The Bachelorette Season Who Cares, Episode 1: Warming Up

Hey y'all.

I know, I know. It's been awhile. What can I say? That I've been busy? Hmm...not really. That I haven't been watching tv? Ha. Oh lord, I still watch waay too much TV. Love my pvr. Just haven't been into blogging. Too many spoilers out there (ahem, Reality Steve) to get too worked up.

And yet here I am. The sound of ChrisBot's* gentle voice brought me out of my blog silence. And so I just can't help it. Please stick with me, dear Perogy readers, as I warm up the blog and share with you just a few of my thoughts, albeit somewhat rambling, from tonight's episode.

First of all, the previews for the upcoming season look uber dramatic, no surprise there. But don't get sucked in just yet. We all know that the editors know what they are doing. They take next to nothing footage, slap on a clip with an ambulance in it, and boom: I now have to watch every episode to see what happens. Nice work, editors. But, let me put out this plea: Please stop with the fake leaning-on-a-rail/sitting-on-a-rock/gazing-out-of-a-window/sipping-a steaming-cup-of-whatever/staring-off-into-the-sunset scenes where we are supposed to believe someone is pondering how they will ever find their true love. Normal people don't do this. Normal people may do this while sitting at their desk at work, or after too many drinks at the bar, or standing in line for coffee, or doing laundry, or just generally carrying out their normal life, or not at all. Enough, editors, enough. No one is buying it.

ChrisBot is one of my favourite tv personalities. Not sure if personality is the right word - maybe I should say staffer. I really do like him, but he needs a better writer. Think about it. I'm pretty sure he would have next to nothing to say if the following words and phrases were verboten: Shocking. Drama(tic). Connection. Open and honest. Tough decision. Ready to find love. (Not) here for the right reasons. Up next. And Then. Just hand that out when you're ready. Gentlemen, Ali, this is the final rose. I'm sure many more will unearth themselves by the end of this season, but the list has begun.

Is being an outdoorsman a real job? I suppose it's a mash up of angler, trapper, fisher, hunter, Cabela's shopper, but huh. Didn't know that was a way to make a living. I guess it's true that you do learn something every day. You go, Hunter. Oh wait, Hunter is the Internet Account Executive. Kyle is the outdoorsman. You go, Kyle. But lose the faux fishing rod schtick. Weak.

Speaking of the cats, can we talk about the Canadian boys for a minute? Listen, we are all Canucks and all of that, but out of the three that are Canadian, only one even stands a chance. Chris H. No, not Chris Harrison, but Chris H from Vancouver. Early favourite. I'm just putting that out there. No specific reason, just a feeling. Justin, another Canuck, who doubles as The Wrestler, seems alright but I just cannot get Mickey Rourke out of my mind. And not the hot Mickey Rourke, but the greasy, bleached, scarred and washed up Mickey Rourke. Shudder. And I can't even speak about Craig M except for the fact that I'm never going to Brazen Head pub. Ever. Gross.

More on the cats: Kasey has a frog in his throat. Frank's wild but I don't mind him, actually. Roberto is sexy. Jonathan is a weatherman and he's also an early favourite. Jay has terrible hair, as does Craig M. Terrible! But what I really want to talk about is all these similarly-named guys. Three guys named Chris, two Craigs, two Dereks, two Jasons, two Johns, and three Ty(lers). What up with that? I thought I might go check out google to see what the most popular names were like, 27 years ago, but then I realized that 27 years ago was 1983 and then I felt old and then I quit caring about the names.

Plus, are you with me here, people: People on this show have got to be lying about their real ages, Catherine Zeta-Jones style. I'm not great at guessing people's ages, but some of these cats look a lot older than they claim to be.

Also, if you're nickname is Shooter, keep the explanation to yourself. 'Nuff said.

A note to the producers: I'm thinking it might be time to get rid of the limo entrance scenes. Yes, it's a great way to kill an hour. Yes, it's a great way to see the 'first meeting', but I like it better when it's The Bach and we can check out the dresses and hairstyles of all the girls but with 25 guys it's just not the same. I'd rather see a quick montage of all the bios of all the guys (like the editors do with a select few). Are you listening, editors?

Sidebar: Chris Harrison doesn't say it, but I've already heard it too much from everyone else on the show: 'I gave up my apartment/condo to be here'. Suck it, people. Who cares? Is that really what people say to each other these days? 'Look, I don't care if you like me or whatever, but I gave up my apartment to be here. Do you hear me? My APARTMENT. You have to love me.' First of all, I don't understand why people have to give up apartments and such. Can't you sublet? Cover the rent? Is the economy that bad? I think I've officially found my new drinking game for this show. Can't use any of the words that I mentioned previously for Chris Bot, we'd all be drunk half an hour in. But hearing 'Giving up my apartment/condo/my life' = one gin and tonic. Oh yes, I'mma gonna like this season. Might need more gin, though.

Speaking of hard economic times, I wonder if ABC rents out the House for Bachelor(ette) parties. I mean real parties, natch. Would be a fun time, no?

I was a bit surprised that Justin was chosen as most likely to be on the show for the wrong reason. Whaaaa??? Is this the editors doing their magic or did I miss something?

Sidebar: Given all the reality show crossovers and inbreeding and the like, would anyone watch if there was a Celebrity Bachelor or Bachelorette? I'm imagining one famous person and 25 'regular' people. And who would you like to see on said show? I was going to say Boston Rob since I'm totally trying to start a rumour that he's going to be on the next Celebrity Apprentice but then I remembered: wife AND child. Scratch that. But imagine: The Donald. Boston Rob. Sly glances between Boston Rob and Ivanka. The Boardoom. Think about it. Then tell all your friends about it.

Second choice for Celebrity Bachelor: Jimmy Kimmel. Tell me you wouldn't watch that season. Seriously. Who wouldn't watch it? I'm pretty sure even Brad Womack would come out of hiding to make an appearance on that one. And who wouldn't want that?

So who's left at the end of the first show: Roberto (yes), Justin, Jesse (yes), Ty (meh), Craig R (seriously?), Tyler V (yes), Frank (sure okay), Steve (who?), Chris L (yes!), Kirk (who?), John C (okay), Chris N (not Chris Noth, not by a long shot), Chris H (phew), Hunter (I guess so - not kidding, that's what he said when she asked if he would accept the rose), Craig M (girlfriend at home?), Jonathan, and the final rose goes to....wait for it...Kasey (ribbit).

My three early favourites are still standing. Jonathan, the weatherman, because he seems the most like Jake. Chris H, from Vancouver - not sure why, just like him. And Chris L, but I'm not sure if I like his move to not mention his mother's recent passing when he had a chance. Part of me respects it a lot, but another part of me is just not sure. Still deciding.

See y'all next week!

*ChrisBot is a nickname I like to use for Chris Harrison. Like him a lot, but his poker face sometimes just kills me. There are so many times that I think he'd rather literally spit out his drink and laugh out loud, but no. Dude keeps the straightest face ever. Love him.