For the amount of times DeAnna (and others) said Brad Womack's name, of course. If everytime I heard B-Dub's name I did a shot of ouzo, I'd easily go through a bottle or two of ouzo. Each episode. I mean really, DeAnna's parting words were 'I thank Brad Womack every day for [rejecting] me so I could meet the real man of my dreams'. Oh yeah, that's gotta make a guy feel pretty special. The only reason I'm with you is because of my ex-boyfriend. Hot.
But already I'm ahead of myself.
At the start of the episode, we begin with a quick montage of both of our final cats: Jason 'Sleepless in Seattle' Superdad and Jesse 'Nug' Superstah. Jason is lounging around sans shirt and looking pretty good. He's reflecting on his 'journey' through this 'process'. His feelings are strong; so strong, in fact, that he's in love. He's not holding back anymore. Next we see Jesse with his shirt off, probably standing on the next balcony over from Jason. He talks like a guy who thinks his girl is out of his league, which, for most girls would be a big fat red light, but not for our pal DeAnna. Jesse is happy because he wanted to build a friendship first, and then have a physical relationship. Nice. He also got a haircut and thinks his first kiss was DeAnna was 'ridiculous'.
Ok, before we go any further, I'm putting it out there: Jason is my favourite. I know, shocking. But seriously.
Meet the 'Rents
After the commercial, we hear from DeAnna about how excited she is to introduce the dudes to her family, but don't worry, she's been there before. Um. Not to make any assumptions, but most people I know over a certain age have introduced a guy to their family that they didn't up marrying. Granted, most of us don't do it with cameras around, but still. DeAnna, we have ALL been there before. Get.Over.It.
We meet DeAnna's family and they are determined to be hard on the guys because Brad treated DeAnna so poorly. Oh yes. This is a good sign. Not.
First to meet the Fokkers is Jason. He's brought gifts and he's ready to be grilled. Dad tries to ask the tough questions, but they're pretty standard. Sister Chrissy decides to take Jason for a walk, and they end up one room over in the living room, and even Chrissy brings up Brad (another shot of sweet ouzo). Jason and Dad head outside while DeAnna talks to her brother. Outside, Jason pleads his case. He's very mature and his intentions are sincere. He asks for Dad's blessing to ask DeAnna to marry him. Dad cannot hide how pleased he is by this. He tells Jason he has his blessing and they seal the deal with a handshake - nay - a hug.
Jason and DeAnna say their goodbyes. Although I notice that DeAnna breaks the embrace first, her family seems to like Jason a lot. But don't worry, y'all, they're fixin' to meet the other guy.
Jesse is very nervous and has sweaty palms, but he thinks it's totally 'rad' to meet his potential future in-laws. Do kids still use the word 'rad'? Weak. Jesse is introduced to the family and the dad makes a comment about the long hair. Jesse's retort: "I have long hair normally...(awkward pause)...I snowboard a lot." Like one is an explanation for the other. Thanks for coming out, J-Dawg. The conversation gets more awkward:
Dad: I'm not a snowboarder. Tell me about it.
Jesse: Yadda yadda yadda (I may have fast-forwarded through this part. I'd apologize but really, who wants to watch this?)
Dad: When you're as old as I am and can't snowboard....How long you gonna be competitive?
Jesse: No answer
Dad: Ever been in a serious relationship before?
Jesse: Yes, I lived with a girl for two years. I ditched her because she switched all the labels in my kitchen cupboards. That chick was messed up, dawg!
Dad: After the butterflies disappear...are you really ready for a commitment?
Jesse: This is all new to me. I've never done anything like this in my life.
Dad: If you take my daughter away and never let her visit, I'll hunt you down with my 6'5" nephew. You may know him as Brad Womack (another shot of ouzo).
Jesse didn't seem to make a good first impression; and he didn't ask for Dad's blessing. So not the most ringing endorsement.
After the commercial, we learn that we are meeting more of the Pappas family. Uncle Plutard (or something like that), Aunt Tina, YaYa, Papu, and sis-in law Crystal. The big twist (those crazy kids at ABC!) is that both dudes are going to be hanging with the family at the same time. How fun! Jason brings more flowers and a bottle of ouzo (or so I want to believe). Jesse brings the same shirt he wore the day before and a greasy hairstyle. The family looks fairly bored by the whole gong show, but the dad is treating it like a nightmare job interview:
Dad: Summarize your pros and cons for us.
Jesse: My pro is that I care so much about your daughter (Papu sneaks a shot of ouzo at this response; I don't blame him).
Jason: My con is that I'm not nearly as 'rad' as Jesse (YaYa slips Jason her phone number).
Jesse teaches the old folks about the blow-up nug. Seriously. This is what Jesse brings to the table. A blow-up nug. Why is he even in this competition? Jason asks Yaya and Papu what their secret to a long and happy marriage is. Yaya likes Jason, 'He's a very nice fellow'. Crystal likes Jesse, 'Just rock it out'. Crystal is fantasizing about leaving her hubby for the crazy slopes of Breckenridge. And then, a shocker: Jesse asks Dad for his blessing to get married. Jesse says he knows he's in love because he has sweaty palms and butterflies in his stomach. I'm not the biggest expert in love, but I'd hazard a guess and say that there is quite a bit more to real love than sweaty palms. Seriously. Jesse? Seriously.
He's Baaack
Back in the Bahamas, we get a blast from the past and get a visit from Jeremy. How long has Jeremy been waiting in the Bahamas outside DeAnna's hotel room, waiting for her to get back? It's either really creepy or the editing sequence for this show is way out of order. I honestly don't know which one I believe. But anyhow, the visit with Jeremy is anti-climactic. He just needs answers, DeAnna doesn't want to be like B-Dub, so she 'graciously' explains her feelings to him. Poor Jeremy. After he leaves DeAnna (for the second time), he takes a knee and cries like a baby.
Last Chance Dates
Jesse's last chance date begins with a float plane ride. I've been on a float plane. It's not that romantic. It's kind of choppy and pretty loud. Granted, I wasn't flying over some water in the Bahamas, but still. DeAnna and Jesse land near a deserted island and they spend the day wading around in the water and kissing. Back at the hotel, Jesse gives DeAnna a scrapbook. I mean, a 'book of thoughts'. The book is filled with pictures and notes. Jesse reads the notes out loud. For a split second, I thought he might be the type of guy who actually points at the words as he's reading them, you know, like someone learning to read, but that doesn't happen. That would have been gold.
Jason's last chance date is swimming with sharks. The shark thing was scary. DeAnna looked terrified. I would be terrified. They were just huddled at the bottom of the ocean (or tank) with sharks swimming all around them. Jason tried to keep her calm. Back at the hotel room, Jason also has a surprise for her. Now - boys of the world - pay attention to this one. Jason made a board game called Eight Roses. Wow. The game involves replaying dates and things they've done together (example: re-enact your first kiss). The last card in the game read 'Ask Jason to tell you something new'. At this point, Jason professes his love for DeAnna and how perfect she is for him, etc, etc. I mean really. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Why is Jesse even in this competition? Unfortunately, we find out why soon enough.
After the commercial, more talk of B-Dub by DeAnna. Meanwhile, the boys are picking out rocks at Tacori. Nice. Jason is confident, he picks out a rock, and then tosses a coin in a nearby fountain for luck. Jesse, on the other hand, is nervous. He almost pukes outside the jewelery shop and compares picking out a rock to falling off a 50-storey building. That'll be a fun scene to re-watch later with DeAnna. Love is sooooo blind, apparently.
At the mock altar, Jason is out first. This is not a good sign. Not.At.All. Jason is confident and he wore a orange tie because his son told him to wear orange (ya know, Georgia peaches and all). He gets down on one knee and then DeAnna stops him. At this point, my heart stops. She says 'No I can't. My life would be perfect with you but there's someone else in my heart'. Ho.Ly.Crap. I'm stunned. Jason goes home without a fiance. Now, at this point, I'll be honest. I stopped watching the show. Sorry y'all. But I just could not watch Jesse skateboard up the aisle, push his greasy hair out of his face, pull out a ring he could never afford 'in the real world' and push it on to DeAnna's finger. Just stopped watching. So if I missed something beautiful and inspiring, I guess it will haunt me to the end of time. Or to the start of the next season.
So...given the After the Final Rose crapfest, I know Jesse and DeAnna are engaged. They've also set a wedding date (May 9, 2009). Her family is shocked. We see Jason again and part of me thinks he would be a great Bachelor, but part of me hopes he disappears back to Seattle and we never see him on TV again. All of me hopes that we never hear from DeAnna and/or Jesse again, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen. Jason and DeAnna talk; she comes off looking more heartless than I thought possible, and he tries to be classy, given the ridiculous situation. Ug. I feel drained from this season. Just drained. But, just like Chris-Bot, I'll be back. Oh yeah, I can't pull myself away from this crap.
Jesse.
Seriously?
