The Bachelor Sleepless in Seattle Episode Two: Once You're Kraut, You're Out

I’m already annoyed that this is a 2-hour show.  But, similar to the Biggest Loser, most of the two hours is made up of recaps and teasers for what’s coming up next.  The actual ‘content’ is probably an hour at most.  I once again thank the people who invented PVR and the person who convinced me to get one because it pays for itself quite literally every week during reality TV season.  Which, by the way, is year-round.  Hooray!

 

So, the typical second episode of the Bachelor is a bit dry, so let’s get right to it.  Plus I’ve got some old magazines to go through and cut up for my Bachelor Vision Board, which I hope to reveal at some point, so no time to waste.  Well, just two hours watching the show and some more time to blog about it, but whatever.  I’m way off the map now.  Focus!

 

We start by learning that Ty is already leaving to go back to mom.  Not sure what happened to the au pair Larry, but Ty’s vacay is over.

 

The girls pull up in a stretch SUV and check into the house.  I’m not sure why they’re so excited because I always thought that their bachelorette pad is the same house as where they just had, like the night before, the cocktail party and first Rose Ceremony.  Am I missing something?

 

Chris-Bot comes in to explain the rules and I’m once again stunned that the girls are stunned to learn that there will be both one-on-one-dates and group dates.  However, a new twist: not all the girls will get a date each week.  That’s gold. 

 

Up next, everyone’s hanging out by the pool and J-Cat shows up unexpectedly.  None of the girls are mentally or physically prepared for this surprise drop-in, but they do okay.  Thankfully they all have their best bikinis on.  Phew.  J-Cat decides to head into the pool as well, but first he needs to linger by the side, slowly taking his shirt off.  The slowness of the shirt removal is of course compounded by the slow-motion camera work, as well as the awful music that goes along with the slow motion scene, kind of like music we heard when Jesse and DeAnna rode down the beach on horseback.  Talk about trying to drum up drama on an otherwise fairly predictable episode.  Just get the damn shirt off and get in the pool.

 

Jason and Jillian once again flirt over ketchup and mustard.  I like her.  I like this angle she has about the hot dog thing.  But she has got to get a new trick and fast. We had better not hear about the hot dogs again, I’m thinking, if she wants to stick around.

 

Next, the girls and J-Cat play pool volleyball until Shannon pulls out the suntan lotion and starts giving him the rub down.  They continue to chat.  Well, Shannon starts chatting and Jason just sits there with his usual Cheshire cat grin and it’s hard to tell if he’s freaked out by her or enjoying the attention.  Probably the latter.  The one thing I’m not enjoying about their boring conversation is that I’m pretty sure that anytime the topic of conversation is how about how much you think you’d have in common with each other without actually talking about said things, you probably don’t have anything in common.  I don’t know what’s going to happen when Shannon gets to the bottom of her Jason Knowledge Pool and has to talk about something other than him or his family, but it can’t be long now.  Probably not next week, but the week after.  Of course, the proposal is not long after that, so she can hang on I’m sure.

 

Up next, a twist that Chris-Bot forgot to tell me about before they started filming.  NO MORE DATE BOXES.  I am not impressed, for as you know, if you had read any blog of mine before, I am a BIG fan of the date boxes.  But I suppose given the current economic climate in the US, date boxes would just be seen as a superfluous waste, so they are gone.  Tough cuts at ABC, that’s for sure.  Instead, we have letters, so stealing from another of my favourite shows, I will now dub these J-Mail (if they come from J-Cat) or C-Mail (if they come from Chris-Bot).  I’m sure you can follow my logic.  So:

 

C-Mail!

 

A rose and a letter arrive from Chris-Bot:

 

‘Please give this rose to the person you want to spend a special night with.  Luvvv, Chris.’ 

 

I guess Chris is too hammered on Moet & Chandon to make an appearance; he sent the letter instead.  I know I’d be sucking back the Moet, too, if I were Chris.  So…someone gets a rose, meaning they’re ‘safe’ for another week and also gets a special date.  The mood changes quite abruptly after the rose.  Or, more likely, the editing makes it look like a dramatic mood swing has happened.  Everyone’s on edge, girls are interrupting the one-on-one time, and talking about each other until finally J-Cat gives the rose to Jillian (he must be having some meat sweats).  Meanwhile, Natalie starts to cry; Raquel comforts her.  Ice cubes are being thrown around, Stephanie is trying to serve up drinks and no one is frolicking carefree in the pool anymore.

 

Disney Hall and Robin Thicke

 

You wouldn’t think, by reading that title, that it’s going to be a very good date, but J-Cat and Jillian seem to have a great time.  They have a private concert with Robin Thicke (nice Canadian tie-in, producers), enjoy chocolate dipped strawberries and champagne, share an awkward fast dance followed by some slow dancing and kissing.  Quite a bit of kissing, actually.  Robin Thicke moves in closer and tries to get in on the action, but it’s not to be.

 

 

 

 

 

Back at the house…J-Mail!

 

‘Melissa, let’s take our relationship to new heights.  Luvvvv, Jason’

 

The girls are jealous of Melissa.  I’m steamed because I wanted a date box. In hindsight, the date box could have included a magic 8 ball, perhaps an oyster shell, a deflated balloon maybe.  Something.  Anything, really.

 

Picnic on the Beach and Blimps

 

Before their date, we learn that Melissa is nervous because she’s only really been in one long relationship (from the age of 15 to 22), so hasn’t really dated a lot.  Her and Jason stroll down a rocky beach until they happen along a conveniently set up bistro set and Jason feeds her oysters.  She shares her goals in life: to get a teaching certificate to be able to teach first graders and to take summers off to play with her kids.  Jason is relieved that there’s more to her than just her cheerleading stint.  They soon move to sit closer to the water and then notice a Goodyear Blimp is flying by in the sky. And, wait, what’s this: a message on the blimp?

 

Blimp (demanding):  Ask a question

Melissa: Will I get a rose?

Blimp (scoffs): Too early to tell

Melissa: Will I get a kiss?

Blimp (rolling eyes): Signs point to yes

 

So they kiss, with weird body angles and such.  If you saw the episode, you’ll know what I mean.

 

Blimp (impatiently): Want to go for a ride?

 

Thankfully, the blimp is talking about going for a ride on said blimp and not on anything or anyone else.  I just realize that I’ve probably never used the word blimp so much as I just have.  Blimp, blimp, blimp.  So J-Cat and Melissa get a sunset view of LA from the blimp, and it’s quite romantic.  The rose is forked over and there is more kissing.  Jason comments about what a good kisser she is.  I’m not sure whether to groan or sigh.

 

Back at the house, the doorbell rings:

 

J-Mail!

 

‘Dear Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, Lauren, Karri, Sharon and Molly.  Let’s put the glam into Hollywood glamour.  Luvvv…Jason’

 

How boring and unoriginal.  I don’t even really get it.  Let’s put the glam in glamour?  What?  Why not ‘Let’s put in the Wood in Hollywood?’  Now that would be a Brad Womack kind of date.

 

A Date in Seven Easy Steps, That Crashes at Step Four.  Maybe Even At Step One.

 

Step One: Pick up eight girls and take them to some shop in LA; let them pick out dresses and watch as they squeal delightfully.  Make sure that you are wearing your best Jesse Csincsak outfit; namely a t-shirt, crap vest, jeans, and converse shoes.  I’m surprised he didn’t put on a dorky hat and loosely knotted tie, just to complete his ‘look’.

 

Step Two: Take your harem to a private patio at a boutique hotel (Le Petit), where the girls ‘ooh’ over the patio lanterns, pool, city view, champagne, and fur blankets.

 

Step Three: Bikini time

 

Step Four: Suggest having a talent show.  That’s right.  A Talent Show.  Jason starts it up by breakdancing.  You know this is a routine that he either practices in front of the mirror or in front of Ty.  Weak.  Up next, Karri, Molly and Sharon do a synchronized swimming routine.  Hot.  Then Molly decides to share her secret talent with Jason and drags him off to give him a kiss underneath a fur blanket.

 

From here the date dissolves into jealousy and kissing and backstabbing and the usual craziness.  I’m not totally sure, but I think that Naomi is one pair of pink knee-highs and matching feather boa away from being on that Pussycat Dolls show.  Check her out.

 

Step Five: Take the girls back to the house and escort them inside.

Step Six: Get back into limo and pretend not to be surprised that Raquel, the Brazilian chick has slipped into the limo while you weren’t looking and just wants to talk.  Not too scary.  She’s just looking for a guy that will marry her, and if she dies, he won’t get remarried.  Nope.  Not too scary at all.

 

Step Seven: Get the hell out of there as fast as possible.

 

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

 

Quick recaps:

 

• 
  
  Erica confesses to Jason that she didn’t like the group date.  We viewers know that it’s because her last relationship ended with her man cheating on her.  Also we know that the man was 52 years old and he probably ‘cheated’ on her with his own wife.


• 
  
  Lauren (who is my early favourite pick) needs more of a two-way street.  Jason thinks she needs a lot of reassurance but as I said, she’s my early favourite, so I’m leaving that alone.


• 
  
  Shannon continues to tell J-Cat all about his family and everything she knows about him.  He continues to grin like an idiot and not ask her anything about herself.  Maybe he doesn’t know what a ‘two way street’ is.


• 
  
  Stephanie and Megan connect with each other about being moms.  And about being over 40 but lying about it.  Just kidding, I like Stephanie actually.  I didn’t think I would but she’s growing on me a little bit.  Megan is a no for me.


• 
  
  Lisa decides to go home because her grandma is quite ill and has realized how stupid this show is when faced with real life.  Well, she may not have said it that way, but really, that’s what she means.


• 
  
  Megan finally gets one-on-one time and is a bit uptight. But it doesn’t last long because Molly interrupts.


• 
  
  Erica and Megan begin fighting, first of all because Erica is a bit drunk and a lot two-faced and Megan is equal parts smug and bitter.  Nice mix for a fight.


• 
  
  Nikki and Jason chat.  Jason tells Nikki and her low-cut dress that ‘You’ve got amazing qualities.  And they’re obvious’.  Nice camera work at this point.

 

Finally, the Ceremony begins.  I like how I capitalize Ceremony.  Hilarious, the seriousness of it all.  Since Lisa has already departed, only two will be eliminated during this Ceremony.  Roses go to: Jillian, Melissa, Molly, Megan, Nikki, Lauren, Naomi, Stephanie, Karri, Natalie, Shannon and Erica.  Poor Raquel and Sharon, who are sent home, one for sneaking into the limo to catch J-Cat off guard and the other for quitting her job to come on the show.  Tsk, tsk, ladies, those were bad moves.