Kidding, of course. Poor Hannah. I couldn't decide between taking a shot at Poor Hannah in my title or celebrating the brilliance of Miss J and his lovely moniker for Sheena, Victoria Secretions. Sigh. Gotta love Miss J.
After last week's debacle of robots-meets-magic (I especially liked how one model-to-be (Marj, I think) said she liked the future theme because it reminded her of 2001: A Space Odyssey) I was a bit concerned that the whole 'future' theme might carry over into tonight's episode. But thankfully, 2001 is over, y'all, although Paulina may have missed that memo, given her ensemble at the judging table. But more on that later.
With the dismissal of Sharaun last week, we are down to 13 and our new opening montage and slightly tweaked theme song begins. We begin with a montage of Tyra, boobs shaking all over the place, giving stern directions to random and faceless photographers, and in general, kicking butt and taking names - if that don't say Fierce with a capital F, y'all, well then I don't what does.
Back in the house, we are entertained by the usual yapping, lounging, eating, and drinking from the girls. It's like a full-on slumber party, but then wait: TYRA MAIL! What have they dreamed up this season? Oh. Looks like they hired someone with powerpoint experience - we get a pic of Tyra and a powerpoint slide with lucida handwriting font (oh yeah, like I'm the only one who's heard of that) that spells out the mail. The twist this cycle? Only one girls gets to read it at a time - no reading in unison like before (boo-hoo).
So, where was I? Right, Tyra Mail:
Don't get it twisted, will you bend over backwards on the top? Love, Tyra (as read by Isis).
Quite the stumper, so the girls go to bed with visions of sugarplums and such dancing through their heads and the next day, are driven to an abandoned warehouse type place (sidebar: all the photoshoots are done at abandoned buildings, no?) where they meet up with our old friend who would no doubt be out of work without this show, Benny Ninja. Benny and the girls play around with posing, contortionism and red sheer fabrics, which in other words, means they needed to fill the hour with something, y'all, and Benny just happened to be available (quelle surprise).
Tyra Mail: Did you learn your lesson? If so, you've got this one in the bag. Love, Tyra. (as read by Joslyn)
Back at the house, the girls swim in the pool and hit the hot tub. The slumber party atmosphere continues with the girls playing truth or dare (although Sheena insists 'no nudity'), Clark kisses Elina, and then Hannah pushes Isis away from her quite abruptly. Oh oh. Trouble at the henhouse. Hannah is uncomfortable with all the action because she says, and I quote, 'small town girls aren't sexual'. Um. Hannah momentarily confesses she is just a 'stereotypical white person' and that gets quite a few of the girls excited. Throughout the evening and the next day, the girls diss (nice - I've always wanted to use that word) Hannah, accusing her of being racist, prejudice and that she is discriminating against them. Feels like a high school english class with some pretty big themes being discussed.
Commercial Break: I fast forwarded through most of the commercials, mostly because of last week's Whitney love-in and our old friend Bianca doing bra ads for Macy's (tell me I was not the only one who saw that), but still happened to catch a commercial with Whit and her family doing an NYC bus tour, and an ad for a movie starring Shirley MacLaine as, you guessed it, or not, Coco Chanel (WTF?).
Back at it: Finally, a challenge: the girls will have to use their posing prowess to pose for jewelry maven Tarina Tarantino with the top prize being a handbag full of jewelry. All the girls looked a bit ridiculous during the challenge, Sheena really hooched it up, Elina played it fairly safe, in my opinion, and won the prize.
Tyra Mail: You want to be on top? Then you better start climbing that ladder! Love, Tyra. (as read by Brittany)
Not sure how correct the grammar is in that last one, but aside from that I wish these broads would read the TM with a little more expression, the way Tyra meant it be read, with fingers snapping and head bobbing:
'Oh no you didn't just disrespect me! You wanna be on top, beeyotch? Then you'd better start climbing that ladder, y'all, and I mean now. Do it fiercely! Luv, Tyra' (as read by yours truly).
Sigh.
The girls continue to discuss discrimination and someone decides to write a 10-page double-spaced essay on the topic, in the hopes that it will impress the judges and they will be allowed to continue on in their journey towards becoming....
But then it's morning and the girls are driven off to another location, which I imagine to be the backyard of the rental home for Nigel Barker, where they are greeted by the Silver Fox and a hot air balloon. The girls learn that their challenge will involve posing from a ladder suspended from the balloon, which in reality, will be a crane five feet off the ground. Yikes, scarey!
Lauren is up first and does excellent; she'll easily win. Everyone takes their turn and it's fairly uneventful. Elina looks good, Sheena does hooch, Nikeysha is flashing the camera inadvertantly, Joslyn looks good, Clark = yawn, yadda yadda yadda....and, we're done. Thankfully, the girls leave their wild eye makeup on until they're back home.
Tyra Mail: Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 12 will continue on in the hope of becoming America's Next Top Model. Love, Tyra. (as read by Elina)
At the judging panel, first of all, Nigel is in the house. Nice. Second, what is Tyra wearing? Third, seriously, what is Paulina wearing? The girls go through the usual evaluations, Nikeysha gets blasted for being too thin. Lauren looks like a broken doll (translation: she could model for Dior), and Isis looks too plain (they stop just short of saying she looks masculine. I'm just sayin'). Tyra makes sure she gives herself a pat on the back by talking about how she was shooting with the one of world's primo photographers, why, just the other day. We have to hear the same old 'french' accordion music (now who's discriminating, n'est-ce pas?) when Marj comes up to bat. Finally we get to the elimination.
Lauren wins (no surprise), followed by Elina, Joslyn, Marj, Mickey or Mckey or M'ckey, Samantha, Sheena (fake breasts and all!), Hannah, Clark, Brittany, Analeigh, and ...Isis. Nikeysha is sent home, but no worries, she's going to be an anesthesiologist. I'm a bit surprised she could pronounce that (meow), but she did. My one and only complaint so far this cycle is that during eliminations, the camera has Nigel in the background. Not that I mind Nigel, au contraire, but I did enjoy watching the boredom on Miss J's face in previous cycles as the girls were being chosen. But I can't have it all, now can I?
Next week: Makeovers!!!!
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