Don't worry about Saturday - it'll be a good day

Interesting. I'm not sure where to start. I'd like to give the benefit
of the doubt to the Bach, but I may be a little too cynical to do that.
Maybe the Bach is honest. Maybe the Bach is sincere. But he's also a
smooth talking dude who evades questions before they're even asked and
uses his crap behaviour to try to come off looking good. And I'm sorry
to say that we all know guys like this. Not to generalize - but come
on, haven't we all had a guy say the most amazing things to us. Like -
wow, you're the kind of girl I want to marry some day and I never
thought I'd meet such an amazing girl...and in the same breath,
turnaround and say, but you deserve better or I just don't want to get
married just yet. Or, at least I've heard that - maybe I just confessed
something that no one else has felt. Uncomfortable.

Anyhow.

Other random thoughts:

There wasn't a lot of new material on the show - lots of recaps and highlights.  So, not a ton to comment on.

Trista+Ryan and the Other.Couple - weak attempt at the show trying to save face.  Obviously.

Jenni came off looking good - she seems a lot more well adjusted than I
gave her credit for. And her poor grandma, I'm embarassed to say I
cried for her. Love Grandmas!!!

The Hot Brother has a Hot Wife.  Nice work, Chad.

There were some unattractive babes in the audience (do those two words
cancel each other out?). But really, not a great looking audience - and
I think Fergie Ferg was also in the audience. Yikes.

I'm still in love with DeAnna - she did well considering how angry and heartbroken she obviously still is/was.

Nice awkward moment with Jenni came back out and he put is arm around her for a split second. 

And now, the Bach. Wow. This guy is the smoothest talking clown I've
ever seen. This cat has an evasive answer for anything. FYI, dude,
don't mistake looking and speaking intensely with actually being
sincere. That crap just doesn't wash with me. Seriously - there are no
words. 'I don't have a formula for falling in love, man'. Nice line,
Bach. Any dude who tries to play off saying some of things he said to
these two girls before rejecting them both as "I think you of all
people, DeAnna, should respect that I took the higher ground, here".
Um....seriously - this guy has a had A LOT of experience talking to
starry eyed ladies at his clubs.

There's a George Bush quality to this guy - something about the way he
talks, over enunciating, interrupting Chris-Bot's questions like:

Chris-Bot: "Don't you think you came off looking like a "
Bach (Nodding): "Sure, I sure did"
Chris-Bot: "Jerk?"
Bach: Not really addressing the question, just answering really
evasively, looking for sympathy: "No one's as heartbroken as me".

Ug. I don't feel like talking about him anymore. Plus I'm late for
curling. So I might blog more later, once I've settled down a little.
Stupid show. But as if I won't be watching it again in the spring.

The moment we've all been waiting for...um, no

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute here, wait just a dang minute, y’all.
Whoa. I just need to catch my breath here, Chris-Bot, just stop the
limo for a second. I might need a cigar or something. Maybe a shot of
tequila. Whoa. What kind of ending…whoa.

Okay.

I’m ready.

Wow.  No I’m not.

Okay, now I’m ready.

So…the episode starts with the Bach at his oceanfront rental property
(as if he owns that place) and I’m thinking – I really don’t stand on
my balcony, drinking coffee and thinking about life as much as I
should. Actually, I don't do that at all. Then the Bach’s family shows
up – mom, the twin, and the ‘little’ brother Wes. For a split second I
thought Wes was actually the dad, but then I had a mini-flashback to
the start of the season and I remember something about a double-wide
trailer and an absent dad.

DeAnna (that’s pronounced Dee-Ah-Na, kind of like Ahn-dre-a from 90210)
is the first to show up to meet the family and it seems to go really
well. The mom and DeeDee are getting along well, the boys are hamming
it up by the pool (oh yeah, I said hamming) and the Hot Twin (Chad)
rips his shirt pushing his brother in the pool. Where is the brother’s
wife, I’m wondering. Suspicious. Anyhow, a wet Bach says goodbye to
DeAnna and says some sappy things to her that I’ve already forgotten,
given the way the show ends. But, I digress…

Up next is Jenni – she’s a little too giggly for me and gets a little
too fidgety when the word ‘love’ comes up. I’m not sure why I put love
in quotations there, but I might be a little bit bitter, perhaps. It’s
almost as if it were me who didn’t get the final rose. Actually, I
didn’t get the final rose, and I’m still too wound up about the final
outcome. Whoa. Okay, I’m ready to continue….

So – Jenni – I still like her, but she ends every sentence in either a
giggle or in a question…and she did sit down a tad bit too close to
Mama Womack on the couch, so I still can’t get into her. I’m still too
much in love with DeAnna. But the family meeting goes alright, pretty
predictable I guess, what with the tossing of the football and all.

After the commercial break – DeAnna is making the last supper for Brad
in the two-bedroom rental that her and Jenni are renting. I’m not
kidding – if you check out the décor, you’ll notice it’s pretty much
the same in both (except for the kitchen). Off-camera, DeAnna talks
about how excited she is just to spend ‘normal’ nights with the Bach,
watching tv, and chatting about who left the toilet seat up and all the
cutesy stuff. I imagine a slightly different picture – the Bach and
DeeDee cozied up on the couch, watching old episodes of the Bach, and
when they’re watching the Fantasy Suite Episode, some…tension…if you
will:

D-squared: So…what happened with the other girls (all coy and flirty, trying to come off like she doesn’t care).
Bach:  Well…you know it doesn’t matter and I really do want to respect all the girls I slept with before rejecting them…I mean…
D-squared (slightly more tense): Oh, no you didn’t, y’all
Bach (sweating a little, hoping Chris-Bot mysteriously shows up):…well….
D-squared (now snapping): Yeah, well, just so you know, the night you
spent with Bettina, Jenni and I were out with your bro and Chris-Bot,
and we drank a crap load of ouzo and I’m not really sure who’s bed I
woke up in.

Wow, I’m fired up.  But you probably are too, if you watched this episode. Did you see the ending?

Next up…the last supper with Jenni. What is up with her tattoo? I
couldn’t quite figure out what the hell it was – a happy face, a heart,
and a scribbled circle? Um…different, I guess. And then.....the diary.
Okay, honestly. Next time, a tip: try Phoenix Suns front-row season
tickets for the Bach and his brothers instead of an excerpt from the
diary. She did pour her heart out, though, which was good, I thought.
And she did say she 'loved' him. Again with the quotations.

Then the Bach goes shopping for rings – on Rodeo Drive – in a limo- and
again I’m thinking of Pretty Woman. What’s yo dream? Everybody gotta
dream. Oh, Richard Gere, what have you been up to these days?

The Bach goes to Chopard, looks at a few rocks, and picks out a nice
one. No sarcasm, there, it’s pretty nice. Either girl would love to get
it…or maybe just let it sit in the box, you know, Brad, whichever, no
pressure.

And then – the final scene. I’m tense, as usual. I’m leaning really
close to the tv, I mean really close. Jenni is first out. Chris is
back! Hooray! Jenni walks up to the Bach, they chat a little, and then
the music stops. I’m even more tense. And Jenni gets rejected. Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. She’s upset , he whispers something in her ear, and she
leaves in the limo (Sidebar: weird film editing in the limo, no?)

Then…DeAnna shows up, and I’m excited because, as you know, I’m in love
with her and I think she’s got it in the bag, and the Bach starts
giving her the speech, you know, leading her on if you will, then has a
moment of weakness or clarity or whatever, and says goodbye to DeeDee
as well.

Wow. 

For once, Chris-Bot was reading the truth from the teleprompter – this was the Most.Dramatic.Episode.Ever

.
I’m a bit stunned, and I feel cheated. The only redemption would have
been, in the final credits, if DeeAnna had gone back to the apartment,
only to find a wasted Jenni and the entire Phonix Suns basketball team,
playing stip poker or something equally debaucherous. Take that, Bach!

So, I’m a bit torn – was Brad sincere, did he wimp out, or could he quite possibly be the Smoothest.Bachelor.Ever?

Short and sweet

Since the show was mostly just filler and clips from previous episodes,
I'm only going to do a quick top ten of the Tell.All. I would love to
hear who everyone thinks the Bach is going to pick in next week's
finale. Please comment.

Top 10 thoughts:

1. I like Chris-Bot. Although he read the teleprompter a tad too much,
when he was being spontaneous he was actually a bit witty (the sky
writing joke or the ‘f’ word comment, for instance).

2. I totally think Sheena will be the next Bachelorette

3. McCarten is a smug beeatch…what a surprise (not). Come on
girlfriend, you’re on a reality show, you’re first name is McCarten,
you don’t understand how one man can be your husband and father your
children, you didn’t even make it close to the hometown dates, and
you’re smug about it? Puhhlease.

4. Bettina’s hair is looking great – but don’t worry, her dad is still
a jerk. And as much as I am into the Bach I actually admired how she
didn’t foam at the mouth like the rest of the girls (and me, come to
think about it) about him.

5. Audience questions are stupid.  Enough said.

6. I still think the brother is better looking than the Bach (all
twin-ness aside). A little more tanned and clean shaven. Wow. Yes.

7. The Bach does well – he’s confident, humble and honest and says ALL
the right things to the girls. Seriously – he really had some well
thought out answers. Made we wonder if he got a heads up on some of the
girls’ questions. (Sidebar: Kimberly, I knew this guy would grow on you
– love your (over) analysis!)

8. For all of Hillary’s craziness and meltdowns, I would love to hit
the town with her. Seriously, she would be a total blast to party with.

9. Chris was speaking directly to me when he said they need help finding the next Bach.

10. I personally would rather have Deanna as a best girl friend (she’s
awesome and I might be in love with her) but I think his feelings for
Jenni are stronger…so I say he'll pick Jenni. I would be happy to be
wrong on that one. I really am falling in love with Deanna.

Sidebar: I love the preview of next week when he’s talking to each girl
at the mock altar: totally gives nothing away! Stupid show, I love it.
So…who do you think he’s going to pick?

I Miss Chris

Remember when tv shows were scheduled to be an hour long? And there
were like, only two or three commercials during each commercial break?
And you’d tape shows on your beta and break off the little tab on the
tape so no one could tape over it? Yeah, me neither.

So – the first fifteen minutes of the show aren’t actually part of the
show. They’re more like an extended commercial…an infomercial, if you
will…with the Bach chatting it up about the girls, some clips from
episodes gone by (I had just about blocked the acrobatic-flexible girl
from my mind…yikes), and some really bad music playing in the
background. Was this Chris Harrison’s first attempt at editing? I must
say that he should stick to his day job, which given the lack of
appearance in this episode (was there even a voiceover?) is pretty
sweet. But back to that acrobatic girl for a minute – do you think the
directors made her reshoot that scene because the first time she wasn’t
wearing the black leggings? Or did she go into the date thinking: ‘oh
yes, I’m totally pulling out my A-game tonight and doing the backbend.
No dude can resist that. I better put on the leggings.’)

The real show begins…at 7:15ish. Eveyone is in Cabo San Lucas. It looks
pretty impressive, seriously. This week are the overnight dates, so
there are no date boxes. At least not ones that we get to see. The
first date is with Jenni and her and the Bach get to swim with
dolphins. Jenni is loving it because it’s just her and Brad. Just the
two of them. Um. I won’t mention the trainer or the camera crew or even
the dolphin. Except I just did. But back to the date – it looks like
fun, but I’ve been swimming with dolphins (in Cuba – Nicole I hope
you’re reading this) and it’s fun, but it’s not like that. I remember
sitting in a small boat that was being driven by a couple of drunk
Cubans who didn’t speak any English, in some rough waters for…quite
awhile…and then being ‘dropped off’ quite literally in the middle of
nowhere – no land in sight, the water is super cold and very dark and
there are some cement ‘silos’ in the water. Wrong on a lot of levels.
And then, we climbed down a rickety ladder into the silo and into the
water and we can see some dolphins, but mostly I can just feel them
brushing against my feet or nosing me in the kidneys. Interesting
experience.

So…Jenni. I like her – she’s an easy choice, as I’ve said before, and
they seem to have a good chemistry (I mean, really, any girl that could
use the phrase ‘do you have something special in your pocket or are you
happy to see me?’ successfully is going to go far). So they spend the
night together, and I start to think what I always think at this point
in the season…imagine he and the girl he picks watching these episodes
– it’s got to get a bit uncomfortable. I know what you’re thinking:
what were the girls thinking when they joined the show - they should
know better - yadda yadda yadda. But still, it's gotta be uncomfortable.

Up next is Bettina. I don't get Bettina, I really don't. And I know I'm
more guilty of this than any girl I know, but her hair is so bad. So
bad. Their date is neither here nor there (great expression), and I
don't like her much so I don't pay too much attention to the date. I do
like how the Bach calls her out on some things, but I don't she's
taking it too seriously. I still can't get the creepy dad out of my
mind, but now I imagine him doing some weird acrobatic backbend.
Shudder. Back to the date - Betts and the Bach remove themselves from
the formal situation...and...head up to the fantasy suite. Two for two.

The third date is with DeAnna. I'm really glad the whole DeeDee thing
fell by the wayside. I have to admit that I'm really developing strong
feelings for DeAnna - I think we really have a connection, and she's
really opening up. I liked this date and I think that Brad is into her
(just look at the way he looks at her) and it's no suprise that they
spend the night together. Three for three. I did love the hotel room
for these two - once in my life I'd love to stay in a room like that,
with that mini-pool outside. Nice.

So there's not a lot to work with in this epsidoe. The Rose Ceremony is
a bit predictable, although I did miss Chris and his announcement that
Ladies, Brad, this is the Final Rose. Betts gets the boot, in her
Project Runway reject dress and glass shoes. Her dad is going to have a
field day with this one. The other two girls are left behind to whisper
and try not to eavesdrop as Bettina and the Bach debrief in the
background.

Once again, I am hooked. Even without funny moments, and over-censored
Hills, I am loving it. Loving it so much that I'm actually going to
watch the reunion show next week. That's right - watch it from
start.to.finish. And love it. And I'll be on the edge of my seat when
the Bach makes the most difficult.decision.ever.

What the Bach looks like on paper

Finally the tables have turned. The Girls get to bring the Bach home to
meet their families. I do think, that in future seasons of the
Bachelor, that these dates should start with date boxes delivered to
Brad that are representative of his upcoming date and family
meet-n-greet. So...in that spirit:

The First Date Box Arrives: Brad gets a picnic basket, some red ruby
slippers, a mini-walker, and a bottle of shampoo. Brad is off to Kansas
to meet Jenni's family. The whole dance routine was a bit weird
(especially with no music), but overall, I think it was a successful
date. The family was nice. The grandma was fantastic - seriously, I
loved everything about her: the 100% grandma t-shirt, sitting on the
walker at the dinner table, the attitude, everything. She's gold. The
mom - not bad - but the hairwashing scene was a bit weird. Or, as Brad
put it, comfortable. The editors try to play up the whole long distance
relationship thing, but it's overblown: Jenni is an easy pick.

The Second Date Box Arrives: A 'Tickle Trunk' with a turquoise blue
boa, a crystal ball, and a life jacket. Oh yes, this is an entertaining
date. Sheena and Brad and their look-a-likes (Beverly and 'the dad') go
sailing. So far so good. But up next: Beverly is a nut. Very odd. But
no worries, Beverly and Sheena are ready to get married, so Brad has
nothing to worry about. I especially loved the hot tub scene - I really
thought I saw a shadow of a person walk behind the makeshift screen
behind the tub and I was convinced that Beverly would pop out, in a
turquoise bikini, matching kitten heels, and waterproof tarot cards,
and hop in the tub.

Sidebar: Do you ever imagine, when they show Brad and whatever girl
he's with in the back of the SUV, that Chris is actually the driver? I
mean, what else does he have to do this episode? The least he could do
is cart everyone around. But I digress....

The third date box arrives: An empty bottle of ouzo, with the label slightly peeled off and no cap. That's it.
I have to admit that I like DeAnna - clever editing. But I really liked
her and her family. The dad seems solid. And I really liked how DeAnna
brought her family photos out to show Brad pics of her mom - all
sarcasm aside, that was nice. Almost made me forget that I was watching
a reality show with a dude who was dating multiple girls at once.
Almost. I think DeAnna might deserve better - again, clever editing.
And holy crap, the grandpa! He literally struts in, with a harem of
broads (okay okay...his wife, daugter-in-law, and sister or something),
and announces that 'he's got the booze, he's ready to party'. Nice! The
rest of the date looks like fun and Brad gets a bit drunk.

The final date box arrives: a framed picture of Bettina's dad with his
arm around the ex-husband taken at some old boys club, and Bettina's
spine. Not much to say about this date - except that the dad looks a
bit like Stephen King to me and is a jerk. And a creep. And arrogant.
And that's just what he looks like on paper. I can't even joke about
this date - if this were my family, I would leave home and never come
back. This is not a family that loves each other. No wonder Bettina
can't think for herself - her dad has spoon fed her every thought she's
ever had.

Up next: The Bachelor faces his Easiest.Decision.Ever. How hard is it
to decide to get ride of Bettina? But wait a minute - wait a minute - I
don't have a professorship, Stephen King, so I need a minute to
comprehend - Bettina gets a rose??? Weak. The only thing I can think of
is that Brad has already made his final decision and he only wants to
take Betts on an overnight date to piss off the dad. Seriously - what
other explanation could there be?

Final sidebar: I liked Sheena, I really did - but how awesome would it
have been if, in the limo, when she's crying and such - that the camera
turns around towards the front, the window rolls down, and what? It's
our old friend Chris Harrison - working some OT as the limo driver -
chauffeur's hat and all. Again, if only I wrote the show.

In the Immortal Words of Sheena..."I have a chest"

Oh, to be an editor on this show. So much material...can you imagine
some of the outtakes from the Bach? That would be a great dvd.

Up next - something a little different:

Chris-Bot:
Chris starts out the show in a new, casual Friday shirt with his usual
rigamarole about how important this week's dates are. He doesn't make
another appearance until the end of the cocktail party. I think at this
point he should stroll in, wasted, clinging onto an empty champagne
bottle and say something like: "Hey dudes, I'm tired of this crap job
and my wife is tired of me living in the Bachelorette mansion, so crazy
lady and moustache lady, you're out. The rest of you sorry broads can
pick up your rose on your way up to bed. Later, beeeotches!" Notice how
I didn't spoil it by using the girls real names....hey? hey?

The Bach:
I've noticed that the Bach starts a lot of sentences with the words "I
want" and he really over enunciates when he speaks. "I want these
amazing women to open up. I want them to be themselves. I want to show
them just how special and unique they all are. I want you to be okay" I
say bring back the brother, especially next week when he gets to meet
the families.

Jenni:
Jenni is laying low on this episode, but I do notice a couple of things about her.  Actually, three:
1 - Is that a Phoenix Suns tattoo on her back?
2 - She's becoming a little too 13-going-on-30 for me. I'm sure her
inner Jennifer Garner will come out next week when she's on stage,
dancing to Thriller for the Bach (there I go, spoiling the ending)
3 - Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where Jerome is dating
the girl who only looks good in certain lights? Jenni is totally that
girl. It's subtle, but it's there. Watch for it.

DeeDee - or - Dee-squared (and damn it all, if Facebook would allow superscripts, that nickname would totally rock):
Nice editing on DeAnna this week. She comes off looking pretty good.
Confident, calm, good chemistry, great hair. I've got nothing mean to
say. Crap. Good thing Hillary was on the show. But more on her later.

Bettina:
Bettina perplexes me. She can't speak well (e.g. "I've always been
brought up that the girl is supposed to play hard to get"), she's got
interesting hair, and a freaky jealous streak. Although if I had gotten
a gondola hat (which quite nicely doubles as a barbershop quartet hat,
thank you very much), and some other broad got billion dollar earrings,
I might have something to say about it. I did enjoy how at the cocktail
party she gave the Bach the greenest light ever by telling him how
badly she wanted to kiss him and have his hands on her body...and still
no kiss.

Sheena:
She is getting more 'endowed' as the show goes on. I am not kidding.
And seriously, 'I have a chest'. Solid editing. All jokes aside, what
did that little statue she pulled out of the date box have to do with
the date? This date was significantly over the top. Way way way over
the top. Tulle and lighting around the stairs - balloon filled rooms -
brown paper packages tied up with strings - waaaay over the top. Try to
keep that up in real life, Bach. But seriously now, I don't get the
lopsidedness of the dates this season - I don't remember it that way in
past.

Kristy:
Kristy gets to go on the group date of the pool party. She looked a bit
nervous when this date got announced - I think she had forgotten to
um...wax her...upper lip. Yeesh, I'm catty. But really, if you didn't
notice her moos-tachio, it will make a solid appearance at the Rose
Ceremony. And if you still didn't notice it there, spring for high-def.
It's time. And it's worth it. Especially if you're also an America's
Next Top Model fan.

Poor Kristy, she did not stand a chance. Seriously. Most conservative
girl in the group - never once got to dress up in a dress and sip
champagne in the back of a horse drawn carriage and she has to go to a
wild pool party with three other babes. No wonder she got the boot. The
group date itself was a little bit silly - slip 'n' slide is never a
good time, especially not in a bikini. But I was secretly rooting for
Kristy - just pull up your bikini bottom a little, do a shot of
tequila, and show those broads what you're made of! But no, she squeals
and she's embarassed and she's out. However, I would gladly be Kristy
to crazy Hillary - honestly, Kristy could have had a moustache, goatee,
and unibrow and she still would have come off looking like a superstar
next to Hills at the Rose Ceremony.

Which will bring us back to....doe, a deer, a female deer:
Where to begin? Let's start at the very beginning. It's a very good
place to start. Actually, let's start poolside. Or should I say - slip
'n' slide-side. Ouch, a tongue twister. Not as much of a tongue twister
as good old Hills came up with, though - way to be the first
Bachelorette in history to be censored, girlfriend. What the * did she
say, anyways? 'Stick my hand up...a couple of times...and yadda yadda
yadda...call it a day'. Except insert about a minute of 'bleep' in
between every phrase along with an odd hand gesture. As the Bach would
say, WOW. I've never worked the rewind so many times in one sitting. I
really tried to figure out what she said, but could not - if anyone
knows, please message me (no comments, please, children might be
reading this...or Kristy might read it as well, lord knows she would
squeal in disgust if she heard Hills talk that way).

I really can't believe that Hills didn't see it coming. Okay, I know
that it's 'all in the editing', but come on - when they were floating
on the air mattress (that later was leaning against the wall at the
Rose Ceremony), when they were talking at the Cocktail Party - anytime
a guy mentions you and he as Good Friends in the same sentence, you're
pretty much doomed. Hasn't this girl read Cosmo?

Hills literally melts at the RC. And the bridal dress she hand stitched
(hee hee - you're right, Hills, every guy likes a girl in white b/c
it'll make him think how awesome you'll look walking up the aisle) is
totally cutting off her circulation - no wonder she hyperventilates and
her face starts melting. And didn't you all feel it when she was
outside, bawling, and the Bach comes out, and for one brief shining
moment, her eyes light up and you know exactly what just passed through
her mind: "He's bringing me a rose. It was all a joke."

Sigh.

She's definitely going to regret Every.Last.Minute of the sobfest on
the way out. This might actually inspire me to watch the always crappy
reunion episode. Or, more likely, to rant about how crappy the reunion
episode is, based on principle (I mean, the show's not even over yet
and they air a reunion show?) and content (reunion show =
worst.episode.ever).

And then there were four. Next week will be awesome. Who's dad will
have a gun? Who will come out in a wedding dress? Who will have no
family to meet the Bach? Oh wait...that was last season. This season
there will be greek madness, a crazy mom who's had a lot of work done
(seriously, a lot), a World's Best Grandma, and an uncomfortable
meeting with the divorcee's family. And then. The Bachelor makes his
Toughest.Decision.Ever. I can hardly wait.

The Bach could be the father of my children...OR my husband

Oh McCarten, you were doomed from the start. And saying things like
that don't help your case. I mean really, boys can be the father of
your children AND your husband. I'm just saying.

So a bit of a sidebar: a couple weeks back I was slacking on Facebook,
you know, searching randomly for old coworkers and kindergarten
teachers and the like and I decided to type in Brad Womack. Or, as my
mom would say (and I know you're reading this, mom, so I'm saying it
with love), punch in Brad Womack's name. And he's on Facebook. Whoa,
whoa, whoa. Whoa. A dilemma presents itself: was this the real Brad or
some dude trying to cash in on who know's what kind of fame?

I spent some time trying to figure out some sly message to write to
this 'Brad Womack'. You know, something that only I and the real Bach
would know, and I came up at a loss. And now, I searched again tonight
for him, and he's not on Facebook anymore. I'm sure there's a lesson in
there somewhere, but I'm too tired from all the catfighting and
intensity from the Bach tonight, I just can't be bothered to learn it.

But I digress: the show starts with a flash of the Bach shirtless and
the girls sitting around in their Team Pink sweatshirts and strapless
velour one-pieces and wedge sandals and I start to wonder if this is
what sorority life is like? I'm not really sure, since I spent most of
my university days being too shy to do anything but memorize the
Periodic Table like some kind of science fool.

First Date Box shows up and Jenni gets to go on a helicopter ride with
the Bach. This is seriously a hot date - I would love to do a
helicopter ride around the city with JCW and then land somewhere cool
for dinner and drinks. Not perched on a teeny bar stool in 3-inch heels
by the ledge of a skyscraper like Jenni and Brad. I do have that whole
scared of heights thing going on. But still...a hot date. Bottle of
wine...snuggling under a blanket...obviously she gets a rose. No
surprise there. Obviously she's saved every rose Brad's given her. Not
so obvious is that she hangs them upside down from a chandelier with a
hair clip? Plus she forgot to mention her collage of Brad pics cut out
from Teen Beat that's framed beside her bed. But I like Jenni, so I
should stop being so obnoxious.

Back at the ranch or villa or whatever: a cat fight ensues. A lot of
head bobbing, finger waving, eye rolling, and "no you di'int, y'all". I
wonder if these babes do anything but sit around on couches, and dish
about their dates and how slutty and sexual everyone is? Get a damn
hobby, y'all, like, maybe a blog or something?

Up next...Group Date. I think Brad blew the budget on the first date so
the girls get to an Improv theatre and do tricks so they can hear Brad
ring a cowbell for them. Yeah...hot. Poor Kristy - she's struggling -
but I admit, so would I - what would you do with a tambourine that's
funny and flirty and confident and original? But the better question
is, how would you beg for a rose if you were a dog? I'm pretty sure I
would just exit stage left. Hillary continues to be a bit nutty but she
thinks she definitely nailed that audition, for sure, she's got the
part. But wait..Bettina gets the rose..what the ? I am enjoying how
this season the Bach just hands out the rose in front of everyone, none
of this, 'can I just steal Bettina for a minute?' nonsense.

The third date is a two-on-one (thanks Chris Harrison for the
explanation, or I would have not know what to call it), and the girls
and the Bach go somewhere...that looks a lot like his date with Jenni.
The date itself is pretty predictable, the girls compete with each
about who walked further to school in the snow and then Brad gives Jade
his best it's-not-you-it's-me speech and it's a bit sad because it
looks like she's eating it up, but wait...DeAnna gets the rose. And
although she doesn't wave it in Jade's face like I thought she might,
she saves it for the end of the show, when she waves it in McCarten's
face. Did anyone else notice how awkward the Bach's face looked when he
and DeeDee (gag) were in the hot tub and he leaned in for a kiss? Worth
the rewind, let me tell you. And a carefully timed pause. You'll
shudder, I guarantee it.

And then...the Cocktail Party. This one's a bit tense. Kirsty and the
Bach have a serious talk about how's she too much of a lady for him,
which I think is brilliant reverse psychology by the Bach because you
just know next week she's going to go all Solisa on him. Bettina is
super jealous of Jenni and thinks she's just here to 'play the game'.
Did Bettina forget that she already got a rose? So many tears at this
Cocktail Party.

I loved it when Chris walked in with his champagne glass and clinked
his glass to let everyone know it was Decision Time. He sooo should
have had the cowbell. That would have been gold. Even just to see old
Hills react and start rolling around the floor and salivating like a
dog. Isn't there some kind of conditional psychology theory in that?
Pavlov or something? Sigh...and still the Periodic Table haunts me.

Next week...the Most.Emotional.Exit.Ever. No surprise that Hillary
shows up to the Rose Ceremony in a wedding gown and then
hyperventilates when she thinks she doesn't get a rose. Stay tuned.

Chris-Bot and the Twins

Oh Brad Womack...I'm feeling that familiar pull I always get at this
point in this season. Me in week one: The Bach is a stupid show, I
don't think I'll watch it this season. Week two: I kind of like Jenni,
but I don't really care who he picks. I might watch it next week. By
the final week I'll be yelling at the tv about who he should and
shouldn't pick and arranging my whole schedule around the show. Who's
kidding who, I'm doing that already. Good times.

So, start of the show, Chris-bot rolls down the stairs in his casual
look (jeans and striped shirt) and begins explaining the concept of the
single rose on a group date. You have to admit that for a guy who's
recited the same seven lines on every show, on every season, he still
delivers them pretty well. And the girls do hang on his every word.

First date box appears (sidebar: I like this idea of a date
box...wouldn't it be fun getting a date box at work so you could
anticipate the date you had lined up for that night..sans the other
girls, of course. But think about it - there are some fun
possibilities). So first group date is the circus. And there's a twist
that the Bach reveals: they're going to be PART of the circus. Wow. I'm
excited. I'm imagining the six girls in a pyramid formation, balanced
on the Bach's shoulder while he's riding a unicycle, wearing a top hat,
and being chased by Montecore. Now that would be
The.Greatest.Show.On.Earth

.
But I don't write the show, just watch it, so that doesn't happen. They
could have, at the very least, made Chris-Bot the Ringmaster. But aside
from those two omissions, it's still a pretty good date. I'm still
liking Jenni, although I'm not sure what was up with the brown
strapless velour one-piece pant suit. She did confess some feelings to
Brad, and he sort of reciprocated but also was a bit evasive: he wants
to make sure he gets to know all the girls equally before he makes any
judgements....this guy is smoother than I thought.

He's does like to evade things, I've noticed. Example: Stefy starts
talking about her dad and how she hasn't had a date in five years...the
Bach isn't quite sure what to do with it, so she's get's a rose.
Speaking of awkward situations leading up to getting a rose, next up is
the individual date. I'm not quite sure how to describe this one... it
starts out very Pretty Woman-esque (except the Bach forgot to snap the
jewelry box on her hand), and ended up...like I don't know what. She
does a lot of sobbing (is this what she meant by being sexy? flirty?
different than the other girls?)...but she does get a rose. And a
chocolate sundae.

The next date is a group date and they're going for a wild boat ride in
the sun. So now I'm imagining the girls in pyramid formation (with life
jackets of course, I'm not an idiot), on top of Brad's shoulder, while
he's riding, not a jet ski mind you, but a dolphin. Now that would be
an awesome date. But no, just a warning from the Coast Guard, a half
plate of chopped pineapple to be shared be everyone, and a lapdance
from a Christian. Which reminds me of some great editing: a fire in the
hole.

Up next: The.Most.Shocking.Cocktail.Party.Ever.
This really is pretty good. The Bach's twin brother shows up and I kind
of missed his name, so I'll call him...oh I don't know...Arnold. It
kind of annoyed me when Arnold acted all suprised that the Bach, let's
call him Danny, asked him to pretend to be the Bach for the night. I
mean, really, you're already wearing the same damn suit as him, as if
you weren't tipped off about the clever prank you're about to pull
before he asked you. Just chug your beer and get the party started,
already.

But seriously, when they were in the limo and Danny asks Arnold to
describe some of the girls, as a test, I was really hoping they would
get to Solisa. Because I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have said, is she
the Christian? The best part was when Arnold and Danny got out of the
limo and Danny says to Arnold: "If anyone can do this, you can".
Really? You mean, if you sent Chris in there to pretend to be you, it
wouldn't work? I think at least Lindsey would not have caught on to it.
But really, a great segment, and you know that the bro has done this
'pretend to be your twin thing' before. It just comes too easily to
him. In the end I was a bit disappointed that we didn't get to see how
Jenni reacted to the twin thing, but otherwise, he made some good
choices.

A couple of final thoughts - what is that leaning up against the wall
behind the Bach during the Rose Ceremony? A see-through air mattress?
Distracting. And I'm also thinking that a collection of roses on a
silver tray is definitely going to be the centerpiece at the next party
chez moi. Every hour or so I'll offer a rose to one of my friends so
they can stay for a little bit longer, like, Ken Harkness, will you
accept this rose?

Bachelor Confessions

Okay...so first confession: after last week's show I 'accidently' read
online that someone compared this year's Bach to Patrick Swayze. I
can't agree more - next time you watch the episode you won't be able to
stop imagining (a young) Patrick Swayze doing body shots, giving away
roses, and having serious one-on-one conversations. This will
especially come true in the last few episodes where one of the girls
(probably Jenni) admits that she loves him, and because he can't say
that he loves her too, will just say 'ditto'. Either that or he and
Solisa will be doing some clay sculpting on a date. I mean, really, she
is a free spirit and all, just like Demi.

Second confession: this week's episode was a bit dull. I've watched the
show enough times to know that there are a couple weeks where the
crazies have to be separated from the real ones, although there's
always one wingnut left in a little too long (this season's wingnut:
Jade). So I watched this week knowing this one would be one of those
episodes. And in that respect, I wasn't disappointed.

So...on to the show: The Date Boxes appear - and the first group date
is a trip to the racetrack so the Bach can see if there are any
gamblers in the group. Turns out there aren't - the one girl who
actually wins at gambling has no idea she won. And given the floppy
hats some of the girls were wearing, I think they may have watched
Pretty Woman a few too many times. You know the scene - Ms. Roberts
doing some sort of Arsenio Hall hand-pump with George Costanza talking
about prostitutes. Uncomfortable.

The second best part about this scene was some football dude coming in
to give away shirts and to have a chat with the Bach about the girls:
Shaun Phillips: They were nice girls.  They talked and jumped around.
Bach: Yeah, you're right.  They jumped around.
How did they say that with straight faces?? I can't even type that
(they jumped around) without laughing out loud. Shaun Phillips should
stick to playing football so that the Chargers mabye could win a game
or two.

The best part of the scene was not the part when Michelle fell down the
stairs (although that was not bad), but when the Bach got the phone
call about it, and the nanny (Mallory?) was sitting at the table,
flipping through Cosmo or something, and didn't even react. Hilarious.
A close second to this was the explanation from the girl who heard
Michelle fall - she went to check out what happened and when she saw
Michelle, 'just ran out the front door screaming'. How helpful. I can't
remember if this is the same girl who gave the Bach an 11.5 on the 1-10
hotness scale. Way to play coy, girlfriend, way to play coy.

The next date was Beach Blanket Bingo...or in Chris-Harrison-speak,
The.Hottest.Date.Ever. But really, I think we've all been on hotter
dates - namely any date that didn't involve doing cartwheels on the
beach, 10 other women, or running into the ocean with the top of your
bikini off only to not be followed by anyone, not even the dude you're
trying to flirt with. Awkward. I wonder how long it took for her to
realize that the Bach wasn't coming in. Which leads me to the best part
of this date - the editing for Solisa:

Solisa: I'm a free spirt.   I want you to do a body shot off of me.
Bach (off camera): I just want Solisa to show me who she is.
Solisa: I'm a Christian.  I have morals.
Bach (giving that look - that split second of surprise, almost laugh
out loud, then quickly recovers into an inquisitive, serious
expression): A Christian? Wow!

The second rose goes to Sarah. I'm not sure who she is but guessing by
the Bach, I'm not really sure he knew either. That was a weird
scene...the two of them, sitting on the beach, the Bach saying her name
like he wasn't sure he had the right girl. And Sarah....she's a dork.
Enough said.

Random thoughts about the pre-Rose Ceremony/Rose Ceremony: Michelle
didn't have a hope. Better go back to work, so she can pay for
'college'. Is that what it's called these days? I still like Jenni -
who cares about the portfolio? My perfect day: wake up. Oh yeah, then
eat breakfast. And then, do something outdoorsy, like watercolour. And
Chris Harrison has a great job.

Don't forget to watch next week, when the twin shows up...looks like my week#3 prediction is right on.

I Heart Brad Womack

So...the newest season of the Bachelor started tonight and this season, ABC is doing something different and promoting the Bach as The. Hottest. Bachelor. Ever. Of course I have to check this out - could he really be the hottest ever?

Same premise as always...same montage of clips to get introduced to Brad...the obligatory pics of our Bach as a child, tasting the luxuries of a wealthy childhood only to have it stolen away after his parents divorce. Being raised by his mom in a double-wide trailer (I never really understood what that meant), 'choosing' to work the oil rigs instead of going to college...ahem...and then owing a couple of bars with his brothers. Nice. And of course, he's from Texas.

Flash to the shots of Brad running down a beach (sans shirt, of course), strolling down a street in jeans and shirt, looking pensive and thinking about his future wife, showering (nice), and frying up some eggs (again, sans shirt, I mean, really). I'll admit that's he's a good looking guy. Potentially the hottest.bachelor.ever. He does have the sly sideways smirky-type grin that has been known to win me over in past...but I digress:

He and Chris have a little chat, a mano-a-mano if you will, before the ladies are introduced, where Brad's arm is craftily twisted by Chris to reluctantly admit that, yes, he is a self-made millionaire, but really, he's just looking for a wife who doesn't care about his money. Oh, Bach, you're so humble and sweet, and oh, you're a millionaire?

Bring on the ladies...my favourite part of the new season...meeting the girls and trying to imagine what I would be like if I were one of them. I'd like to imagine I'd be shy and demure and super witty and flirty and say all the right things. But part of me thinks I might have one too many wines and start wondering aloud about where 'my boobs' went. And really, for the average viewer, which is more entertaining? Poor Token Drunk Girl, I especially liked how after every rose he didn't give to her, the camera panned right to her face. I was pretty sure she was going to be chugging out of a bottle of wine during the Rose Ceremony. That would have the best.ceremony.ever.

So after the introductions, where Brad tries to 'steal a hug' from a few girls, and admits that this an 'amazing' experience, and he's so excited that he may have found his future wife, right here, tonight, we get the party started.

And it's the usual. Girls get wasted. Girls get catty. Girls steal the Bach away for their one-on-one time. Girls showing their webbed toes. Girls showing how flexible they are - I mean flxibl without an E, right Juli? Girls swimming in the pool - there's a nanny you probably wouldn't want hanging around your husband for too long. Girls doing a dance routine - I'll admit that is normally the kind of thing that I wouldn't like to see happen, but I like Jenni - she's a lot of fun, and an early favourite (and got the First.Impression.Rose), so we'll see. Girls who give the Bach a yellow rose, and instead of doing what I would do (and that is to ask him if he would accept the rose), singing the yellow rose of texas or whatever. I mean, puhlease. And yet Lindsey sticks around.

So I'm not quite sure if I like him or not. There's got to be something up with him. In the Rose Ceremony, he picks a few surprises, like the girl who won him over by sharing her story of how she 'broke her face' (what the ??) and Solisa, who I'm positive he kept around so that when his twin brother appears (I predict a week #3 appearance), the brother can confirm that yes, she's from Austin, and yes, they've 'dated'. We'll see what transpires over the season....the clips look equally predictable and entertaining (what? the girls fight and cry? someone gets hurt and is taken away in a helicopter/ambulance? and then, the bachelor faces his.toughest.decision.ever?). Oh, Chris Harrison, what will the next twist be, you sly host you.

Stay tuned for next week.