Hey y'all. How's it going? I decided that tonight, to challenge myself, I would watch the show in its entirety, without fastforwarding (or rewinding), just to see if I could do it. It's a two hour show, so let's not get ridiculous. Here are my thoughts, in 'real' time:
8:30 Previously, on The Bachelor….Chris’ gentle voice whispers in my ear and I look up to see the usual montage of clips from past episodes: bungee jumping, pool smooches, comedy club mischief (not), dissing Vienna, Vienna defending herself. Plus a warning from Jake about tonight: “You need to be prepared to get extremely dirty”. Oh Jake, you saucy minx. Also a preview of…wait for it…drama and a twist involving a serious tete-a-tete with Chris Harrison. Quite the bromance those two have going on. But whatevs with the drama, Jake, I’ll wait and judge for myself.
8:32 Chris joins the ladies in the living room to talk about the great dates lined up this week. The dreaded two-on-one date is mentioned. Chris makes a shocking announcement and the ladies rush outside. ROADTRIP, Y’ALL! Chris explains that they’re leaving the house. Forever. So, one of two things is going on: ABC couldn’t pay the lease on the sweet house or they couldn’t risk any more of the girls entering into relationships with staffers. Their new homes are two big ole trucks. Ella is fixin’ to get on these RVs, y’all. Spending that much time, on an RV, with this group of broads = NIGHTMARE.
8:35 First glass of champagne cracked. Well, the first onscreen glass of champagne. Personally, I’m well into my second bottle.
8:36 Jake’s on a motorcycle. We see him pull into a winery and up to an orange tent. Is this his new Bachelor pad? Wow, ABC really did not pay the rent and thankfully, no staffers in sight. Meanwhile, the girls speculate about who will go on the two-on-one date. Yawn.
8:39 Jake talks about how outdoorsy he is. Vienna is bold. The girls set up blue folding chairs and Gia reads her own date card: “Let’s go over the moon and over the stars”.
8:40 First commercial break. All I know is, Luke Wilson must owe someone a crap load of money.
8:42 We’re back and Jake is shaving his beard in the great outdoors. Of course, he changes his shirt and we catch a view of the abs. God I need a shot of tequila. Badly. Jake is such a rugged mountain man. He and Gia take off on a motorcycle.
8:44 They play hide and seek in the vineyard. No really, can you imagine doing this? So ridiculous. Maybe I’m just not romantic, but seriously, ridiculous. Jake carries her around the vineyard and they talk about fairy tales. Gia reveals (shocker) that she was a nerd back in the day. Jake reveals he was in the 11th grade when he had his first kiss. They play spin the bottle. Seems sincere. I mean, as sincere as you can be while dating eight other girls on a tv show.
8:48 commercial break. My finger itches to hit that fast forward on the PVR. How do you guys watch this show in its entirety, commercials and all. It’s killing me.
8:52 Back in Jake’s tent. Dinner is hot dogs and smores. All jokes aside, this is close to a ‘real date’. Closer than having a private performance with Chicago, or Martina McBride, or having dinner in Frank Sinatra’s house. Nice date, actually. But the rose looms large beside the fire. Will New York Gia get the rose? Gia tells Jake what she wants out of life; she’s got it all figured out, right down the pot bellied pig.
8:55 The girls read the group date card: Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna and Corrie (meaning the two-on-one date will be with Ella and Kathryn). Who the hell is Kathryn?
8:57 First rose of the long evening given to Gia. In the background, On the Wings of Love, muzak style. Jake says Gia is a complex city girl. What the hell is complex about city girls? In spite of her like/love for Jake I decide that I like Gia.
9:00 Commercial break.
9:02 Back in the RVs. We’re leaving the vineyard. Off to Pismo Beach. Nice map graphic, ABC, nice. Jake (or his stunt double) is riding his scooter down the beach. Did I say scooter? Yup. I did. Now the RVs are driving down the beach, going what looks to be 100 mph. Hope there’s no one lounging on the beach. Jake explains that this is one of the only beaches that you can drive on. Phew. I didn’t think Jake was a lawbreaker.
Anyhow…
9:06 The date is dune buggy driving. Jake chose this because he wants to see who is timid at driving dune buggies. Because that is really what makes a marriage solid: the ability to drive a dune buggy. I love the words: dune buggy. Dune. Dune. Dune. Buggy. Buggy. Buggy. Wow, this is a boring date.
Next up…
9:08 Sand surfing. Looks fun and Jake is making a connection, if you will, with Tenley. Some wine and food and then Corrie rolls down the hill with Jake. Literally, rolls down a sand hill. Corrie is really starting to open up. Or so says Jake.
9:10 Commercial break. I realize we are not even an hour into this show. Wow. Okay, I’m caving. Next commercial break I’m hitting the fast forward button, fo sho. I’ve got better things to do, like make a root beer float.
9:15 Jake says he loves dirty girls. Chortle chortle chortle. The group date continues at some random fun house and the girls clean up after their dirty day at the beach. The rose looms large, yet again. His first one-on-one is with Ashleigh. She is bold, physically, and Jake is not buying. Or maybe he is. Jake gives her a peck on the cheek. He admits (to the camera) that he’s not feeling the chemistry and they’re not progressing. Next is Ali. Jake seems exhausted mentally by all these crazy chicks and I don’t blame him. This is draining, and I’m just watching it.
9:20 Back at the campsite, Gia reads the two-on-one date card. The girls are stressed.
9:21 Tenley and Jake have some one-on-one time. Tenley has an ex-husband? I forgot about that. Or I didn’t care in the first place. Tenley seems alright. I gotta say, this episode is a bit boring. Where’s the drama?
9:23 Last but not least, Vienna. How come we didn’t see Jessie? Did I miss it? Jake tells Vienna that she’s bringing the hate from the other girls onto herself. He tells her to be careful what to say in front of the other girls.
9:25 And the rose goes to….Tenley.
9:26 Commercial break and I’m fast forwarding. Dear PVR, I’ve never loved you more.
9:26 (oh yeah, it’s that fast). Back in the RVs. Off to Big Sur (thanks again for the map, ABC). I know that I’ve said it before, but there’s no way Ella is 29. Having said that, I hope she sticks around. I try to think how I would be on a date like this. Sullen, flirty, chatty, serious, drunk, obnoxious, shy? All of the above?
9:31 The two girls are having dinner with Jake in his cabin. It’s sooo awkward at the table. It’s like Kathryn isn’t even there. I felt sorry for her until I remembered she signed up for a reality tv show that involved competing with other women for one guy.
9:35 After Ella gives her speech, Kathryn and Jake have some one-on-one time. There’s tension but Jake doesn’t see it coming. Kathryn lays into him, or tries to, but she caves.
9:37 Commercial break + FF
9:37 Jake is leaning over a railing, trying to make a decision.
9:38 That was quick – he decides to send Ella home, not before giving her the old ‘you are such an amazing person; truly a complete package’. I’m not that surprised, Ella and her red satin jacket wouldn’t have made it that long in the forest anyhow.
9:41 Back to Kathryn. She thinks she’s safe. I think she’s safe. But no, a curveball. Jake sends her home, too. Nice move, Jake. Nice. She gives him the classic “I think you’re making a mistake” but I think not. Jake stands by it and she leaves.
9:43 Are Kathryn and Ella on opposite sides of the same limo?
9:45 Commercial break, but not before Jake throws the rose in the fire. Wow. Dramatic.
9:45 Seven girls remain; only one girl will go home tonight (I predict Jessie). They arrive at a gorgeous mansion for the Rose Ceremony. Jake needs a shot. So do I, just to wake up. Wow this is a boring episode.
9:48 One-on-one time with Corrie. Jake likes her but admonishes her for not opening up. Do you like how I used ‘admonishes’. Classic.
9:49 Ali has one-on-one time next.
9:51 Jessie uses her one-on-one time to diss Vienna.
9:52 My husband walks into the room: “That show isn’t over yet??”
9:53 Vienna’s one-on-one time.
9:54 Still waiting for the drama that was promised to me.
9:55 Commercial break
9:56 The Rose Ceremony begins with four roses to hand out. Jake is sheepish and gives The Speech.
9:57 Third rose (first of the Rose Ceremony): Ali
9:58 Fourth rose: Corrie
9:59 Fifth rose: Jake can’t do it; he needs a minute. I’m starting to see why this cat is single. Jake meets up with Chris; he needs advice. Jake wants to get rid of two girls, what do the rules say? Chris puts on his best poker face and then…
10:01 Commercial break
10:01 Chris says that Jake can send two home (I’m paraphrasing, naturally. Watch the show if you want to see what he really said). Is this the drama? Not so dramatic. We’re down to Vienna, Ashleigh and Jessie. Only one rose.
10:03 Ladies, Jake, blog readers, this is now the final rose of the night.
10:04 Final rose: Vienna. No surprises here, Jessie (who we barely heard from) and Ashleigh are headed home. The girls spend the rest of the time stunned about Jake’s ‘decision’ to keep Vienna around.
Next week: San Fran and more Vienna bashing.
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