The Bachelorette Ali Episode Four: Poor, stupid Kasey

Alright, confession time: I almost forgot the Bachelorette was on tonight. True story. Busy night I guess. Thankfully, the PVR did not forget. So, let’s settle in with some popcorn and gin and watch the show. Now, normally I blog after I watch the entire episode, but tonight, I promise to blog as I watch so that I’m as shocked and surprised by the dramatic twists and turns as you are. Don’t go choking on your popcorn when I say that. I’m serious, yo.

(Sidebar: I’m still going to use the PVR to skip commercials. Unless said commercials involve pictures of Zac Efron poolside or Cristiano Ronaldo’s new Armani ads. Google that, people, you won’t be disappointed. Go ahead, I’ll wait.)

So, with thoughts of Zac and Cristiano running in my head, I hit play on the old PVR and what do I see? Previews of David Hasselhoff and his upcoming gig in Young and the Restless. Karma, you mock me!

First up, we learn that the guys get kicked out of the Bach Pad and get set to travel the world. I hope all these clowns have their passports up to date. Then my mind starts to drift to thoughts of the Amazing Race and who I think would win. I’d like to see Chris L and Kirk team up, maybe Justin and the Weatherman, just for fun. Frank could team up with the Travelocity gnome. You know, whatever. But no such luck. Just a bunch of high five-ing (like that’s a word) and Chris L talking about home field advantage.

I love New York City, so I’m jealous. Then I learn that Ali is getting a makeover from InStyle mag, which would be awesome, and so I’m even more jealous. We also see the guys clowning around on the plane. Dumbasses. I’m sure they were probably hamming it up for the camera, and I’m hoping in reality that most of the guys slept all the way there, and I know that somebody probably watched Valentines Day and cried at the end when Julia Roberts meets up with her…no worries, I won’t spoil it for you. And as if that somebody wasn’t Jonathan.

Date card: Kermit gets a one-on-one date. Ug. Not one of my favourites, this Kasey guy. Mostly it’s because of his voice, but also because of the editing to make me think he’s a weirdo who grunts at gorillas, stalks the one ex-girlfriend he’s got, and thinks God put him on the earth for the sole reason to protect and guard Ali. Lovely. Still single, Kermit? Surprising.

So, is the editing truthful? Mostly yes. First of all, the helicopter thing has been way overdone on this show but to see NYC by helicopter is pretty cool. Would love to do that in my lifetime. Then I hear Kasey comparing Ali to a butterfly expanding her wings and I’m back to reality. And then…the best thing ever…dude breaks into song. And then…even better…Ali giggles awkwardly. Oh man, you can actually see Ali dying a little bit inside. Love it. Suck on that, Glee!

Next up, a Night at the Museum, sans Ben Stiller. And then, the kiss of death: Kermit asks Ali what she sees for the rest of her life. Her answer: what do YOU see for the rest of your life? Oh poor dude, you are so not getting a rose.
Back at the ranch, the group date card surfaces: Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, and Ty. The message: Let’s Play! Dudes are high five-ing (again with that word) and grunting and such.

Back at the museum, Kermit continues to live up to his editing. Zero chemistry and he’s still working like a dog to convince her that she should choose him. This is rather un-comfortable. Best line: It’s just my heart – jump in – stay awhile. And then: more singing! Are you kidding me with this crap? Oh man, my finger is itching to hit fast forward. Seriously, Ali, send this guy packing! Stop prolonging this insanity. Finally she has the conversation and she totally kills me: she doesn’t fork over a rose, but she’s not going to send him home either. You gotta know that Chris Harrison is somewhere behind the camera, frantically flipping through his well-worn copy of the Rule Book (with heavy highlights on the chapter on staffers, naturally), wondering what the hell just happened. But seriously, she’s essentially saying that she’s just going to make this easier on herself and reject Kasey at the rose ceremony. Class act, Ali. Class. Act.

And now, the Group Date. It starts in Time Square where Ali appears on the big screen in pseudo soft-porn footage and the guys learn that they have to find her. I had my hopes up for a scavenger type hunt but they basically turn around and see her staring at them. Weak.

They head over to the Lion King and the guys try out, not for the show, which would have been awesome, but for a date with Ali. Jonathan claims he’s going to nail this audition, and I totally believe him. Up first, the dance competition. Meh. Next, singing. So very bad. Until Jesse. Has Jesse ever even got any screen time on this show? I swear I’ve never seen him before. I’d like to see more. And as usual, Roberto is hot. Out of Ali’s league, and I’m wondering when he’s going to pull the switch, so he still gets picked for the next Bachelor but not as Ali’s husband. Are all the guys wearing different colour shirts because nobody wants to learn their names? Cuz I’m down with that. In fact, I respect that.

Roberto wins the date and what a surprise, they get to appear in Lion King. What is up with Ali’s costume? Whoa. Also loved the converted janitor’s closet with the Ali gold star taped on the door. Awesome. And why are the dudes sitting out in the lobby and not in the theatre? Something is not adding up, methinks.

After the Broadway show, everybody heads up to some private room for drinks, tension, and one-on-one time. Ali’s not feeling well and Jonathan is worried that he won’t get his chance. Roberto steals the show by making a better weather-related joke than the Weatherman himself. Frank moves up in the rankings. Kirk continues to seem like a pretty good guy. Ali decides not to give out a rose tonight. Somewhere, Chris Harrison throws the rule book right out of the window. Kirk gets to tuck Ali in but doesn’t spend the night. Guess what Kirk, you just bought yourself a ticket to the final three.

Second one-on-one date goes to the birthday boy: Chris L. I’m loving this guy. Just realized that I picked the wrong Chris in a Bachelorette pool I’m in. Damn! But I’m loving Chris L and I hope he doesn’t disappoint. Turns out that Ali is the one who disappoints since she’s too sick to go on the big date, but Chris L still gets an invite to look after her. Call me a sap, but this is a nice date. Obviously I’m biased because I like him, but this is cozy. They bond. After a miraculous recovery, they go out on their date, which is great. The one thing that I can be critical about is this: the dude pretty much pours his heart out, you can tell he never talks about emotional ‘stuff’, he gets a tear in his eye talking about his mother dying, and she doesn’t even make any move to comfort him. Weird. In spite of that, they have a great date, and he gets a rose. They end the date with a private concert with Joshua Radin, who I’ve never heard of, but sounded pretty amazing.

Kasey’s off getting a tattoo of a shield protecting a heart. Jackass. The editors must love this guy. He thinks the ink will help Ali ‘open up’ to him. Again, a jackass. Also, if you don’t want the guys to know you got a tattoo, try wearing a long sleeved shirt. Just sayin’. Justin calls him a fibber. Not kidding, a fibber.

Finally we get to the Rose Ceremony party and Ali is working overtime on the boob tape. I’m not yet feeling the love for Ali. What is she bringing to the table, other than a job at Facebook? And then, more singing and guitar playing, from the Weatherman this time. Why, Weatherman, why? Because he’s more of a singer/songwriter, yo. I’m starting to get excited for Kasey to do the big reveal. She’d better puke right in his face. But first we have to see a confrontation between Kasey and Justin and I’m not surprised that Kasey cracks. I love the camera shot that shows how much Kasey is sweating. I’m stunned that none of the guys laugh out loud when the tattoo makes an appearance. Best detail: there are 11 stones on the tattoo, representing the top 11 guys. Top 11, yo, top 11. This, right here, is why I watch this show. And now, the reveal to Ali: starts with a half-eaten bag of candy, too much talking by Kasey, and then….Frank interrupts before we see the tattoo. Damn it, Frank!

Who stays: Chris L (lovely), Kirk (obviously), Frank (clean your glasses dude), Craig (no comment on this cat), Chris N (the Chris I picked in my pool – what??), Roberto (bonjour), Justin (try not to look too surprised), Ty, and Kasey (can’t wait for that shoe to drop).

Who goes: The Weatherman and Jesse, who talks for the first time, about missing his dogs.

Next week: Kirk’s got a secret (my prediction is either an ex-fiancée or a child…maybe both) and Kasey continues to be a lunatic.