ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Four: The one where two are kicked out of the Pity Party

The show opens with the usual: the girls are lounging back at the house, talking about themselves, talking about each other...yawn. Hannah tells Analeigh and Marj they should stop attending too many of their own Pity Parties. 'Just pick up your beans and keep on rolling'. A & M are perplexed and angry that Hannah doesn't want to wallow with them. We almost have a cat fight on our hands, but thankfully we are rescued by...wait for it...Tyra Mail!

Tomorrow your model dreams could end up in the gutter! Love, Tyra (as read by Clark)

Exciting! Are the girls going bowling? Slumming? What could it be? We find out soon enough that the girls are going bowling. Or at least to a bowling alley. Thankfully, Miss J provides some comic relief by spraying off the multicoloured bowling pumps and providing Isis with her 'male size 7' shoes. The girls are at the bowling alley not to bowl - nay - but to learn to walk. Fun! As a side note, I can't believe there was a bowling alley in town that would let a bunch of wannabe models walk, in high heels no less, down the alley. I'm talking past that white line where you are quite strictly not allowed to pass by. That is, if you're just there for the bowling. There are no surprises with the walking (were you expecting some?): Hannah is awkward, McKey can't walk and think at the same time, Samantha is a bit clunky, Elina is too stiff, and that dude in the green shirt in the aisle next to them probably has the best runway walk of them all. Maybe even better than Miss J. No. I've taken it too far. No one trumps Miss J. No one.

Back at the house, the girls practice their walks in their heels and formal shorts until...wait for it...Tyra Mail!

You think you have this competition in the bank? You may be walking right out of it....Love, Tyra (as read by Mickey - and no, that's not a typo). I don't know what to say about Tyra Mail anymore. Why don't they just play a video with Tyra, giving some fierce attitude, and reading the mail? Or a singing telegram delivered by the Silver Fox? Or Nigel dressed as a mail man, delivering the mail? I guess that's not in his contract. But I digress...

Up next is a runway challenge for the girls, where they will be walking a runway at an old bank, showcasing designs by Jeremy Scott. He's one of Miss J's pals and he's a bit snarly looking. Plus his hat isn't doing it for me. The twist: the girls will be blindfolded. The second twist: someone is getting eliminated. Tonight. COOL.

The girls do okay, although Samantha looked hilarious, Marj looked stiff, and Hannah looked...well, poor Hannah. She gets the boot. No surprise. Joslyn was the winner - her and Sheena and Isis get an editorial photo shoot with a 15-year-old Russian designer. I didn't catch her name. The shoot looked good and I've decided that Joslyn is now my pick to win it all. Oh yeah, I put it out there.

Tyra Mail:

This competition is deep! Some will rise above and some will go under. Love, Tyra (as read by Lauren)

The next morning, we see the girls first thing in the morning, sans makeup. Ouch. Marjorie? Whoa. The girls go into the backyard, where they learn they are doing a photo shoot in the pool. Our photographer? Noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker.

The girls do well for the most part. Isis was nervous. Clark was flirting with Nigel. Analeigh does well. Sheena looks great. Elina has model's block and isn't sure how to pose. Joslyn just about drowns. It's pretty standard, but I still can't wait to see their best pics at the judging panel. We don't have to wait long, because in the next scene...Tyra Mail!

Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 9 will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model. Love, Tyra (as read by Clark. Again.)

At the judging panel, Jeremy Scott looks like the angriest man in the world - I couldn't take my eyes off of him and his bad hair, ugly vest, and snarling face. What up, Jeremy? He scared me a little, I'll be honest. He's a bit harsh, but I guess modeling is a tough business, y'all. A business, don't forget.

Sheena, Lauren Brie (she looks so different in her pictures than she does in real life), and Clark have the best pictures, I think, and after the judges deliberate we learn that Poor Isis is heading home.

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Random thoughts from tonight's episode:

Hannah's sweet, but not too bright. Example: "I didn't even know they made stuff like that" (referring to high-heel bowling shoes).

Isis has too many hoop earrings. Maybe not too many, but too hoop-y.

I love how all the girls cheer and froth at the mouth when the designer/photographer/guest judge is announced. Do they really recognize the names?

I don't think Sheena is the only one with...um...implants. Samantha, anyone? Watch for it.

While I'm on the topic of Samantha, I think she'll go far, but her face always looks like she's one second away from crying...or whining.

Nigel in a wet suit. Nice.

Whitney's commercials. Where to begin? Sigh. The riding of the bike around NYC in a flowing skirt is a little too cliched for me. Why not throw in a basket with a dog, and a shopping bag strapped to the back, riding through a puddle and giggling at the splash while we're at. But back to what I wanted to say: I've seen her Seventeen magazine cover. I almost bought the issue, just for posterity or whatever, but I admit that I was actually too embarrassed to take it to the counter and pay for it. I'm way too old to read that mag. I'm undoubtedly way too old to watch this show - or maybe not - I suspect the people who watch it are way older than seventeen. But let me share with you a little tidbit about the magazine cover the girls get to win: the Whitney cover was a fake cover. Well, it actually was the back cover of the real Seventeen magazine, just mocked up to look like the real cover. True story.

Finally, during the next episode, watch Tyra's face at the judging panel when she's standing there and she's watching the girls walk in at the start. She looks absolutely disgusted, like she's about to spit on the ground and walk away. I love it. What I don't love is her little kick/curtsey she does after she's finished with her little spiel about the prizes. That's got to stop. Please. Maybe I should send her a Perogy Mail to that effect.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Three: Did Isis tuck?

Only 12 girls remain...who will be eliminated tonight?

The show begins with the usual filler: the girls on the bus go round and round, lamenting about how the judges are critical, how it feels like more of a competition now that 'someone' is gone, and how they all want to be high-fashion models. Fierce.

The girls come home to see Tyra in their living room, and two things are odd (well, more than two, but two that I'll comment on): Tyra looks ridiculous in a tiara and what is Isis wearing? The girls gather around and eat ANTM S.H.E.F. Pizza (that's Smokin' Hot And Extra Fierce) and Tyra talks about how she's made over her career as a supermodel. Made over. Madeover=makeovers. Get it, y'all? We're in for the best episode of the cycle!! MAKEOVERS!! Lots of screaming ensues, most of it from my own mouth. Miss J makes a guest appearance as the wicked witch from Sleeping Beauty, offering Tyra a poisoned apple, and although I'm not sure of the connection between makeovers and Sleeping Beauty, I still love Miss J. Then Prince Couture enters the scene (aka the Silver Fox aka Jay Manuel), gives Tyra a kiss, and carries Tyra off.

Now, I know they're scraping the bottom of the barrel with show ideas here, but what is up with the Sleeping Beauty theme? Every episode like a bad Halloween party. No wonder we only see Nigel at the judging table at the end of the episode and not throughout. I'm sure there's a clause in his contract about not having to wear a costume. Although, Nigel as the Prince would not be the worst thing in the world to see. I'm just sayin'.

Next day: MAKEOVERS.

The makeovers are a secret to everyone: the J's, Tyra, even the girls. Exciting. The mirrors are covered in black cloth. Is this the connection to Sleeping Beauty? Weak. However, I do love makeovers. Love them.

What follows is the usual montage of girls screaming, girls crying, hair being cut, hair being coloured, Tyra making an appearance as some golden witch in the corner of the screen, and so on.

The verdict:

Marj as a brunette is an improvement. Enough with the accordion playing when Marj is on the screen, though, enough!

Joslyn with extensions and wave (same colour, though) is also an improvement. I'm already annoyed by Tyra's breathy high-pitched 'witch' voice.

Samantha gets a blond Posh Spice haircut. Not sure if I like it yet or not, but she did take a good picture.

Hannah. Oh Hannah. You can take the girl out of Alaska, but you can't take the Alaska out of the girl. Bob with bangs for Hannah, no surprise there.

Clark looks better as a brunette, but no worries, she's still got the flare in her nostrils.

Lauren gets the least madeover, in my opinion. Choppy cut, platinum colour. Yawn. Next!

Sheena also barely gets a makeover, just some honey highlights. Tyra really needs to stop talking, at this point. The voiceovers are killing me.

Analeigh gets a slightly blonder look, the kind of blond I'd like to be. You know, if I make it on the 12th cycle of ANTM and all.

Elina takes herself way too seriously and gets a weave with red, long, curly hair. Um. She's unhappy, but I kind of like it.

McKey now has black short hair. Looks good.

Isis gets a long weave but it's the same colour. A bit boring.

Brittany suffers from 'catalogue syndrome' so gets long hair. At this point, I decide that I might have to get a weave and start googling to see how much it would cost me.

Back at the house, Tyra Mail:

Sometimes even Top Models have to work the late shift. Love, Tyra (as read by McKey I think, although it might have been Isis).

The girls take off in the bus, in the dark, and head to the nearest Wal-Mart Supercenter. Good lord, what are we in for now? Wear this blue vest (or one of the ever elusive red Wal-Mart vests) and make it look fierce? Pose with the yellow happy face and work the camera? Acutally, it's our 'reaching out to the average girl who buys cover girl at walmart' shoot. We get to meet Nigel's wife (and see a picture of their baby). The challenge: slap on some cover girl and record a 30-second spot, sans script. Fun.

All the girls do fairly well, except Analeigh, Brittany, Elina, and Marj. Example: Marj says Walgreens. Analeigh says Yo. Elina says nothing. The winner: Hannah Banana. Hannah's so excited, she's going to google herself.

Back at the house, Tyra Mail:

Which one of you is suited to be America's Next Top Model? Love, Tyra (as read by Samantha).

The next day, the girls take off in the bus and go to Nigel's beachfront house (okay, maybe not Nigel's but a girl can dream, no?) and learn that the challenge is a swimsuit challenge. Everyone gets hair and makeup and puts on a bikini and takes her turn with the photographer. All the girls seem to do alright, although Analeigh is struggling. Analeigh is getting a lot of airtime tonight, so much so that it's making me wonder if she's going to make it. She'll be in the bottom two for sure. Should I talk about Isis? Yes. I guess I should. She wore boy shorts for her swimsuit. And did pose with her legs...ahem...open. There, I said it. How could I not?

Up next: the judging panel with the usual compliments and criticism. My favourite pictures are Elina's, Samantha's and...dare I say it...McKey's. The judges deliberate and we end up with:

Elina
Lauren Brie Cheese
Samantha
McKey
Sheena
Joslyn
Marj
Clark
Isis
Hannah
Analeigh

Brittany heads home.

Next week: Miss J hits the bowling alley with the girls.

Hopefully we'll get a bit more drama next week. So far, it's been a little dry.

ANTM Cycle 11 Episode Two: Alaskan girls do it with discrimination, y'all!

Kidding, of course. Poor Hannah. I couldn't decide between taking a shot at Poor Hannah in my title or celebrating the brilliance of Miss J and his lovely moniker for Sheena, Victoria Secretions. Sigh. Gotta love Miss J.

After last week's debacle of robots-meets-magic (I especially liked how one model-to-be (Marj, I think) said she liked the future theme because it reminded her of 2001: A Space Odyssey) I was a bit concerned that the whole 'future' theme might carry over into tonight's episode. But thankfully, 2001 is over, y'all, although Paulina may have missed that memo, given her ensemble at the judging table. But more on that later.

With the dismissal of Sharaun last week, we are down to 13 and our new opening montage and slightly tweaked theme song begins. We begin with a montage of Tyra, boobs shaking all over the place, giving stern directions to random and faceless photographers, and in general, kicking butt and taking names - if that don't say Fierce with a capital F, y'all, well then I don't what does.

Back in the house, we are entertained by the usual yapping, lounging, eating, and drinking from the girls. It's like a full-on slumber party, but then wait: TYRA MAIL! What have they dreamed up this season? Oh. Looks like they hired someone with powerpoint experience - we get a pic of Tyra and a powerpoint slide with lucida handwriting font (oh yeah, like I'm the only one who's heard of that) that spells out the mail. The twist this cycle? Only one girls gets to read it at a time - no reading in unison like before (boo-hoo).

So, where was I? Right, Tyra Mail:

Don't get it twisted, will you bend over backwards on the top? Love, Tyra (as read by Isis).

Quite the stumper, so the girls go to bed with visions of sugarplums and such dancing through their heads and the next day, are driven to an abandoned warehouse type place (sidebar: all the photoshoots are done at abandoned buildings, no?) where they meet up with our old friend who would no doubt be out of work without this show, Benny Ninja. Benny and the girls play around with posing, contortionism and red sheer fabrics, which in other words, means they needed to fill the hour with something, y'all, and Benny just happened to be available (quelle surprise).

Tyra Mail: Did you learn your lesson? If so, you've got this one in the bag. Love, Tyra. (as read by Joslyn)

Back at the house, the girls swim in the pool and hit the hot tub. The slumber party atmosphere continues with the girls playing truth or dare (although Sheena insists 'no nudity'), Clark kisses Elina, and then Hannah pushes Isis away from her quite abruptly. Oh oh. Trouble at the henhouse. Hannah is uncomfortable with all the action because she says, and I quote, 'small town girls aren't sexual'. Um. Hannah momentarily confesses she is just a 'stereotypical white person' and that gets quite a few of the girls excited. Throughout the evening and the next day, the girls diss (nice - I've always wanted to use that word) Hannah, accusing her of being racist, prejudice and that she is discriminating against them. Feels like a high school english class with some pretty big themes being discussed.

Commercial Break: I fast forwarded through most of the commercials, mostly because of last week's Whitney love-in and our old friend Bianca doing bra ads for Macy's (tell me I was not the only one who saw that), but still happened to catch a commercial with Whit and her family doing an NYC bus tour, and an ad for a movie starring Shirley MacLaine as, you guessed it, or not, Coco Chanel (WTF?).

Back at it: Finally, a challenge: the girls will have to use their posing prowess to pose for jewelry maven Tarina Tarantino with the top prize being a handbag full of jewelry. All the girls looked a bit ridiculous during the challenge, Sheena really hooched it up, Elina played it fairly safe, in my opinion, and won the prize.

Tyra Mail: You want to be on top? Then you better start climbing that ladder! Love, Tyra. (as read by Brittany)

Not sure how correct the grammar is in that last one, but aside from that I wish these broads would read the TM with a little more expression, the way Tyra meant it be read, with fingers snapping and head bobbing:

'Oh no you didn't just disrespect me! You wanna be on top, beeyotch? Then you'd better start climbing that ladder, y'all, and I mean now. Do it fiercely! Luv, Tyra' (as read by yours truly).

Sigh.

The girls continue to discuss discrimination and someone decides to write a 10-page double-spaced essay on the topic, in the hopes that it will impress the judges and they will be allowed to continue on in their journey towards becoming....

But then it's morning and the girls are driven off to another location, which I imagine to be the backyard of the rental home for Nigel Barker, where they are greeted by the Silver Fox and a hot air balloon. The girls learn that their challenge will involve posing from a ladder suspended from the balloon, which in reality, will be a crane five feet off the ground. Yikes, scarey!

Lauren is up first and does excellent; she'll easily win. Everyone takes their turn and it's fairly uneventful. Elina looks good, Sheena does hooch, Nikeysha is flashing the camera inadvertantly, Joslyn looks good, Clark = yawn, yadda yadda yadda....and, we're done. Thankfully, the girls leave their wild eye makeup on until they're back home.

Tyra Mail: Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 12 will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model. Love, Tyra. (as read by Elina)

At the judging panel, first of all, Nigel is in the house. Nice. Second, what is Tyra wearing? Third, seriously, what is Paulina wearing? The girls go through the usual evaluations, Nikeysha gets blasted for being too thin. Lauren looks like a broken doll (translation: she could model for Dior), and Isis looks too plain (they stop just short of saying she looks masculine. I'm just sayin'). Tyra makes sure she gives herself a pat on the back by talking about how she was shooting with the one of world's primo photographers, why, just the other day. We have to hear the same old 'french' accordion music (now who's discriminating, n'est-ce pas?) when Marj comes up to bat. Finally we get to the elimination.

Lauren wins (no surprise), followed by Elina, Joslyn, Marj, Mickey or Mckey or M'ckey, Samantha, Sheena (fake breasts and all!), Hannah, Clark, Brittany, Analeigh, and ...Isis. Nikeysha is sent home, but no worries, she's going to be an anesthesiologist. I'm a bit surprised she could pronounce that (meow), but she did. My one and only complaint so far this cycle is that during eliminations, the camera has Nigel in the background. Not that I mind Nigel, au contraire, but I did enjoy watching the boredom on Miss J's face in previous cycles as the girls were being chosen. But I can't have it all, now can I?

Next week: Makeovers!!!!