Top Five Things About The Biggest Loser, Episode One

In no particular order:

1. The return of Daniel. Hope his partner doesn't bring him down. Again. Lord knows they can't do a 'third chance' show to bring him back, so this probably is his best/last chance.
2. Abby. Oh lord, I cry just thinking about her. No sarcasm here. How will anyone ever be able to vote her off?? Probably will come down to the Youth Pastor delivering the final vote, with some motivating speech about death and life and second chances and strength and I'll have too many tears in my eyes to even be able to hear it.
3. Coach Mo. I'm worried about him lasting. Like him a lot so that usually is a sign of doom.
4. Jill and Bob tandem coaching. Is that the right expression - tandem? Anyhow, I like that they aren't coaching separate teams.
5. The only product placement I noticed was for 24 Hour Fitness. I know that the product placement will change, but for a brief moment, I'm going to enjoy it.
6. (Bonus point): Being able to watch a 2 hour show in 43 minutes. PVR is, quite possibly, the best invention yet.

Donny D

Can we talk about Don Draper? Just for a minute?

I love Mad Men. Great show. I'm a tiny bit worried that it's reached it's peak, or jumped the shark as they say, but still, I look forward to watching it every week. So far this season we've seen a slow build, to what I don't know. But the great actors, story writing, and character building keep me coming back for more.

But let's get back to the task at hand: my love-love relationship with none other than Don Draper. Let's review: He smokes like a chimney and drinks like a sailor, cheats on his wife, spends limited time with this family, and sometimes wears a constipated look on his face like it's going out of style. And yet...he's always the coolest guy in the room, gets any women he wants, loves his kids and wife, knows how to handle himself in any situation, pours a good drink, says all the right things, never a hair out of place, never flirts with the women he works with, and is smooth and intense. Loved how he walked into the meeting on last night's episode, sat down in the middle of a conversation about paper/office supplies, and promptly got up and walked the hell out without saying a word. Loved how (last season) he put Betty's brother in his place about taking care of their father. Love how Sally's teacher takes one look at Don and is head over heels for him. I could go on. I can't help but like him. Sometimes I feel like I'm 14 again, watching Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones and, dare I say it, getting a 'crush'. I wonder if there are any teens out there who look at Donny D that way or if they're too busy thinking of how they could be the girl to break one of the Jonas brothers. Sigh. A mystery for the ages.

Bachelorette, Eh? The Final Episode: The Cat Came Back, He Just Couldn't Stay Away

The scene is set. We’ve all been waiting for this night, the night of the Most.Dramatic.Finale.Ever. And I’m watching it on the big screen at a wonderful rooftop party hosted by a dear friend. I and eleven other avid fans are happily gathered around, enjoying sangrias, some gambling, and a beautiful summer evening. Of course, being the blog nerd that I am, I have taken a few sneak peeks earlier at home (thank you Monsieur PVR) but I’m excited to watch it again with the company of the other girls. Fun times. Like the Super Bowl for women. Actually, better. The only thing better would be if Chris-Bot himself showed up and crashed our viewing. But ssshh, y’all, the show is about to begin. The one thing on my mind is how will I work Jon or Kate Gosselin into my blog this week? Should be fairly easy. And oh right, the other thing on my mind is who will be the last cat standing?

First off, we are in Hawaii, where the boys are meeting Jill’s family. I wonder if they’re staying where the Gosselin’s renewed their vows? See, it’s that easy. Okay, okay, let’s get serious. Ed is up first and he meets Jill’s parents, her cousin, who’s looking to get some fame from the show (although she is gorgeous), and grandma. Grandma thinks Ed is terrifically handsome but she probably thought that of Ed McMahon. Mama Peg has a sheet of questions for Ed. If you remember, she did the same for Jason. It’s her signature style, if you will. But she doesn’t have 76 questions for Ed the way she had for Jason, only 66. I guess Ty was worth ten whole questions last time around.

Next, Papa Glen and Ed have a mock fireside chat, in which their bare feet come dangerously close to touching one another’s, which would have been magical. All I’m thinking is who the hell talks to their in-laws like this? Not Jon Gosselin, that’s for sure (So easy). I’m also thinking that Ed does not have a future in politics; that was the worst sucking up to father-in-law that I’ve ever seen. The awkward laugh and the insincere inserting of Glen’s name into the conversation just came off strange. It almost feels as though Ed is in work mode; sizing up potential clients and doing his best to be subtly persuasive. Not too over the top, just right. Just what Jill needs, I think. A nice, safe boy. Ed. Even the name, nice and safe. She has the usual post-date pow-wow with the family and they all agree that Ed is a decent guy.

Next up, Kiptyn. Sooo good looking. I continue to maintain my stance that he’s out of her league – mom totally threw her off with the tough questions - and that he’ll be the next Bachelor. I mean come on, he’s either perfect or the producers are making him look perfect, and I don’t care which one is true: he’s hot and fun and athletic and runs down the beach sans shirt enough times to make even Ed salivate. Plus he’s generous with the whole charity thing, comfortable with the family, and says all the right things. The stubble doesn’t hurt either. But back to meeting the parents: Jill gives Kiptyn relatively the same pep talk that she gave to Ed, Mama Peg asks the same questions, Glen and Grandma get their turn, and again the family agrees that he’s all around a pretty decent guy. Grandma claims that she is overwhelmed; I feel somewhat under whelmed at this point.

Then we have the final dates with the boys, with speed boating and picnicking with Kiptyn (love the surfboard scene) and swimming and a re-do of the overnight date with Ed, which leads to my first sidebar of tonight’s blog:

The Best.Editing.Ever: This is an easy one, and obvious. I guarantee that a collective groan went out at the same time during the show. You know the moment: Ed and Jillian decide to try and revive their sexual spark and head off to Ed’s place for an overnight date. As the scene of the two of them fade, the next scene is a volcano erupting. Groan indeed. Especially after their helicopter ride, where they talk about pressure building and releasing (speaking of the volcano, of course, wink wink nudge nudge). Groan again. Why not just show a quick montage of rocket ships launching and car pistons firing while we’re at it? Good lord, the boys in the editing booth must have had a field day with that one. Puhlease..

But back to reality. Before we go any further, let’s compare the boys. Warning: I’m biased. Obviously. I like Ed, I really do, but it’s just that I like Kiptyn more.

Kiptyn (about Jill): ‘She makes me better. I hope I make her better. I’d be a lucky man to be with her. We could enjoy things in life more with each other’

Ed (about Jill): ‘You could be one of my best guy friends’

Kiptyn could shave three times a day and still have the right amount of sexy stubble.

Ed has a roman haircut. Give the cat some metal body armor and some gladiator sandals and he’d be ready to roll.

Kiptyn had no problems in the boudoir.

Ed did but made up for it (cue the volcano erupting scene).

Kip likes to kayak and looks great carrying a surfboard. He can run down a beach near me anytime.

Ed wears short shorts and tank tops with green ribbon trim. He writes in a journal and stares at rocks in a pond. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Kiptyn picks out an engagement ring confidently; he runs up the staircase at Neil Lane. Neil Lane himself almost climbed over the jewelry case to maul him. Am I right, sisters?

Ed is sweaty and nervous; he has to stop for a break halfway up the staircase.

Kiptyn looks hot all the time, no matter what he’s wearing.

Ed continues to need a stylist. The green swimming shorts just won’t cut it. And I was surprised that he didn’t wear those sock suspender things when they showed him getting ready to propose to Jillian. Wow, I’m feisty tonight. Sorry, Ed fans, I don’t mean to be so harsh. Or do I?

Sidebar Number Two: The Best Commercial Ever (and a Runner-Up):

There were two commercials that I totally loved. Number one: some new Schick Quattro razor. Have you seen this crap? Their slogan is “Shave, Trim and Transform”. As if that’s not bad enough, they show a…ahem….bush….that is shaped like an inverted triangle. I kid you not. Google it. Hell, youtube it. You won’t regret it. Actually, here it is: enjoy.

Runner-up for best commercial: the upcoming previews for Cougar Town, starring Courtney Cox. I laughed, and then I realized that the viewers of the Bach were the perfect demographic for a show like that and then I realized that I was part of said demographic. Ouch. Stopped laughing and returned to blogging.

We’ve finally reached the Big Day.

After about ten minutes (probably four hours of shooting) of slow motion montages of Ed and Kiptyn looking pensive and then getting ready to get suited up, many shots of everyone leaning over the balcony (I half expected Jake or Jason to be in one of them), some quiet contemplations with a cup of coffee, and some journaling by Jill, we’re on to the proposal sequence. The only thing missing are the last minute gifts from the guys in their last bid at winning her over. Remember how Jesse Csincsak made a scrapbook and Jason Mesnick had made up that romantic board game? They showed Jill reading some handwritten notes but I expected more.

The altar is beautiful. Jillian looks beautiful. Chris-Bot is his usual self. I’m slightly nervous.

Kip is up first. He’s nervous and chatty at the altar. He reminds Jill of all the great times they’ve had together. She responds by giving him the old ‘you’re exactly what I’m looking for but in the meantime I’ve fallen for someone else’ speech. He’s quite composed during the rejection scene but she’s not. As usual, she’s a bit blubbery and worried about whether her heart will keep up. Poor Kiptyn didn’t actually pull the ring out, so thankfully he can use it next season when he’s the Bachelor. Phew. Because that was a gorgeous rock he picked out.

Up next, Ed. Wait, not Ed. A taxi pulls up and out pops a leg. This leg is wearing a suit and some mesh shoes, sort of Miami Vice style. The leg is connected to Reid. No surprise, of course, the spoilers are all over the internet. Reid tells the cab driver not to wait. Cabbie, after a moment’s hesitation says, you know what pal; I think I’ll wait; I have a feeling this won’t take too long. So Reid, with shirt untucked and casual shoes (he’s probably had about ten shots of tequila at this point), decides to stumble up the wooden aisle and propose to Jillian. Wow. Shocker. She thinks about it for a moment while Reid waits nervously at the altar. For a moment I was excited because I thought Chris-Bot might escort Ed up the altar to meet up with Reid. Perhaps the two could literally fight it out for her. But no, Jillian has a heart-to-heart with Chris-Bot and has made her decision to send Reid home. Oh, Chris-Bot, reality tv show host, former news broadcaster, relationship counselor, man-code decoder, all around cool guy, is there anything you can’t do? Overall, I thought Reid was selfish to come back this way. True, Ed came back but he left the first time voluntarily, while Reid was sent home. Anyone else have the song ‘The Cat Came Back’ in their heads right now? How about ‘They Say Love, It Don’t Come Easy’?

Finally, Ed saunters up. He proposes, she says yes. Overall, I’m a bit under whelmed and I’m wondering just how long will it be till we hear who the next Bachelor is? The clips with Jillian and Ed and how their love developed over the course of six weeks would have been a whole lot better if the song that went along with it had been our old favourite from Wes.

Would have been a much more dramatic ending if Jake had come back and proposed. Could you imagine that speech? Actually, the best ending would have been Chris-Bot himself proposing, while Reid waited anxiously at the altar and Ed arrives in limo…waiting patiently for someone to open the limo door for him.

So, what will be so shocking on tomorrow night’s After the Final Rose episode? Stay tuned...

Bachelorette, Eh? Penultimate episode: Pulling a Mesnick

Sigh. It's good to be back.  And while I generally didn't look forward to tonight's episode (as I usually don't), this one was not too shabby.  Not too shabby at all.

But first, since a lot of tonight's episode was a look back at where we've come from, I decided to go back to my first post to see what my first impression's were of the final Cats. Here goes....

Ed - One of the five additional cats.

Kiptyn - An early favourite of mine.  Good-looking. Freely admitted that he takes ketchup on his hot dog, but I'll let that slide. He doesn't know that she doesn't give a f#$% what anyone takes on their dog anymore.

And just for fun...

Wes - a guitar-playing county western singer.  That's pronounced sing-ger.  A little bit Kenny Chesney, what with the hat on backwards, but without the shirtless, barefoot, corona-drinking in Mexico lifestyle.  No shoes.  No shirt.  No service. 

Reid - I wrote his name down while watching the show, but to be honest, don't remember him.  Having said that, he'll probably be the Last.Man.Standing.

Now back to the show. While most of the show was filler and re-hash of stuff we've already seen there were a few good moments.  What I learned tonight:

Guys who play basketball with the Harlem Globetrotter's should probably stick to their day 'jobs'.  In a never-before-seen moment, we see Special K (WTF kind of nickname is that?) doles out relationship advice to Jillian.  More specifically, he tells her that Kiptyn is not the one for her, since he cheated during the game, that Mike has great hair so the best test would be to see if would cut his hair for her or not, and that Juan is a good guy.  And so is David.  Thanks, Special K, maybe just stick to whistling and spinning the ball on your fingertips or whatever.  Yowch, I'm on it tonight.

Ed is probably a lot more fun than I originally thought.  He's a fun drunk.  Love the scene where she's doing her usual talk about relationships and connections and yadda yadda yadda (really, who wouldn't tune out after awhile?) and Ed pauses, and then slurs: That was a lot of words you just threw at me there.  Gold.  The dancing in the hallway also won me over to Ed even more.   And while I'm on the topic of Ed....

Fart jokes still make me laugh.  They probably always will.  Admit it, blog reader, they make you laugh, too.  Maybe not in a group.  Maybe not at work.  But when you're at home, watching this show, with your husband/boyfriend lingering in the background, *pretending* not to be watching the show with you, you laughed when Ed farted at the Rose Ceremony, when Michael went off screen and then had his fart 'follow him back', and when Jillian pulled Chris-Bot's finger.  You might be laughing right now.  I'll admit it: they make me laugh.

Since when is Jason Mesnick the 'Most.Controversial.Man.in.America'?  I kid you not, Chris-Bot said that.  Seriously.  The sappy cat who still, as a grown adult, plays leap-frogswith his family on Sundays and knows how to run full speed, in a squat, arms open wide to hug his son, is controversial?  The cat who has a perma-snarl/nostril flare that only a mother (or Molly) could love is controversial?  Although I did like good ol' Moll as a brunette.  Don't forget to check out www.jasonsplace.com.  

Man-code.  Really, how much time was spent wasted on this topic tonight?  Too much, in my opinion.  Because Chris-Bot called it: isn't being on the Bachelorette, in and of itself, a violation of the man-code?  I totally lost interest in this part of the show, accidently hit the stop button on my PVR, and noticed that Katie Couric's hair is slowly evolving into a Kate Gosselin hairstyle.  Shudder.  Press play and I'm back to the show.  

Women will always love men like Jake but I'll never understand why.  I mean overall, Jake is a good guy.  Right?  He's got to be.  But he just, I don't know, grinds my gears.  I said it before and I'll say it again, he reminds me too much of Tom Cruise in Top Gun.  Never a hair out of place, shirt tucked in at inappropriate times, insincere chortling, too many gosh darning, saying things like 'aviation is a big part of my life', and probably calling his mom three times a day (on a bad day).  He might just be the next Bachelor. And while we're on that topic...

I wouldn't mind Kiptyn as the next Bachelor.  I'd also take Ed or break-dancing Mike. Actually, along with my husband, who lingers in the background and pretends not to watch the show, I'd really like to see Mike as the next Bach.  Does anyone have Chris-Bot's cell phone number?  I'll put in a good word or two.  I have a strange sinking feeling it might be Jake, though.  Ug.

ABC should really axe the whole lets-talk-the-audience part of these shows. They're always terrible and slightly embarrassing, especially if you're the one guy in the audience, wearing a blue shirt and khaki's picked out by your wife and who was just dragged to the show by said wife and then you're put on the spot and you give the perfect answer that totally outs you as the Biggest.Fan.Ever.

Enough has already been said about Wes.  But I'll say a little more.  Bad press is still press, my friends.  I guarantee that Wes' record sales have skyrocketed, despite his tarnished reputation.  Actually, probably because of his tarnished reputation.  The musical montage during the show was golden. You just can't go wrong with slow-motion clips of dudes playing guitars. Also, by now most of you have probably heard about Laurel being the ex-girlfriend of both Wes and Brad Womack so what more is there to say?  Maybe just this:if I'm ever in Austin, I'm hitting the Peach Body during the day, and then the Chuggin' Monkey for an all-night bender.  ABC should be selling tickets for these tours.  Better yet, it would make a great date for next season's Bachelor. Right, because Jake would really let his hair down at one of Brad Womack's bars.  

I'm calling it now: Jillian will pull a modified Mesnick at the finale.  She'll say no to Kiptyn's proposal (leaving it open for him to be the next Bach), say yes to Microsoft Ed (that joke works on a few levels, no?) and then Reid will come back and propose....leaving her to pull back on Ed and probably go for Reid.

Anybody else want to predict how the finale will go down?

Bachelorette, Eh? Where's the blog?

Hi all - Quick post to let you know that the perogy pile will be back in full swing next week! Wish I could put an out-of-office or vacation message up but sadly, I cannot.  Later, bloggers and readers.

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Seven: The Bachelorette Blues

Seriously.  What do you think Chris-Bot slipped into Jillian's drink during their tete-a-tete pre-Rose Ceremony?  Am I missing something here or was that the most ridiculous rose ceremony ever?  Plus, I'm tired of calling it a ceremony.  It's not ceremonial.  No.  From now on, it's the Rose Debacle.  Yes.  Much better.

But before I get too far ahead of myself, let me stop the frothing at the mouth and start at the very beginning.  It's a very good place to start.  Tonight...the hometown dates.

First Date Box (if there were one): A Phillies cap (you know, baseball) and a DVD of season one of Friends.  Because, seriously, could Reid be any more like Chandler Bing? So the first hometown date is in Philadelphia with Reid.  Reid is a nice enough guy, with a nice enough family (we meet mom and dad and two brothers, Brett Favre and Chad). Their family business is realty; mom would love to team up with designer Jillian.  Three memorable moments:

Jillian: Do you think I'm Reid's type?

Mom: I think you're adorable.

and

Dad (to camera): Sometimes I wish he would just make a decision on his own, but he always asks me for my opinion.

and

Sister-in-law: We usually don't see you (Reid) very affectionate...with people.

Overall impression: A lukewarm date.  They seem to get along, good family, but nothing too wild.

Date Box Two (again, ABC, get your act together with the date boxes!): A book entitled "Bros Before Hos".  This time, we're in Valencia with Mike, his twin brotherSteve, and mom and dad.  This family is FUN.  Non-stop fun, in fact.  All kidding aside, I'm liking Michael more and more all the time.   The brothers try to trick Jillian with a little twin-switch, but she doesn't take the bait.  Mom is the type that is always simultaneously nodding her head in agreement and smiling, and I like her.  Dad is serious and loving. The brother reassures Jillian that Mike wants to get married; he wants to be a good husband and father. During dinner, everyone is surprised by sister Jenna showing up from Australia; more squealing (from Mike of course) and family fun time, including dancing the night away.  

Overall impression: A fun and good date.  Still not sure about the physical chemistry between these two, but I do like Mike.

Date Box Three: A copy of Architectural Digest (do they still make that mag?), a roll of yellow 'Caution' tape, and a kick-ass mom.  That's right, we're in San Diego with Kiptyn's family and mom is a firecracker.  She's awesome.  A bit Dynasty/Dallas/Falcon Crest at first glance, but wow I like her.  But first, let's talk about the family home.  It's massive. A tad over the top.  Here we meet mom, stepdad, sis, bro and bro's gal pal.  Dad is funny with the tape around the hot tub.  Mom is smart and a hardass.  Again, I like her.  She asks Jillian an interesting question: 'what would you change about yourself to make Kip happier and you a better person?'  Then, when Jillian confesses she's always had to work for her happiness, mom interrupts by chiding her: 'You don't want to work for your happiness, that's a contradiction of terms.' Love the mom here.

Overall impression: I think Jillian might be a bit our of her league here (not with the monstrosity of the house, but with the family, she did say they were both smart AND intelligent after all), but Kiptyn is hot so no worries.  I'm sure he'll stick around.

Date Box Four: The only thing possible, a case of wine from Kovacs Winery.  Seriously, they have a web page, google it up.  And what's so different about Wes promoting his cd than Jesse showing off the winery?  Ha, ha, ha, just kidding. Or am I?

We're here in Carmel with Jesse and family and at the family winery.  Mom and dad and brother Jacob.  I think the brother is falling in love with Jillian; actually, I think Jacob and Jillian may have more chemistry than Jesse and Jillian.  Seriously.  Didn't you feel it?  If Jacob had gotten a hair cut and had applied for the show, I'm pretty sure he'd be in the final two. Honestly.  Best lines:

Jacob to Jesse: Do you love this chick? Does she want babies?

Jesse to Jacob: She's on the five-year plan.  She's my little honey boo-bear.

What. The. Hell. Kind. Of. Conversation. Was. That?  Everyone must be hammered on all the Kovacs wine, and later everyone starts jamming around a drum set.  

Overall impression: a bit weird but I still like Jesse, despite his honey boo-bear crap.

Date Box Five (Easiest one): A red bandana, a signed copy of a Wes Hayden cd, and some broken pilot's wings.

Should I even get into the whole Jake thing?  Yes, I should, but only a little.  I finally figured out who Jake reminds me of, and it's Tom Cruise.  Not Vanilla Sky Tom Cruise but Top Gun Top Cruise and sort of the Interviewed by Matt Lauer Tom Cruise.  The clean cut look, the denim shirt tucked into jeans, the insincere smile, the quick change between dead serious and laughing.  Oh yes, bonjour Tom Cruise, how I've missed you.  So, how it all goes down:  Jake is distraught: should he or shouldn't he?  I know, let's phone foot- fetish Tanner to get advice.  Tanner puts down the mango mango nail polish just long enough to tell Jake to go for it.  Jake tells Jillian that Wes has a girlfriend named Laurel. Jillian is confused.  Wes shows up.  She tries to confront him, but passive-agressive Wes tells her that he's tired of being confronted, he hates that she's asking him all these questions.  Jillian ponders and decides she still wants to meet his family.  Not his band family this time, but his 'real' family.  If I were Jillian, I would have just waited for a quiet moment at the dinner table with mom, step-mom and three sisters and say: So, who's this Laurel that Wes has been telling me about?  Best moment (and there
were many good ones):

Jillian: Somebody told me tonight that you told them on several occasions that you have a girlfriend.

Wes: Tonight? One of my guys?

Poor Jillian, I can only think of one thing to say to ease her troubled heart: They say love, it don't come eeee-zzz-ay.

Surprise Date Box: Ed.  That's right, Ed makes a surprise return and wants Jillian to reconsider.  She reconsiders.  Ed is invited back to the Rose Debacle.  Hooray.  I like Ed. Maybe because we haven't seen a lot of him, or had to meet his family, but whatever.  I like Ed.  Hope he's not the dud on the overnight date (oops, spoiler).

Rose Debacle.  Jillian has six guys but only four roses.  Suspenseful.  First rose: Chandler.  Second rose: Kiptyn.  I'm starting to sweat. Third Rose: Ed.  Hooray!  Chris-Bot surfaces: Gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose.  Fourth Rose: Wes.  WOW. Goodbye Mike and goodbye Jesse.  I like Jesse's exit, not one word spoken to her, just a brief hug and he gets the hell out of there.  Not one word to Jillian.  Poor Mike, he's heartbroken.  I've come to the conclusion that the problem wasn't that he was too young for her but that she was too old for him.  Now I know what you're thinking: that's kind of the same thing.  But it's kind of not.  How could you not like a guy who said there were 'a hundred thousand small things that made me fall for her'?  Meanwhile, in a hotel in Austin, Jake is hunched over a toilet, puking.  Thankfully Tanner is only a phone call away.

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Six: Tanner and his big package.

I went there.  With Tanner and all.  But before I do...

The one thing I'll say about Jon & Kate is that the cats at Crooked Houses or whatever that company is called have got to be toasting to their damn good fortune right about now because I'm sure their business will increase by at least 500% after tonight's over-hyped episode. Speaking of, just typing the words 'Jon & Kate are separated and/or filing for divorce' will probably increase traffic to my blog by at least 500% tonight.  Suck on that, Tanner P!  Woot woot!  

And now, The Bachelorette.  A few thoughts.  First, the dates are becoming boring.  Sure, they're in spectacular settings and whatnot, but I find myself not really caring too much about them. The conversations seem the same on each date, the same snuggling on the couch/beside the fire/on the sculpted ice bench, the same awkward stumbling by Jill when one of the guy's ask her a 'tough' question, the same ruminating about 'will your family like me' and so on.  

Second, what's up with all the Canadian sightseeing?  Enough with all the boost to tourism in BC and Alberta.  You'd never guess that the 2010 Winter Olympics are just around the corner.  Makes me wonder what kind of Olympic coverage ABC will have .  Not enough to do some research (by that I mean google), but still.  

Third, the one-on-one dates didn't do it for me tonight.  Usually I develop a crush by the first commercial break during these dates but not tonight.  Robby?  Maybe a little but only for the bartending abilities.  Reid?  No.

Fourth (oh yeah, I'm all over the numbering), I like Jillian but the lighting on this show is not working for her.  She looks different every time there's a different camera angle or lighting change.  All I can think about is that Seinfeld episode...you know the one.

Fifth, I miss Brad Womack.  And Graham Bunn.  Even Jason Mesnick and his damn leap-frogging family. I already miss Ed, and Mike (the other, non-break dancing Mike), and even David.

Finally, why do the previews for this show always look better than the actual episode? Obviously a rhetorical question since the answer is 'editing' (duh), but I could just watch 15 minutes worth of clips from the season, followed by a 15 minute proposal sequence, and I'd probably froth at the mouth about what a brilliant show it is.  But in the meantime....

Let's review the cats:

Tanner P has the greatest lines, the editors must love him.  He's never been to Canada and he's never been on a train so he's had two great experiences he would have never had if not for the show.  What a jackass.  Tanner thinks he'll get close to Jill's feet by helping her put her red snowshoes on.  Again, a jackass.  Later, he rates her feet as 9 to 9 1/2 and would have put them at a 10 if she had painted her nails 'mango mango'.  What the ?  Finally, he wants a hometown date so badly he decides to drop his pants to show off his package.  What a shame and surprise (not) that he didn't get a rose.  

Poor Robby didn't stand a chance.  A sweet, footloose and fancy-free kind of guy, his one mistake was not being ready to start a family and being 'between jobs'.  Although that got somehow translated into being 'too young'.  The whole getting-dropped-off at the train station was a bit much, though. Especially with him standing there with his bags as the train blew past him.  I hope he was thinking what a lucky bastard he was to be off the Rocky Mountaineer.

Jake is a tough one to figure out.  I like him and yet I can't stand him.  How is that possible?  Maybe his smooth talking?  Maybe his insincere laugh? He's certainly proving he can hold a grudge.  I look forward to seeing more of Jake in his Halloween costume turned uniform and to watch him barking into the phone at Chris-Bot.  

Reid is a definite no thanks for me. If I were on a date with him, I'd put on a blond wig, and then I'd take ten pounds of uncooked meat and stuff that fondue pot as full as possible; let it simmer for only a second or two before slurping up the meat.  Then I'd pull out a tray of pineapple chunks and strawberries and fill up the oily fondue pot with chocolate and make him suck it back.  Okay, even that grosses me out a little.  But also makes me crave chocolate fondue.  Yum.

Wes is a guy you have to hate and kind of respect at the same time. If I had to rank him on a scale with all the Bachelors plotted on it, he'd rank somewhere by Graham Bunn , I think.  Someday I'll publish that scale, dear reader, wait for it.  All I know is Brad Womack would be on one end, and Jason Mesnick and that firefighter dude who married Trista would be on the other end. Andrew Firestone would probably be in the middle. Graham and Wes would be on the Womack side, but just barely. Imagine it, y'all, a Bachelor Scale. And yes, I'm a nerd, deal with it.  But back to Wes. Granted, he's obviously there for the publicity (www.weshayden.com) but he never really denies that. Makes me wonder if this stint on the show will do good things for his music career or not.  

Michael comes on a little too strong and a little too fast and that, mixed with zero physical chemistry, puts him on thin ice, I think.  He needs to relax a little on the hometown date but that's likely impossible, so he'll probably get the axe next week.

Who else are we left with?  Oh right, my favourite cats: Jesse and Kiptyn.  Seriously are any of the other guys even close to coming out ahead of these two?

So we're down to five for the hometown dates: Kiptyn, Reid, Jesse, Wes, and Michael. And, true to spirit (what an odd expression that is), the previews look better than the show might actually be.  I predict that Jake will be the one who joins the cats at an upcoming Rose Ceremony, that Kiptyn has a cool dad (come on, the tape around the hot tub?), that Wes has no family, just 'his band', and that Jesse will be the dud in the boudoir, clearing the road for a Kiptyn-Reid finale, only to be spoiled by the surprise appearance by Ed (that's right, Ed) and Jillian will be too flustered to accept a proposal from anyone. And we'll be back at square one.  With an announc
ement that Kiptyn will be the next Bachelor and an appearance by Jillian on the next cover of People magazine.  At which point I'll curse the show, and myself for watching said show, and then begin a countdown to the start of the next season.  Phew!  I need a whiskey sour, y'all!  

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Five: Tiptoe Through the Tulips

And then there were ten.  Great episode tonight, no?  And an even better preview for the rest of the season.  But we'll get to that later.  I think, since tonight's episode featured ten cats, that it's time to chat about each one.  Please weigh in with your own thoughts and to place your bets now for last cat standing.

In order of roses....

Michael.  Michael got tonight's first date card (Come Fly With Me, which made me think of Air Canada for some reason...is that an old slogan?).  Their date involved ziplining around Whistler (not the town, although that would be cool: ziplining from hotel to hotel above the crowds of people) and a champagne tasting.  The date went well - lots of fun balances with serious conversation - and Michael got a rose.  Despite my best intentions, I am really liking this cat.  He seems the most sincere and he's really growing on me. Granted, he's a bit goofy, but in a good way.  His best line tonight (to profess how much he likes Jillian): 'I could sit in a room with her and just eat spaghetti'.  Huh? 

Ed.  I think I liked Ed right from the start.  Let me put it out there by saying I respect and like Ed even more now.  That's right.  I think he made the right move by leaving the show. Whether it was truly for work reasons, I don't know or care.  I hope it doesn't come out later that he left because he's the one with the girlfriend and he used work as an excuse to wimp out and leave.  And I'm wondering if he gave her a good ole 'call me when the cat you pick at the end doesn't work out' line.  Because that is an article I wouldn't mind reading in People or US five months from now: Ed leaves the show only to reunite with Jill later. Golden.

Jesse.  My latest pick for Last Cat Standing, even though he's got a Chris O'Donnell look going on, and I keep thinking of that movie The Bachelor whenever I see him.  You know the one - where Chris O'Donnell leaves Renee Zellweger and they later reunite, I think. Everytime Chris thinks of marriage there are a crapload of horses chasing him.  If you've never seen the movie you're undoubtedly shaking your head right now, thinking I've lost it.  And you might be right.  But I do like Jesse.  Their date was fantastic - gorgeous views of the mountains from the ski plane.  The glacier part was a bit weak, but the dinner/drinks apres was quite lovely and romantic.  He was a bit evasive when she asked him whether it was too soon to get into another relationship, but I still think he'll be the Last Cat.

Reid.  This one was a bit of shocker.  I really thought he might get the axe.  And I really am starting to think he's got a secret in the form of a girlfriend.  There was something about his reaction when she asked him which guy has that girlfriend that I did not like. And he never really answered her, did he?  Just joked around?  Hmmmm....

Kiptyn.  Still a dark horse, but they do seem to have chemistry.  And you can't beat that stubble.  I've read a few internet spoilers that suggest Kiptyn might just stick around to place second or third and then 'become' the next Bachelor.  Wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, methinks, although we haven't learned enough about him yet.

Robby.  Fair choice for a rose, especially with his cute helmet head from snowmobiling. Not sure about him in the long run, but he's cute and charming.  We'll see how far he goes.

Jake.  My original choice for last cat standing but we're not seeing enough of him.  Who knows what the editing is doing but I still think he'll get far.

Tanner.  Another shocker.  Every time we saw him, he had that perma-fear look plastered on his face.  And all this time in Whistler - heavy wool socks and big winter boots - must be killing him and his fetish.

Wes.  Wes is probably one of those guys who the editors love: he says just enough crap to make him look like a jerk but who knows what he's really like behind the scenes. Regardless of his obvious publicity stunts, I don't think he has a girlfriend.  Not one that would let him wear that god-awful denim shirt with the red bandana patches anyhow. Kenny Chesney would never wear a shirt like that, I tell you.  He wouldn't wear a shirt at all, actually. And let me help him out here and end the mystery:  www.weshayden.com That's right y'all, his cd is available now.  They say love, it don't come eeeeeezzz-ay.

Mark.  No rose for Mark, but that's no surprise.  I'm still left wondering who the heck he is.  And I'm still missing Mike (who got the boot last time).  I did like Mike.  Sigh.

Coming up in the season:  Erectile Dysfunction Rears Its Ugly Head.  I kid you not, looks like someone can't perform during the overnight dates.  I can hardly wait to see Chris-Bot talk to Jillian about that one. Say goodbye to the poker face, Chris-Bot. My first guess on who the poor unfortunate cat is who..ahem...can't perform was Tanner, but I'm having a hard time believing he even makes it to the overnight dates...

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Four: The Filler Episode...or...Hurry, Hurry Hard!

Hey Y'all.  A couple of things before we get to the meat: 

First, in every season, I find there is an episode or two that doesn't have a lot of drama and not a lot of fun.  It's a bit of a turning point, where the cats start talking more seriously, using words and phrases like 'vulnerable', 'I need some reassurance', 'I really feel like we're making a connection', and the like.  Some talk about past relationships and what they want for their future.  It's a necessary episode but it's a bit dry.  Tonight was one of those episodes.  Thankfully, the show kept getting interrupted by tornado warnings so I suppose that counts for drama.

Second, I live in Vancouver.  So naturally, I could write a whole blog about various places we saw on tonight's episode.  Examples:  I've used the bathroom at the Fairmont Hotel (true).  I shop pretty much everyday at the Granville Island Public Market (true - except weekends fire me up because there are too many tourists taking pictures of food displays when all I want is a slab of ribs from Armando's). I've only curled one season of my life and it was at the Marpole Curling Club (true - and although I'm not a great curler I could singlehandedly wipe (or sweep I suppose) all of those cats off the map.  That was some bad curling).  But that's enough of the Vancouver frothing.  Let's recap the show:

At the start, Chris-Bot explains that the boys are moving out of the bunkhouse or roadhouse or craphouse or whatever they call it and are going to Vancouver, Jillian's hometown.  They're excited, especially Jesse, who finally has a reason to wear that pink Vancouver BC t-shirt his grandma bought him ten years ago and that he's finally grown into.

The first date card arrives (Note: I would have had a Date Box with a stuffed pigeon and a map of Granville Island.  But that's just me).  Turns out Kiptyn gets to 'Cook Up Some Love, Vancouver Style' with Jillian.  Now, I said this last week, but I'll say it again this week.  I generally fall for the cat who gets the one-on-one and this week is no exception. In fact, by the end of the episode tonight (particularly during the Rose Ceremony) I found myself wishing that Kiptyn would just fork over a diamond ring already, so the ridiculousness might end.  Kiptyn and Jillian have a nice date - kayaking, shopping for food at a public market, feeding some pigeons, making dinner at her place, serious chat, yadda yadda yadda, and he gets a rose. 

Back at the hotel, the second date card arrives (Note: This date box would be easy: a slider.  Or a broom. If you don't know what I'm talking about, congratulate yourself. You've obviously never curled before.)  This date is a group date with Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Ed, Michael, Reid, Juan and David. They go curling and everyone is terrible.  Terrible.  Wow it's uncomfortable.  Curlers around the world are cringing at the damage being done to the ice. The cats split into two teams and the winning team throws one good rock and wins.  Actually, it's not even one good rock.  The winning team throws one rock that stays in play so they win. Jesse eventually gets the rose. 

The third date card is for Mark and Mike.  Throughout this whole date (which involved a helicopter ride, a gondola ride, and dinner atop Grouse Mountain), all I could think was: Who the f*$& is Mark?  Seriously.  Have you seen this cat before tonight, because I don't remember him.  He's a pizza entrepreneur.  Um.  What?  Does that mean that when he picks up Jillian in his old beat-up car it will have a Domino's pizza sign on the top?  Cuz that would be hot, y'all.  But seriously, Mark gets the rose over Mike?  Who the f*$& is this cat? 

Up next: The.Most.Ridiculous.Cocktail.Party.Ever.  First, I think Juan called Jillian Jilly. Jilly. The guys continue to hate on Wes.  This might be the first episode where we don't hear Wes strum his guitar and sing his tune, but I guarantee that as you read this line you can hear it in your mind.  They say love, it don't come easy.  You're welcome.  The cat formerly known as Tanner P lays it out for Jillian and tells her that there are guys here who aren't in for the right reasons; some may even have a girlfriend back home.  Drama ensues.  Jillian cuts the party short: 'We're not having a party anymore.  See you at the Rose Ceremony'.  Chris-Bot has to come back from his coffee break early and he's excited.  Together, Chris-Bot and Jillian will get to the bottom of this drama: who is the cat with the girlfriend?  Is it Wes?  None of the guys will name names.  There's some awkwardness and clever editing and this is when I start wishing Kiptyn (or maybe Jesse, if he lost the golf cap) would just get a ring out and be done with it.

In the end, the roses go to: Reid, Robby, Ed, Michael, Wes, Jake and Tanner.  Which means that Juan and David are out.  Juan doesn't seem too upset and mentions that he's not the one with the girlfriend. David seems a bit more embarrassed to be rejected in front of the guys than to be actually going home without a rose (or Jillian).  Thankfully he's too drunk to really be too worried.

Next week: Whistler!!  And some shocking heartbreak for Jillian.  We may just find out who has the girlfriend.  Or maybe Jason will be back.  Or Brad Womack. Whatever it is, I hope there's more drama next week!

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Three: Still Searching For That Mythical Unicorn

Let me just preface tonight's post by talking about next week's episode.  I promise not to froth at the mouth TOO much but next week she's taking the boys to Vancouver, which is where I live.  Too bad the show isn't taped live because you just know I'd be out stalking all the local tourist places, just hoping for a *chance* encounter.  Sigh.

Also, I've started a new drinking game.  Each time David swears = one whiskey sour. I'm hammered right now.  Almost as hammered as David was at the Rose Ceremony.  But I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual.

Tonight's highlights:

One Thing I Would Add To The Show:  Have you ever watched America's Next Top Model? Who am I kidding, of course you have.  You know how when one of the model hopefuls is eliminated, they fade away from the model montage.  I would totally add that to this show.  Instead of Jillian standing and pondering in front of framed 8x10's of these cats, let's get Nigel Barker to do a group shot, and then every week she can ponder over that picture, and the guys who don't get roses would just fade away.  On that note, how about some makeovers?

Jilloquialism of the Night: Popped Your Helicopter Cherry.  The first time I typed that it came out as Pooped Your Helicopter Cherry. Not sure which I like better.

Hot Dog References: None.  Although David did mention that he was used to being the Top Dog.  Close. Has David sworn lately?  Down goes another whiskey sour. Tart.

Song Most Likely to Stick In Your Head:  Oh you know the one I'm talking about.  They say love, it don't come eeee-zzzy.  An alternate title for this blurb could have been: Person Most Likely to End Up in the JC Penney/American Living Ads.  Can we talk about Wes for a minute? I'm a bit tired of the guitar gig.  Enough already.  Release your damn tune and get on with it.  Also, he's a bit possessive, no?  Jill makes the observation (to the camera) that Wes already thinks that she belongs to him; she thinks it's sweet that he's a little jealous.  Fast forward a year or two and that's exactly what she'll be complaining to her friends about but she won't think it's so sweet.  Also, the whole serenade outside her window bit? It would have been so much better if Robby or Ed came out, wrapped only in a towel and told Wes to shut the * up.  

Cat Most Likely to Star in the Real World Version of Brokeback Mountain: Juan.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it could help explain some of the crazy tension/conflict between David and Juan. For all I know, he'll probably be the Last Cat Standing.

Dark Horse #1:  Ed.  Let me first confess that I generally fall in love with each Cat after each one-on-one date, and Ed is no exception.  The craziness of rappelling down a skyscraper after a helicopter ride, swimming in the pool, and dinner back on top of said skyscraper is just a great date.  He's a bit of a workaholic and has just the right dose of shyness/dorkiness but also a great pair of shoes and the ability to make fun of himself. Wow, I'm showing my girl colours here, but I'm hoping that Ed makes it far.

Dark Horse #2: Kiptyn.  I don't think we've seen his full potential yet. But we will.

Best Interpretation of Being 'Thrown Under the Bus': How ironic was it that Sasha, who was in a crazy truck accident when he was 18 (just about died), had the date where they went to a car museum, drove a super hot Ferrari, and then got sent home on a city bus. Isn't it ironic?  Now I have a different song in my head - take that Wesley Chesney! But back to this date.  I did like Sasha and I thought it was unfortunate that he didn't get a rose.  But he did seem a tad too serious and I could see how Jillian would feel the pressure to live up to his expectations.  Maybe.  But when you see who she kept around, it makes you wonder...

Worst Editing: Tsk, tsk, ABC.  I'm sure you all saw it.  When Jillian addresses all the cats at the Rose Ceremony before forking out the roses, the camera flashes on Reid where, plain as day, a rose gently resides on his lapel.  Tsk, tsk, indeed.

Date Boxes Cards: The first date card, for Ed, 'Love Can Be Dangerous', should have been a barf bag because that's what I would have needed after landing on top of that building and learning how we were about to get down to the ground.  The second (group date), 'Show me the Good, the Bad and the Ugly', should have been a guest appearance by Clint Eastwood, giving the cats a little pep talk before the date.  And the third date card for Sasha, 'Can You Handle My Curves', could have been a toy pickup truck, although that may have given him flashbacks, or perhaps a bus pass.  Yikes.  

The artist formerly known as Tanner P: Thankfully we can now call him Tanner without the P.  For most of tonight's episode I wasn't sure who Tanner F was, but I suspected he was the somewhat Russian looking Cat and I was right.  But Tanner P got a rose and Tanner F did not, so need to worry anymore.  I like Tanner P.  Not in a Brad Womack kind of way, but he is an entertaining guy.  The foot fetish thing, the Flinstones outfit, the mint green v-neck t-shirt, but most of all his admission of having 'no skills....I'm not here for an agenda...I'm just a simple guy from Dallas and I'm here to suck on some toes and I'm here to meet me some Jillian'.  I hope he sticks around.

Drama-rama (not really): I feel I should address the whole David-Juan conflict but I don't really care.  I suspect most dudes have had confrontational conversations with other dudes like this, and the only part I really enjoyed was after David frothed at the mouth and stormed off leaving Juan slightly dumbfo
unded, was Robby looking at him and saying quietly 'I totally 100% agree with David, but we can talk about that later', clinking Juan's glass and walking off quietly. Gold.  Robby's stock just went up about 200% after that one.

So who stays and who goes:  Ed, Robby, Jake, Reid, Mark, Jesse, Tanner P, Wes, Juan, Michael, Kiptyn, Mike and David stay.  Which leaves Tanner F and Brad who are sent home.