Bachelorette, Eh? Episode Six: Tanner and his big package.

I went there.  With Tanner and all.  But before I do...

The one thing I'll say about Jon & Kate is that the cats at Crooked Houses or whatever that company is called have got to be toasting to their damn good fortune right about now because I'm sure their business will increase by at least 500% after tonight's over-hyped episode. Speaking of, just typing the words 'Jon & Kate are separated and/or filing for divorce' will probably increase traffic to my blog by at least 500% tonight.  Suck on that, Tanner P!  Woot woot!  

And now, The Bachelorette.  A few thoughts.  First, the dates are becoming boring.  Sure, they're in spectacular settings and whatnot, but I find myself not really caring too much about them. The conversations seem the same on each date, the same snuggling on the couch/beside the fire/on the sculpted ice bench, the same awkward stumbling by Jill when one of the guy's ask her a 'tough' question, the same ruminating about 'will your family like me' and so on.  

Second, what's up with all the Canadian sightseeing?  Enough with all the boost to tourism in BC and Alberta.  You'd never guess that the 2010 Winter Olympics are just around the corner.  Makes me wonder what kind of Olympic coverage ABC will have .  Not enough to do some research (by that I mean google), but still.  

Third, the one-on-one dates didn't do it for me tonight.  Usually I develop a crush by the first commercial break during these dates but not tonight.  Robby?  Maybe a little but only for the bartending abilities.  Reid?  No.

Fourth (oh yeah, I'm all over the numbering), I like Jillian but the lighting on this show is not working for her.  She looks different every time there's a different camera angle or lighting change.  All I can think about is that Seinfeld episode...you know the one.

Fifth, I miss Brad Womack.  And Graham Bunn.  Even Jason Mesnick and his damn leap-frogging family. I already miss Ed, and Mike (the other, non-break dancing Mike), and even David.

Finally, why do the previews for this show always look better than the actual episode? Obviously a rhetorical question since the answer is 'editing' (duh), but I could just watch 15 minutes worth of clips from the season, followed by a 15 minute proposal sequence, and I'd probably froth at the mouth about what a brilliant show it is.  But in the meantime....

Let's review the cats:

Tanner P has the greatest lines, the editors must love him.  He's never been to Canada and he's never been on a train so he's had two great experiences he would have never had if not for the show.  What a jackass.  Tanner thinks he'll get close to Jill's feet by helping her put her red snowshoes on.  Again, a jackass.  Later, he rates her feet as 9 to 9 1/2 and would have put them at a 10 if she had painted her nails 'mango mango'.  What the ?  Finally, he wants a hometown date so badly he decides to drop his pants to show off his package.  What a shame and surprise (not) that he didn't get a rose.  

Poor Robby didn't stand a chance.  A sweet, footloose and fancy-free kind of guy, his one mistake was not being ready to start a family and being 'between jobs'.  Although that got somehow translated into being 'too young'.  The whole getting-dropped-off at the train station was a bit much, though. Especially with him standing there with his bags as the train blew past him.  I hope he was thinking what a lucky bastard he was to be off the Rocky Mountaineer.

Jake is a tough one to figure out.  I like him and yet I can't stand him.  How is that possible?  Maybe his smooth talking?  Maybe his insincere laugh? He's certainly proving he can hold a grudge.  I look forward to seeing more of Jake in his Halloween costume turned uniform and to watch him barking into the phone at Chris-Bot.  

Reid is a definite no thanks for me. If I were on a date with him, I'd put on a blond wig, and then I'd take ten pounds of uncooked meat and stuff that fondue pot as full as possible; let it simmer for only a second or two before slurping up the meat.  Then I'd pull out a tray of pineapple chunks and strawberries and fill up the oily fondue pot with chocolate and make him suck it back.  Okay, even that grosses me out a little.  But also makes me crave chocolate fondue.  Yum.

Wes is a guy you have to hate and kind of respect at the same time. If I had to rank him on a scale with all the Bachelors plotted on it, he'd rank somewhere by Graham Bunn , I think.  Someday I'll publish that scale, dear reader, wait for it.  All I know is Brad Womack would be on one end, and Jason Mesnick and that firefighter dude who married Trista would be on the other end. Andrew Firestone would probably be in the middle. Graham and Wes would be on the Womack side, but just barely. Imagine it, y'all, a Bachelor Scale. And yes, I'm a nerd, deal with it.  But back to Wes. Granted, he's obviously there for the publicity (www.weshayden.com) but he never really denies that. Makes me wonder if this stint on the show will do good things for his music career or not.  

Michael comes on a little too strong and a little too fast and that, mixed with zero physical chemistry, puts him on thin ice, I think.  He needs to relax a little on the hometown date but that's likely impossible, so he'll probably get the axe next week.

Who else are we left with?  Oh right, my favourite cats: Jesse and Kiptyn.  Seriously are any of the other guys even close to coming out ahead of these two?

So we're down to five for the hometown dates: Kiptyn, Reid, Jesse, Wes, and Michael. And, true to spirit (what an odd expression that is), the previews look better than the show might actually be.  I predict that Jake will be the one who joins the cats at an upcoming Rose Ceremony, that Kiptyn has a cool dad (come on, the tape around the hot tub?), that Wes has no family, just 'his band', and that Jesse will be the dud in the boudoir, clearing the road for a Kiptyn-Reid finale, only to be spoiled by the surprise appearance by Ed (that's right, Ed) and Jillian will be too flustered to accept a proposal from anyone. And we'll be back at square one.  With an announc
ement that Kiptyn will be the next Bachelor and an appearance by Jillian on the next cover of People magazine.  At which point I'll curse the show, and myself for watching said show, and then begin a countdown to the start of the next season.  Phew!  I need a whiskey sour, y'all!