Bachelor On The Wings Of Love Episode 1: Can't Believe I Wasted a Whole Night Watching This

Earlier, I was thinking about how I was a slack blogger during last season's Bachelor and I thought I should share my excuse with you all. Part way though the Mesnick Chronicles of January 2009 I was a few minutes into an episode when my super pregnant body decided it was time to go in to labour. I 'sat' through the whole damn episode, contractions coming one on top of the other (not sure about this whole 7 minutes apart thing, because I never had them that far apart), cursing Jason Mesnick and then heading off to the hospital to birth my daughter the following day. Devoted fan, you say? Eh, maybe. Denial about impending motherhood? Eh, maybe. Needless to say, the rest of that season was a bit of a write-off. But thankfully, Jason Mesnick offed Jillian and Jillian offed Jake and Jake pulled a Mesnick and here we are, the Circle of Life continuing on and on and on. And I'm back to blog about it. Bring it on, Chris-Bot!

First of all, I think the Bach is reaching a state of self-parody, what with all the ridiculous pilot/flying references. The title of the whole damn season is 'Bachelor: On the Wings of Love' afterall. Why ABC didn't go with a Top Gun or even An Officer and a Gentleman theme is beyond me. And yes, I know in those movies that Tom Cruise didn't fly commercial planes and Richard Gere was in the navy or whatever, but come on. Either of those two themes would have been way better than 'Rose Air'. Imagine it: after each Rose Ceremony, instead of the all-too-predictable toasting of champagne glasses while rejected girls sulk off, Jake could ride off into the LA sunset with Take My Breath Away playing. Solid gold, ABC, solid gold. But I digress...get your boarding passes ready, we're ready to board Rose Air! (Oh lord, forget it, I can't do it. Just can't.

We start with the usual, no surprises: a reminder of how Jillian rejected Jake, Jake being pensive and moody, wandering the streets of Dallas in a terrible yellow t-shirt, thinking about how sad and pathetic his life had become, walking around his apartment sans shirt, talking about the most powerful emotion (LOVE, duh!). Next we see slow-motion shots of Jake on top of a skyscraper, skipping rope and doing push-ups sans shirt (For those who didn't watch the episode and think I'm kidding, soooo not!). Then Jake talks about his flying career and his childhood (don't worry, as a child, Jake always wore a shirt. Phew!). Next, we see Jake doing yardwork (you guessed it, shirtless). I'll tell you what, it's a good thing this cat puts his shirt on to fly a plane, because that would be an awesome clip to see - a shirtless Jake flying a plane.

And then, for a brief moment I thought that ABC had read my mind: we see Jake driving a motorcycle around California, with sun setting, and, no kidding, a plane flying above (is that Maverick flying the plane?? Awesome!) Finally, we have a shirtless run down the beach with some talk about how optimistic he is about finding his fiancee. Yawn. Same old.

Next, we meet up with Chris-Bot and get a sneak peak at some of the girls. I'm struck by how much this feels like a Miss America Pageant all of a sudden. Some of the girls start piling into a limo. Meanwhile, back at the farm, Jake is pensive and stressed because he had to put a shirt on and he and Chris-Bot chat about snuggling on rainy afternoons (not with each other of course), looking for love, and all that. A final question from Chris before we meet the girls:

Chris: Would you give up flying for love?

Jake: (after a very long pause) Love is more powerful than flying.

Dear God, For that line alone, I love this show.

First limo arrives. Nothing too notable, except our very first flying reference from the very first girl out of the limo, Rozyln. (Wasn't she on Frasier?) 'You'd better fasten your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride'. Groans heard all around. Emily, a Fit model. Not sure what a Fit Model is. Ali, no voice but holding a peacock feather. Jessie: 'Do you have a registry for these guns?' (As she feels his arms.) Not even sure where to start with that one. A registry? Like a wedding registry? You put your guns on a registry, you don't have a registry for guns. Brad Womack would have least come back with something like, 'Hey, don't be touching those until you show me your tickets for the gun show.' And only Brad Womack could pull off cheese like that.

Next limo arrives. There is no way Ella is only 29. I'm just sayin'. Her kid was probably driving the damn limo. Kathryn has her puffiest purple prom dress on. Caitlyn is a spokesmodel. Elizabeth stacks the deck by pulling out a trick coin (but it's not a bad move, considering all the other crap the girls pull). Alexa decides to wear her motorcyle gloves with her evening gown. Hot. Vienna gets bold by feeling his abs (based on her preview, she'll be the early call for nut job). Corrie screws up her opening line: What do you think about Kissimmee? Kissimmee, Florida, you crazy skank. God, all these girls have waaay over-practiced their opening lines. I know they're trying hard to be memorable, but come on. Mentioning college football teams (Kimberly) and bringing dirt from your family reunion (Valishia) is just going too far. Next is Gia from Manhattan. Sooo pageant-y.

At this point, I've lost track of limos (and girls). The girls are coming in too fast for me to keep up. Or to care. Thankfully Chris shows up after the first 15 to give us all a breather.

Next up: Elizabeth, the nanny no mom wants to hire, who likes snowboarding and football. I like guys but this girl is hot. There is no way she's going home early. Channy will approve your mortgage for you while wearing a short dress and speaking Cambodian. Ashley, with a cardboard spinner and a big rack (oh yeah, I went there). Tiana, a Vancouverite (ahem) with no stupid one-liners, thankfully. Christina, the guy's girl with a basket full of jelly beans or some type of candy as a parting prize for all the other girls. I'm seriously not surprised some of these girls are single.

Ashleigh, with a dress cut way too short (nice camera work, by the way, ABC), and absolutley no balance. She actually tripped and fell right into his arms. Dear God, I love this show. Kirsten, who bashes Jillian. Stephanie, a dance teacher who wants to get the first dance with Jake. Sheila, a commercial pilot, who actually is wearing aviators. Michelle, an idiot who comes out of the limo pretending to be an airplane. Seriously. Is Jake a two-year-old? She tries to flirt with Jake by saying 'I, um, want to be a passenger, um, on your plane, maybe?' Hot.

Jake gives the girls a pep talk and then the party begins. Champagne flows. Claws come out. Sparks fly. Eyes roll. Hair gets flipped. There's talk about what zodiac sign everyone is (OMG, OMG, like, Jake's is aquarius. He's sooo dreamy, y'all). We learn that Jake is looking for inner beauty. Gag. One-on-one time begins. Girls get drunk and dresses get ripped accidently. Chicks get bitchy. Nothing surprising.

And then, the unthinkable happens: Channy says something in Cambodian, and then translates to English for us stupid people: 'Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.' Never in my life have I wished for subtitles, because hearing her say it in Cambodian while reading it in English would have been priceless. WORST LINE EVER. I tweeted Chris Harrison earlier (oh yeah, I'm a cool social media chick, wouldn't you know, what with my 15 or so followers and all) that if I heard this, I might just have to quit the show. Surprisingly, Chris didn't reply to my tweet. DON'T MAKE ME QUIT THE SHOW, CHANNY. Landing strip. Pffft. Honestly.

Then the girls inside start discussing landing strips and big boobs rubbing people the wrong way. You know, girly stuff. Might as well just put on some jammies and start a pillow fight, girls. Instead of pajamas, one of the bach'ettes dresses up in a skanky stewardess outfit. More champagne flows. The nanny throws a football better than Jake. I might just marry this chick myself. Or set her up with Brad Womack (oh yeah, that'll work just fine). Next up, Blondes vs. Brunettes in a football game. Can't believe Jake didn't suggest Shirts vs. Skins. What a dumbass.

More partying. More champagne. Impromptu dancing. Chicks getting jealous. Michelle starting to crack at the seams. Jillian and Ed showing up to help Jake make his selection. That's right, the guy needs help. Already. Ed is actually hilarious. I'd like to see more of him on this show. Michelle beats out Vienna for nut job status. I'm starting to die a little on the inside. Is two hours up yet? This show is killing me. Get to the roses already!

First Impression Rose goes to.....Tenley.

Finally. The Rose Ceremony. Wow. Longest blog post and longest episode ever. Who stays and who goes? Jake gives a small pep talk before the roses and he tells the girls that if they don't receive a rose, it's nothing personal. Um. Not personal? Seriously, Jake, you might as well just pull a Mesnick right now, keep quiet, and fork over the roses.

Keepsies: Tenley, Ella (who's trying singlehandedly to bring back the banana clip), Nanny Elizabeth, Ali, Vienna, Christina (the guy's girl), Gia (Manhattenite), Ashley (stewardess outfit), Rozlyn (NOT from Frasier afterall), Jessie (one of the Canucks), Corrie (from Kissimee), Valishia (who handed him dirt), Ashleigh (who stumbled and fell when they first met), Kathryn (with the fake engagement ring), and Michelle (the nut job).

Going Homesies: Alexa, Elizabeth, Kimberly, Tiana, Emily, Caitlyn, Gia, Channy (I know, I was surprised, too), Sheila, Kirsten.

We end with highlights from the upcoming season. Looks awesome. Tears, scandal, drama, love, all the usual stuff.

My early pick for last girl standing: the nanny

My pick for girl most likely to have the affair with the show's producer: Ali

What are your thoughts? To help digest your thoughts (and perhaps your bile), maybe this will help: On the Wings of Love

See you next week!