Bachelor On The Wings of Love Episode 2: I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With Any Staffer.

You know, two hours is a long time to watch any television show, let alone one with such brilliance, intensity and drama as The Bachelor. It's actually a long time for a movie, especially if it's He's Just Not That Into You (or HJNTIY if that's your bag), which I think ran at close to two and a half hours. Oh yeah, I've watched it. Read the book, too. Don't worry - I don't live with fifty cats and my parents. Anymore. Or yet.

But I digress - the Bach is an interesting show to blog about because, let's be honest with one another, blog reader, there is no shortage of ridiculous, dramatic, emotional, hilarious and stupid moments on The Bachelor. In fact, they never end. Every single line, every look, every time Jake chortles, every time Chris tings his champagne glass...they're all blog worthy. But, in this day and age, who has time for reading long blog posts, other than me? So, out of respect for you, for Chris, for Jake, for the ladies, and for all the 'staffers' on the Bachelor, I'm going to pick my top 10 lines of tonight's episode and recap tonight's madcap adventure we affectionally call The Bachelor from there.

Enjoy, y'all.

1. My hands are disgustingly dripping with sweat right now, like a five year old getting ready for recess with his girlfriend. (Spoken by girl-next-door Christina at the start of the first group date, a photo shoot with In Style mag with six of the girls.)

Um, what? A five-year-old 'getting ready' for recess? With his girlfriend? What exactly does that look like? I do feel for Christina, because I'd probably feel the same way. I would probably rather be doing a math test, too. First of all, a photoshoot is not really a date. Any activity with five other girls around is not what I'd really call 'a date', but whatever. Christina getting wasted on said group date probably didn't help her case either.

2. I felt like I got the shaft. (Roz to Jake about the photoshoot on the group date.)

Yeah, insert your own punchline here, people.

3. Today, I can show Ali how calm and free aviation really is. Feelings are taking off. (Jake to no one in particular (the viewers, I guess) during his date with Ali.)

God, I love Jake and every word that comes out of his mouth. Like saying 'aviation' instead of 'flying'. I know, I know, don't sweat the small stuff. But I can't help it.

Sidebar: On the Wings of Love is truly a classic song. And yeah, I blogged about that last week. And then had that song in my head all last week. On the Wings of Love, only the two of us, together flying high. Flying high up on the wings of love. Guess what, you'll have that in your head now, too.

I apologize for thinking Ali would be the one who had an inappropriate relationship. I now like Ali. Nice work, Bach producers, nice work. Next up we have Chicago in a private concert. Saturday, in the park, I think it was the 4th of July...and then: You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration. I wanna have you near me, I wanna have you hear me say, no one needs you more than I need you. When you love somebody, till the end of time. Was one of those cats Peter Cetera? I think not. Peter Cetera would turn over in his grave if he heard that Chicago was playing on the Bachelor, save for the fact that he is still alive and well and not turning in a grave anytime soon.

4. You entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. That staffer is no longer working with us. (Chris Harrison to every single person he ran into on the set. Every. Single. Person.)

The line that will now go down as the most infamous one in Bachelor history. My first thought was, did Brad Womack get a job with the Bachelor? Because I could see Roz getting up his grill. Is that what the kids say? Grill? Whatever, you know I just like to bring up Brad Womack any chance I get. But back to the matter at hand. Chris Harrison deserves an Emmy for his performance in this episode alone. I'm not kidding. He has the best poker face ever. Awesome, awesome, awesome. I especially love how he says that she didn't just 'have' an inappropriate relationship, she 'entered' into one. Gasp. Why are the broads crying about this at the Rose Ceremony? I'd be laughing my ass off. And don't think I wouldn't. It's hilarious, Chris Harrison, I know you want to laugh, too.

5. It's naked and it's natural and it's me. (Elizabeth to Jake.)

Settle down, all you guys out there who pretend to hate the show but watch it faithfully every week. Ain't nobody getting naked. Yet. Elizabeth is just talking about what note writing means to her. I still like Elizabeth, and think she'll make it pretty far, plus the boots she was wearing at Six Flags were killer. But the whole note writing thing kind of lost a few points in my mind. Imagine if the tables were turned, and some dude read out a note he wrote. Oh wait a minute. Ryan Sutter anyone? Jason Mesnick probably? Ug. She did get her points back for her exchange with Jake during the fireworks. He's such a dolt, though. Seriously.

6. How could you not want to kiss me? (Said by Ashley (the PhD one, not the Miss America one) to the camera after Jake didn't take her bait.)

The bait being a look she gave him. Listen sister, I'm no expert in dudes, but a look is probably not going to cut it. He's was probably already looking the other way when said look was given. She's one part Maggie Gyllenhaal, one part Katie Holmes. I'll miss her. Oh. Spoiler Alert.

7. I have a rose, bee-yotch. (Said by Roz at the start of the Cocktail Party.)

Famous last words, Roz. Famous. Last. Words. Truthfully, I would hazard a guess (now who's being a dolt? Answer: Me.) that Roz probably didn't have sex with a staffer, but probably did violate some minor detail of her contract, which of course had to be played up to the nth degree, because really, without the Roz drama of this episode, what would we have been left with? Two hours that would have been better spent watching HJNTIY. Oh yeah, I went there. The show would have been that boring. Yawns all around. Even Michelle's drama-rama fell pretty flat.

8. She's friggin' Debbie Downer every single day, all day. (Said by Vienna about Michelle.)

Why is it that lines like this that win me over? Yes, Vienna is now in my 'hope she makes it far' column. But not too far. Let's not be ridiculous.

9. I don't think my personal life is really anyone's business. (Roz to Chris after 'The Confrontation'.)

I literally spit out my drink at this point. Um. Roz, when you signed a contract stating you'd be on a 'dating' show with 20 or so other 'contestants', I'm pretty sure your personal life just became my bizness, mmmkay? Thanks Roz. Now pack your bags and get the hell out of here. Don't let Chris-Bot's poker face distract you. He's been practicing that speech. He's probably drunk. But yeah, Roz, too bad. She definitely got the shaft on that one (Baaaa-zing!). Love how they show her packing. Was that the 'staffer' helping her pack? Hot stuff.

10 Can I get my rose back? (Jake to Chris after 'The Discussion'.)

Nice recovery, Jake. Way to not pull a Mesnick on this one. I gotta give him credit for that. Although...he did lean over the railing....no tears, though. Close to a Mesnick. So close. But not yet.

Bonus: I just hope giving Roz a rose is the only bad decision I've made so far. (Jake to me personally).

Um, you might be eating those words later, Jake.

And, the Cocktail Party comes to an abrupt end with Roz leaving. So. Cut to the Rose Giveaway:

Who Stays: Nanny Elizabeth, 'Friggin' Vienna, Gia, Tenley, Birthday Girl Ella, Valisha (forgot about her), Corrie (forgot about her too), Jessie (the Canuck), Ashleigh (Miss America), Michelle (whaaa?), and Kathryn (who?)

And Who Goes: Roz of course. Also Christina, and PhD Ashley.

Strange mix of girls to keep, no?