Bachelorette, Eh? The Final Episode: The Cat Came Back, He Just Couldn't Stay Away

The scene is set. We’ve all been waiting for this night, the night of the Most.Dramatic.Finale.Ever. And I’m watching it on the big screen at a wonderful rooftop party hosted by a dear friend. I and eleven other avid fans are happily gathered around, enjoying sangrias, some gambling, and a beautiful summer evening. Of course, being the blog nerd that I am, I have taken a few sneak peeks earlier at home (thank you Monsieur PVR) but I’m excited to watch it again with the company of the other girls. Fun times. Like the Super Bowl for women. Actually, better. The only thing better would be if Chris-Bot himself showed up and crashed our viewing. But ssshh, y’all, the show is about to begin. The one thing on my mind is how will I work Jon or Kate Gosselin into my blog this week? Should be fairly easy. And oh right, the other thing on my mind is who will be the last cat standing?

First off, we are in Hawaii, where the boys are meeting Jill’s family. I wonder if they’re staying where the Gosselin’s renewed their vows? See, it’s that easy. Okay, okay, let’s get serious. Ed is up first and he meets Jill’s parents, her cousin, who’s looking to get some fame from the show (although she is gorgeous), and grandma. Grandma thinks Ed is terrifically handsome but she probably thought that of Ed McMahon. Mama Peg has a sheet of questions for Ed. If you remember, she did the same for Jason. It’s her signature style, if you will. But she doesn’t have 76 questions for Ed the way she had for Jason, only 66. I guess Ty was worth ten whole questions last time around.

Next, Papa Glen and Ed have a mock fireside chat, in which their bare feet come dangerously close to touching one another’s, which would have been magical. All I’m thinking is who the hell talks to their in-laws like this? Not Jon Gosselin, that’s for sure (So easy). I’m also thinking that Ed does not have a future in politics; that was the worst sucking up to father-in-law that I’ve ever seen. The awkward laugh and the insincere inserting of Glen’s name into the conversation just came off strange. It almost feels as though Ed is in work mode; sizing up potential clients and doing his best to be subtly persuasive. Not too over the top, just right. Just what Jill needs, I think. A nice, safe boy. Ed. Even the name, nice and safe. She has the usual post-date pow-wow with the family and they all agree that Ed is a decent guy.

Next up, Kiptyn. Sooo good looking. I continue to maintain my stance that he’s out of her league – mom totally threw her off with the tough questions - and that he’ll be the next Bachelor. I mean come on, he’s either perfect or the producers are making him look perfect, and I don’t care which one is true: he’s hot and fun and athletic and runs down the beach sans shirt enough times to make even Ed salivate. Plus he’s generous with the whole charity thing, comfortable with the family, and says all the right things. The stubble doesn’t hurt either. But back to meeting the parents: Jill gives Kiptyn relatively the same pep talk that she gave to Ed, Mama Peg asks the same questions, Glen and Grandma get their turn, and again the family agrees that he’s all around a pretty decent guy. Grandma claims that she is overwhelmed; I feel somewhat under whelmed at this point.

Then we have the final dates with the boys, with speed boating and picnicking with Kiptyn (love the surfboard scene) and swimming and a re-do of the overnight date with Ed, which leads to my first sidebar of tonight’s blog:

The Best.Editing.Ever: This is an easy one, and obvious. I guarantee that a collective groan went out at the same time during the show. You know the moment: Ed and Jillian decide to try and revive their sexual spark and head off to Ed’s place for an overnight date. As the scene of the two of them fade, the next scene is a volcano erupting. Groan indeed. Especially after their helicopter ride, where they talk about pressure building and releasing (speaking of the volcano, of course, wink wink nudge nudge). Groan again. Why not just show a quick montage of rocket ships launching and car pistons firing while we’re at it? Good lord, the boys in the editing booth must have had a field day with that one. Puhlease..

But back to reality. Before we go any further, let’s compare the boys. Warning: I’m biased. Obviously. I like Ed, I really do, but it’s just that I like Kiptyn more.

Kiptyn (about Jill): ‘She makes me better. I hope I make her better. I’d be a lucky man to be with her. We could enjoy things in life more with each other’

Ed (about Jill): ‘You could be one of my best guy friends’

Kiptyn could shave three times a day and still have the right amount of sexy stubble.

Ed has a roman haircut. Give the cat some metal body armor and some gladiator sandals and he’d be ready to roll.

Kiptyn had no problems in the boudoir.

Ed did but made up for it (cue the volcano erupting scene).

Kip likes to kayak and looks great carrying a surfboard. He can run down a beach near me anytime.

Ed wears short shorts and tank tops with green ribbon trim. He writes in a journal and stares at rocks in a pond. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Kiptyn picks out an engagement ring confidently; he runs up the staircase at Neil Lane. Neil Lane himself almost climbed over the jewelry case to maul him. Am I right, sisters?

Ed is sweaty and nervous; he has to stop for a break halfway up the staircase.

Kiptyn looks hot all the time, no matter what he’s wearing.

Ed continues to need a stylist. The green swimming shorts just won’t cut it. And I was surprised that he didn’t wear those sock suspender things when they showed him getting ready to propose to Jillian. Wow, I’m feisty tonight. Sorry, Ed fans, I don’t mean to be so harsh. Or do I?

Sidebar Number Two: The Best Commercial Ever (and a Runner-Up):

There were two commercials that I totally loved. Number one: some new Schick Quattro razor. Have you seen this crap? Their slogan is “Shave, Trim and Transform”. As if that’s not bad enough, they show a…ahem….bush….that is shaped like an inverted triangle. I kid you not. Google it. Hell, youtube it. You won’t regret it. Actually, here it is: enjoy.

Runner-up for best commercial: the upcoming previews for Cougar Town, starring Courtney Cox. I laughed, and then I realized that the viewers of the Bach were the perfect demographic for a show like that and then I realized that I was part of said demographic. Ouch. Stopped laughing and returned to blogging.

We’ve finally reached the Big Day.

After about ten minutes (probably four hours of shooting) of slow motion montages of Ed and Kiptyn looking pensive and then getting ready to get suited up, many shots of everyone leaning over the balcony (I half expected Jake or Jason to be in one of them), some quiet contemplations with a cup of coffee, and some journaling by Jill, we’re on to the proposal sequence. The only thing missing are the last minute gifts from the guys in their last bid at winning her over. Remember how Jesse Csincsak made a scrapbook and Jason Mesnick had made up that romantic board game? They showed Jill reading some handwritten notes but I expected more.

The altar is beautiful. Jillian looks beautiful. Chris-Bot is his usual self. I’m slightly nervous.

Kip is up first. He’s nervous and chatty at the altar. He reminds Jill of all the great times they’ve had together. She responds by giving him the old ‘you’re exactly what I’m looking for but in the meantime I’ve fallen for someone else’ speech. He’s quite composed during the rejection scene but she’s not. As usual, she’s a bit blubbery and worried about whether her heart will keep up. Poor Kiptyn didn’t actually pull the ring out, so thankfully he can use it next season when he’s the Bachelor. Phew. Because that was a gorgeous rock he picked out.

Up next, Ed. Wait, not Ed. A taxi pulls up and out pops a leg. This leg is wearing a suit and some mesh shoes, sort of Miami Vice style. The leg is connected to Reid. No surprise, of course, the spoilers are all over the internet. Reid tells the cab driver not to wait. Cabbie, after a moment’s hesitation says, you know what pal; I think I’ll wait; I have a feeling this won’t take too long. So Reid, with shirt untucked and casual shoes (he’s probably had about ten shots of tequila at this point), decides to stumble up the wooden aisle and propose to Jillian. Wow. Shocker. She thinks about it for a moment while Reid waits nervously at the altar. For a moment I was excited because I thought Chris-Bot might escort Ed up the altar to meet up with Reid. Perhaps the two could literally fight it out for her. But no, Jillian has a heart-to-heart with Chris-Bot and has made her decision to send Reid home. Oh, Chris-Bot, reality tv show host, former news broadcaster, relationship counselor, man-code decoder, all around cool guy, is there anything you can’t do? Overall, I thought Reid was selfish to come back this way. True, Ed came back but he left the first time voluntarily, while Reid was sent home. Anyone else have the song ‘The Cat Came Back’ in their heads right now? How about ‘They Say Love, It Don’t Come Easy’?

Finally, Ed saunters up. He proposes, she says yes. Overall, I’m a bit under whelmed and I’m wondering just how long will it be till we hear who the next Bachelor is? The clips with Jillian and Ed and how their love developed over the course of six weeks would have been a whole lot better if the song that went along with it had been our old favourite from Wes.

Would have been a much more dramatic ending if Jake had come back and proposed. Could you imagine that speech? Actually, the best ending would have been Chris-Bot himself proposing, while Reid waited anxiously at the altar and Ed arrives in limo…waiting patiently for someone to open the limo door for him.

So, what will be so shocking on tomorrow night’s After the Final Rose episode? Stay tuned...