Come on. You knew I'd go there with the title. It's brilliant. The best part of tonight's episode were the previews for next week's home town dates. I know - I thought it too: home town dates already? We are on episode five, people, and after tonight we'll be down to four lucky ladies. And one smooth talking son of a...
ABC producers chose champagne over heating the house
Chris-Bot comes in, looking even more casual than last week's purple shirt debacle and the girls are lounging around, in parkas, long underwear (or 'long johns' if you grew up where I did), hands wrapped around mugs filled with hot coffee, wearing warm woolen mittens, and talking about brown paper packages tied up with strings. But really, these girls are bundled up. C-B explains that there is no date box (I'm floored. No date box?), because they're heading to Idaho. Jeez. They could have easily brought in a sack of potatoes and called it a date box. Lazy. The girls pack up and head off to Idaho.
The Bach usually skis in Frawnce, but he's excited to ski in America. Everyone breaks spontaneously into a snowball fight, face plants, etc, and Noelle gets slam dunked into the snow. It was...(pause)...brilliant. Even prissy Marshana gets a dip into the snow. Then they break for champagne.
Chelsea steals an idea from the page of Chris-Bot and plays a card
The first date box arrives: A kitschy sled with something else in it that we don't see (a blanket?). Chelsea gets the date - a sleigh ride with some big-ass horses (that's right, I went there) and a dude who says 'Tally Ho' and isn't joking about it. I would hate to be the guy driving this sleigh. Worst.Job.Ever. Chelsea's not into public displays of affection. The Bach is worried. I am worried. But my fears are soon put to rest when I learn that Chelsea is very into private displays of affection. Back at a random hotel suite, the Bach tells Chelsea that he doesn't like her sense of humour - too dry and sarcastic. I just about hit the roof. I was ready to hate him - ready to go hyperanalytical about what a jerk he is - when he tells Chelsea he was joking. Nice. And I like him again. He likes Chelsea; in fact he completely digs her. Apparently this is the magic word for her, because she leaves the room, pulls out a piece of paper with the hotel logo at the top and makes up her own fantasy suite card. I really wanted the Bach to leave some mystery and not show us the note (mostly so that I could make up something smutty), but they don't. The Bach is smooth - he doesn't actually do anything and he's got girls inviting themselves back to his suite.
Robin seals her own fate by skulking on the slopes; The Bach is smoooooth
The second date box arrives: A heart transplant cooler. Seriously - what does a cooler have to do with skiing? Apparently I missed something. This is a group date with Amanda, Robin, Marshana, and Shayne. The Bach begins the date by telling the camera that there are two virgins on the date. We get it Bach, you got some action last night, simmer down, cowboy! But of course he's just being brilliant, he actually meant two ski virgins. Marshana and Amanda have never skied before. Amanda does well and Marshana does terribly. Shayne and the Bach make out on the lift before she snowboards circles around him and retouching her make up. Shayne continues to be my favourite. Robin is glaring from further up the slope, and she tries to make a smooth entrance down the hill to interrupt them. Good grief, it's sad. Robin wonders why she hasn't had a one-on-one date and the Bach delivers his best line, forever confirming that he's the smoothest.Bach.ever: Robin didn't get a one-on-one date because their chemistry was so solid right from the start that he didn't feel he needed more time with her. Silly, Robin. If a dude actually felt great chemistry with you, he'd probably do anything to get as much time as he could with you.
Someone stole Chris-Bot's cup of hot chocolate...and the snowman he spent all morning making...
To make the third date box of course! Noelle and the Bach are going ice skating and then snuggling. All sarcasm aside, a great date. An outdoor skating rink all to yourselves, white lights in the trees around the rink, clear sky, cold weather, some hot chocolate, and then a fire with some champagne. Solid date. Unfortunately, neither of them can skate. 'Robots on Ice', says the Bachelor, and someone, somewhere, just got an idea for yet another reality show. Noelle and the Bach bond over discussions of car accidents and the Bach declares that Noelle is 'just a brilliant person'.
Drama-Rama
Back at the house, I notice some of the girls are wearing matching toques. Oh, and there's a catfight. I don't even care what it's about - I just know that my dislike of Robin and Marshana is growing. Marshana is upset because Chelsea is misquoting her, and you will not misquote Marshana, she will not have it. No, she won't. There's some hand waving, stomping, clapping, talking to the hand, and a lot of 'WALK OFF', 'WALK OFF'. I'd be out of there in a second. Actually, strike that, I wouldn't be there at all.
Up next, everyone's back from Idaho and it's the night of the rose ceremony. Marshana's sealing her fate by telling the Bach how bad the other girls are. Marshana, save that crap for your girlfriends, boys don't want to hear gossip like that. Chelsea interrupts and Marshana lingers. At this point, I don't know who I hate more: Chelsea or Marshana? Or maybe the entire show? Robin speaks up by saying that Marsh's logic is imprenatable. So smart, Robin, so smart. Shayne has a moment of alone time with the Bach and he wipes some hair from her face. This dude is textbook with the moves. But it obviously works; it would work on me. Sigh.
Chris Tings the Glass
And it's time to give out four roses. Who will be going home and who will continue on their dream of marrying a British Bachelor? The Bach begins to pace like a motivational speaker when he's talking with the girls. And then...the roses. Shayne, Noelle, Chelsea and Amanda. I loved the smirk that Amanda gave to Robin. Sweet. Marshana handles the rejection well, she did give it her all, she got in a pool, she played rugby. What more could she have done? Robin gives the Bach a death stare, says Bon Nuit, and tromps off. Nice.
Next week: Nipples are caressed. I kid you not. And not Lorenzo Lamas' nipples mind you; but the Bach's. By someone's mom. I'll leave you with that.
This is the sunniest, grooviest West coast- inspired pop ever...
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