Is it just me, or is this season officially the worst season ever? Zero drama, dull dude, forgettable girls, definitely not enough Chris Harrison. Ug. Plus that whole fiasco with Rozco and The Staffer has forced everyone to do the rest of the show the road, and let’s be honest: nobody likes road trips. At least not when the road trip involves crazy chicks and one guy, especially when you’re one of the crazy chicks and all you do is sit around with the other crazy chicks, talking smack and wondering when said guy might make an appearance. I want a hot bachelor (think Brad Womack or Graham Bunn), and girls that actually might have a brain and maybe something interesting to say about it (I do like Corrie though, so that probably means she’s doomed). How about some damn date boxes – no more date ‘cards’ - and maybe some more creative dates like a hot-dog eating contest or a marathon? Yes. A marathon, followed immediately by a hot-dog eating contest. That would be entertaining. And isn’t that what we’re all here for? Do you really honestly care if Jake finds someone to spend his life with? Sure, of course, we all say that we do, but come on. I’d rather be entertained. People fall in love all the time, or so eHarmony tells me. But Vienna eating fifty hot dogs in half an hour? You can’t buy a ticket to that kind of show. Well, maybe you could. But it won’t happen, I know. Sigh. So given such a boring season, how will I ever find ten moments to blog about? Oh I’ll do it. Plus my double gin and tonic will be helping. Come on, y’all, I can’t be watching this thing sans alcohol. Nope.
Ok, ok, I’m slacking. Let me drain this drink, hit play on the PVR, and get started on ten random thoughts:
1. Tenley is positive all the time. Tenley admits that she learned a good lesson from her first marriage: not to take someone for granted. She asks him what he expects from marriage: respect, always have his back, love and honour, etc. He says that ‘A marriage is never going to be perfect, but the love can be’. I might have had one too many gin and tonics, but I actually liked that line. Definitely too much gin in that last one. ‘Pilots and faithfulness: cheating is a choice; the woman that I marry will be the last women I look at’. Undoubtedly not true, but his intentions were good, so I guess I have to give it to him on that one. I do admire Tenley for actually asking some real questions of the cat who potentially could fork over an engagement ring in a week or two. Not like some of the other crazy chicks who just smile and swoon and don’t ask anything at all. Wouldn’t want to appear contrary. That’s no way to land a man.
2. My final comment about the date with Tenley and Jake: I’ve been down one or two back alleys in Chinatown and they are NEVER that clean and there is NEVER an old Chinese man playing a traditional Chinese instrument. You’ll see lots of other weird crap but no way, not that.
3. Corrie’s joke was awesome: ‘Ali and Vienna – come be the queens in my castle. PSYCH!!’ It’s really Gia and Vienna who are going on the two-on-one but I’ll admit that a date with both Ali and Vienna is exactly what this season needed. However, Vienna and Ali chat and I’m starting think that both of these chicks are crazy. Ali accuses Vienna of talking badly about the girls in the house, even though we only see Ali trash talk Vienna. It stuns me that these girls are indignant that other girls getting close to ‘their man’. Um. That’s the whole premise of the show, girlies. Deal with it. He ain’t nobody’s man until that rock makes an appearance.
4. Let’s talk about Vienna for a minute. I don’t care about the topless pictures of her floating around the internet, or the speculation that she’s a dude or whatever. She’s probably harmless. But she really should lose the blonde locks. Please, Vienna, if you’re around as one of the final two, please please please become a brunette – would look soooo much better.
5. Oh my god, I spoke too soon. An actual date box shows up for Vienna and Gia. A big ole trunk full of clothes for the girls to choose from for their date. Suhweet. And then, they’re off in the limo, with the two girls sitting dangerously close to one another, until Vienna sticks her head out the window to smell the breeze. Kidding, kidding she doesn’t do that (too bad, because part of me thinks she actually did and the editors were like – can we leave that in? We can’t leave it in. But it would be hilarious. Let’s do it, let’s leave it in. Noooo, we can’t). The date itself is at a vineyard. Didn’t we already do a winery type thing? With Gia, spinning bottles? There better be some damn hot dogs somewhere up in that castle, served up by Chris Harrison.
6. Love how Gia calls him on his signature move: how he likes to put the girl’s legs on his lap when they’re talking. (Sidebar: for the male blog readers out there: chicks really do dig this move). Gia wonders how she can feel special when he does that with all the other girls. He recovers poorly from that one. Actually, he totally sidesteps it by going overboard with the compliments. But what else could he do? As they kiss, Vienna gets lost somewhere in the castle. Later, Vienna sneaks into bed with Jake while Gia stays behind. We unfortunately learn that Jake sleeps with his Timex on, that he says things like ‘I’m just about nekkid’, and that he admits to having dirty thoughts about Vienna. I start to wonder about Jake’s past relationships. Or lack thereof. Oh yeah, I went there.
7. Total sidebar since I usually skip all the commercials, but what does it say about me that I’m kind of looking forward to the movie Valentine’s Day? Hmmm… I’ll tell you what it says about me: I also like the show Cougar Town. There. I’ve outted myself. Feels much better.
8. Vienna talks about what she wants from her marriage. How old is this girl? She seems a lot younger than the rest. She seems like she doesn’t have a ‘real’ concept about what marriage really would be like. Did I just write that sentence, like I somehow give a crap about Vienna’s ideals about marriage? Wow. Where’s my gin & tonic?
9. Corrie has a one-on-one date with Jake. I like Corrie but I’ll admit that I PVR’d most of the way through this one. I just can’t watch boring dates for two straight hours. So hard. Even from my fast-forwarding, I could tell there was no kiss and no chemistry. Awkward. I stop just in time to hear her tell Jake she’s a virgin and to see a kiss. I admire the hell out of her on all counts but Jake is not the right guy for her. Not at all. He reassures her that her virginity is not an issue for him but I call bullsh*t. Sorry to all the kids out there who are avid readers of my blog – and you probably make up most of my fanbase. I shouldn’t have sworn. My apologies.
10. Ali gets to have a one-on-one date in her hood. Best line: I’m so ready to give Jake my heart, my soul, my
We see the usual boring party before the roses are forked out and then: Tenley, Ali, Gia, Vienna. No surprise that Corrie is going home. To all the young girls out there, the lesson is this: it’s still okay to save yourself for marriage, and don’t ever go on a reality tv show. Ever.
Now that we’re down to four girls and hometown dates, time to put yourselves out there blog readers, and make your call for last cat standing.
My pick: Tenley
Unless Vienna changes her hair colour.
I’m not kidding, either.
Also, does each season gets shorter and shorter? Here's to hoping that next season's Bach is just one episode long. Or perhaps a three-night mini-series. Ahhh, the long lost mini-series.
