is a nice person, but seriously. Seriously.  Paulina called it with the soccer mom bit.  Seriously.

All the girls are sitting around, starting cat fights.  The doorbell rings.  There is screaming.  The door opens and there a bunch of white purses lying on the ground.  More screaming.  The purses are opened and out come a crapload of apple bottom jeans.  And I find myself screaming.  I have a bit of thing for apple bottom jeans, you see.  They basically kill me. Although I don't own a pair (yet), I definitely think they are the 'black leather pants' of the new millenium.  Look for them on cougars everywhere in a few years.  More catfighting and then...wait for it...Tyra Mail.

Holy crap Tyra mail is painful.  I swear that whoever is controlling the pace of that thing just slows it down each time so the girls sound even more stupid as they read it (nay, scream it) out loud.  "You've.......worked.....the......hair.....and......the.....makeup....now...work...the...............lingerie".  More screaming, but not as much as before.  There's always some confusion about the message from the Tyra mail that detracts from the screaming.

The first challenge is at Wal-Mart.  A bit boring, but Claire wins a picture on the wal-mart cover girl page.  I swear to you that I went to walmart.com to look for said picture but couldn't find it.  Anyone who finds it, please let me know.

Up next, the makeovers.  Hooray.  Marvita got a mullet.  No, not a mullet.  Models call it something infinitely better.  A Horse Mane.  Yes, that's way more fierce Marvita.  It's actually an improvement for her.  Claire gets her head shaved and Fatima (who I thought would also get a buzz cut) gets a super-long weave.  Also an improvement.  Allison is really starting to annoy me at this point - enough with the eyebrow raising, eye-rolling, cynical snobbery, Alli.  That crap does not fly with Tyra.

Finally the photo shoot with Elle MacPherson lingerie.  I've decided from now on I'm going to call Jay Manuel the Silver Fox, for many reasons.  One, he's a fox (if you're a gay man), he's wearing a shiny silver coat that is very tight, and he  has silver hair.  I thought I might be able to fit in a joke here about drapes matching the curtains, hardy har har, but couldn't quite work it in.  So back to the Silver Fox.  He and Elle are directing the girls.  I've got to admit that as this point, I would be the biggest dolt in modeling, probably ever.  To me, all the girls are posing.  But some girls get raked over the coals because they are posing too much, others not enough.  Some could be catalog models, others commercial, others high fashion, runway, male magazines, whatever. The subtlety is too much for me.  I long for the moments when everyone is screaming.  Simpler times.

More commercials. (next time, I'll PVR it).

After the commercial break, before the judging starts, they always show a model pic of Tyra in a similar photo shoot to what the girls just did.  But I, for a split second, thought the come-back-from-commercial pic might be of Miss J, with his blonde weave, some lingerie, working it with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background.  Fierce.  But I don't write the show so this doesn't happen.  Sigh.

So as the girls are reviewing their pictures with the judges, I can't help but have a revelation of sorts.  Photography is genius.  I mean really.  Some of these girls (Anya, Dominique) come before the judges, looking like they just came off a three-day bender from Vegas with no sleep, huge bags under their eyes, hair unwashed, and one tequila shot away from passing out.  Flash to the best picture from the photo shoot and the girls look fantastic.  Lighting, makeup, directing, and photography are really underrated.  So there, a revelation during ANTM.  Who would have thought it?

Again, I enjoy watching Miss J during the handing out of the pictures - he looks so bored.  One of these times, he's going to be filing his nails, or reading the NY Times.  So, the pics are handed out and Allison is heading home.  She so much of a drama queen - it was quite ridiculous.

Love this show, Tyra, love it.

ABC turns my blog into a Bachelor episode

Kidding, of course. I wish.

But on a serious note, ABC is airing a special episode of the Bachelor- a 'pre-rose ceremony' if you will. On March 10, a 'Where Are They Now' episode will be airing. Set the PVRs, people. My old friend Chris Harrison is back and is going to be catching up with all the old bachelors. And now I have the tune 'The Boys are Back in Town' in my head, perhaps that will open the episode. Chris-Bot is also set to visit the home of Trista and Ryan. Hopefully he'll bring a bronzed rose as a baby gift. Should be a great review of all the best.moments.in.bachelor.history.