Bachelorette, Eh? Episode One: Whoa, Easy on the H-Word There, Chris-Bot

That H-word is Husband, not Hot-dog.  Thankfully.

Two reasons why I like this season already:  

1 - Our Bachelorette, whom I like, is from Vancouver, where I currently live.  Fun to see different sights (although I could have done without the Gastown Steam Clock...who's with me, Vancouverites??).  I especially liked how I recognized her condo courtyard (oh yes, a mere block from my very own home!) - and the street where she got into the cab.  As if I haven't eaten at Paul's Place a ton of times...fun.  And I'll let it slide that the cab drove off in the EXACT opposite direction from the airport.  I appreciate that some of the show is staged.  Some of it.  Right.

2 - Six minutes into the show, Jillian says:  "I don't give a f%#$ what he takes on his hot dog."  Yes!  Thank you.  Thanks for moving in the right direction with the hot-dog-topping business.  Let's move away from that.  Quickly.  

So, on to the recap.  The first show is pretty much standard: We have a quick recap of Jillian's stint on the Bachelor, where she finished third and (thankfully) did not end up with Jason.  We then fast forward to 'today', where we see Jillian touring around Vancouver (see point number 1, above), jogging on the Seawall, cruising through Gastown, gardening, shoe shopping, walking around town and throwing her hat up in the air, Mary Tyler Moore style and we are reassured that yes, she's going to make it after all.

Next, she's bidding her family adieu (how Sound of Music was that?) and whisks herself off to LA, where she's gets busy washing her souped-up purple convertible and otherwise getting ready to meet some Cats.  Chris-Bot appears in a new tie and freshly pressed shirt to get us geared up.  We get a sneak preview of some the Cats before Chris-Bot and Jillian have a fireside chat.  

Sidebar: I could do without the fireside chat.  Too contrived, no?  

Then, we get to the meat.  The limos begin to pull up and one by one, we meet each of the lucky Cats.  Afterwards, we go inside to drink champagne, watch the guys puff their chests, steal Jillian away from each other, drink more champagne, talk about feet fetishes, break dance, etc.  Mostly drink, though.  Or maybe that was just me.  

And then, a twist:  after meeting 25 Cats, five more crash the party and things get awkward for about a second.  I think ABC was hoping for a bit more drama, but it was pretty tame.  A first impression rose is given out, and then we get to the Rose Ceremony (which was damn crowded, what with 30 guys in a small room, all rubbing shoulders and trying to look taller than the guy beside him), and we're done.  So.  Let's get to the Cats:

NOTE: there are spoilers ahead.  Obviously.

Here are the 20 she chose:

David - got the first impression rose.  My first impression of him was that he was painfully shy, almost couldn't talk at the first meeting, but then he recovered very well with a later one-on-one conversation with Jillian.  I like him.  He's charming in a shy modest way.  Nice choice.

Jake - good-looking pilot who gave her a set of wings when they first met.  Best quote from Jake: "I would absolutely die to make her dreams come true".

Jesse - think Andrew Firestone and you won't forget him.  He's a wine maker (or 'love juice maker', if you're Jesse) from California.

Wes - a guitar-playing county western singer.  That's pronounced sing-ger.  A little bit Kenny Chesney, what with the hat on backwards, but without the shirtless, barefoot, corona-drinking in Mexico lifestyle.  No shoes.  No shirt.  No service. 

Matthue - personal trainer with a cowboy hat that has allegedly been signed by a multitude of country bands, including the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.  Good looking.  A little rough around the edges.

Michael -  a break dance instructor from East Harlem.  The skinniest white boy on the show, but quirky and memorable.  Best quote from Michael: "There's a large part of me that is very much a one-woman man".  Um....and the other part?

Robby - a bartender with a penchant for pouring special drinks for special people.

Ed - One of the five additional cats.

Reid - I wrote his name down while watching the show, but to be honest, don't remember him.  Having said that, he'll probably be the Last.Man.Standing.

Simon - An English chap (woo woo) who's speech actually was subtitled.  Weak, ABC, weak.  

Kiptyn - An early favourite of mine.  Good-looking. Freely admitted that he takes ketchup on his hot dog, but I'll let that slide. He doesn't know that she doesn't give a f#$% what anyone takes on their dog anymore (see point 2, above).

Mike - One of the five addition cats...was he the one who tossed the cue ball to her and then said 'oh yeah, you ARE a good catch'?  Weak.  Good thing he's hot.

Brian - an IT consultant from Alabama, a little too country mouse who was intimidated by the city mouse, Kyle, and Kyle's moustache tatoos.  But he sticks while Kyle slides, so he must have done something right.

Sasha - An oil and gas cat from Texas with a Serbian background/family.  

Sidebar: These guys are starting to all run together in my mind.  Like a team of junior hockey players, freshly scrubbed with slick hair and their older brother's suits on, out at a bar in a city they've never been before...all bunched together and every once in awhile one breaks free to either approach a girl or get a round of drinks.  Mostly they're just watching sports on the big screen though.

Julien - Got his name confused with Jillian, but otherwise I didn't really remember much about him.  He likes to skydive and drive fast cars I think.

Tanner P - One of the five added Cats with a foot fetish.  He's an AIG employee on a 'break from work' (or something like that), who likes huntin', fishin', cookin', chickn', and shiny blazers.  Oh yeah, and feet.  Loves them.  Hard to believe no one has snapped him up already.

Mark - Brings a new theory to the table: the pizza-toppings-as-metaphor-for-character. Of course, he couldn't quite follow through after Jillian explained the toppings she liked, but he still gets a rose.

Brad - A financial advisor, but otherwise not memorable (for me).

Tanner F - Looks like a russian hockey player.  I was a bit surprised he made the cut.

Juan - At first I saw a red flag: Juan works with his mom, a brilliant architect.  But I warmed up to Juan....I think he might last.

And the 10 she didn't choose:

Steve (attorney who was quite bitter about not getting picked), Kyle (Brooklyn boy who likes to shop at thrift stores cleverly disguised as H&M stores), Bryan (high school coach), John P (the white tie did him in), Bilbro (any guy who poses in jeans with no shirt should never be on this show.  Or maybe that's exactly the type of guy who should be on the show), John H (branding consultant), Adam (Olympic cyclist), Caleb (who?), Josh (lifeguard...again, who?), and Fred/Frank (missed that last one...too lazy to rewind).

Phew.  Long episode. Tough to get through the first one when they all look a bit similar and we only get a glimpse of them all.  Hard to say who will be this season's Graham Bunn (I predict David) or Brad Womack (I think Matthue), but as always, I'll be watching every week.  And getting snarkier each week.