Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Seven: We're Fixin' to Go From Four Guys to Three, Y'all

Oh, good lord. What a show. What a two-hour show. After the last few weeks, I have not been warming up to DeAnna. She'd no doubt chastise me for not opening up, for not realizing that she knows exactly what I'm going through since she's been through it all before, but I don't care. I'm actually rooting for the guys I like to not get a rose. In the immortal words of that dude-who-wrote-that-book-and-then-went-on-Oprah-and-then-was-never-heard-from-again: I'm just not that into you, DeAnna.

So. Tonight. Family Dates x 4. These are always enjoyable. Always lots of booze flowing, at least one awkward silence, a weird brother, and nice parents. So, let's begin.

DeAnna Wants to be Jesse's Girl.

Jesse's a really good snowboarder, and he actually looks okay in a helmet. He really should shake it up and get a short hair cut. Come on, dude, just for me. You can do it. He and DeAnna meet on the mountainside in Breckenridge and he gives her a snowboarding lesson. I know everyone thinks DeAnna's a natural athlete, but I tend to think that he's a pretty good instructor. Maybe a bit of both, I'll try to be nice. So, they board down the bunny hill and seem to have a pretty good time. Then they have a very long chat over coffee (seriously, it may have been the longest un-edited scene in the history of the show), and seem to be getting along. Then she hops on his back and they snowboard down a real mountain. Pretty cool.

Back at Jesse's house (he says 'it's little' but it's got a 70-inch tv in the foyer), she snoops around. A plus for Jesse: he's got a non-profit organization to help underprivileged kids snowboard. Minus for Jesse: he labels all the shelves and drawers in the kitchen. Makes me think he's either obsessive-compulsive, or he's obsessive-compulsive and rents out his place when he's not there. Whichever, it's bit odd. His parents come over, and they're pretty down-to-earth. Dad is funny, mom brought DeAnna a gift. Dad takes Jesse aside to tell him he needs to open up and mom tells DeAnna she just wants her baby boy to be happy. Pretty smooth visit. Afterwards, DeAnna and Jesse have a final chance to be alone:

Jesse: Ever been on a horse and carriage ride?
DeAnna: Remember that dude Richard from the start of the show?

I kid, of course, she should've said that but doesn't. They climb behind old Rusty and finally kiss.

I Can't Think of a Good Catch Phrase for Jeremy.
The date begins with DeAnna standing on the side of the road in Dallas. A motorcycle pulls up. It's B-Dub. I am not kidding. DeAnna blinks her eyes really fast and he turns back into Jeremy. So close. Soooo close. But she climbs on the back of the bike and they tour around Dallas. Back to his apartment, and my first impression is that of Christian Bale a la American Psycho (If you don't know what I'm talking about, buy the book or rent the movie. It's messed up). I mean, this cat Jeremy is immaculate. I'm pretty sure that the items in fridge are alphabetized. His walk-in closet is...interesting. His trousers are organized by increasingly lighter shades of gray. And what was with the posters to help him study for the Bar? If I were a lawyer who was just called to the Bar, my first order of business would be to destroy any evidence that I ever studied for it. But not our friend Jeremy. He's got an image to uphold. The dog is cute - Kemo.

But then, the date changes. He pulls out family pictures, and we see pics of his mom, who looks a lot like DeAnna. They talk about losing a parent. I have a strange feeling - am I starting to like this guy? I find that I am. A lot. And then, he pulls out a journal he kept when his mom was ill and right before she passed away. Wow. He reads from it to DeAnna. She's crying. I'm crying. Such a personal thing - it was totally inappropriate that such a private and personal thing was on a ridiculous show like the Bach'ette. Wow. We get a breather in the form of an extended commercial for Wipeout, and then his two brothers and a sis-in-law come over. They have dinner and talk about death and losing parents. Then we split up and the brothers grill DeAnna. Jason's a hardass, it's a bit ridiculous. At the end of the date, she's in love with Jeremy and even I've been won over by him

Sleepless in Seattle
Jason's a bit of a doll, he's just so excited and cute. He literally starts to jump up and down when he sees DeAnna. What girl wouldn't like this dude? They're in Seattle, at the Space Needle, where they go to the 'tippy top' and get an amazing view of Seattle. I, who is terrified of heights, would literally die at this point. Open air at the top of the Space Needle, with a flimsy rail that only comes up to your knees. Yes, I would die. They share a kiss, go inside and share a nice conversation, where we learn that DeAnna wants 3 kids by the time she's 30. She's currently 26. Jason quickly does the math in his head and decides that yes, he can work with that, so they carry on to meet his boy Ty.

Ty's playing ball with some random person. For a second I thought it might be the ex-wife, but I doubt it. Ty looks up and the dramatic music starts to play. 'Daddy!' Jason starts to run. 'Ty!'. The best thing, of course, would have been a slow-motion sequence, but no. Jason runs over and hugs his son. DeAnna's crying. I'm crying. DeAnna confides that when she saw the love between Jason and his son, she was done. She was falling for this guy. DeAnna meets Ty and it goes well. The three of them feed some ducks and then head over to his family's house, where we meet mom and dad, a couple of brothers, and a sister-in-law.

The family is nice - they cook a greek meal in honour of DeAnna, which was great, and everyone gets along. After dinner, Jason shows Ty the star certificate that DeAnna bought for him (better than that lame golf ball that appeared earlier). Grandpa Dennis is in tears over the star. So am I. It's ridiculous. What a show. Finally, DeAnna pulls out the ouzo. Everyone has a shot (Ty uses his sippy cup). Next scene: they're hammered. Next scene: they're hammered and playing leap frog. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not. There's a VERY emotional goodbye (what a loving family) and the date ends after we see Jason and Deanna kiss at what I can only assume is his place. Jason seems to have it wrapped up.

Shooting Hoops in Raleigh
Graham's excited. DeAnna's excited. They meet at Graham's old high school to shoot some hoops. He's had a jersey made for her and they have the gym to themselves. She is all over him and they have a great date. Their physical attraction is 'undeniable', as they say. Back at his parents house, we meet Karan and Ike (I think it was Ike). Graham seems close to his parents. Mom is chatty, dad is quiet; they're both really nice. DeAnna's feeling close enough to Karan to ask her if she thinks her son is ready for marriage. Mom is very honest in her reply, when she says that Graham is a bit of a loner, and that he's had problems having relationships for longer than 4 weeks. Hmm. Trouble brewing. The date seems to take a downward turn at this point. DeAnna and Graham sit on a bench outside the house, and there's an awkward conversation. And by awkward, I mean genuine. Graham is a loner, yes, and scared of commitment, yes, but he's honest about it. He's the most real guy to me of all of them:

DeAnna: 'What's on your mind?'
Graham: 'Everything.'
DeAnna: 'Are you okay?'
Graham: 'Yup.'

This is probably his way of telling her that he's falling for her. She accuses him of being closed-off. He says that is just who he is, he can't be any different. There's a lot of awkward silence, and then she leaves. No kiss goodbye this time. Is it the four-week mark already? Did the mom spoil it? Or is he just tired of her pouting that's it not all about her all the time?

Back at the house, I'm getting geared up for the Rose Ceremony. It's pretty obvious to me who's going home, but you never know on this show. DeAnna's in the green room looking at the four framed pictures of the remaining dudes, and she says, I'm not kidding:'I don't understand how you're supposed to choose just one'. Somewhere in Texas, B-Dub yells out a resounding 'Thank you!' and downs another shot of tequila.

The dudes come in one at a time, escorted by Chris-Bot. Jesse is channeling his inner Miami Vice, complete with white suit, black Gap t-shirt, and mesh shoes. Rewind it if you don't believe me. Jeremy and Jason look sharp. Graham shuffles in, wearing jeans, sweater, shirt, tie, and jacket. DeAnna comes in wearing a very short dress. She makes no speeches. And looks very serious. Blinking like a banshee. Just starts reading off the names: Jesse. Jeremy. Jason. Chris-Bot didn't even come in to tell us when we were down to the final rose; he was cowering in the corner. Everyone's a bit scared of DeAnna.

But whoa. G-Dog gets the boot. I guess I did see that coming, but I'm glad for him. She's too much for him, and not in a good way. He walks over to her to say goodbye, she walks him outside. He looks like he might laugh, she's Miss Serious Pants. They sit on the bench. And she begins with, no surprise, multiple references to B-Dub:

'I made it perfectly clear what it was like with Brad. And in the end, Brad led me on. Brad broke my heart.' She says she feels like Graham led her on the way Brad did. And then, the best line ever, better than anything B-Dub ever spewed out, comes from Graham: 'You are very entitled to your opinion. And you are more than welcome to make it easier on yourself by thinking that, but that's not true'. Wow. I paused the tv for one full minute, just to absorb it all. DeAnna has made the mistake of thinking that she could change a boy, and she can't understand why he just couldn't be someone different. Someone he's not. They're both emotional, quiet, looking away from each other. She's only thinking of herself. And then they have to leave. Graham stands up, and hands her a card and says he wrote out his real feelings, that it's not to be read on the show, it's for no one else but her. She's bawling. I'm on the edge of the couch. He leaves and she breaks down and reads the card (to herself) and thinks she might have made a mistake. Meanwhile, Graham's in the car, dialing B-Dub on his cell (those cats would TOTALLY be friends in real life). Actually, he's not on the phone, instead he's quiet and teary.

What a ending, people, talk about reality TV gold!! Next week, on the Men Tell All, we learn who was hated the most (my guess: Ron) and what the note from Graham said (my thought: I really hope that we don't get to hear what it said). My PVR also tells me that Shayne and Matt will make an appearance on next week's show. Should be entertaining.

Let me leave you with this final summation (Jeremy taught me that word) about DeAnna. Always keep in mind that she chose Jesse over Graham. Although I don't think either of them will give her three kids in the next four years, but seriously, check it out, and tell me which you think is more 'marriage-material':
Jesse on the right, dudes.

Graham has a website: www.grahambunn.com

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Six: D is for Decisive - Just say No to the Cocktail Party!

I know, I know, I know. I do a lot of numbered lists. I can't help it; it's the nerd in me, if you will. It's just...orderly. But I will try to keep it to a minimum tonight by only highlighting my three major observations tonight, you can agree with me or not on them, with further explanations to follow below.

1. DeAnna's not over B-Dub (Brad). I've been talking around this one for awhile, but I'm putting it out on the table now.

2. DeAnna says a lot of the same things that B-Dub said. This could probably be point 1a, but that would be WAY too nerdy, even for me.

3. Chicks just might be crazy. Now, being a chick, that's not always the kosher thing to say about my sisters, but sometimes...

So, enough with the numbers, y'all. Lets get to the one-hour episode!

It begins with Chris-Bot down at the Outhouse, telling the guys that there are six remaining, but only four will go on to bring DeAnna home to meet their families. Also, no roses handed out on dates this week, just at the end. Finally, the boys and DeAnna need a vacay from their rough life and thus, are headed to Palm Springs to continue the debauchery. Fast-forward to Rancho Relaxo in Palm Springs, which can conveniently be seen from the Outhouse, and the guys are lounging around when the first date box (cleverly disguised as a lantern) arrives at their doorstep. Sean gets the first one-on-one date, with the card reading: Let's Take Our Relationship to New Heights. Now I know what most guys might be thinking, but clever DeAnna meant that they will be taking a gondola ride to the top of a mountain, with dinner waiting, and potential for dessert back at her suite. As a bit of a sidebar: I love how the guys all think DeAnna's got the greatest taste in picking out dates. Um. Seriously. She's really footing the bill for these things, of course.

So the gondola ride is a bit creaky and long, and as a person who's scared of heights herself, I would have probably been lying on the floor of that gondola with my eyes closed. Put me on there with Twilley and his motion sickness, and that would have been hot, y'all. But Sean's 'a man' and they seem to have a pretty nice time. Good conversation at dinner, lots of 'opening up' (there's an overused expression if I've ever heard one), lots of things in common, some strange conversation about loaded guns (what?), and the dessert consists of chocolate and champagne. Pretty sweet, no pun intended of course. And then, two odd things: Sean mentions that he lives one street over from his mommy and daddy, and DeAnna (to the camera) says that 'there's definitely a romantic side to John'. I may have singlehandedly paid for the PVR tonight, kids, because I went back a million times, slowing it down, speeding it up, and every time, the same: John. Not Sean, but John. Interesting foreshadowing.

Looking For A Man Who Can Get Down and Dirty
The next day, a group date for Jesse, Jason, Graham and Twilley. Twilley and DeAnna share one helicopter while the other guys squeeze into another. Twilley doesn't quite know how to open the door, but who cares really, because he's got more important things to worry about, like not puking on the love of his life. They all get dropped off in the middle of the desert, where they learn they are going four-wheeling. I don't know if there's an official name for this type of activity, although DeAnna calls it four-whillin' and some of the dudes say 'riding ATV's'. Whatever, it's definitely not what Graham thought of when the date card was read, but he's into it. The usual madness ensues: Jesse is competitive and wipes out, Jason just rides straight ahead at the same pace (DeAnna calls this being 'straight-laced'; I call this being 'a dad'), Twilley is off by himself playing with imaginary friends no doubt, and of course DeAnna races circles around them, or so we're told.

Afterwards, everyone's pool side and there's the usual horseplay and one-on-one time (another expression that is overused, especially by me). Jason and DeAnna share a nice moment, then Jesse doesn't kiss her, although there were enough awkward pauses that he could have went for it, and Graham seals the deal by lounging with her on the hammock. Sidebar: I loved how Graham was excited for the hometown date because finally everyone would be on his team; I can totally relate to that. Twilley gets no one-on-one time and she ends the date by telling him that she's proud he didn't throw up today. Poor Twilley.

Later that night, DeAnna goes on her final date of the episode, with Jeremy. The two head off in a big 'ole convertible, driven by DeAnna. I'm reasonably pleased that Jeremy isn't over-the-top impressed that DeAnna is driving. I mean, really, I know DeAnna thinks she's cool and all because she's behind the wheel, but we girls have been driving for a very long time. I'm just sayin', maybe it's time to bring something new to the table. Anyhow, they go off for a private dinner at Frank Sinatra's old house (not sure how the producers swung this one), but it's pretty cool. Except for the singing, of course. That was awkward, but they survived it. DeAnna is falling for this guy, it's obvious he's the favourite, especially after he pulled out the old standby "You're not perfect, but you're perfect for me".

After the commercial break, the boys ramble into the house for what they think is the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party. But there goes DeAnna, breaking the rules again. She doesn't need a cocktail party, she's made up her mind. And of course, she pretends to show empathy for the guys by saying 'I don't want to let these guys suffer through a cocktail party knowing that I've already made up my mind'. In reality, they wouldn't know she'd made up her mind unless she tells them, she just took away their final chances of making a good impression, and she's obviously tired from driving that convertible last night.

So, Chris-Bot walks in and he's giddy because we're getting right to the meat here, no waiting in the wings to ting his glass. The roses appear and we begin with DeAnna giving the spiel. And quelle surprise, she says she doesn't want to lead the guys on the way she was, so she hands out the roses. I don't want to point out the obvious here, although I guess I do, since I'm about to: DeAnna is doing exactly what B-Dub did when he was the Bachelor: slowly whittle away people who are in way over their heads and hope that no one gets hurt. In my opinion, all DeAnna's actions on this show are just redeeming B-Dub's actions on the Bachelor. If she didn't want to do what B-Dub did to her, she could have just went on eharmony or wherever, and hooked up with Jeremy that way (can't you just see the commercials? What a coup that would have been for eharmony!). But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself, I know all you care about are who got the roses. So I'll keep it simple:

Jeremy - Jason - Graham - Jesse.

I'm a bit surprised by Jesse over Sean, but not enough to pause the TV or change positions on the couch. Sean and Twilley both come off looking like fairly decent guys, so I guess that's that. Next week: yadda, yadda, yadda, and we end with DeAnna in tears yet again. Yawn. Is B-Dub back yet?

So, back to my points:

1. DeAnna not over B-Dub. She just brings his name up a lot, and if not his name, she keeps saying 'I don't want to lead these guys on the way I was', 'I can't do to these guys what Brad did to me', and so on and so on. I just think she's not quite done with that cat.

2 (or 1a). Examples of things she's said that are similar/virtually identical to B-Dub:
About Jason: 'He has all the qualities that I look for in a husband' (change genders, of course)
About Richard: 'He is that perfect guy that I would have been lucky to have in my life' (change genders, of course)
About Richard: 'It's truly breaking my heart right now and I'm so sorry. I care about you but I can't lead you on and say I have feelings for you that I don't'.
About Fred: 'It would have been cowardly to keep Fred around'. I'm pretty sure that B-Dub said a similar thing, that it would have been cowardly to pretend to have feelings (for DeAnna) that just weren't there.

If I were brilliant or unemployed I would find some way to splice DeAnna and Brad sound bites and put that winner on YouTube, but you'll just have to have faith in me on this one.

3. Sigh. I don't think chicks are always crazy, but we are complicated. Example: Sean talks about how he's having a hard time with the other guys around, he's rewarded with dessert at DeAnna's and some intimate moments, but no rose. Graham says the same thing (which, by the way, made me respect him more), and she gets angry with him, and then forks over a rose. My point? At the end of the day, if a girl likes you, it doesn't really matter what you say or do (to a point). Conversely, if she's not into you, the same thing applies: it doesn't really matter what you say or do (to a point).

...just my thoughts, of course :)

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Five: DeAnna Tells Nothing, Y'All

So, instead of a two-hour episode tonight we were 'treated' to two one-hour episodes. Brilliant work, producers, just brilliant. In the first hour, we are promised a tell-all that is second to none, with DeAnna spilling her heart (or, should I say, opening up), about the six remaining guys, along with out-takes from the season so far. For the record, I'm still waiting for the out-takes. So....what did we learn tonight, y'all?

1. Nothing.

2. No, seriously, nothing.

3. Well, maybe a few things:

The questions and answers did not seem as scripted as I thought they'd be. Don't get me wrong, still fairly contrived, but I thought it would be worse.

DeAnna says a lot of the same things about the guys that B-Dub said about her. What goes around comes around, obviously, except DeAnna is not clueing into it. More on that in the next post, my friends.

DeAnna reassures us that the editing of the show is quite realistic and a fairly accurate portrayal of what really went on during the show. Wow. What a relief.

Twilley is more odd than I originally gave him credit for. Example one: he's an artist, and a unique one at that, since he always uses a ruler to sketch. Example two: he's using his dad playing for the Miami Dolphins as a point for himself. Um, first of all, is your dad single? But more importantly, the Miami Dolphins? Example three: He started a touch-screen real estate software type thingy in university. Okay people, back me up here, but I'm pretty sure that 9 guys out of 10 started some type of software type thing in university...that's how university works in general. It doesn't mean you're successful with it. I could be wrong about Twilley, I'd be happy if he proved me wrong. But I digress...

Sean set off many alarm bells consecutively: he collects cars, he has a tanning machine at home, he also has a sauna (to help lose the water weight), and he calls his mom, oh, two or three times...a day. Oh sister, run.

We 'catch up' with our favourite Bachelor family, the Sutters. For the uneducated, that's Trista, Ryan, and Max. They are just loving their life and everything about it. Trista confesses that Graham and Jason are her favourites for DeAnna.

And finally, we learn that DeAnna doesn't have a favourite. Well, she does, but B-Dub isn't on the show anymore.

Mostly, this episode was just a re-hash (is that a word? Note to self: where's my editor?) of what we already know and have seen: Graham opening up and DeAnna seeing it as rejection, the overdramatic reaction that DeAnna had to not having guys fall all over themselves for her at the Outhouse BBQ (note to DeAnna: get over it), the double rejection of Rob and Fred, and on and on.

On to the next hour, where only four guys get roses (and hometown dates).

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Four: DeAnna pulls a Womack

You know, DeAnna’s an interesting bird.  I remember when she was on the ‘first’ show, with B-Dub, and throughout most of the season, I didn’t like her.  She was stirring up trouble with the other girls and not too well liked.  By the end, I liked her. Tonight’s episode resurfaced many of those ambivalent feelings for her. Maybe ambivalent is too nice of a word, actually.  Let’s see how it all went down in the Most.Shocking.Episode.Ever.

Nine dudes remain.  Thankfully, we don’t open with a recap of DeAnna getting dumped by B-Dub.  But don’t you worry, his name will come up during the episode, by DeAnna.  I’m telling you, she is not over that guy.  And who could blame her, really, with the current collection of dudes.  We begin with a recap of Richard and Jason’s one-on-one dates from last week.  Nice.  Richard gets canned and Jason gets a rose.  We get it, DeAnna, you’re not going to be nice.  You’re not going to do to these guys what Brad did to you.  Well, actually, sister, you kind of are doing exactly what B-Dub did to you. 

Killing Me Softly With His Song

The first challenge of the night is delivered by Chris-Bot, who tells the guys that they have 20 minutes to write a song, which they will then perform to DeAnna and the other guys.  Brian is the only guy who enjoys it. In fact, he enjoys it so much that he is writing four whole verses and a refrain.  The best part of Chris-Bot’s job emerges right here, right now.  He gets to watch these yaks perform their ‘songs’.  Fred does okay.  It’s a good thing that Graham’s hot, because one of his lyrics is that ‘no one know’s there’s a conflict between you and I’. Robert and Twilley think they are cowboys.  Jeremy’s the whitest guy on the show yet feels the need to rap.  Sean and Jason do more of a spoken word type of thing and less of a song.  Jesse is the only one who gives DeAnna any love, so he wins the one-on-one date with DeAnna.  He’s not sure what the date will consist of, but he does know that he doesn’t have a thing to wear.  Thankfully, DeAnna is already dressing these guys, and she sends down a suit for him. 

Jesse and DeAnna take a limo to the Wiltern, which is a big old concert hall, that is empty except for the two of them (and camera and production crew of course).  Good lord, she makes Jesse perform his song for her again, on stage.  Is she actually enjoying this?  Make them jump through a few more hoops why don’t you, DeeDee?  Dance, monkey, dance!  Following this debacle, they have a sit-down dinner with a Q&A, where we learn that Jesse:

• has never cheated on a girlfriend


• is stubborn


• is trying to open up


• has real feelings for DeAnna


• is genuine

We also learn that DeAnna is soaking this up, although she admits that she’s not usually attracted to guys ‘like him’.  Nice try at a compliment, DeAnna.  She forks over a rose and then they get a surprise private performance from Natasha Bedingfield.

Back at the house, Brian, Twilley, Sean, Jeremy, Graham and Jason learn that they will be on the group date, which means that Fred and Rob are left to go on the two-on-one date.  Yikes.

Dale Earnhardt Turns Over in His Grave (note: that is not a picture of Dale)

The group date consists of the boys going to the Auto Club Speedway in a doublewide trailer, y’all.  They’re going to race around a track and who ever drives the fastest wins a special surprise from DeAnna.  Brian is up first, has some problems starting the car, but then does well (140 mph).  Jason looks hilarious behind the wheel, Graham hasn’t driven a car in two years (I’m telling you, good thing he’s hot, because there isn’t a lot there otherwise), and Jeremy doesn’t even crack a smile when he’s behind the wheel. Twilley’s performance is uneventful (that’s what she said), and Sean seriously looks like he might kill himself.  He doesn’t care if he crashes into everyone at the finish line; he’s going to win.  And he does, with 141.11 mph.  Later, DeAnna takes a twirl around the track and looks fairly smug, coming in at the fastest time at 141.62 mph.

Sean gets some special one-on-one time with DeAnna where he does a lot of talking and not a lot of listening.  He tells her that they have a lot of the ‘same similarities’ and when she mentions that she lived in Kentucky before her mom passed away, there was an awkward pause where any normal guy might have addressed the mom factor, but Sean’s reaction?  He bursts out in a laugh, says he feels like he just got a huge boost of confidence, and that he knew that they had this bluegrass connection.  From there, I thought he was doomed.  But no, DeAnna, that complex bird, forks over a rose to him.

The usual formula follows: each guy gets some on one-on-one time with DeAnna, beginning with Jeremy.  Then Graham interrupts and they go for a walk.  There’s a lot of touching and gazing and arm stroking.  She’s very attracted to him. And then, trouble: Graham ‘opens up’ and tells her that he’s having a hard time with all the other guys around and so he finds himself holding back a little. Her reaction?  She gives her usual spiel: She knows exactly what the guys are going through, she’s been through with B-Dub, don’t you remember?  Her logic seems to be that since she’s been though it herself and knows what the guys are going through, that they shouldn’t be feeling that way.  Um.  What?  Shouldn’t it be the opposite – that she would feel some empathy for these cats?  It’s like she’s punishing Graham for making her like him too much. Sigh. Chicks are crazy.

Trouble at the Henhouse

The next day, the guys pull a reverse date card and invite DeAnna and the Big House boys down to the Outhouse for a barbecue.  They set up a kids table for Bobbie, and Bobbie doesn’t like it.  He throws his chair, pulls up his collar and storms off like a brat.  All of the guys, except Bobbie, decide to take their shirts off, and clown around with each other.  It looks a bit weak, I guess, but who cares?  DeAnna cares.  She pouts and whines like a fussy princess and confronts the guys, because no one is paying enough attention to her, she should be the center of attention, aren’t they all there for her?  I kid you not, she delivers some speech, starts to cry and then storms off to the house.  At this point, if I were one of the guys, I might pack my bag and leave.  If I were B-Dub, I’d be laughing my heart out. What goes around comes around, sister.  When she was one of the girls on the Bachelor, she was right in the thick of it, causing trouble with the other girls, and not making any friends.  But when the tables are turned, watch out.

Two Boys Fall Short

Later, Rob and Fred leave in a limo for their date with DeAnna (sidebar: we finally get to see the limo driver, and it’s not Chris-Bot!).  Fred confides to the camera that he’s got personality and Rob thinks that whoever gets the first kiss has got it in the bag.  Therefore, he’s going to go for that first kiss, whether she’s ready or not.  At dinner, DeAnna asks the boys what’s the romantic thing they’ve ever done for another girl.  Weak question.  A better question: what’s the most romantic thing you’d like us to do together? But, sigh, I don’t write the show.  Not that it’s scripted, mind you.  Never scripted!

The boys answer:

Rob: Took his ex-fiancée (alarm bell one) to Las Vegas and did a sunset tour in a helicopter.  Then something about a dozen monkeys each holding a dozen roses, which the monkeys tossed at them while they made love in a heart-shaped bed at the Bellagio or something.  It took him six months to pay off the date (alarm bell two).

Fred: He’s more low-key. He surprised a girl after work on a Friday and took her to Lake Geneva (close to Chicago), where they watched the sun set from a boat.

I conclude that Fred is a good guy and really does have personality.  With Rob’s first one-on-one time he goes for a kiss right away and gets brushed off.  Awkward.  But not to our boy Bobbie. He admits that he got a brush-off, but that it could get naughty later.  That’s right, naughty.  Who talks like that?  In the meantime, I think he’s unbuttoned another button on his chambray shirt and I’ve stopped listening to his smooth talking.  He mentions something about looking up rose in the dictionary, and seeing his face there.  What the ?

At dinner, DeAnna starts the spiel and then blindsides Rob by telling him that she can’t give him a rose tonight.  Whoa, he looks startled and even more like Elvis than usual.  Bobbie’s sad in the limo home.  Back at the date, Fred looks relieved.  But then…wait for it…she sends Fred packing, too.  Pulls a B-Dub on the unsuspecting Fred!!  And actually says she got led on by B-Dub so can’t do the same to Fred.  Um.  You just did sister.  One way not to do that to Fred: Don’t go on the Bachelorette.  Another way not to do that to Fred: Ditch them both at the same time, so we don’t have to see that look of relief on Fred’s face when Rob goes home.  Because that look is the same one you had, DeAnna, when B-Dub told you he had just sent Jenni home.  Exactly the same.

Back at the house, Jason greets poor old broken-hearted DeAnna and they snuggle on a lounger by the fire.  Maybe this is why she axed both Rob and Fred, so she could spend a night alone with Jason.  Either way, Jason is scoring some major points here.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, I’m once again distracted by Sean’s beetlejuice suit, which is a couple of sizes too small. Sean would give anything to be in Jason’s position.  This coming from a guy who has a rose and said to a guy who doesn’t have a rose.  Smart, Sean, smart.  There’s the usual conversations at the pre-Rose Ceremony and then every one hits the pool to blow off some steam.  While they’re all in the hot tub, Chris-Bot comes running out of the house towards the pool and jumps in, yelling ‘CANNONBALL’.  When he surfaces, he tings his glass and says it’s time to dole out roses.  One man will go home.  Jesse and Sean are safe.  The four remaining roses go to Jason, Jeremy, Twilley and Graham.  Poor Brian, he’s out.  Not really a surprise.

Next week: A ‘special’ episode consisting of a fireside chat between Chris-Bot and DeAnna where DeAnna reveals her true feelings about the six remaining guys.  I don’t know if I can sit through an hour of serious-talking, eye-blinking, scripted responses DeAnna.  Thankfully there are supposed to be some outtakes from the shows.

Book Club/Drinking Game questions and Random thoughts:

1. In the Big Brother/Outhouse, there is a lamp above the pool table with a picture on it.  Is this picture one of dogs playing pool?


2. Often I’ve hoped for an episode where each dude invites either an ex-girlfriend, an ex-fiancee, or an ex-wife on to the show, where she could give us an honest analysis of what he was like.


3. Have you ever noticed that Rob always wore collared shirts?  Also, that if it were short sleeved, the collar would be up and if it were long-sleeved, the collar would be down, but half of the buttons on the shirt would be undone as well.  Oh yeah, I notice crap like that.


4. Why would Rob use the phrase ‘smooth, rich, succulent’ and then purr when referring to his upcoming date with DeAnna?  Repulsive. 

Bachelorette Second Chance Episode Three: Waiting for a Star to Fall

Let me show you how to cut down two hours of show into one hour.  No, let me cut it down to one line only:

DeAnna to Jason: 'I've never, in my 26 years, dated a guy who wanted to know a thing about my mother.'

Game over, girls, game over.  Jason might as well have pulled out the rock right then and there and ended everyone's misery.  But let's move back a few steps and review the whole two-hour show in a series of random points so you can understand the context of that line:

1. Why does every episode have to begin with the recap of DeAnna getting dumped by B-Dub?  It’s depressing.  While we’re on the topic of DeAnna and B-Dub, she brings up his name a lot. Too much, in fact.  Almost as if she might be doing the whole show just to spite him. Not a good sign.


2. Do you get the feeling that the ‘Outhouse’, where the majority of the guys are staying, is just a recycled Big Brother set?  Something about the blue walls with no windows, the bunk beds, the moose head on the wall…it’s suspicious.


3. Graham’s not bad looking but I’m not a fan of the playoff beard he’s got going on.  DeAnna, however, loves the beard.  He also struts around like he was just riding a horse all day.  Or he just dropped a big load in his diaper.  Oh yeah, I went there. Watch for it.


4. There’s really no difference between the date card and the date box, since the date box contains only one thing: the date card.  Why couldn’t the Dude Ranch date box have come with all the boots and hats instead of getting it separately? It’s like they’re pulling this together at the last minute.


5. Richard.  Poor Richard.  He got the first one-on-one date with DeAnna and they have a rooftop dinner with a beautiful nighttime view of downtown LA.  I like Richard.  In fact, he was my pick to win it all.  But this date is not going well, right from the start.  It’s a bit awkward, and he’s coming off like a dorky high school student, especially with his 80-20 kiss theory, which one of his students probably told him as a joke and that Richard took way too seriously.  They go for a carriage ride, which might be my worst date nightmare, in which DeAnna does not give Richard a rose.  She actually stops the ride part way, tells him she can’t give him a rose, and then asks him to get out.  I especially like how the horse-drawn carriage has stopped right in the heart of Compton.  Good luck, Richard! And nice work, DeAnna. 


6. The Dude Ranch.  Dudes on Ranches.  Dudes singing campfire songs.  The dudes are out on the ranch, and their first job is to learn a line dance, with Billy Ray as their instructor.  Hey, Billy Ray’s been out of work for a while, give the cat a break!  Of course, I’m kidding, it’s not Mr. Cyrus at all, but it might as well have been. That line dance was weak.  None of the guys seemed to do really well, although it was hard to tell them apart, what with all the matching plaid shirts and white cowboy hats.  Thankfully, Graham ditched the white cowboy hat for his cool-boy black baseball hat.  Their next fun task is a ride on a mechanical bull, where Jesse stays on the longest.  DeAnna decides to play a prank on the boys, and pretends to be really hurt when she falls off of the bull.  All the boys come to her rescue (with Jesse in the lead) except for Ron, who is too busy drinking coffee out of a stainless steel mug and readjusting his chaps.  I don’t like Ron, but DeAnna didn’t win any points for me either with that ‘prank’.


7. Jesse continues to win me over; he seems to be a genuine guy.  But he still needs a haircut.


8. Twilley reminds me more and more each episode of Pee Wee Herman.


9. I don’t like Ron.  When he and DeAnna had their one-on-one time during the Dude Ranch date, he seemed like he was a dad, giving his daughter a lecture about the relationship between guys. 


10. These guys are way too serious.  Is this how guys talk when they’re alone with each other?  There seem to be a lot of deep conversations and soul-searching revelations.


11. Jason gets the other one-on-one date with DeAnna, and the pressure is on, especially because Richard went home mid-date and Jason is going to tell DeAnna about his son.  Should be a good one.  But this date is amazing, and I’m now rooting for Jason (hey, my other pick just got the boot half an hour ago so I need to find someone new).  Jason and DeAnna go for a helicopter ride and then they land at an Observatory for dinner, champagne, and checking out of the stars.  They seem to have a real conversation at dinner, and begin talking about family.  Jason tells DeAnna about his son, and she handles it well.  He asks about her mom, and she opens up to him about her mom’s battle with cancer and then makes the comment, that, in my opinion, basically ended the show, maybe even the season (see the start of the post).  Jason gets a rose, but he might as well have pulled out a diamond ring right there and then.  If you watched the episode, you’ll agree with me.


12. The next day, all the guys hit the Ellen show with DeAnna.  Ellen makes the requisite jokes about how hard it is to find a good woman, but does ask the guys some good questions, like ‘What’s the best thing about DeAnna?’ or ‘Who’s kissed DeAnna?’ or ‘Who’s been in the longest relationship?’ (Ron), and ‘Who’s been in the shortest relationship?’ (Graham). Graham’s hand went up so fast with that last question.  And who’s with me here, when Ellen asked him how short it was, I really thought he was going to say ‘one night’.  Come on, let’s call it like it is, people.  But instead, he said ‘Five…five…five months’. I did enjoy how Ellen got to reward a rose to one guy (Fred) and played the great music on the ghetto blaster.  Nice, Ellen, nice.


13. At the Pre-Rose Ceremony, many of the guys had one last chance to have one-on-one time with DeAnna.  Ron seals his fate by saying that at first, he didn’t think that DeAnna was his type, but now he’s fully ‘engaged in the process’.  Ron is too serious and too scripted for my liking.  Jeremy interrupts, and DeAnna seems grateful.  But I’m not into Jeremy.  I know he was one of my top-dog picks, but there’s something about him that I just don’t like.  Can’t quite put my finger on it, but he’s creepy.  Graham gives the right answers to the questions, although he does admit that he’s having a hard time competing with all the other guys.  No worries, Graham, one stroke of your beard and DeAnna will be under your spell.


14. When Jason and DeAnna have one-on-one time at the Pre-Rose Ceremony, she pulls out a certificate, which says that she has had a star named in honour of his son.  Bold.  Jason is overcome with emotion at this point.  It’s touching, but then DeAnna makes a cryptic comment (not to Jason, but to Chris)…something about how if things don’t work out, at least Jason will have this certificate and star named after Ty.  Strange. But for now, let’s just believe that Jason will be the last man standing.


15. The whole standing in front of the pictures and chitchatting about some of the guys with Chris-Bot could have been left out. 


16. Finally, time to dole out the roses.  We know that Rob, Jason, and Fred are safe.  The other six roses go to Twilley, Jesse, Jeremy, Brian, Graham and Sean.  What a rag-tag bunch, hey?  Did Sean even get screen time this week, other than when she made some backhanded comment about his haircut?  The youngest (Paul) and the oldest (Ron) are rejected, even though Paul was living in the house with her this week.  I especially love Ron’s rationalization about why he didn’t get a rose: ‘DeAnna didn’t reject me, she just chose other guys’.  Sure pal.  I guarantee that at that moment, your ex-wife just did a shot of tequila with our old friend B-Dub, while lying in a king size bed at some resort in Vegas.

Next week: DeAnna breaks down in tears and one of the guys has the Most.Romantic.One-on-One Date.Ever.  Just like every week, except for it had better only be one hour long.