Bachelorette, Eh? The Final Episode: The Cat Came Back, He Just Couldn't Stay Away

The scene is set. We’ve all been waiting for this night, the night of the Most.Dramatic.Finale.Ever. And I’m watching it on the big screen at a wonderful rooftop party hosted by a dear friend. I and eleven other avid fans are happily gathered around, enjoying sangrias, some gambling, and a beautiful summer evening. Of course, being the blog nerd that I am, I have taken a few sneak peeks earlier at home (thank you Monsieur PVR) but I’m excited to watch it again with the company of the other girls. Fun times. Like the Super Bowl for women. Actually, better. The only thing better would be if Chris-Bot himself showed up and crashed our viewing. But ssshh, y’all, the show is about to begin. The one thing on my mind is how will I work Jon or Kate Gosselin into my blog this week? Should be fairly easy. And oh right, the other thing on my mind is who will be the last cat standing?

First off, we are in Hawaii, where the boys are meeting Jill’s family. I wonder if they’re staying where the Gosselin’s renewed their vows? See, it’s that easy. Okay, okay, let’s get serious. Ed is up first and he meets Jill’s parents, her cousin, who’s looking to get some fame from the show (although she is gorgeous), and grandma. Grandma thinks Ed is terrifically handsome but she probably thought that of Ed McMahon. Mama Peg has a sheet of questions for Ed. If you remember, she did the same for Jason. It’s her signature style, if you will. But she doesn’t have 76 questions for Ed the way she had for Jason, only 66. I guess Ty was worth ten whole questions last time around.

Next, Papa Glen and Ed have a mock fireside chat, in which their bare feet come dangerously close to touching one another’s, which would have been magical. All I’m thinking is who the hell talks to their in-laws like this? Not Jon Gosselin, that’s for sure (So easy). I’m also thinking that Ed does not have a future in politics; that was the worst sucking up to father-in-law that I’ve ever seen. The awkward laugh and the insincere inserting of Glen’s name into the conversation just came off strange. It almost feels as though Ed is in work mode; sizing up potential clients and doing his best to be subtly persuasive. Not too over the top, just right. Just what Jill needs, I think. A nice, safe boy. Ed. Even the name, nice and safe. She has the usual post-date pow-wow with the family and they all agree that Ed is a decent guy.

Next up, Kiptyn. Sooo good looking. I continue to maintain my stance that he’s out of her league – mom totally threw her off with the tough questions - and that he’ll be the next Bachelor. I mean come on, he’s either perfect or the producers are making him look perfect, and I don’t care which one is true: he’s hot and fun and athletic and runs down the beach sans shirt enough times to make even Ed salivate. Plus he’s generous with the whole charity thing, comfortable with the family, and says all the right things. The stubble doesn’t hurt either. But back to meeting the parents: Jill gives Kiptyn relatively the same pep talk that she gave to Ed, Mama Peg asks the same questions, Glen and Grandma get their turn, and again the family agrees that he’s all around a pretty decent guy. Grandma claims that she is overwhelmed; I feel somewhat under whelmed at this point.

Then we have the final dates with the boys, with speed boating and picnicking with Kiptyn (love the surfboard scene) and swimming and a re-do of the overnight date with Ed, which leads to my first sidebar of tonight’s blog:

The Best.Editing.Ever: This is an easy one, and obvious. I guarantee that a collective groan went out at the same time during the show. You know the moment: Ed and Jillian decide to try and revive their sexual spark and head off to Ed’s place for an overnight date. As the scene of the two of them fade, the next scene is a volcano erupting. Groan indeed. Especially after their helicopter ride, where they talk about pressure building and releasing (speaking of the volcano, of course, wink wink nudge nudge). Groan again. Why not just show a quick montage of rocket ships launching and car pistons firing while we’re at it? Good lord, the boys in the editing booth must have had a field day with that one. Puhlease..

But back to reality. Before we go any further, let’s compare the boys. Warning: I’m biased. Obviously. I like Ed, I really do, but it’s just that I like Kiptyn more.

Kiptyn (about Jill): ‘She makes me better. I hope I make her better. I’d be a lucky man to be with her. We could enjoy things in life more with each other’

Ed (about Jill): ‘You could be one of my best guy friends’

Kiptyn could shave three times a day and still have the right amount of sexy stubble.

Ed has a roman haircut. Give the cat some metal body armor and some gladiator sandals and he’d be ready to roll.

Kiptyn had no problems in the boudoir.

Ed did but made up for it (cue the volcano erupting scene).

Kip likes to kayak and looks great carrying a surfboard. He can run down a beach near me anytime.

Ed wears short shorts and tank tops with green ribbon trim. He writes in a journal and stares at rocks in a pond. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Kiptyn picks out an engagement ring confidently; he runs up the staircase at Neil Lane. Neil Lane himself almost climbed over the jewelry case to maul him. Am I right, sisters?

Ed is sweaty and nervous; he has to stop for a break halfway up the staircase.

Kiptyn looks hot all the time, no matter what he’s wearing.

Ed continues to need a stylist. The green swimming shorts just won’t cut it. And I was surprised that he didn’t wear those sock suspender things when they showed him getting ready to propose to Jillian. Wow, I’m feisty tonight. Sorry, Ed fans, I don’t mean to be so harsh. Or do I?

Sidebar Number Two: The Best Commercial Ever (and a Runner-Up):

There were two commercials that I totally loved. Number one: some new Schick Quattro razor. Have you seen this crap? Their slogan is “Shave, Trim and Transform”. As if that’s not bad enough, they show a…ahem….bush….that is shaped like an inverted triangle. I kid you not. Google it. Hell, youtube it. You won’t regret it. Actually, here it is: enjoy.

Runner-up for best commercial: the upcoming previews for Cougar Town, starring Courtney Cox. I laughed, and then I realized that the viewers of the Bach were the perfect demographic for a show like that and then I realized that I was part of said demographic. Ouch. Stopped laughing and returned to blogging.

We’ve finally reached the Big Day.

After about ten minutes (probably four hours of shooting) of slow motion montages of Ed and Kiptyn looking pensive and then getting ready to get suited up, many shots of everyone leaning over the balcony (I half expected Jake or Jason to be in one of them), some quiet contemplations with a cup of coffee, and some journaling by Jill, we’re on to the proposal sequence. The only thing missing are the last minute gifts from the guys in their last bid at winning her over. Remember how Jesse Csincsak made a scrapbook and Jason Mesnick had made up that romantic board game? They showed Jill reading some handwritten notes but I expected more.

The altar is beautiful. Jillian looks beautiful. Chris-Bot is his usual self. I’m slightly nervous.

Kip is up first. He’s nervous and chatty at the altar. He reminds Jill of all the great times they’ve had together. She responds by giving him the old ‘you’re exactly what I’m looking for but in the meantime I’ve fallen for someone else’ speech. He’s quite composed during the rejection scene but she’s not. As usual, she’s a bit blubbery and worried about whether her heart will keep up. Poor Kiptyn didn’t actually pull the ring out, so thankfully he can use it next season when he’s the Bachelor. Phew. Because that was a gorgeous rock he picked out.

Up next, Ed. Wait, not Ed. A taxi pulls up and out pops a leg. This leg is wearing a suit and some mesh shoes, sort of Miami Vice style. The leg is connected to Reid. No surprise, of course, the spoilers are all over the internet. Reid tells the cab driver not to wait. Cabbie, after a moment’s hesitation says, you know what pal; I think I’ll wait; I have a feeling this won’t take too long. So Reid, with shirt untucked and casual shoes (he’s probably had about ten shots of tequila at this point), decides to stumble up the wooden aisle and propose to Jillian. Wow. Shocker. She thinks about it for a moment while Reid waits nervously at the altar. For a moment I was excited because I thought Chris-Bot might escort Ed up the altar to meet up with Reid. Perhaps the two could literally fight it out for her. But no, Jillian has a heart-to-heart with Chris-Bot and has made her decision to send Reid home. Oh, Chris-Bot, reality tv show host, former news broadcaster, relationship counselor, man-code decoder, all around cool guy, is there anything you can’t do? Overall, I thought Reid was selfish to come back this way. True, Ed came back but he left the first time voluntarily, while Reid was sent home. Anyone else have the song ‘The Cat Came Back’ in their heads right now? How about ‘They Say Love, It Don’t Come Easy’?

Finally, Ed saunters up. He proposes, she says yes. Overall, I’m a bit under whelmed and I’m wondering just how long will it be till we hear who the next Bachelor is? The clips with Jillian and Ed and how their love developed over the course of six weeks would have been a whole lot better if the song that went along with it had been our old favourite from Wes.

Would have been a much more dramatic ending if Jake had come back and proposed. Could you imagine that speech? Actually, the best ending would have been Chris-Bot himself proposing, while Reid waited anxiously at the altar and Ed arrives in limo…waiting patiently for someone to open the limo door for him.

So, what will be so shocking on tomorrow night’s After the Final Rose episode? Stay tuned...

Bachelorette, Eh? Penultimate episode: Pulling a Mesnick

Sigh. It's good to be back.  And while I generally didn't look forward to tonight's episode (as I usually don't), this one was not too shabby.  Not too shabby at all.

But first, since a lot of tonight's episode was a look back at where we've come from, I decided to go back to my first post to see what my first impression's were of the final Cats. Here goes....

Ed - One of the five additional cats.

Kiptyn - An early favourite of mine.  Good-looking. Freely admitted that he takes ketchup on his hot dog, but I'll let that slide. He doesn't know that she doesn't give a f#$% what anyone takes on their dog anymore.

And just for fun...

Wes - a guitar-playing county western singer.  That's pronounced sing-ger.  A little bit Kenny Chesney, what with the hat on backwards, but without the shirtless, barefoot, corona-drinking in Mexico lifestyle.  No shoes.  No shirt.  No service. 

Reid - I wrote his name down while watching the show, but to be honest, don't remember him.  Having said that, he'll probably be the Last.Man.Standing.

Now back to the show. While most of the show was filler and re-hash of stuff we've already seen there were a few good moments.  What I learned tonight:

Guys who play basketball with the Harlem Globetrotter's should probably stick to their day 'jobs'.  In a never-before-seen moment, we see Special K (WTF kind of nickname is that?) doles out relationship advice to Jillian.  More specifically, he tells her that Kiptyn is not the one for her, since he cheated during the game, that Mike has great hair so the best test would be to see if would cut his hair for her or not, and that Juan is a good guy.  And so is David.  Thanks, Special K, maybe just stick to whistling and spinning the ball on your fingertips or whatever.  Yowch, I'm on it tonight.

Ed is probably a lot more fun than I originally thought.  He's a fun drunk.  Love the scene where she's doing her usual talk about relationships and connections and yadda yadda yadda (really, who wouldn't tune out after awhile?) and Ed pauses, and then slurs: That was a lot of words you just threw at me there.  Gold.  The dancing in the hallway also won me over to Ed even more.   And while I'm on the topic of Ed....

Fart jokes still make me laugh.  They probably always will.  Admit it, blog reader, they make you laugh, too.  Maybe not in a group.  Maybe not at work.  But when you're at home, watching this show, with your husband/boyfriend lingering in the background, *pretending* not to be watching the show with you, you laughed when Ed farted at the Rose Ceremony, when Michael went off screen and then had his fart 'follow him back', and when Jillian pulled Chris-Bot's finger.  You might be laughing right now.  I'll admit it: they make me laugh.

Since when is Jason Mesnick the 'Most.Controversial.Man.in.America'?  I kid you not, Chris-Bot said that.  Seriously.  The sappy cat who still, as a grown adult, plays leap-frogswith his family on Sundays and knows how to run full speed, in a squat, arms open wide to hug his son, is controversial?  The cat who has a perma-snarl/nostril flare that only a mother (or Molly) could love is controversial?  Although I did like good ol' Moll as a brunette.  Don't forget to check out www.jasonsplace.com.  

Man-code.  Really, how much time was spent wasted on this topic tonight?  Too much, in my opinion.  Because Chris-Bot called it: isn't being on the Bachelorette, in and of itself, a violation of the man-code?  I totally lost interest in this part of the show, accidently hit the stop button on my PVR, and noticed that Katie Couric's hair is slowly evolving into a Kate Gosselin hairstyle.  Shudder.  Press play and I'm back to the show.  

Women will always love men like Jake but I'll never understand why.  I mean overall, Jake is a good guy.  Right?  He's got to be.  But he just, I don't know, grinds my gears.  I said it before and I'll say it again, he reminds me too much of Tom Cruise in Top Gun.  Never a hair out of place, shirt tucked in at inappropriate times, insincere chortling, too many gosh darning, saying things like 'aviation is a big part of my life', and probably calling his mom three times a day (on a bad day).  He might just be the next Bachelor. And while we're on that topic...

I wouldn't mind Kiptyn as the next Bachelor.  I'd also take Ed or break-dancing Mike. Actually, along with my husband, who lingers in the background and pretends not to watch the show, I'd really like to see Mike as the next Bach.  Does anyone have Chris-Bot's cell phone number?  I'll put in a good word or two.  I have a strange sinking feeling it might be Jake, though.  Ug.

ABC should really axe the whole lets-talk-the-audience part of these shows. They're always terrible and slightly embarrassing, especially if you're the one guy in the audience, wearing a blue shirt and khaki's picked out by your wife and who was just dragged to the show by said wife and then you're put on the spot and you give the perfect answer that totally outs you as the Biggest.Fan.Ever.

Enough has already been said about Wes.  But I'll say a little more.  Bad press is still press, my friends.  I guarantee that Wes' record sales have skyrocketed, despite his tarnished reputation.  Actually, probably because of his tarnished reputation.  The musical montage during the show was golden. You just can't go wrong with slow-motion clips of dudes playing guitars. Also, by now most of you have probably heard about Laurel being the ex-girlfriend of both Wes and Brad Womack so what more is there to say?  Maybe just this:if I'm ever in Austin, I'm hitting the Peach Body during the day, and then the Chuggin' Monkey for an all-night bender.  ABC should be selling tickets for these tours.  Better yet, it would make a great date for next season's Bachelor. Right, because Jake would really let his hair down at one of Brad Womack's bars.  

I'm calling it now: Jillian will pull a modified Mesnick at the finale.  She'll say no to Kiptyn's proposal (leaving it open for him to be the next Bach), say yes to Microsoft Ed (that joke works on a few levels, no?) and then Reid will come back and propose....leaving her to pull back on Ed and probably go for Reid.

Anybody else want to predict how the finale will go down?

Bachelorette, Eh? Where's the blog?

Hi all - Quick post to let you know that the perogy pile will be back in full swing next week! Wish I could put an out-of-office or vacation message up but sadly, I cannot.  Later, bloggers and readers.