Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Two: How Many Rosmos Does it Take to Get Jillian Drunk Enough to Show Off Feet?

Twenty Cats stand before us, on their
journey to become America's Next...wait a minute. Let me back up. Oh right,  The Bachelorette.  Okay. Let's go. At
the start of tonight's episode, Jill is lounging poolside, sipping
champagne and OJ (nice) while the Cats move into the Bunkhouse. No,
there are no bunk beds as I had originally imagined, but it's still a bit
sketchy. Chris-Bot comes in to explain 'the rules' to the guys: roses, dates, living with Jillian, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not really
paying attention since I already know the rules (duh) and I'm too busy
trying to remember some of these guys. Their names are escaping me
for the most part, and I'm thinking that they're looking like more of
a hockey team than I remember.

Let's break down tonight's episode a
little differently.

Best Quotes of the Night:

Michael (breakdancer): 'I peed just a
little in my bathing suit.' Hot.

Jillian to Wes: 'Tonight, when you and
....Brad....came down the stairs.' Love how she just about forgot
Brad's name.

Random Cat (off screen): 'He's been
rosed' while watching Jill and Wes's date on TV.

Tanner P: 'One of my primary goals
tonight is that Jillian is wearing open-toed shoes'. Wow. First of
all, the foot fetish thing. Not cool. Secondly, how is Jillian wearing
open-toed shoes a 'goal'? Wow, I'm so particular.

Hot Dog References: None. Hooray!

One Thing I Did Not See Coming: Brian
stripping down completely, jumping into the pool, talking about
shrinkage, and being sent home without a rose. I thought his bold
act might have at least gotten him through to the next episode.

Most Predictable 'Twist': The ballot
box appearing at the Pre-Rose Ceremony party. No surprise to anyone
(I hope) that the person who all the guys voted for (Juan...or
Huh-wan if you're Chris-Bot) got saved by Jillian.

Jilloquialism of the Week: 'Eau de
Harris'. Last week's jilloquialism: 'The invisible man'.

Best Reason to Own a PVR Other Than to
Fast Forward Through Commercials: To see if Juan really dropped
Jillian on the basketball court. Note: he did. Sidebar: Speaking of
commercials, I did enjoy the commercial for ABC where The Nanny
yelled at the host of Wipeout to 'Clean your balls before you come in
the house' and Rob Lowe yanking the megaphone out of Ty Penninton's
hands and smashing it to bits. Gold.

Celebrity Look-A-Likes: I think Jesse
has a Chris O'Donnell flavour to him, Wes is obviously Kenny Chesney,
and David is an equal mix of Derek Jeter, The Rock (Dwayne Johnson),
and Joe Thornton. I personally don't watch hockey a lot, but my
husband added Joe Thornton, and after a quick google, I agree.

Wardrobe Malfunctions: Not too sure
about Jillian's gray dress with the asymmetrical front flaps, worn
with the gawdy necklace on the date with Wes. She made up for it
with the strapless black number and red boots – loved it! Also
liked her basketball outfit. Mike's speedo was somewhat questionable,
although he easily had the body for it (and got a rose for his
efforts!) and Ed's blue bowtie was a not working for me.

The Likelihood That Brad Womack Will
Make a Surprise Appearance This Season: About as likely as me missing
the Scripps Spelling Bee this coming Thursday. Oh yeeeah, full
frontal nerdity! Speaking of product placement/shameless promotion,
did y'all see the Bachelorette Billboard on Sunset Boulevard during
Jill's date with Jake? Sly.

How the Date Cards Should Have Been
Done: First of all, bring back the Date Boxes. One of the best
parts of the show, now dwindled down to index cards. Yawn city. So:

First Date (Group): Instead of "The fun starts at my place in five minutes" it should have been a Travelocity
Gnome, a red and yellow flag, and maybe a framed picture of Phil
Keoghan. I'm just sayin'. It was an obvious rip off of the Amazing
Race, and I liked the date concept. Also liked how quickly the guys
got frustrated with searching for the right key for the lock boxes and deciding to just smash the boxes instead. Didn't care too much for
some of the guys (actually, just Tanner's and Michael's) frantic
behaviour. And driving around town in bathing suits, cowboy boots
and no shirts is just a no. Put on a damn shirt before putting on a
seat belt, dudes! Wes wins the date, and all the guys question his motives
for being on the show. Wes doesn't care what the other guys think,
and continues to work on his breakthrough #1 country hit. I mean,
love song for Jillian. Of course.

Second Date (Individual): Instead of
“I'm looking for a guy who can cut loose” how about an old
fashioned brown-and-white picture of Chris-Bot in western gear and a
dvd – no – a VHS tape of Coyote Ugly. This date is awarded to
Jake the pilot and the two take off in her convertible, get some
western duds for Jake while he conveniently leaves the door open
while he takes his shirt off, and head off to the House of Blues for
a private date and concert with Martina McBride. The date goes well
and Jake gets a rose. The ability of Jake to two-step definitely won
some points. Well played, my friend. Well. Played.

Third Date (Group): Instead of “Get
Ready to Play Ball” why not an actual basketball with a speedo
stretched over it. Maybe a smiley face drawn on the ball with a sharpie. The boys get a little competitive on the Venice
Beach Community Centre basketball court. David shows off a tad too
much, Juan drops Jillian, and the Harlem Globetrotters whip the boys
into shape. Afterwards, David and Juan start to spar, and Mike hits
the ocean in a speedo. Just a typical friday night.

First Kiss: Wes

Second Kiss: Jake

Third Kiss: Kiptyn

My Current Choice for Last Cat
Standing: Jake. That's right, I'm a sucker for the smooth talking
pilot. Jake is my current favourite.

The Cat Most Likely to Stick Around
Longer Than He Should: Michael or Juan. Sorry, Juan lovers, I don't
like him.

So, who stays and who goes?

The safe ones are Wes, Jake, Mike,
Juan, Jesse, David, Ed, Sasha, Mark, Michael, Tanner P (guess the
foot fetish didn't scare her away...yet), Kiptyn, Reid, Robby/Rosmo,
Tanner F, and Brad.

So the four who are out are Simon (the
Brit), Brian ('Shrinkage? I was in the pool!'), Julien, and cowboy
boot wearing Mathue.

Next week: David continues his quest
against Juan, which could be somewhat reminiscent of School Ties,
sans the anti-semitism of course.  Also, there will be more dates, roses, foot gawking, champagne drinking and my old friend Chris-Bot

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode One: Whoa, Easy on the H-Word There, Chris-Bot

That H-word is Husband, not Hot-dog.  Thankfully.

Two reasons why I like this season already:  

1 - Our Bachelorette, whom I like, is from Vancouver, where I currently live.  Fun to see different sights (although I could have done without the Gastown Steam Clock...who's with me, Vancouverites??).  I especially liked how I recognized her condo courtyard (oh yes, a mere block from my very own home!) - and the street where she got into the cab.  As if I haven't eaten at Paul's Place a ton of times...fun.  And I'll let it slide that the cab drove off in the EXACT opposite direction from the airport.  I appreciate that some of the show is staged.  Some of it.  Right.

2 - Six minutes into the show, Jillian says:  "I don't give a f%#$ what he takes on his hot dog."  Yes!  Thank you.  Thanks for moving in the right direction with the hot-dog-topping business.  Let's move away from that.  Quickly.  

So, on to the recap.  The first show is pretty much standard: We have a quick recap of Jillian's stint on the Bachelor, where she finished third and (thankfully) did not end up with Jason.  We then fast forward to 'today', where we see Jillian touring around Vancouver (see point number 1, above), jogging on the Seawall, cruising through Gastown, gardening, shoe shopping, walking around town and throwing her hat up in the air, Mary Tyler Moore style and we are reassured that yes, she's going to make it after all.

Next, she's bidding her family adieu (how Sound of Music was that?) and whisks herself off to LA, where she's gets busy washing her souped-up purple convertible and otherwise getting ready to meet some Cats.  Chris-Bot appears in a new tie and freshly pressed shirt to get us geared up.  We get a sneak preview of some the Cats before Chris-Bot and Jillian have a fireside chat.  

Sidebar: I could do without the fireside chat.  Too contrived, no?  

Then, we get to the meat.  The limos begin to pull up and one by one, we meet each of the lucky Cats.  Afterwards, we go inside to drink champagne, watch the guys puff their chests, steal Jillian away from each other, drink more champagne, talk about feet fetishes, break dance, etc.  Mostly drink, though.  Or maybe that was just me.  

And then, a twist:  after meeting 25 Cats, five more crash the party and things get awkward for about a second.  I think ABC was hoping for a bit more drama, but it was pretty tame.  A first impression rose is given out, and then we get to the Rose Ceremony (which was damn crowded, what with 30 guys in a small room, all rubbing shoulders and trying to look taller than the guy beside him), and we're done.  So.  Let's get to the Cats:

NOTE: there are spoilers ahead.  Obviously.

Here are the 20 she chose:

David - got the first impression rose.  My first impression of him was that he was painfully shy, almost couldn't talk at the first meeting, but then he recovered very well with a later one-on-one conversation with Jillian.  I like him.  He's charming in a shy modest way.  Nice choice.

Jake - good-looking pilot who gave her a set of wings when they first met.  Best quote from Jake: "I would absolutely die to make her dreams come true".

Jesse - think Andrew Firestone and you won't forget him.  He's a wine maker (or 'love juice maker', if you're Jesse) from California.

Wes - a guitar-playing county western singer.  That's pronounced sing-ger.  A little bit Kenny Chesney, what with the hat on backwards, but without the shirtless, barefoot, corona-drinking in Mexico lifestyle.  No shoes.  No shirt.  No service. 

Matthue - personal trainer with a cowboy hat that has allegedly been signed by a multitude of country bands, including the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.  Good looking.  A little rough around the edges.

Michael -  a break dance instructor from East Harlem.  The skinniest white boy on the show, but quirky and memorable.  Best quote from Michael: "There's a large part of me that is very much a one-woman man".  Um....and the other part?

Robby - a bartender with a penchant for pouring special drinks for special people.

Ed - One of the five additional cats.

Reid - I wrote his name down while watching the show, but to be honest, don't remember him.  Having said that, he'll probably be the Last.Man.Standing.

Simon - An English chap (woo woo) who's speech actually was subtitled.  Weak, ABC, weak.  

Kiptyn - An early favourite of mine.  Good-looking. Freely admitted that he takes ketchup on his hot dog, but I'll let that slide. He doesn't know that she doesn't give a f#$% what anyone takes on their dog anymore (see point 2, above).

Mike - One of the five addition cats...was he the one who tossed the cue ball to her and then said 'oh yeah, you ARE a good catch'?  Weak.  Good thing he's hot.

Brian - an IT consultant from Alabama, a little too country mouse who was intimidated by the city mouse, Kyle, and Kyle's moustache tatoos.  But he sticks while Kyle slides, so he must have done something right.

Sasha - An oil and gas cat from Texas with a Serbian background/family.  

Sidebar: These guys are starting to all run together in my mind.  Like a team of junior hockey players, freshly scrubbed with slick hair and their older brother's suits on, out at a bar in a city they've never been before...all bunched together and every once in awhile one breaks free to either approach a girl or get a round of drinks.  Mostly they're just watching sports on the big screen though.

Julien - Got his name confused with Jillian, but otherwise I didn't really remember much about him.  He likes to skydive and drive fast cars I think.

Tanner P - One of the five added Cats with a foot fetish.  He's an AIG employee on a 'break from work' (or something like that), who likes huntin', fishin', cookin', chickn', and shiny blazers.  Oh yeah, and feet.  Loves them.  Hard to believe no one has snapped him up already.

Mark - Brings a new theory to the table: the pizza-toppings-as-metaphor-for-character. Of course, he couldn't quite follow through after Jillian explained the toppings she liked, but he still gets a rose.

Brad - A financial advisor, but otherwise not memorable (for me).

Tanner F - Looks like a russian hockey player.  I was a bit surprised he made the cut.

Juan - At first I saw a red flag: Juan works with his mom, a brilliant architect.  But I warmed up to Juan....I think he might last.

And the 10 she didn't choose:

Steve (attorney who was quite bitter about not getting picked), Kyle (Brooklyn boy who likes to shop at thrift stores cleverly disguised as H&M stores), Bryan (high school coach), John P (the white tie did him in), Bilbro (any guy who poses in jeans with no shirt should never be on this show.  Or maybe that's exactly the type of guy who should be on the show), John H (branding consultant), Adam (Olympic cyclist), Caleb (who?), Josh (lifeguard...again, who?), and Fred/Frank (missed that last one...too lazy to rewind).

Phew.  Long episode. Tough to get through the first one when they all look a bit similar and we only get a glimpse of them all.  Hard to say who will be this season's Graham Bunn (I predict David) or Brad Womack (I think Matthue), but as always, I'll be watching every week.  And getting snarkier each week.  

Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Zero: Hot Diggity Dog, The Bachelorette is Back in Tha House

Hi All,

Yes.  Yes, it's true.  This coming Monday, May 18th, The Bachelorette, our old friend Jillian (who thankfully got ditched by Jason Mesnick), starts her journey on what will undoubtedly and most obviously be the Most.Amazing.Season.Ever.  

A quick preview of the official website tells us that there will be some fun twists and turns this season, including an unprecedented 30 bachelors for Jillian to choose from.  We'll meet 25 cats at the outset, and then five more handsome supercats will crash the party. Oooh.  Twisty.  The cats include a break dance instructor, a pizza entrepreneur, an oil and gas consultant (good lord please let them NOT bond over some Alberta/Oil&Gas connection), a couple Johns, a couple Tanners, a Jake, a Kiptyn, a Matthue, a Greg and a Caleb, among others.

The fantasy dates will be even more fantastical and romantic than ever before, with a guest appearance from Martina McBride and the Harlem Globetrotters (together at last!!), and exotic locations, such as Hawaii, Spain and, you guessed it, Canada.  Wow. International.  My dearest old friend Chris-Bot is of course hosting.  Sigh.  How I've missed Chris-Bot.

And we all know what the theme of this season will be.  At least, what the theme of the first episode will be, after which it had better be put to bed once and for all. 

 

Suicide Hot Dog by StefZ

Of course I'm speaking of the now infamous hot-dog-topping-as-metaphor-for-cat's-character.  Feel free to create a drinking game relating to such. A quick summary:

If said cat prefers:

Ketchup - he's an All-American Boy, natch

Onion - he's not the marrying kind

Mustard - he's the guy that every woman wants

So....what if a guy, like Brad Womack for example, enjoys all three toppings on his dog? Or prefers relish.  Or nothing.  What does that make him?  I'll tell you what it makes him. A dude who is not subjecting himself to be on this show, that's who.  Probably one who thinks there is more to himself than what he takes on a hot dog.  I'm beginning to froth at the mouth already and the season hasn't even started.  So exciting - should be a great season!  I'm already chilling my champagne and have set the PVR so I don't miss one second of Chris-Bot's purring voice on Monday night.  Enjoy the show, all!